What did
you do ?
nineteen years hes been running
that line through his head
odd times to be sure out of the Blue times
out of Black and Blue times
the nineteen years hes struggled with its
inflection
when he said it
he run its manipulation over
and over time and time again
four wordsfour gawddamn syllables
when he confronted her he said
whadjado
smashed
disfigured them
into one irritated
abrupt accusing snarl
he was brushing his teeth and
over the running water he heard something from the livingroom down the hall
not anything he could
identify nothing explicit
he knew she was out there by herself
it was a rain day and thered be
no work no pay but sometimes no work out of nowhere is a
fine respite
that irritated her
the
prospect of a day with him
irritated
her
he tried to keep moving low profile
not to irritate her
but
sometimes you just want to rest
he was making all the bills
if he wanted to put his feet
up
the
fuck
on
occasion he was entitled
he had a hot shower
he
intended to have a bowl of oatmeal
make coffee have a bowl of oatmeal
read
something
just fuckin relax
but something came down the hall
out
of the livingroom
something she did
they were the only people there
What did
you do ?
maybe it would have played out
differently if he had said that exactly
that
enunciated it
but
he didnt think so
he
retained guilty feelings for when HE did something wrong
which he rarely did
the wrong he did he usually pondered
he
understood its ramifications and accountability before he did it Wrong
Wrong is a matter of perspective
and when he couldnt tolerate
something
Then
he got Wrong
he preferred his wrong to
culminate in a fist fight
but
nobody wanted a one-on-one
they wanted assurances
they
wanted others
and if not others to their side then knives or clubs
and if not others to their side then knives or clubs
some motherfuckers wanted guns
Hed . . come a long way baby
nobody wanted to knock anybody out
anymore
they wanted dead
they didnt want to have to look over
their shoulders
fuck that head on a swivel was a way of life
not
safe
but everybody wanted to be safe
and anybody who told them they could
were Something in their book
and that Anybody he knew
was a fuckin liar
Safe is risk
no risk is bullshit
he was getting afield of where he
wanted to be
he was just a fuckin guy beating
nails in with a thirty-two ounce framing hammer
tact was a waste of Time
working with mooks and eidgets didnt
inspire tact
fuckin
guys
how
they remembered to zip their flies was beyond him
and he was supposed to get a job
done with Hands who couldnt find their cocks unless they got
a hard-on
Christ
he had his hand field-stitched to close a wound at a remote site
he had his hand field-stitched to close a wound at a remote site
he had no use of tact
he had only necessity
and necessity transferred into his home
life
What did
you do ?
she said she didnt do anything
he took her at her word
he thought she was lying to him
its anybodys right to lie
anybodys right to their life
he wouldnt deny that
he recognised then
the disparity between them
disparity
stuck together by Love
she lied
and
nineteen years later
her lie still bothered him
bothered him to his fuckin bones
it wasnt his lie
only his inflection
and out of the Black and Blue
his
inflection haunted him
1424, Monday,
20 4. 15
