29.4.20


he took another hit off the bong
                                 when no one gathered sat forward to take it from him he set it down in the grassat his hip beside his lawn chair

he leaned his head back and exhaled a long breath of smoke into the night sky it moved to the cool breeze coming off the lake

the water played in the reedslapped the warm mud mixed with silt and grass and last years fallen leafmulch 

they pitched tents built a firepit fed it seasoned oak they brought in their trunks and trucks 

they joinedthey said to celebrate their mothers life
                                                        he came to defend it
she was his motherinlaw 

hed known her only three years when she died but when he visited her his fatherinlaw they spent inordinate time together usually rising before the rest of the house  took their black coffees – another predilection only they shared -- outside and sat beside each other in wicker chairs sharing a side table made of a finished log stood on end  they knew the tree it came from  and usually sitting up before an applewood fire in the fireplace long after family went to bed
they were never bankrupt for conversation

he admired her deeply she laughed when he knelt genuflected – he liked the word -- before her paying homage to her for all the balls she managed skillfully to keep in the air it seemed that only he and his wife appreciated her delicacydeftness her aplomb as she negotiated yetanother riff between her children her children and her husband agilely constantly  putting out fires
                                     Why  he abruptly asked herhe felt too many times   Why

she would reach over to himtake his face in her hand  few people got that close  and smile beatifically Because they’re my family.

Who heap shit on you anfrom our conversations have heaped shit on you for long as theyve been conscious an youve been married

I accept it, it’s not like I didn’t see it coming, didn’t try and thwart it.


Is it a project

she laughed heartily No. Not a project, no. They’re selfish people, they were born selfish; it’s their nature. 

It’s my nature to nuture.

he couldnt hold his tongue Man your cross to bear
                                                      Seems the wrong people are bearing crosses


he hung on her wordsalways paid attention to their depth their gravity

he learned lot from her but hed be damned if he put it into practise as she did

she shined a light into a wilderness which otherwise he wouldnt have known


his wife wasnt selfish

unfortunately she exhibited the same tendenciestendernesses her mother did  they were two peas in a pod

yet once he started dating her he made sure her siblings understood they were to treat her right or hed treat them in kind 

they really didnt like that 

he didnt care 

Balls in your court Cross your sister youll cross me An as you know I wont tolerate it Make her life hell for a moment  Ill make yours hell for a day

it wasnt a threat




he sat around a campfire with them

he wouldnt have been there if his wife hadnt begged
                                                         truly
he couldnt deny his wife anything

but he could make her beg

he wasnt sure what that said about him about them  about her

he preferred to keep her out of harms way

but she preferred to walk on hot coals

Why
      that echoed Why he threw at his motherinlaw

his wife let his Whys roll off her back

she tried to disarm him They’re my fam . .
. . No Theyre your siblings Theyre your parents family

shed set her jaw adamant like trying to make a mule get up and walk if it didnt want to  They are my family.

Yes Yours  Allyours


they sat before the fireyapped what a miracle it was that their mother held on as long as she did before she died that she clawed back and was able to communicate with them after her physicians said she was at Deaths door

they liked to co-opt her miracle as their miracle lighted by its light  not their mothers light  they wouldnt give her that
anymore than they gave his wifelied to her that her mother was doing well when in fact it was apparent to her physician that she had lapsed back into a coma and could linger for weeks months   a year 
a real Quality Lifehuh

her machine was turned off



stoned
        what he could imagineknowing his motherinlaw  her and her witchy ways  was that she foresaw what loomed in the future for her granddaughter the only grandchild she was alive to meet and enjoy  she sidestepped her miracle hoping that it might flow to her granddaughter

he could imagine and he could accept that


he let them talk

he pulled his chair back from the corona cast by the firethey wouldnt mind  and sat situated where he could hear the water better than the fires crackling
                                       their cackling

his wife got up out of her chair and squatted down by him gave him a kiss Are you alright?

Ahyour sweet Im fine Really  If they cross any lines . . 
. . You’ll swing in like Tarzan?

Yes Jane Exactly like Tarzan

I love you. Thank you.

he looked up into her face  it was darkened by the night her shadow the bright fire at her back  You know  eventually  Ill submit to you  Im stubborn   And Im stubbornly in love with you

Your mom was one-in-a-million  I am so grateful meeting you allowed me to me her

You were her guy. You know she wrote that in her calendar the day she met you.

Yah  She was so cocksure

he saw the smile break on her face his eyes more accustom to the darkness now or maybe lighted by moonbeams reflected by the lake  Cocksure?  My mother and cocks?  Could we agree to assuredconfident?

Off of one meeting

Love. No matter who you meet, you make a substantial first impression.


Are you tryin to get in my pants



Could be.  she squeezed his thigh as she rose  I’m not going to ask you if I can get you something.


I love you Cindi

I lust you too. she walked away


as much as he liked to see her come he liked to see her go

Twosday evening,  15  10. 19
1257,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  29  4. 20
Blood, Sweat and Tears  God Bless the Child  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04rClGsbWp4   



healing
 
                       heal thyself

actually the quote is from Luke some chaptersome verse  Latin  Medice, cura te ipsum

she wasnt a physician

she was curiouslyinclined and knew her body

she knew her bodyshe thought as well as he knew his
                                                            Yadont Ive abused my body I know my abused body more than you know your unabused body 

Yours is a temple baby

Mines a hovel

I knew that from the getgo

So please dont follow my lead


he blew hot air



years ago when she worried she would die youngher mother committed suicideher maternal grandmother died young of a novel disease he reminded her that he was inside of her too
                                                                  Yagot me inside you I dontfor a moment believe youre going to die young

she smiled warmly Maybe, I’m telling you . . to prepare you.

Please stop Nothing can prepare anyone for death 

Youre an athlete You know the power of thinking positive Please Muster positivity  Put this death-imagining down



she tried her best to heal herselfletting her body dictate the terms 

it was a bad fit

she neglected the medical professionals despite seeking them

he had done the same

he did because he felt the physician didnt listen to himhad a preconceived notiona preconceived diagnosis 

he decided that the symptomssymptom of whatever was haranguing him was ultimately pain  the matter then  bearing it

so he decided to quash the specialists diagnosis and let his body heal

he accepted the pain the sleeplessness  accepted the time hed have to commit  and endure


her professionals were genetic specialists

he thought they could have impressed her

she swung their way later  perhaps later than she should have

maybe she would have endured longer

maybe


her healingher miracle manifested itself in her brute tolerance her determination and was alternatively aided by high-tech medical machinery  chicanery   snake oil

If you believe If you believe If you believe
                                            Theres no place like home



she broke his heart

not that she meant to

but there was no way she couldnt


the last thing she wrote him with her eye-gaze devise You are the best Dad


2303,  Monday,  16  12. 19
1438,  Twosday,  28  4. 20