he didnt often feel lost cast adrift
rudderless
not often
more often he overheard others admit they were
lost even some remarking of a dire sense
of hopelessness
which were shocks to his senses
for even during his brittle
fragile moments
he did not share his despair
his anguish
they were terribly private
moments
they would abate
there wasnt anything wrong in
feeling them
however he wouldnt allow them to
stake an enduring claim to his psyche
he took them at face value
he let them be
then he let them loose
he was purged until the next random assault
that evening he struggledhe was
beset
he had good reason
his daughter had gotten up from
sitting with him on the livingroom couch to greet her husband home from work
he loved witnessing their joytheir
love and affection
it reminded him of he and his
wife
his wife was now dead approaching eighteen years he moved out of his parents home at eighteen the comparative reality was shocking
they embraced warmly
upstairs he heard the commotion
DAD! then their two daughters converged
in the hall over their heads and racedWALK! raced down the stairsWALK! into the
foyer to greet their father and get their kissestheir bearhugs
the women in his life hanging on him and he
bearing upholding their love tighttightly
asif at once they were supple and fragile
they were the loves of his life
he knew his son-in-laws feelings
he also had a wife and two
daughters
watching them in their clinch was
like watching from without a replay of his life when his girls were young
it was delicious
the girls untwined from the
fathers kisses and embrace and went to race back upstairs to play
againWALK! Yes, Daddy.
they walked hurriedly up the stairs and when they were out of sight they
racedfeet pounding above their heads to their shared bedroom
he shared smileschuckles between his daughter
and son-in-law
they entered the kitchen their
arms around each other and disappeared from his view through the pass-through
he could hear the murmur of the
voicestheir catching up on the day her
news his news it was yet summer and the girls
were home all day the following week
theyd return to school fresh fourth and first graders
and they were excited perhaps
only as exceptional students are excited
he was never excited about school
school had been a challenge
he earned the Ds he got in high school Geometry
Physics he was at a loss in them
a different kind of lost than he
felt now
almost drowsy
he
drifted off in a hazy lackluster mesmerisation
he didnt realise he had
he was overwhelmed
whelming is trying is exhausting seemingly to cellular level his blood tumbled in his veins his heart thumped he could feel the sharp white sparks at his
neuron synapses but their whitelight threw only shadows they illuminated nothing
HEY!
that roused himthat terminated
his blind stare not that he knew he was his daughters HEY! revived him
he turned his head to the cut-outthe
pass-through Yes his eyes regained focus
I’ve got my eyes on you. emphasising
ither fingers forked up to her eyes then rotating them as a serpent would turn its
head pointing them at his eyes I got my eyes
on you, Dad.
she
smiled beautifully her dimples dotting
her cheeks her light lighting the room
letting him see everything clearly
Thank you love Likewise I got my eyes on you
twentyhours-ish, Twosday,
20 8. 19
1151, Friday,
23 8. 19
The Police Every Breath You Take https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orGKsBYObtw
