Anais Nin reminded him  pages thirtytwo through thirtyfour of her unexpurgated diary revealed in Incest

                                                                                                               not to protect anyones ass although she did while she was alivewhile many of her victims were alive  victims she was unmerciful in her assessments

but when everyones deadtheir tongues are dead theyre at the mercy of the diaryist the historian the gospel written by the victor  the ones who didnt die during the conflict

Unexpurgated

                on a books cover caught his attention as did the 60s lurid glossy-covered True Detective magazines  Who would kill a piece of ass like that yakiddin me 

unexpurgated uncensored that made him think of church 

                                                                he was prone to uncensored probably because he was consistently censored at home and school

they seemed to think that they could shut him up with punishments with school detention  no matter he had homework to do threats of suspension which he shutdown he was telling uncomfortable truths he told his teachers the Dean of Boys Howbout you stay home instead

then what they did was disregard himthey wouldnt call on him in class which had he disrupted class would have given them grounds to suspend him

                                    like he didnt see that comingcouldnt figure it out

disregarded

maligned

of the two he preferred maligned and particularly so when he learnedhe had a keen way about him of discoveringcreating leads to learn who maligned him 

                                                        he made it a point

maligners prefer their anonymity

being unidentified

                    or rather as he said  Theyre cowards Aint facing a lion if they dont have to Though eventually they will Kind of like forgiveness People think theyve been forgiven because everyone has a short memory 

his memory -- as his parents said – was corrosively sharp and long he had a lot of slights with which to contend

they werent facing a lion they had help scoundrels cant function without confederates

Nin wrote  I am aware that I cannot catch up on my writing

                                                                likely many sighed to her admission
but that wasnt to say that Nin didnt remember 

he was very sure she remembered evenif she hadnt written it down

                                                                        writers have long memories 

he couldnt keep up on his writing any more than he could count his breaths

                                                                                not that he would find that monotonous think  sexual panting sleepbreathing satiated sighing snorting angrily shallow with expectation shallow with a hope for a long shot to come throughoptimistic determined when thwarted at ease while walking barefooted in the sandfeet and footprints lapped by cool surf holding ones breath as a whale rises spouts and dives again exposing its fluke identifying itself a hawks shriek and dive the inside of a womans thigh when her skirt splits as she gets out of a parked car 

             counting ones breath isnt monotonous  any more than exhaling the bluedsmoke of opium                  

      

1227,  Friday,  31  1. 20

1507,  Monday,  13  7. 20

Jesus Christ Superstar  What’s the Buzz  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3LM2iQ8p7A

he saw her from behindChrist he could have done without seeing her at all he hoped she was pregnant she waddled like a duck 

he had walked like that once but that couldnt be her reason she was wearing a sundress he shit in his pants

                                                                                                                    then it occurred to him he wasnt going to find out if that was her natural gait he wasnt going to catch her she was up a block and going around a corner obscured by an unclipped hedge 

                                                             GONE

shit out of luck

                and more than a bit surprised that he was irked he wouldnt know why was that important or rather why did her walk rankle him he hadnt like her sundress

unworthiness passed down through your lineage

                                                    the unworthiness in your cellular memory

We will talk again with the silent ones . . 

                                            a podcast he overheard

. . take conscious control of every moment of your life . .

. . the unconscious energy of your past random experiences . . 

                                                                         what a crock of shit

Do you really subscribebuy into this babe

I . . think . interior work is good . introspection.

Ill grant ya that but talk again with the silent ones

I think that is more a matter of centering one’s self, rather than talking, with the silent ones.

Lotsa thinkin coming out of your mouth which Im grateful to hear rather than  believing

No. I . I believe.

If you believe  you shouldnt say think

I say think to . . to . placate . you.

Me You dont have to placate mehave you ever known me to placate anyone

No . .

. . Damn right

               Your belief system is yours Have I ever stepped on yoursinsisted  insisted  I dont believe I have

You haven’t.

Thank you

            Then why try and placate me

Maybe placate was the wrong wor . . 

. . It was 

          Placate mollify pacify soothe appease Im not a child Im not your childmaybe this is your motherness coming out at me

Save it for your children

she shrugged

they left it at that

1422,  sunnySunday,  12  7. 20

1331,  Monday,  13  7. 20

https://www.thaissky.com/blog/deconstructing-the-worthiness-wound-and-reasons-for-womens-unworthiness