10.5.20



I confess



I confess
          he thought only priests heard confesses an ofcourse when priests get drunk together Have I got one for you!
God leans in close Tell me. Maybe I’ll recall. You remember how many votive you had them light? Excuse me if I don’t recall; lots of people assume they’ve sinned, good you boys keep the screws tight. furiously he rubs his hands together  Speaking of boys . .




I confess Nin wrote as Linotte 13 years old  Linotte is French for linnet a kind of finch  a little bird

she confessed


writing is an act of confession

admitting
revealing
exposing 
           maybe thats why people dont prefer to writenot even to answer a letter  he could suppose that they werent committed
            and maybe thats why he didnt get along with many people

he was committed


                          he supposed he could be   dishonest          

but that wasnt in his makeuphow as a juvenile he formed accumulated   congealed

he could no more lie than he could submit to greed


greed isnt necessarily selfishnesshe was selfish

selfknowing has selfworth

unnegotiable

NOT FOR SALE
                  See?


a confession committed in wrioting


0749,  Monday,  23  12. 19
1814,  Saturday,  9  5. 20


            8 April 1916 I wonder if I wouldn’t do better to live, rather than philosophise Anais Nin committed to her diary revealed to him in her book Linotte 

she was 13


better to live than philosophise

better to live than write than wriote NAH wouldnt happen

he always had something to say
                                  give his 2 cents

he gave his 2 cents wanted or not

it was usually unwanted

Hush it didnt work

the older he grew then they really couldnt hush it

too much depended on him saying

he was the only person in the organisation who would say anything

that was one way of saying it

the other way of saying it was that he was the only person who dared
his coworkers were cowards

his preamblehis preface was Correct me if Im wrong
                                                      By all means correct me if I am wrong

he wasnt corrected

because he wasnt wrong

he was the harbinger speaker of inconvenient truths


he didnt thinkdidnt believe he would be fired

he didnt toe lines he stepped over them

he only acknowledged boundaries when they were erroneous


Youll excuse me he said  but why would anyone work for a dishonest company


when he was hired he told them he would accept the job on the conditionthe understanding that while he would be a good reflection representation of the company he also expected that the company would be a good reflection of him
It works two ways

It only works two ways

when they hired him they accepted that premise

which made him fearless

                                and willfully philosophise

Monday,  23  12. 19
 1539,  Saturday,  9  5. 20



it was a real fancy house top shelf   whadafuck was he doin there 


they ran into each other randomly

she saw him first

had he seen her first he wouldnt have recognised her

Joe! she startled him as she wove through the crowd milling along the riverwalk  Joe!  she waved madly

he waved casually at the beautiful woman rushing towards himhe didnt recognise her

she threw her arms around himhugging himdamn near mounting him he wouldnt have minded

she let go stepped back still holding him at the shoulders he looked deep in her face  Ohshit  Giselle

YES! she lunged at him again and this time did mount himhe had her by the thighsthe fabric of her dress tortured Oh my God she murmured in his ear I never thought I’d ever see you again.

Nevers a long time Giselle  You definitely saw me

he set her down she pulledtugged arranged her dress pulled it upcheating him of her handsome cleavage I didn’t think you’d recognise me, but I thought what the hell, you haven’t changed a bit, and, ah well, you must know, you have a place in my heart.

he smiled like a fool memories of them bullrushed himmade him breathless with their impact he remembered she was ascendant he remembered he thought hed be an anchorhe would have been a bad fit for where she was going and he didnt want to inhibit herdidnt want to slow her down
                                                        I wouldnt have recognised you from afar
she grinned toothy I recognised you from behind.

Christ

I always told you you had a distinct walk.

You did  I always told you you were full of shit

You did. I caught a glance of you walking near the railing, you always prefer the edges of a crowd than mixing.

Oil and water Giselle

And you always said that too; whenever I had functions that I wanted you to attend with me.  

I knew you could mix if you tried.

I didnt want to try

No. You didn't.

But if you had . . she mused
                               he could see emotions turning in her face her features were more womanly she was more beautiful as a woman than as a younger woman 

he mused 


You’re staring at me.

I am Youre beautiful Im admiring you

Would you like to admire me away from this crowd?

I would

I don’t live far from here. Let’s go. she took his hand and pulled it to her thighsbetween them I’m ecstatic to see you, be with you again. Come. I walked here. We’ll cross the river on the bridge ahead and head towards the lake, that’s my neighborhood. she relaxed his hand fell away from between her thighs but she continued holding it
Your hand always fit well in my hand, Joe.

Likewise I dont think we went anywhere that we didnt hold hands

I don’t think we ever went anywhere without holding hands.

It feels  wonderful frankly

It does. When we get home, if you like, you can freshen up. I’d like to run to the market and make us a special dinner for tonightyou don’t have plans?

If I had plans Id break them

You wouldn’t think twice.

You remember

I remember you don’t think twice. 

I dont Probably a deficiency To date it seemshowever to have been a benefit

Regrets?

he squeezed her hand

she looked at himlooked him in the eyes smiled

he returned her smile Regrets steal time Why I dont regret

I let you steal my time. I regret we didn’t stay together.

he squeezed her hand tightly Look  were getting reacquainted now


he took her up on refreshing himself he had driven allnight most of the day and the river looked inviting it was to be a nice break




he looked out through the pebbledglass set in the massive front door and watched her walkingdisembodied an gathering again up the fieldstone walk

as she began to reach for the door he rapped on it

the rap startled her for a momenther hand falling away then she reached up turned the brass doorknob and pushed the door open in towards him Yes. she said Can I help you?

Yes please I couldnt help but admire he peeked up at the blue skyinto the broad crowns of the Dutch Elms which lined the road  how beautiful this is  Would you mind if I came in mebbe you could show me around  I can take your bag if you like

she extended the brownpaper bag to him it protested

he took it it protested louder as he grabbed its bottom

stepping in he said This is really beautiful wonderful

Why thank you, I’d love to show you around.

Im not imposing

No. No. You’re timing is impeccable.

0854,  Saturday,  9  5. 20
The Byrds  2-4-2 Fox Trot  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EydGJmhadNo