Ah page 231 he remembered page 229page 231 in quotes he wrote Zottas who thought they could speciate and overcome death 

               asif death was a curable disease

a curable diseaseHA what a joke

he didnt think hed be standing reason on its head to ask the opposite was birth a curable disease

of course abortion was an option hence curable  pull that palliative cure away and birthed one will die

it is fiction to think otherwise 

all one has to do is think of Egyptian mummies built like sleek bullets for the Afterlife

                                                                                          how many Eternal mummies were burned in European fireplaces to warm entitled familes or tossed in locomotive firesstoking flames to keep steam engines running

Zottas were full of shit

                      when they turned their backs on the process because theyd died the humoured charlatans sucked whatever wealth they could from the surviving family THREATENING if they did not financially maintain critical system upgrades theyd cease the process maintaining their loved one  they didnt care for deadbeats leverage

DEAD is DEAD

page 231page 229 was from Cory Doctorows Walkaway

                                                            it was nice coming away knowing where his sensibilities lay

1835,  Monday,  27   8. 18

1327,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  25  11. 20                                                                                                      

he had to give up two of his outdoor catsHIS is incorrect they werent his they found him he was their human 

ashe  because she was all grey  spook  because she was purewhite and found him shortly before Halloween

he lost them because his landlords didnt want him to have them 

                                                                  they got a puppyAww how sweet  they were dog people one is either a dog or a cat person their puppy was more eager to play with the cats than be disciplined broken  the pup was ignoring their commands and without ashe and spook itd be easier for them to train the pup

it was frankly for that reason why he loved cat they were undisciplined free-spirited their affections could be had for freshwater and kibble which wasnt to say that any cat is always affectionate

they were affectionate on their terms

hell for that matter he was affectionate on his terms

they were like-animals 

                       and that cats are feline intelligent exhibit stealth have a sleek prowess  they reminded him of women who he found attractive  each and every one he dated could have been cats

if he were introduced to a woman who wanted to please him even to their detriment who did what they were told or asked what they should do reminded him of a dog  despite their physical charms he wasnt attracted

 

the Humane Society took ashe it didnt accept spook because they discovered she had a bad toothbroken 

he took spook to a vet he explained hed pay to have the tooth extracted but he wanted to return her to the Humane Society to a person staff said thats not how it works if he released her to them they were required to turn spook over to Animal Services

his hands were tied

he submitted

he sat for a while in the parking lot weeping angered  quelling the violence he felt

as he began backing out of the parking space the attendant he worked with primarily came out of the building to tell him spooks tooth was extracted  her distress was obviously alleviated

her words helped take him down a notch

                                            still  he drove home with tears in his eyes

 

that evening it occurred to him what was going on with him TRUST  his landlords insisted they would help him trap the feral cats

Trap! I can pick em up an hold em nuzzle em when they let me  I dont have to trap them

the TRUST ashe and spook had in him trapped them

it occurred to him that he preferred an animals trust to a human beingshe trusted no onequestioned everyone so he couldnt give a rats ass if anyone trusted him

he preferred the company of animals to people

an animals trust could be won 

he could endeavor for their trusttheir animal honesty

peoples trusttheir honesty can come with a price

hit their mark

theyd sell you down the river in a heartbeat

even illiterate negro slaves in their unfortunate day knew they didnt want to be sold down the river

 

he betrayed ashe and spooks trust

it cut him deeply

as it should

they were sweet girls

he was confident theyd be adopted and treated well  indoor cats  their trust would return

for the while his heart would hurt badly

he wasnt ashamed of how he felt

 

middle of the night,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  25  11. 20

1224,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  25  11. 20

Al Stewart  Year of the Cat  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqZc7ZQURMs 

 

he grabbed the clipboard that leaned against the desk beside his leg where he sat to examine the next idea he might pursue  ShitNADA in his balls-to-the-wall creative flurry he didnt see he exhausted his penned notions

naked blushing white paper met his eye 

                                       Fuck!

he set the clipboard down and began rummaging through scraps of scribblings to his left on his desk

                                                                                                          random jigsawed entries  words  phrases  particles     glimpses

if Doctor Frankenstein could stitch together a monster from loose tissue then why couldnt he hed toss the disparate pieces into the agar petri dish of his skull and see what might take root 

an as he began one scribble stuck out from the oddballs vukojebina circled in red beneath it he noted Serbian

end of story

             he didnt write down where he found it he did note page 229though page 229 from where he hadnt a clue the scrap was dated two years earlier he read incessantly it could have been from a book an article essay online article a magazine or journal or revealed in a text interview

                                                     two years ago

he read scifi science history politics economics literary theoryfuck he didnt have a clue from where it surfaced

beneath vukojebina he wrote

    “where wolves fuck” 

beneath it he wrote bumfuck nowhere

written without quotation marks 

bumfuck nowhere was hishe heard it somewhere

                                                     yet who knew in Serbian vukojebina meant the same

Serbs and Americans

brothers and sisters

speaking for himself hed happily fuck where wolves fuck

1816,  Monday,  27  8. 18

1011,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  25  11. 20

Classic IV  Spooky  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qpo9KZYJ4sA

$260K -- Killed

 

Ah  a perfect complement  the president becoming a lame duck president compliments his lame-brain bearing

evidence

           more than 85,700 CoVid-19 patients are hospitalised nationwide

evidence 

           that tally exceeds all previous records in 23 states average number of hospitalisations are up by 20% or more since a week ago

evidence

           twelve states – Maine  West Virginia  Oklahoma  Ohio  Pennsylvania  Indianna  Kentucky  Tennessee  Michigan  North Carolina  New Mexico  Arkansas  also set single-day records for hospitalised patients yesterday

evidence 

           Great Plains and Midwest – South Dakota  Nebraska  North Dakota  Indiana  Illinois  continue to report highest number of hospitalisations per capita

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

1609,  Twosday,  24  11. 20

 

he tried real hard not to let people get under his skinhed get ugly when they did  damn near as ugly as he was one time when he became jealousrealised he was and then saw the piece of shit glaring back at him in a barroom mirror 

he didnt want to see that again

but jealousy is a different animal  a different creature than when someone got under his skin  like a tick or a leech  a fucking parasite

trying to feed on him

asif hed let them 

Let it go. Let it go. 

                   in the back of his head he heard his mothers voice from when he was a boy  heard her when he came home beat up again by an older boy

What was this fight about?

Same thing About me being a polack

You are Polish.

Yah well they say theres no difference between a polack and a nigger a polack is just a nigger turned inside out

My God, that’s plain ignorant. Don’t mind them, I’m afraid they’re products of their boorish mistaken home life. Try and see if you can treat their insult as if it were a bad joke. Groan, then laugh. If you can laugh at it you’ll disarm them, you make them miserable because they’re not getting a rise out of you.

                                                                      Boy, you’re gonna have to contend with ignorant people all your life, so don’t let them make you fight, try to let it run off you like water off a duck’s back.

But its not funny  When can I quit laughing

When you get older, when you get bigger, and when you’re bigger it’ll stop, and if it doesn’t then you’ll know, you’ll know the time has come when you won’ t pull back, and likely you’ll benefit from the use of that pent up disgust.

it was weird to have her counsel him not to fight but laugh and then not laugh but fight

he figured she was just trying to save his life

the beatings were becoming more savage

the laughter might be a holding ploy

his cousin was teaching him how to boxto use his fists  I’m not teaching you to defend yourself. I’m teaching you how to stand up and knock the shit out of someone. They go down, you let them decide if they want to stand up again. They don’t, fight’s over.

fighting changed by the time he was in high school

that got under his skin

his cousin helped him curtail the time that his mother counseled him to wait until he was bigger

that helped so fewer tried to get under his skin

then he moved out of the city

moved out of the state

he was unknown

although he thought it was fair to always to say

                                                   Hey yadon wanna get under my skin 

Trust me

he made it evident where he stood

then at least the ball was in their court and thoroughly up to themtheir decision

life was so much easier

                         for him

2241,  Sunday,  22  11. 20

1234,  Monday,  23  11. 20

Yafuckin kiddin me

No. No.  I like what I like, something wrong with that?

Whacha like sounds like something youd find on a manufactured silicone Japanese sex doll

A what?

Man thought you was woke yause woke several times every time we have coffee  sometimes lauding me as being too woketoo present

                  Yave never heard of sex dolls

he looked like a deer caught in headlights Not really, not that I could say. Sounds deviant.

Deviant Man whatever turns someone ontwo people onseveral people on is anyones no mind shouldnt be judged Long as nobodys getting hurt againstmindya against their will everyone keep their fuckin thumbs off the scale

Jeez, I was just sayin . . 

. . Im letting it go lettin it go I know you well enough that ya didnt mean offense Whawas said ya follow the premise Like a fullsize Barbie with nipplesalways missing  poor fuckin Ken Barbies sporting a pussy and asshole  A mouth that sucks lest I forget to say

his eyes buggedlooked like a horrified deer in headlights

Takes ones breath awayhuh

I . . I . ah . . . how . how do you know this stuff?

Im more sexual than you 

                           he sputteredlaughed  An more woke 

Stop it, man.

Donget your panties in a bunch Well call it enlightenmentwere tryin to flip on the lights in your skull 

                                                                                                         Sowha ya prefer is a nipple an very little aureole

                                     

Yeah. You make it sound wanting.

Ohhellnah nipples are nipples I dig their pleasing and pleasant variety Me I like aureoles Imagine a nipple thats approachin a golden silver dollar pancake anointed with a fascinating dollop of butter

I’m not a fan.

Whacha think of puffy nipples

Puffy nipples? I don’t follow.

Yaknow what puffy is

I do.

Imagine a puffy nipple

I can’t.

Christ lemme paintya a picture  Itdbe like orderin a single scoop of ice cream an gettin a second smaller scoop atop it Im a big fan Though that said Im a fan of all breastsshapes an sizes an nipples their truly astonishing variety 

Lifes a banquet man a banquet

  

1221 or rather 0021,  Sunday,  15  11. 20

1349,  Sunday,  22  11. 20

Erykah Badu  Twinkle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyLCCJho5hk

November 22, 1963

President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas Texas

he was a boyhe had sat at his grandmothers knee while aunts and uncles collected at her home to watch Senator Kennedy debate Vice-President Nixon in a Chicago studio not far away from them

he walked home from school for lunch but there was no lunch on the kitchen table  his mother was vacuum-cleaning  she was crying

without eating he returned to school and watched on a television wheeled into his classroom as a shaken Walter Cronkite announced President Kennedy died at 1PM Central Standard Time

not something he would ever forget

1606,  Sunday,  22  11. 20

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4q898h05HQ 

he recited the line “People are treating me as if my vagina’s Pandora’s Box.” 

Damn I wish I wrote that

You wish you wrote that?

You kiddin me its a fantastic line equating a vagina with Pandoras Box Hell as a kid we called girls vaginas boxes Betcha shes got a nice box

he screwed up his facerolled his eyes

                                       Betcha she’s got a nice box? I can’t say I ever thought a girl’s vagina was nice. 

You havent thought a girls pussy was nice

Hell, no.

Yare unbelievable

What?

Man theyre like peaches  Perfect ripe peaches

Yeah. Ripe.

Stop Im talkinbout that perfect peach not too hardnot too soft juicy but not too juicy Though even if it was I wouldnt bitch Id lick my chin

You trying to gross me out?

No Whas to gross you out

You go down on women?

You like women going down on you Like its their sworn dutylike their mammas told them You go down on your man You take him in your mouth and suck him like he was a delicious lollipop

You’re being ridiculous.

Maybe hyperbolic not ridiculous   Answer the question

You’re asking me if I like a woman to give me head?

I am

I do!

      the rapidity of his answerthe exclamationthe enthusiasm was telling  You do

Yes I do.

An youve never given it a thought that a woman would like a man to go down on her  shed get some head as you say Head

Why would I thin . . 

. . Because women are so drastically different from usfrom men Because they dont have a dick that they wouldnt want their pussies sucked and licked and gobbled

                                                Christ man

What a lousy lover youve been

I haven’t had any complains.

Then I donknow wha kind of woman youve slept with 

                                                          Ya get head a lot

No. Not a lot.

 

What?

I didnt say anything

No you didn’t, but you’re expression, the slight shrug of your shoulders . . your eyes, they certainly had something to say.

 

Ya havent wondered why you dont get head a lot

I . . well . I figure they don’t like giving head.

Never occurred to you theres a reciprocation  when you treat a woman like shes a sumptuous banquet shes gonna treat you in kind 

            I know what Im talking about

Yeahwell, I’m not interested in giving a woman head.

Yah Anshe aint interested in giving you head either Maybe the few blow jobs youve gotten were illconceived attempts to have you return the favor An the favor unreturned theyre not so keen to give it a go again  Think   Ya might find the logic in it

Ain’t happening.

Yup It aint 

             Me on the other hand  I gotta be careful I dont suck the marrow out of their bones an kill em  Its a banquet babe an might be not a soul more grateful than me for their hardy participation and affection

Still no matter Head also suggests intelligence anif I refer to you as headless or heedless youll have to forgive me Cant image why such a delicacy doesnt appeal to you

Nevertheless returning to Pandoras Box Unlike the Greeks the Spartans had a high opinion of their women  they wouldnt have assigned the ills and sorrows unleased on the world when Pandora opened the box yet closing it in time to keep Hope  I think she is as badly treated as Eve when regarding her seduction of Adam to take a bite of the apple 

absently tapping his foothe wasnt enjoying the conversationwhat he presumed belittlement

                                                                                                The Spartans were Greek.

Not necessarily Sparta was a city-state governed separate of classical Athens  Not to split hairs but Id call me a Spartan an you a Greek  Were different tribes babe different tribes         

 

1959,  Twosday,  17  11. 20

1303,  Saturday,  21  11. 20

https://www.thoughtco.com/what-was-pandoras-box-118577 

No

pretty simplehe wondered why people had such a difficult time saying  No

he said it a lot

 

Well, not everyone is like you, Joe. his mother would say then true to form for she loved to try and get in the last word You wouldn’t tell your mother no.

                                   a declaration not a question

Yes Maw Id tell you no

                       Ive told you no when you overstep your bounds  she had trouble abiding boundaries other people set  she believed only in hers

she had a lot to learn

and he constantly and consistently taught her

 

No

it was also a courtesy

some people effected silence assuming it said No

he couldnt imagine not saying what he believed

in his life many while having their saygreeted by silence greeted by silent acquiescence became upset with him when he interrupted them

                 asif he were discourteous                 

Youll excuse me please I disagree I didnt want you to assume you were speaking for me

as a young teenager he was remembered well during a Catholic service he tried to interrupt the priest who was sermonising that marriage is between a man and a woman

his hand went up

the priest saw it

like in school he sat up front

the priest ignored him

he then waved his hand

the priest ignored him

he stood and said in a firm voice

                                    No Yare wrong 

then he turned his back on the priest the Church and walked down the nave and outside the building

his parents heard of it before he had walked home

they were appalled

he laughed

             I agree with you Father Francis was appalling

which forced them to sayas he knew he was provoking them that they agreed with the Father

Yare wrong too

 

 

he was waiting for a telephone call because he asked verbally and in a note if they would please call him

silence

apparently thats what they were going to teach their three young children

                                                                              to be spineless                                                                                                      

0903,  Saturday,  21  11. 20

CSN&Y  Teach Your Children  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQOaUnSmJr8

 

Awwha the hell he was talking to himself Wha the hell is this

he was across the street and cattycorner of the Police Department like the schools in town where their students were incarcerated behind tall chainlink fences and patrolled the Police building fronted and was high above the main street and behind a high retaining wall topped by eight foot black barred fence

                                                                           what startled him was on top the fence that wrapped back towards the building and stopped at brick posts which gave way to ramps that provided egress and exit for private vehicles and patrol cars

he hadnt seen anything like it since he was a boy 

the tops were wrapped with coiled elongated sparkling razorwire the sunlight glinted off it

as a boy on a family trip south they went through Cairo Illinois  entering Cairo was a stubborn yellow brick POLICE building sandbag walls ran around it and on top the bags was three foot tall coils of razorwire the building looked as if it was expecting a siege at each of the corners were machinegun bunkers the barrels were relaxedpointing up into the sky

he asked he sat behind his father as he drove he liked the smell of the Brylcreem his father put in his hair Paw Why does the police building look like a fort

To defend against the nigg . .

. . Robert! his mother barked You’ll watch your mouth around the children.

The boy asked, you prefer, I believe, that I don’t lie to him.

No, I don’t, but our racial problems will not be solved until one side stops preferring the terrible injustices Jim Crow laws have heaped on the other. As well you know how I feel about that language. If you can’t answer the boy civilly, don’t answer at all.

it was a startling exchange

the back of his fathers neck reddened

looking at the side of his mothers face he could tell she was angry

Nevermind Paw  I was curious nevermind

when they returned home from the trip his father didnt drive through Cairo he took a roundabout longer route and complained about wasting money on gas  and back home he went to the library to read about Jim Crow laws

he was appalled

                  the lady librarian was appalled he was appalled he told her Youd get along well with my Dad

turns out it wasnt razorwire it was Christmas garland  it wasnt Halloween yet whawas with the garland

funny the unexpectedness of it returned that memory 

                                                        when he learned his father was a racist

 

late October,  2020

1321,  Reggae Friday,  20  11. 20

Im melting  melting   Wha a worldwha a world

is it Giggles the Clown 

                        https://www.msnbc.com/the-beat-with-ari/watch/-meltdown-as-rudy-giuliani-flails-in-court-trump-hides-in-wh-96333893778 

                                   or the Wicked Witch of the West 

                                                                      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQJ8WrKnLUs

Giggles melted ridiculously  wha a fuckin joke  

bets on Giggles

                                                                                      1816,  Reggae Friday,  20  11. 20                                                                      

 

he found it scintillating not only to devour flesh from bones but also to split the softened bones with his canines and use their splinters to dig out marrow and eat

if he were an animal and had to die to feed someone hed wish someone like he would eat him

                                                                                                 he believed waste not want not he ate organs tripe sweetbread brains feet it was offal those who are less-versed might think he misspelled awful he tried and relished as many ethnic delicacies as he could find or was offered  

he understood his tastes were informed by his ethnic Polish family he was a second-generation American his mother and fathers sides arrived in the early 1900s he didnt know much of his fathers side – seems his father wasnt curious – his maternal grandmother arrived under the sponsorship of her uncle and ended up in Indianahis grandfather arrived at Ellis Island four years later to the day on the same ship his grandmother arrived he wasnt familiar with his grandfathers entry however he fought in the First World War as did his paternal grandfather

once he took up housekeeping in California he realised that Mexicans and Polish ate similarly it was liberating  oxtail heart  kidneys they werent available at regular American grocers evidently white peopleOops their clientele didnt have a hankering for rare thick-cut liver 

                                       no surprise living in Minnesota when he bought offal he bought just enough for his meal his wife and children wouldnt partake his wife made something different and during dinner the three of them made fun of him and fake-retched as he ate

since leaving Chicago as a teenager he couldnt find a good restaurant or any place to buy fresh and smoked Polish sausage -- Hillshire does not make Polish sausage they only call it that – neither kiszka kaszanka blood sausage tame gwumpki stuffed cabbage rolls or pierogies which where filled with plum cottage cheese or sauerkraut

one thing his ethnic upbringing and foods informed if push ever came to shove cannibalism wouldnt be a reach

he once told his Maw about the rugby team whose plane went down in the Andes to survive they resorted to cannibalism UGH. I’d never. Maw your life hangs in the balance Never. Youd prefer to die I’d die. he rubbed his hands together enthusiastically and obscenely smacked his lips Well babe just more for me to eat

1845,  Twosday,  17  11. 20

1056,  Thursday,  19  11. 20

 

Atlas asshole  Atlas asshole   Atlas   asshole 

                                                  https://www.msnbc.com/all-in/watch/trump-covid-19-adviser-urges-people-to-gather-with-elderly-on-thanksgiving-despite-risks-96190533505

make no doubt  he is an asshole

evidently 252K American deaths arent sufficient  

2050,  Thursday,  19  11. 20

$252K -- Killed

 

GSAs Emily Murphy USAs Donald Trump holding hands  skippinggiggling off into the sunset 

https://www.msnbc.com/deadline-white-house/watch/donna-edwards-says-trump-is-operating-unlawfully-and-dangerously-and-it-s-killing-americans-96258629712

let him sayeffect an appropriate epizeuxis  Americans will die Americans will die Americans will die  and Republicans dont care

1646,  Thursday,  19  11. 20

 

 

NO GOING BACK 

                    he knew that  hes known that   but now he finds himself repeating it every dayan affirmation of sorts

       though usually affirmations are Wha I love about myself is my ability to (fill in the blank) considered a powerful way to improve ones mindset daily as they can increase ones feeling of self-worth  self-worth hes never had a problem with that 

 

NO GOING BACK

                   he says that now to remind himself before leaving someone or someplace to look very hard at them  see them once more

                  there is no guarantee tomorrow will be as it had been today

he knows that

                although his daughters death has cut him deeper than any death of someone who he was intimate

he looked in her face when she was bornhis first child

he looked in her faceher eyes he thinks she saw himmaybe like when she was a baby she smiledher huge dimples  and died

       he saw the colour of her life drain from her face  her smile so slowly fell

OH MY GAWDIF HE COULD  HE WOULD RETURN TO PLACES AND TIMES WITH HER IN A HEARTBEAT 

1248,  Twosday,  17  11. 20 (though it occurred late last week)

1105,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  18  11. 20

Seals & Crofts  Funny Little Man  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rwbwt7kRZJE

$252K -- Killed

https://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/doctor-calls-on-trump-wh-to-share-virus-data-with-biden-team-96122949953 

                the Republicans political tack reminding him of McDonald’s hamburgers  they touted Look for the Golden Arches its relentless business model was Hamburgers Served it wasnt until their formation in 1954 that they could boast One Million Served in 1962

                                    imagine if the Trump virus flourished eight years without a vaccine

Christ “How Many Served”

1838,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  18  11.  20