She said she was worried because
she couldnt help herself
she worried that what she
conceived inside her head might become
as
insane as it sounded
and
outside of her properly birthed breathing and thriving
the Hell itd cause
and
the Hell itd take to put it down
put it out of her misery
I didnt imagine anyone could do
what she said she feared
I didnt provide her any credence
then she came to me
sometime after I told her what she worried about was impossible
that if she didnt stop or
couldnt stop tormenting herself someone else might find out about her
about her fears and believe she was troubled or deranged and believe she may
be a danger to herself or possibly others and they might seek to have her arrested
committed and then beyond either his or her ability to keep them longer at bay keep them from institutionalizing her
stripping her of her rights her liberties
then an institution would dictate her necessities
she heard me out
this day she looked me sympathetically in the face
and dabbed tears that wouldnt stop from the corners
of her eyes with the knuckles of her hands
I gave her my handkerchief
-- Its clean
I swear
she giggled taking it from me
but
before she could use it her giggle erupted into sobs and the sobs wracked her shook her
very frame and melted her countenance
very frame and melted her countenance
then with an enormous effort momentarily
she quit
and
blurted
-- ITS OUT
her tears and torment swallowed
her whole as a mad sea an angry
surf
I clutched her free hand as she
was consumed and she wailed ITS OUT! ITS
OUT!
-- What
her spine went slack
-- Its out
as I feared Its out Its out she mumbled
her nose ran spittle strung
between her anguished mouth and the handkerchief
Its
out
you didnt believe me
Its
out
I couldnt stop It I tried
I couldnt
It wasnt going to let me
I
couldnt
couldnt stop It
I let go of her hand and took her
in my arms I wrapped her body her shoulders I hugged her hard and hoped that she
could feel the strength in me feel it and let it ebb into her I held her hard to make her feel she was
whole and she could take from me whatever it was she needed and become stronger
by it a fire to a copper pot warming warming
warming
soon
the wracking the crying
ceased
she mewed a small childs mew
a punished child
when she was possessed my shirt wet against my chest from her
anguish I rocked her
and sshhed her
and when she breathed again rhythmically
when I could feel her heart beat beat
beat against my chest
-- sshh
sshh
sshh
I spoke
I want you to listen to me can you listen just listen to me
she silently rocked her face
against my breast
good
good
you understand youre safe now with me
she rocked her face in my breast
good
youre safe youre safe thats the first of it the very first
sshh
safe and sound
it sounds trite
until
you recognise you are safe and
sound
she nuzzled my breast
very good well sit here just like this just like this until youre ready until youre very good
and
ready
understand
she nuzzled
good very good
I have no idea how long we sat
still me holding her her face in my chest my fingers clutching
her shoulders
I listened I listened to her breathe
I had no idea what she was listening to
she was deep deeply inside herself
I thought of green caterpillars
and pale cocoons
she broke the silence with a sigh
and then a cough
a
cough like a shadow appearing ahead of who cast it
I didnt say anything I had nothing to say She had come to me
I
listened
-- you didnt believe me
you didnt believe me when I said
I feared It would get out of me get away
from me
It spoiled to do whatever It was
It wanted
without
me
outside me
I had no force or restraint over
It
you didnt believe me
and now now
Its out
It feels evil
dark
you
have no idea how it feels to unleash something maybe evil
on unsuspecting people
innocent people
do you
-- I do not
-- what shall I do
-- Perhaps
if I may what shall we do
I suppose you coming to me suggests you understand
that I am culpable in this
that I am
responsible too
That you are not alone
Or helpless
-- what can we do
-- That well have to discover
But bearing It you have the strength It fed from the strength that nurtured It the strength still
to compel It
-- do you believe that
-- I believe that now
Now
and terribly as much as I didnt earlier
It seemed quite impossible
You possess a depth I do not
And the depth you have
you can absorb It You can render
It If you believe you can
As you believed your depth could summons It
-- you believe that
-- I do Can
you believe that
-- yes
she sighed
it seemed probable to us that where It
was birthed was where we could either begin to track or commune with It
as we walked she had flashes in
her eyes of places where It had been she
cried and spat them out and by her
details I could recognise some of them
It hadnt gone farit seemed also It hadnt attacked or injured anyone
the spiked sun denied It
as did the bright blue skies the
yellow sheen the green canopies the brilliant flowers and the slag of black hot tarmac
intransigent Nature restricted
its unnatural path
earlier this morning too restless to sleep too fearful
she
slipped a jacket over her gown and walked and decided to walk to a park near
her home where she might gain a respite
the
park was filled with eveningbirds roosting who rose to greet the stitches of
darkness coming undone out of the sky
it overlooked a small stone-carved fountain of spouting dolphins writhing seadragons and healthy mermaids blowing streams of water through conchshells
beyond the fountain
lay a silver reed-edged lagoon where thin tremors of
small fish ran just below its surface near
and among the grass and young
lime-coloured stalks of cattail
she said her fear eased
she curled her legs beneath
herself and crossed her wrists on her lap
she could feel her pulse mete and warm the wrist below the other
and quieted
she closed her eyes and listened to the birds
calling their rustling and twisting out
of close branches
she listened to their murmurs
whistles and wonderings
she said she thought she catnapped
and she thought when she imagined
It was out
that It had slipped her It roused her roughly from her napping
and then completely awakened staring at the worked stone the silver spray
and pulsating
strings of the fountain
It
stood before her
staring at her inquisitively
It choked briefly snorted snarled
and then went past her eyeing her seeming
to niggle her inertness chortle at her
ineptitude
It disappeared into the near close-tree
line
a gamboling shadow
they returned to the bench she
had walked to that morning
she seemed drawn to it iron filings to a magnet stickled
affixed
-- here
she said
I can draw It here I can bring It back
she grasped my hand and knotted
her fingers around mine
I can bring It back
I can take It back
I can take It back
she crushed my hand my fingers grew pale and gray
I can do this
what little slouch she had in her
spine from exhaustion from worry
spun out
and she quietly sat perfectly erect
an antenna
a honing beacon
she let go of my hand
-- please
please stand back away
I walked to the curled lip of the
fountain to the verdigris of moss and
happy mould and knelt beside it Watching
I watched her seem to swell very
slightly
she cooed
I watched her lips move
she was talking
but
I couldnt hear a word of it
I wondered if she prayed a piety nestled in her face she appeared beatific
she sat impossibly erect
she
seemed to elongate growing taller thinner
then she held her arms and hands before herself expectantly
her mouth moved strangely
if it moved to a language it moved to a language that distorted her
face and was guttural without
distinction
then she went rigid
and something marbled her
colouring like twisting amber smoke off
a tallow candle
then she cried
-- HOME
BACK HOME
and at once she seemed to go
asunder like a broken balloon suspended
exactly when it
ruptured
and at the same once she imploded
and like a vapour or the scent of
a fragile flower
steam
she was gone
I rubbed my eyes
I got up off my knees
I walked to the bench where she
sat
And standing there solemnly
I was sure I heard something
I heard something
I heard
the
mews of a punished child
0014, Friday,
7 11. 14
