17.5.20


she touched his shoulderleaned down a bit she was tall I’m leaving. Would you see me to the door?

he looked left from where he sat on the sofa 

the front door was right therewouldve been hard to get lost from here and there

she looked upset but not messed up

although to be fair he once went to a bathroom to take a leak and ended up smoking a joint with a clown in the shower 

a male clown 

hard to find female clowns 

kinda like Shakespearean plays in the day all the roles were played by men
                                                                                  or perhaps their sex shut that shit down taking themselves more seriously than men do


You want me to see you to the door kind of lyrical he thought I can see the door


Please?

Okay okay

in some heyday in LAhe wasnt paying attention evidently she was someone noticeable

he stood up he still had to look up into her eyes he was six foot
                                                                     had he been attracted to her or she was fifteen years younger he might have said Damn Youre a tall drink of water

he went to the door opened it for her let her pass first and followed her outshe didnt have to draw him a picture

outside the door snugged shut behind him she turned on her heels He’s angry with her.

Angry

Yes. You can see it, can’t you?

No

You don’t see he’s angry?

No I dont see thatches angry Why would he be angry at her

Because . . she’s going to die.


he had a hard time following herpeople like her who must forget themselves who have to forget who he is that theyre talking to a sisterinlaw badmouths his wife to him a brotherinlaw badmouths his wife to him friends of a good friend badmouth his friend to him her she who she was talking about to him  was his daughter  he was his soninlaw 
Jesusfuckin H Christ Whas the fuckin disconnect Must be that fuckin priest collar wrapped around his throat that only they can see seein him as a kind of confessor

she was his daughters reiki mentor


he tried to let the silence drag between them like a fuckin stone in hopes that she might gather her wits and remember who he was

it didnt usually work

it didnt usually dawn on them of the intimacy he shared with the people they maligned



She’s going to die.

didnt take the silent bait

he may have to start braining these people


Eventually yes shell die Eventually well all die  she began rolling up on him asif she was confiding  But youre referring to her imminent demise

she rolled back on her heels stared into his eyes

maybe she thought hed flinch blink avert his eyes she had his laser attention she didnt know himshe knew of him she wouldnt know he had the temerity of a junkyard dog  who had no qualms biting


You should talk to him, prepare him. You know, from what you were through before.

Through before he thought  through before  the vaguery it twists him why people who believe they are in possession of facts or innuendos  choose to be ambiguous  pussyfoot around skirt the issue rather than just saying directly what they mean


he let her hang on her  before



she referred first to his daughters ailing his soninlaws anger then she contends he knows because of his wifes death

        before


words in placepronouns in place of peoples names

present

deceased

alive

dead

without breaking looks he said Hell find his own way Hes not angry hes concerned hes frustrated and frankly as her mentor with your extensive training I would imagineyour submersion in the culture you should rather be concerning yourself with Anniels ailing her transition invigorating her overwhelming her with your abilities and energies

Or I can be wrong


they held their eyeball clench a moment or two longer then she said You’re mistaken.

To which aspect are you referring

I have to go.

Thank you for stopping  It means the world to Anniel


0049,  Monday,  30  12. 19
0949,  Sunday,  17  5. 20
Missing Persons  Noticeable One  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ey010CMVQc 




he held her  Comon baby  you know youre my squaw

she tensedtried to pull away from himout of his arms

looking in her eyes they twitched asif she wanted to punch him in the mouth
                                                                                 How dare you!
he smiled

Don’t smile at me. 

he continued smiling 
                       What do you understand squaw to mean Youre offended You shouldnt be . . 
. . Oh, really, I should call you my nigger?

Whoa you dont understand

What’s to understand?

he loosened his grip and she burst away from himstood on the balls of her feet like a boxer threefour feet away I want an apology.

I think youd prefer an explanation Prefer I correctyoull excuse me your ignorance

Shit. Are you kidding me? You’re not talking as who I know you to be . . 
. . An who is that

You’re kind.  You relate, you’re compassionate, empathetic . . or I thought you were.

You know me 

You can call me a squaw, and I know you?

You do Squaw is a Mohawk word Spelled o-t-s-i-s-k-w-a-h Pronounced oh -- gee – squaw You can see how the word squaw was extrapolated picked up by white men white people  

Ohgeesquaw means its slippery it describes a womans vagina Ohgeesquaw describes the clear abundant thready mucus the cervix produces when a woman is fertile 

Im not a gynecologist rather a hobby gynecologistas yaknow Though I could probably play one on television


she had crossed her arms when she broke away from him

they fell to her sides

Ohgeesquaw.

Yes People have a habit of trying to shortenabbreviate everything  I could have said TV rather than television but I prefer television why I detest . . 
. . Acronyms.

Yes You know me I wouldnt insult you Unless I meant it 


Come here 
            he held his arms out to her she stepped inside them held him he held her
              Squaw

in a muffled voiceher face pressed to his chest Ohgeesquaw.   


0049,  Monday,  30  12. 19
1249,  Saturday,  16  5. 20



Its like changing channels

I don’t know how you do it. Excuse me. she took the book from his hands The Clan of the Cave Bear Yesterday you were reading Nin’s Incest, the day before Galeano’s Open Veins of Latin America.

Yes Look at you Im impressed with your memory

Don’t be, you read books I’ve never heard of, it’s easy for the author and the titles to stick; an so I don't forget them I text them to myself as I walk after we part.

she was a neighbour he ran into during his morning walk reading  

Clever

Not so much as intrigued.

Well Im happy my selections intrigue you


Truth be known, you intrigue me. But that’s between you and I and not my husband.

he laughed
             Safe with me

And I have no doubt. You strike me as terribly honest.

My ethics My girls tell me Im brutally honest . . and that I shouldnt be They call me unsparing I remind them that I didnt spare them and theyre just fine and dandy



now he was reading Reinventing the Enemy’s Language
                                                            juggling the four books and curious what would attract his fancy next  five books
changing channels

he had no anticipationno planno concerted route

idling  dawdling  takingenjoying his time
                                             oiled with black coffee he wished a whiskey nibbling the fifth of eight apple slices smelling the ruptured orange and tangerine skins his mate laid beside his fruit on the cobaltblue oblong platter glazed to look like a night sky washed with paleyellow moonlight
it was a favourite

a friend had thrown it on her wheel the platter and a couple smaller plates an endearing joke making fun of his penchant for odd the queer the irrational

she was killed the rest of the smaller plates smashed when a tree outside her studio went over during a violent freak storm a rare tornado occurring beside the ocean in Ventura

things werent what he and she grew up with as kids


trying to console himself it occurred to him that she was a victim collateral damage  the Earth is striking back in the only language human beings seem to understand violence

there was going to be more violent storms and floods and tornadoes and hurricanes earthquakes cataclysmic tectonic shifts volcanoes tsunamis vulgar viruses  all sorts of violence and death to remindif forgotten that human beings are puny they are as insignificant as they see insects to be the rodents they fumigate poison and trap

Earth as unsparingly was reminding humans  Welcome back to the foodchain


0830,  Sunday,  29  12. 19
1111,  Saturday,  16  5. 20
Gail Tremblay  Mi’kmaq and Onondaga Indian  Light dances in the body, surrounds all living things -- even the stones sing . .