he couldnt speak for othershe wouldnt he was floored when someone piped up and
declared what so-an-so would think or say or do JesusChrist the audacity then it
occurred to him that someone might have spoken for him behind his back his hackles went up at the mere thoughtNO he wouldnt speak for anyone other than
himself
he had sat down to write a letter
to a friend about a subject that recently was offered him attemptingperhaps to
explain how his familyhis childhood family had treated his sister as she fought cancer for ten hard years before it
took her
her body killing her
they said it might be something
called relationally incapacitated
without knowing what the concept entailed
he wasto say the least s h o c k e d bruised
by what the paired words communicated although
he was immediately more prone to accept the notion than deny it to
defend them why would he do that he acted
nothing like they did he acted exactly
like his dead sister
he found an article it began “Absence of the mother . . ” or
mothering perhaps
he inferredthe damn neighbor fired up his blower ostensibly to blow away leaves
shaken down by the wind that whipped the neighbourhood and ran in tandem with a
twenty hour rain that had fallenGawddammit The grounds wet the leaves are wet its gonna rain some more over his muttering he heard his neighbor curse
the machine it wasnt blowing the leaves off his drive the engine revved
louder the leaves adhered to the blacktop NOhe wouldnt speak for others Use
a fuckin broom an a shovel if you want the leaves up so badly People so damn lazy And I got to listen to this shit . .
he set the
article aside
he opened a new page a
distraction art an article on art about a Rembrandt showing in London he opened another page on Rembrandt Images which
triggered Modigliani Images Picasso Rivera Tamayohe opened other pages Frida
Images he couldnt say how long he took turns at magnifying certain drawings and
canvaseshow long the space grew in his chestthat sensation that flowed in him
like fresh blood asif he was transfusedthat sensation that always rushed himaccompanied
him as he looked at artthe reason that possessed him and led him to museums and
galleries hundreds of miles away . .
then atasudden he realised no
outdoor noise his hearing flipped on again
after he turned it off
the neighbor and the leafblower had desisted
rain was falling
it whispered
he blew kisses to the artwork closed
their windows gently one at a time willowing the menu back to the single page
that brought him to the computer in the first place
a pot of coffee brewed toast Sorrento
orange marmalade and two cups later "Absence
of the mother . . mothering
. . and growing up without significant personal contacts from the start of a
child’s life, unaccompanied by the influence of an externalizing environment,
favor the emergence of an apathetic and relationally incapacitated ego which “plays
the role” of an ego without fulfilling its synthesizing role . . favor the
emergence of a tendency to avoid relationship and introjection . . favor the
emergence of ego-inflation characteristic of an aggressively egocentric
psychopath . . ”
he didnt know the term
introjection
introjection “Children are looking to their
environments to define them. They look into the faces of their caregivers and
they see mirrors. They do this, however, not simply to see themselves, but also
because they fear abandonment. They feel that they must be whatever is in
that mirror in order to maintain a relationship with their caregivers. What
they receive from those upon whom they utterly depend is overwhelming. Their
sense of self goes with the undercurrent, and they become whatever they see in
the mirror. So, what is projected onto them—because the parents have not
resolved the issue themselves—the children accept as identity. They have not
yet developed the ability to reject the projection.”
AH
reject the projection
reject the mirror
he never cared much for mirrors he used them to
shave he didnt want to cut his throat he really liked the straightedge razor handed
down to him from his grandfather the utility of it the horsehide strop
thats about all he took from
family
his sister was five and a half
years younger than him he jumped the
brother and sister who followed him and spent a lot of time with her they palled aroundpalled around until he did
what he said he was going to do the whole time he was young he left home
left the state
his mother wasnt particular
influential
his father wasnt either
perhaps the reason why his sister
was like him was because he rubbed off on her
usually he rubbed people the wrong
way
maybe he rubbed one right
relationally incapacitated a mouthful and foul
1126, Saturday,
1 12. 18
