2.9.20


the paperbacks were exactly the same size

one was published by Warner Books a Time-Warner Company The Mysterious Press James Ellroys The Black Dahlia 325 pages

the other A Plume Book published by the Penguin Group Toni Morrisons Paradise 318 pages

seems they were printed to a standard applied to the paperback industry


their content was similar

while one was common
                          the other poetic elegant  elegiac

they were equally brutal

they reminded him that no matter how you dressed a whore she was still a whore


if there was the hole in his logic it was simple

hed never meet a whore

not a street corner hooker 

not in an alleyway or in a backseat
                                     Suck your cock for five dollars, mister.
cocksucking was foreplay 
                            it wasnt the game
would he have to pay more to have her put her finger up his ass while she sucked his cock

did ya tip


he hadnt ever paid for sex

he could masturbate



queer that the paperbacks were the same at first blush

but spreading their pages
                            like whoreshe assumed
                                                      they were different

2131,  Twosday,  3  3. 20
1508,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  9. 20



“The more authentic you are, the more authentic you can be with others. It has to come from an intention not to manipulate.”
               photographer Lynn Johnson 


he found her quote in an article called The Power of Voice in National Geographic its editors note explained that photography is not unlike meditation the intimacy captured can come only from a relationship ground in trust



he yearned for authenticity 
                              either one has it or they dont



Boy, if you ain’t the real McCoy.
                                  Mr Clarke said

Mr Clarke confused him the only McCoy he knew was The Real McCoys on television he didnt follow Mr Clarkes meaning what was there about him that reminded Mr Clarke of the television program he wasnt a hickhe didnt call California Californy

he smiled at Mr Clarke
                        Thank you sir thank you very much

No. Mr Clarke took a knee before him he was sixfooteight on his knee he was still taller than him No, Joe, thank you. You’re quite a boy.



Mr Clarke was to undergo a surgery

Mrs Clarke was quite agitated one would have to be blind to miss how the talk worked in her face that she was holding back her tears bright blue eyes made brighter by the sheen of uncried tears cornflower blue eyes girlish eyes
Mr Clarke would chuck her under the chin and call her his little girl

Joe asked her what he could do to helphe wanted badly to help

Mrs Clarke knew Joes dad knew that he was always clamouring through the neighbourhood trying to encourage people to donate blood he was a donor

Joe, if your father would, he could donate blood in Mr. Clarke’s name. The doctor said Mr. Clarke will need a lot of blood. she caught her tears againstymied them  but he saw
That would help a lot, Joe.


at dinner that evening conversation circling the kitchen table what everyones day was like he mentioned Mr Clarkes coming surgery and what Mrs Clarke had asked . . An I want to donate too Dad.

Son, I don’t know if the hospital will allow you to donate, you might be too young.

Somethings wrong with my blood

No. There’s nothing wrong with your blood. There’s professional ethics, and because you’re nine you may not understand what it is you’re doing.

Im donating blood for a very good friend who needs it An your my father an youll tell them to draw my blood because it is okay with you Youll make them listen an youll make them take my blood
                                                                                Dammit
his brothers and sisters went bugeyed because he swore


It may be out of my hands, son.

I wont accept that Dad I want to give my blood to Mr Clarke an I can if you say it is okay with you 

You donate I should be able to donate

he was an adamant little cuss



he and his father donated at the hospital 

they also reached out to the neighbourhood
                                              Joe knew damn well that because he donated he could leverage shame others to donate 

they did
         fiftyfour units were available to Mr Clarke for his surgery

1127,  Thursday,  5  3. 20
1237,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  9. 20
Harry Belafonte  John Henry Song  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydTRk1l0ZqI


Death – if one is dying fortunately (186,000 have died in America and the majority have died alone robbed of comfort robbed of the care and the embrace of their loved ones robbed of saying one last time I love you when it will have to suffice for the thousands more they thought they were going to be able to share Trillions of unsaid unheard I love yous vanquished negated) – Death creates captive audiences

driving to his daughters home in Southern California windows down blue air whipping through the car his hair no radio nothing to balk or interrupt his thoughts he sang repeatedly over and over I’m working my way back to you, babe  the Four Seasons over and over  he might have sang for two hours tears streaming out of his eyes
                                                                                                     and as he sang
it occurred to him that she might be thinking along the same lines except she was working her way out of a horrible debilitating illness  working her way to a new existence that she knew existed 

what was binding herkeeping her from her new life was her failing bodyher failing mortality

she wrote him that she was becoming very anxious

she wrote she was upset that she was leaving him her sister her husband and two children
                                                                                                 but her time here was at an end she had done what she was meant to do

he did not doubt her earnest her intelligence
                                                she had been one of the wisest most caring people he had ever known

he took no credit

she took after her mother

he was grateful his wife was dead

he was sure their daughters death would have killed her

1514,  Saturday,  22  2. 20
1937,  Twosday,  1  9. 20
Four Seasons  Working my Way Back to You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj0BnpvM5cQ
George Michael  I’m Never Gonna Dance Again  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7x9UUMmuTw