9.6.20

in Memorium $114K


Horseshit

Not horseshit. It’s legit. It’s an accepted term, psychologically-speaking.

You mean by the same people who gave us DSM volumes One through Five mental disorders  homosexuality was a disorder and correctablethey could be re-educated  a finding which allowed LGBTQ individuals to twist on a hookremain closeted assaulted  diminished Why those fucks didnt try to cure heterosexuality before marriage is a mysteryhuh


Point taken.


I got nothing People are people Dont try to hurt me or mine and I promise I wont hurt you badlyI might still hurt you though



Hear me out?

Knock yourself out


Okay. Apathetic people, sociopaths, psychopaths . . 
. . Fuck  Yareally wanna give those fucks an excuse

You said youd hear me out.

Apologise Ill try real hard to be quiet


Thank you. They’re – I won’t repeat myself – he definitely thought he was tempting him
                                                they’re relationally-incapacitated  an ego that plays the role of the ego without fulfilling the synthesizing function – it, that ego, favors the emergence of a tendency to avoid relationship and introjection . . favors the emergence of ego-inflation characteristic of the aggressively egocentric psychopath.


Well?

Sounds criminal Sounds potato potato tomato tomato Lets call the whole thing off


You’re not intrigued?

Fascinated  Bottomline  Dont hurt me or mine I wont hurt you badly

Action Not words

Act badly

Ill hurt you badly

Pretty  fuckin  simple  

Wont get caught up in the weeds with ya

Sunday,  23  12. 18
1721,  Twosday, 9  6. 20



he took the bus into the city

it was night

everyone aboard looked ill coloured by the ugly yellowishgreen light that flickered inside 

it was a light meant to be nightlight like in a lavatory meant to light the inside of the bus it wasnt there to read by  

he complained to company that if the lighting aboard was better and people could read their newspapers and magazines or books ridership might increase

the company told him nobody reads It’s transportation.

I read he said into the telephone

Good for you, chum. If you prefer, you can walk too.

Whats your name please

Joe Blow. and he hung up


he worked his way to the back of the bus once he boarded

the driver didnt wait

the door closed with a bitchy pneumatic soundan abrupt CLANK and the driver rolled

he didnt mind the game

the driver didnt know he rode buses and trains most of his youth and spent a couple months every year later at sea aint a damn thing the chucklehead could throw at him that would rock him off his feet unless he slammed on the brakes

he enjoyed the passage to the rear of the bus
                                                the characters the faces the personalities the no-personalities  those who kept their heads downnot wanting to meet his eyes or those who watchedwho sized him upwho played with notions of shaking him down though the last time anyone tried to shake him down was a bald pate a longbraided ponytail erupting out the top of his skull orangerobed Hare Krishna maggot
                                                                      they got so thick in the city for a couple of summers while he attended City College that he got their chant down pat

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hare Hare.
Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Rama.
                                                       he hadnt a fuckin clue what it meant

baldysour with a braid thrust a cup in his face Please, donate what you can, whatever you can, even a penny isn’t too small, although it might speak to the smallness of your heart and soul.

I dont think thats a legit part to your pitch buddy  Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Tellya what if yamove it along yacan keep your ponytail I got a collection Im from a long line of Indian fighters even if you dont look Indian But with just your hair nobody cares what you looked like Even blue-eyed like you
Ya cats are nonviolent

Im not


a young woman raised her eyes to his approach as he leanedturned his hipscounterbalanced the corner the driver took 

Mind if I sit beside you he asked

Please. Help yourself.

he sat Thank you

she smiled

You’re welcome.

he smiled

Evenin My names Joe

Joe. Hello. My name’s Florence.

Florence My pleasure Im sure 

which elicited another broad smile that amused him 

You’re sure?

Im sureno doubt

What makes you so sure?

Your eyes Your composuresure   Like that

Are you clever?

Maybe not so clever as I enjoy playing with words Or perhaps you incite me to try to be clever Florence


they got along famously


he saw his stop was approaching Stop after next is me Would you mind if I asked for your number or address

she smiled a bittersweet smile No. Unfortunately not.

I cant see you again

No. I’m sorry.

they hit it off she reciprocated  Well Im disappointed he said I wont ask why


Do you want to ask why?

I dont ask why I respect your decision your reasons No is good with me

Thank you.

Youre welcome

Yes. Thank you very much. I’ve really enjoyed our thirtyforty minutes.

Florence he held his hand out to her

she grasped it quicklyheld it to her breastdropped her eyes


she lifted her eyes again when the bus driver called out his stop she released his hand

her eyes were wet

I’m not of age, Joe. I live with my parents.

Well Florence Youre parents are doing a fine job raising you he stood Im sure theyre very proud of you I thoroughly enjoyed talking with youenjoyed our time together too

Be well be happy Florence

the bus stopped the doors parted entering the bus

You too, Joe.

Yabetcha

he took the few steps up the aisle and disembarked

he watched her watch him through the window

as the bus slowly pulled away she was obscured then he glimpsed hershe had stood in the aisle worked her way to the rear window

he could see her plainly

she raised her hand a static goodbye

he raised his and held it up until the bus went around the corner out of sight


it was an illuminating gap of time

Florences faceher penetrating green eyes fixed in his memory the turn of her smile its left corner higher than its right the directness of her eyes her brisk honesty

he turned away from the streetaway from her her brilliance yet pervading him 

he walked a block to the amusement park beside the river he walked into the spasmodicpulsing and glitter of carnival lights their sinuous intoxication the strung lightbulbs quivered on the nights breath he listened to the undaunted squeals and laughter their bright happinessslick against entreatiesbright bubbles blown high into the sky from wideopen throats tearblinded eyes unfettered joy

he paid a clown sitting inside the barred Admissions booth 

the clown was a she and she pinned colouredpaper flowers to the lapel of his leatherfringed jacket
                                                                                                        which made him smile bemused him 

thanking her and walking away he rubbed his neckhis fingers working behind the collar under his long hair

the coolness off the river bled through the rents his fingers made in his hair

then he dropped his hand shook his head and the rents in his hair filled like hastilydrawn curtains

the amusement lights were brilliant like blazing forges 

walking up the sawdust concourse he could almost feel their electrical buzzingtheir warmth on top his head on his bearded cheeks

the games and rides didnt beckon him
                                         it was the blackness at the rear of the parkthe blackness that wove itself between the lighted gay amusement and the wide river

he stepped over a rope confinement onto dirt and then onto grass that was beaded with condensationsparking shallowly with reflected coloured light night tears which were memories of the hot day

in the distance he could make out the sparse black curtainthe jagged treeline that stood at the riverbank

the amusement park hadnt always been there
                                                 he had rode in a wagon to this place as a boy when it was a farm and the farmer rented horses and they rode the horses to the river where they caught crayfish and used them as bait to catch bass and perch and catfish 
                                    the stand of trees along the river were thicker then

riding back in late in summer they picked corn from the field and stuffed the ears inside their shirts

they paid the farmer and placed the fish and corn in the wagon and rode back to where they were picked up and walked the rest of the way home


the amusement sounds weakenedwere baffled by the pitched black of nightabsorbed by the old fields breath


at the rivers edge he took off his boots rolled up his pants and sat on a grassy cutbank and dangled his feet in the water


occasionally a fish jumped and flopped 

he listened to the birds muse in their roosts

when his eyes grew accustom to the dark he could catch the suddenthe acrobatic bats work above the water and the field


as a boy he wasnt brave enough to stay the night
                                                            monsters

by the time he was a young man hed met monsters
                                                       he found they had nothing on him




Too bad Florence wasnt older

1325,  Twosday,  7  1. 20
1151,  Twosday,  9  6. 20



he looked around

it was disconcerting

he wondered if he looked to them as they looked to him asif he was in a bubble too surrounded by an aura
                                                                                                                   an aura brighter than the purpling evening like lights glowing from inside a house its insides revealed to those outside it
weirdly voyeuristic but ya cant help yaself and not looknot see  inside


it played like that to the redsalmon pink dawn



the auras spoiled his sleep

he wanted to see

he fingered the blackjack in his coat pocketwatched his breath spread in the cool air

he thought theyd fold before dawn

he fingered the brass knuckles in his other pocket the switchblade beside it 

with the rising sun the auras disassembled frayed peeled feathers from a fowl being plucked dissipated  disappeared

he fingered the knife intimately  illegal length

he never had to use it

he only pulled it once to frighten away three black boys who chased him probably for fun their fun

he went around a street corner heeled and spun pulled the knife

they came around the corner SHIT chorused

Who wants steel boys

they spun ran disappeared around the corner

turning he closed the knife and fled down the sidewalk


he did use the sap and knuckles in fights  though only to help equalise numbers that he lacked



looking down towards the waterfronthad he paid any attention he would have seen staggered torches they dimmed now to pale halfmoons
                           what were they about

he walked down towards them

at the base of odd placedrandomly placed torches were naked stained skulls and scattered to their sidesclutched in withered molting clothing were skeletons  jerked flesh

weeping willows in front yards beyond them looked like etched distended jellyfish

occasionally some of the torches sputteredflickered new flames fumed black smoke but they were shortlived they moaned as they utterly expired

the skulls didnt look at each otherthey didnt look in the same direction either some sat on their determined jaws some on their sides a couplethree balanced on their tops

better than two dozens torches helter skelter leading down to the waterfront

they didnt lead him to it he turned back in the direction he came

he needed some sleephe needed not to be seen near the torches and that under them


he thought the auras had been weird enough



walking away he listened to the leather of his soles chaff on rotten concretehis hard rubber heels thump like some remote longlost heartbeat

late November 2019
1244,  Monday,  8  6. 20