Are you sure?

he was

they werent they repeated themselves  Are you sure?

he hated to repeat himself so he was sure his words didnt come out kindly  I am

as they repeated themselves againfull speed aheadheads down like a bull at a cape he quietly set out the empty drug syringe the half-emptied water syringe and beside them the log in which two hours earlier he notated the last morphine dosage

he quietlyunperturbed set out the evidence which assured them he did what he said he did that they questioned

they had the question

hed already provided the answer

Are you sure?

              they were mumbling

they were on morphine 

                                Can you . .

. . Why don I say I spilled the prescription

You'd say that?

Id say it once

Are you sur . .

. . Ya really wanna test me on this

                                     Both of ya go to bed Ill buy ya four hours Then Im turnin in

This goes no furthur

as they stumbled off he could have kicked himself

                                                    they beat him to the punch

hed have to leave his morphine experience to the distant past

Hospice would be pissed a prescription of morphine was dumped  but the two knew no one who knew how to exercise some fuckin inquisitor with righteous indignation than he

I spilt it

How much?

I donknow it dumped  as I told you 

I mopped it up with a paper towel 

Ive no idea what amount was in the vial when it dumped or a guess wharemained

You understand morphine is a controlled substance.

We’ll have to notify the DEA.

Yah Go ahead  You notify them I caught my heel on the cart and dumped the vial Im happy to talk to them an tell em verbatim wha Ive told you

Were contendin here with a bigger issue an the DEA is the least of our concerns  Excuse me for sayin so maybe impertinent but the DEA under this administration aint coverin or regulatin a gawddamn thing

0733,  Saturday,  15  2. 20

0119, Monday,  17  8. 20

Nina Simone  Sinnerman  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3Fx41Jpl4          

he was attracted to the title of a book A Rebours by Joris-Karl Huysmans he would be  A rebours translates to Against Nature

                  sometimes the best thing about a book is its title

like people one meets on the street

intriguing names

best thing about them

then a little work to forget them

titles lead him astray too often

his anticipation is corrupted – ainticipation – the pageswords within the cover fall flat fall on their face and hes disinclined to help them up or encourage them

he prefers to let them find their own feet if they can

                                                     he crosses his fingers that maybe then theyll succeed and be what their title intimated

intimated

subtle

not flashy or garish

                   not whorish

he was animated by his voyeuristic nature his tendencies  the inside of a wrist an elbow an armpit a pulse at the throat the scent of freshbrushed then tousled hair  the unspoken realm painted by eyecontact

                                                                                                    she they cast their eyes down when they meet and refuse to raise them againrefuse to let their silent eyes speak to covey what they would

many times he was told he was mistaken or brazen

                                                        Tell you what have a drink with me and well sit and we dont have to talk We can gaze into each others eyes an then lets see what they have to say

No.

That isnt risqué

No.  No thank you.

at least they were polite

he always accepted No

he didnt mind if they were polite or frantically brusqueabrasive they were always in control evenif they didnt think they were

too bad they were fearful of what their id might have tried to communicate

                                                                               they suffer their captivity

perhaps theyre alarmed by his freedom

                                         asif women arent free

they would be if they spent time with him

A Rebours 

he had no idea what it meant then

he just liked it

liked how it fit in his eyes

1803,  Thursday,  13  2. 20

1348,  Sunday,  16  8. 20

he struggled with her illness 

he was haplessly  

violently he wanted to blame  to blame someonesome  thing

blame

        it was really very human of him perhaps the best thing to do was drop it  solve if possible what was wrong

Whats wrong

she knew he knew   there was no righting this no solving it

                                                                  it would only end

it was no ones fault no ones blame

were born an that which we are is baked in the cake

                                                         we cannot escape our geneticsour muthafucking DNA

ALS  it stole her voice her strength to holdup her head her right arm now it was dragging on her lungsher breathing but it didnt affect her legs and with her help she made their caring of her easier than otherwise it would have been

she was his hero

he wouldnt be anywhere else in the world

they were able to acquire an eyegaze machine

                                               she had been texting with her left hand but her dexterity was failing rapidly if it had not been for the machine she would have nakedly only had her eyes to communicate her needs

her needs exceeded words

                            fortunately she had always been so very expressive with her eyes

                                                                                                   to say she had that in spades would have been an understatement

it was very scifi

                 Sterlings Shaper-Mechanists universe posthuman beings either augmented genetically and psychologically or by cybernetic hardware computer software and drugs the Mechanists were Lobsters and wireheads

the two campstheir ethics were so violently split that they warred

he wondered where she might have come down

                                                 she was uniquely drawn to heady esoteric realms yet worked and played plugged-in

they didnt have that conversation

one of so many conversations they didnt have because ofcourse  they had all the time in the world

still he was curious

                      it called into existence his viability 

youthful invincibility is shaken by others deaths 

when your child is dying before your eyes you wonder how you ever conceived of being invinciblewhy the word even exists

it describes nothing meaningful 

he like everyone is a pawn

1431,  Thursday,  13  2. 20

1122,  Sunday,  16  8. 20

McCoy Tyner  Inner Glimpse  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HzzNgnM-yk