when he closed his eyes to think
about it not
that he didnt think about it all the time since hearing from his niecehis
daughter they tagteamed him with
alternating texts a blueish slickness washed into his
eyes an fractured a pummeled pane of glass the bits moved
gathered they tortured an shaped
themselves into gritty dragonspawing blackeyed Mesozoic reptiles
he didnt care for two-scooped ice cream conesdifferent flavours
he liked to eat one flavour from
a bowl with a spoon
a two-scooped cone was shoved into
his hands
on the bottom of it was his sisters
third cancer ovarian
the top scoop was his brothers
lung cancer
he was feeling the weight of
themnot guilt not because they were younger
than him he
was feeling the weight of
helplessnessof distancehe was on the Left Coast an they in the Midwest he
talked with his
sister a couplethree times a month for nearly seven years while she fought her
cancers
his brother couldnt talk on the
telephonehe could barely talk so he
wrote him letters which his brother didnt answer because he didnt write
lettershe never wrote lettersWhats to understand I dont like to write so I dont
he wondered
if his brother read his letters
his brothers cancer was
fastmoving
his brother was late attending to
it
Stage 4
he never heard of a Stage 5
cancer
the only war to fight
is an existential war
his brother was a strategistthe
fucker loved chess
he hated chess so he understood logistics its
critical necessity
he couldnt help but think his
brother was aware of symptomsodd pains feelingsmotherfucking hints that something was amiss
or he didnt care if someone ignores their health is
that suicide
they werent questions he could
ask his brother
he wrote them insteadexercised futility
he didnt expect answers
if things went south for his
brother
his sister said Hesdying
she was convinced
though
she even if she couldnt admit it wasnt in
a good mindspace
if things went south for his
brother hed miss him like missing an
irritationan itch
he couldnt scratch
NO
hed miss him terribly
his brother would be
that phantom pain hed suffered for their amputation
1713, Friday,
8 12. 17
1203, Saturday,
9 12. 17
Daniel Johnston No More Pushing Joe Around https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V46pMZkX2EY
Hi, How Are You https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHaXPBL1I-I
