turned off the music

he was sober

the year was ending

                       the next year was going to be like those   2020  an after

on his heels  a relentless bloodhound trying to tree him

Fuck tha dog

tomorrow was New Years Eve

123123

          a friend texted him

he was usually on numbers like a blowfly on raw meat

he texted his thanks complemented them on beating him to the punch but to be honest  he was horribly honest

honest to a fault

   honest

             unsparingly unsympathetically  brutally    honest

he couldnt point that at someone unless he could pointed it at himself

                                                                           and he did

pressed the barrel upward under the crook of his chin aimed out the top of his skull like a tortured  tormented   suicide

  12 31 23

              The End

Beginning Again 

1621,  Reggaefriday,  29  12. 23

2320,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

Listen  do not watch  Beatles  Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/In the End  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYHPH2LEKiI

he looked the stainedglass windowslooked around the church

                                                                upandown the pew cross the naveacross the transept

watched intently as the priest mounted the altar

saw him over the ambo

altarboy to each side

she tapped him on the thigh

                                  What are you doing?

Im looking

 

she understood he didnt Believe

   but she knew he would listentake in the sermon

he was an exceptional listener

                                seemed always to hear moreunderstand at a deeper level than her  or perhapsas hed say  . . . in the moment it escaped her

                                            no  she knew it didnt

Tempest Shakespeare  What’s past is prologue.

he shared with her

                      Im steeped babe

which was accurate

occasionally during Mass she glanced at him

poker face

                hed tell her what he thought as they drove back to her place

Seatbelt?

You know I don wearem

   For me?

Not even for you baby

she wasnt pleased but theyd only be on neighbourhood streets

So . . you were very attentive.

                                    What did you think?

I very much liked the priests message  Hes a good speaker

And the face.  What was with the face?

he noddedsmiled  Youre observan . .

. . I was on tenterhooks, I knew you wouldn’t saydisrupt anything.   What bothered you?

Bothered  Yes

                 It was only a bother  I want you to understand tha

she said with mite trepidation

                                   What bothered you?

Its church

Yes.

I really did enjoy the priests sermon

You said.

             What was it you didn't like?

The parishioners  At least those I saw listened to

Didn’t like?

No

      During prayers

The prayers?

   Yes 

          I was disturbed because their tone  their tone struck me  as insincere    Rather  Rote   Passionless

If there was a God Im not keen Hed been keen listening to their faith disposed  I apologise   Rote

Sounded like memorisation

                             Flashcards  Addition subtraction   Multiplication 

I felt the priests words were uplifting but they   werent following

Not you

          I adored your recitation    Your faith

she smiled warmly

                     

I adore your faith in me  despite ours are dissimilar

   a tear fell to her cheek she didnt brush it away 

                                                       in a clear voice While I disagree with you you havent a soul. Your spirit is strong tangible.

                            Tangible.

Stop stop woudya

                       Ya just wanna get in my pants when we get to your place

1959,  Thursday,  28  12. 23

2010,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

   fantasy   fantasising    healthy

                                        he exercised his fair share  probably more than other common Joes Toms Dicks & Harrys hed leave it to the womenfolk to name theirs

however

          fantasy has to be recognised for what it is  tempered  life cannot be just deluding ones self

                                                                                                           referring to the spiritual philosophical psychological self 

not one abundant in readycash  billionaire  who may be able to afford fantasy  pay through the nose for it  because anyone party to a billionaires fantasy ought to understand their leverage  play it to the hilt

                                                                                                there are various depths to actually achieving particular hiltsCAUTION  donae kill the animal

                                                                      just bleed it

thinkleech  thinkvampiric though not create a vampire as understood through fiction

fantasy accompanies him to bed

the menu replete

                   pages he hasnt turned

Table of Content

Index

No

      the fun would be spoiled

theres a game he played anwoud encourage anyone to enjoy

                                                                 Burroughs of Junkie fame turned him onto it  Bill in turn explained he was informed by painter/writer/poet/mystic 1959 Brion Gysin cites ’59 as it is a hot branding iron  coud have been tha he didnt discover ithadnt placed the layers of newspaper as a mat to protect a tabletop from being scratched while he cut paper with a razor blade

                             dumb luck? 

   his game  randomly open a book  drop an eye in  extract wordsportions of a sentencegobble a whole sentence  close the book  repeat  until the song is complete

HERE

         Sartres Being and Nothingness

“the totality of persons

“would be projected outside me

“I am passive

“to be for and through himself

“Having, Doing, Being

“do not actually deserve

“full consciousness, all its

“humiliat(ion)

“he is nothing more

“the problem of the Absolute."

   take tha bitch to bed hed bet shed kill him with sex

fantasy                

0100,  day-between-2-Ts,  27  12. 23

1319,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

https://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88v/burroughs-cutup.html

https://www.thewhitereview.org/feature/the-idea-machine-brion-gysin/#:~:text=He%20was%20introduced%20into%20Surrealist,at%20the%20infamous%20Beat%20Hotel.

don underestimate the power of a hot bath

                                             theyve taught him more than he can say

just last night

hanging up a piece to let the wrinkles fall outdamn thing bunchedup like a balla wad of clothing for too long

                                                                                                                 crazy since it was written longhand on a sheet of flat coloured paper  maybe the coloured paperpretty

                                                                                                     he did have to write in black ink also not usually in his wheelhouse

it was crinkled prettybad

                           no telling what he couldnt see or missed in the fissures For Sure   Shaddup   I can say   I can break your jaw   Sheesh wha bug crawled up your ass   A bug tha hopefully I can soak out in a hot bath   Hot Bath   Oh  enthused by the prospect   I am I am Ill shaddup   Thank you   Thall help ya think muse   It will so . .

Ill shaddup

he upped the ante

1 2 3 4 5 6drips of lavender oil no more no less perfect ambiance or perfect to him  like a recipe provided  their ingredients but not their measure

imagined the call

                   Really Maw

Really Maw, what?

Got your recipes

Yes.

Thank you

Yes. You’re welcome.

Ingredients but not how much

It looks like the right amount or tastes like it. Our tastes vary, who am I to say what you’d like best. You’re a smart, boy.

Yacoud have provided yardsticks an I coudve taken it from there

Son.

       What fun would that be?

conversant doppelgänger or Mariachi or Maw

                                                  by baths end

the wrinkles had fallen away

AH

      I see now

    

1010,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

Bruce Cockburn  Trickle Down  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1TA0i-AHTY