she texted: im overwhelmed im afraid you’re angry
he looked at her words through his quiet reflection on the fones screen it placid a pale green submerged light of a standing morning tidepool
he texted: I’m not angry What’s to be angry about S e n d
he said time and time again that if he was ever angryif he was ever anything shed know hed tell her he wasnt a namby-pamby passive-aggressive prick she didnt have to guess or imagine his state of mind
hed tell her
hed tell her in the fittest of terms their most muscular and unshy
The basis of our relationship is . . . Is what You finish my statement
Honesty
I appreciate your singularity Yes The basis of our relationship is honesty Without it we have nothing and I would be remiss to say that theres too much nothing out in the world
Im angry he wondered Whats she got going on in her head
she knew him to be confrontationalFuck uber-confrontational Was that a word Uber- was Fuckin Germans like Jews had words for everything Übermensch Beyond-Man Superman he liked Overman Nietzsches from Thus Spake Zarathustra she knew he didnt pull back or away from anything
least of all their startling relationship
if he had a bone to pick he was a mongrel
Projection
she better not be projecting
at its heart it was dishonest
sometimes she got caught up with that little voice in her headwere all assaulted by it assaulted and apeppered seasoned turned made ready for the grilling projections foment
grilled by yourself and by whom youve attacked
and make no mistake you roll that shit out youre in someones face
if someones worth their muster theyre on youyah like a dog on a bone
that voice in her head was a doubting voice
he told her tellings never helpful except to the extent that she hears it out of his mouth she ought to be confident try to be confident
he told her on more than one occasion he wasnt sure it was a voice as much as an echo of words said to her inculcated in her since she was a little girl
he was concerned a voice in her head was her mothers Nobody can love you Only I can love you truly love you
hearing that voice those words one would be foolish not to imagine it its words hadnt adhered found places like a tick to burrow into and feed and grow fat parasitic hobbling
disabling
but thats how he felt
shed say But thats how I feel You cant tell me how to feel
no he couldnt
he wouldnt
but hed be gawddamned if he didnt say how he felt
that legitimacy went both ways
nothing back itd been a halfhour
silence is her lie
what she doesnt say is her fault
he didnt bother looking for nice or gentle ways of saying things a waste of time
Dont you think you could waste time for me if you say you love me
You wanna unpack that
Excuse me
Unpack what you said Ill reiterate so you understand I heard exactly what you said Dont you think you could waste time for me if you say you love me
I dont say I love you give you lip service
I love youBAM
Dont you think you could waste time
I abhor wasting time wasted time you know that If Im anything Im efficient
Waste time for me
For me
Yesfor me You say I love you to me You ought to treat
me special better than you treat other peoplePeople you dont love
Well
I would ask when the last time it was that you asked me for something that I didnt come through that I didnt provide it For You
silence is her lie
eventually shell lift her radio silence
shell ignore what preceded it
hell take her back to it
shell say she doesnt want to argue
hell tell her he isnt arguing hes talking hes trying to communicate with her he can almost hear her bitch mother muttering
her mother earned her bitchdom even as he tried his damnedest not to bestow it
some things just are
denying it would be lying
1444, Saturday,
22 10. 16
0902, Thursday, 27 10. 16
0902, Thursday, 27 10. 16
Billy Preston
Will It Go Round in Circles https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6F_DRNCGjQM
Janet Jackson What Have You Done for Me Lately https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9uizdKZAGE
