he never found his way out
he did try
he tried for a long while
and when it seemed to him hed
exhausted all avenues
he stopped looking
I encouraged him to keep at
it pull at its seams for shortcuts
gangways fuckin alleys
-- Theres always another way to
skin a cat
I dont wanna skin a cat he said
Yeah I said Sorry thats called a euphemism
he said it sounded even worse
he was such a big kid physically
I always forgot the smaller one rummaging around inside
his skull wasnt more than nine
but then that concept prejudiced
me it didnt help Id been a precocious nine year old
I couldnt utter precocious it would sound even worse than euphemism
I had to take a step further
down the footladder and speak even more plainly to him
-- Theres something there for you
I know it
-- Well mebbe But I dont care any more
he wasnt stupid
he saw the unspoken protest in
my face
-- You must realize you care more
than I do dont you
I thought his remark
brazen and terribly accurate
-- Hey you have your pipe dreams
for me And for you Do us both a favor and chase yours
Thatd make me happier than
skinning some cat
Then he stood abruptly grasped
my shoulder once and walked away aimlessly lighting
a cigarette as he went
-- Hey that shit aint good for
your health your doctors say Fucks with
your medications
without looking over his
shoulder he gave me the bird as he shook out the flame from the
match
-- I aint takin my meds I dont like how they make me feel I feel
unreal
I shouted Theyre for your HEALTH
-- YOU AINT LISTENIN
if he said anything more it was
lost in the noise of a passing truck
then he didnt
acknowledge me calling his name
after him
You aint listenin
always hung in my
ears when wed meet again over the ensuing years
and there werent many
he went on and off his meds
countless times blatantly and loudly or
on the sly
I understood he was back on
them when his heart attacked him and killed him
despite
the additional day afterwards on
life-support faking life
when the doctor finally pulled
the plug on his machine
he probably beat their residual
lights going out
the machine heat slowly leeched
from his body
his features went ashen
air slipped from his throat
like air passing out of a deflating balloon
then I heard
I heard it just above in his voice
You aint listenin
thinking now
it was an accusation levelled
at all of us who wanted for him
maybe who fairy-tale-wanted
more than the cold hard facts
who
was deluded
the scarce nine year old
or the adults
