22.1.21

 
to wander near an opened dictionary on a stand in a library was like a set trap he its unsuspecting prey 
                                                                                                            he couldnt resist

among the manymany things he had trouble resisting the widespread dictionary was like a woman who beckoned him 
anhe couldnt wait to get his nose down inbetween its pages 


he entered it looking for agon which he read in Lawrence Durrells The Black Book

first he found anile 
                     1. of or like an old woman 
                     2.  senile
( Latin anilis, from anus, he imagined hed sidestep anilis spewed from an anus  old woman )  anwhy was old woman was derived from anus 
            he didnt know that anwhen he learned things such as that he look madly around for anyone to tell there were only librarians old librarians anuses not like he could stroll overinterrupt them yawanna bet Excuse me Yawanna hear wha I just learned from the dictionary theyd lookup over their glasses at him humour him its not wise to humour him  Yare an anus
                 nah he didnt do thatwanted to do that  but he didnt   but he wanted to


returning to the dictionary his eye fell on anilingus  n. oral stimulation of the anus for sexual excitement hed definitely take the bubblegum out of his mouth for that either for not wanting to lose it or to stop himself from blowing big pink bubbles ( New Latin: Latin anus (a grapheme over the a  making it a long a) + Latin lingere, to lick; see leigh – in the Appendix ) OHMY have to go to the Appendix getting in the weeds no idea what he might find there he held his breath and dove like a high dive into water he hadnt plumbed to know if it was deep enough hed know soon enough could be thats a rushthats like walking on thin ice and listening to gentle fractures listening to its gibberish and cackles hoping the ice would forgive him  his trespass

BINGO  made it   leigh --   important derivatives are lick + lecher

leigh --  to lick 1. electuary (a medicinal substance mixed with honey or another sweet substance), .  just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” thanks Mary lichen, from Greek leikhein, to lick … B. lecher, from Old French, lecher, to live in debauchery DAMN no address (from Germanic * likkon grapheme over the o  a long o 3. nasalized zero-grade form * li-n-gh anilingus, cunnilingus from Latin, lingere, to lick)
                                                      went round in a circle   whagoes round cums round

 

back on track Durrells tapping his foot waiting on him  agon 
                                                                   agon --  1. a conflict
3. a test of will ( Greek, agon grapheme over the o  a long o SEE AGONY )

      agony

            1.  suffering intense physical or mental pain

            2.  the struggle that precedes death

            3.  a violent of intense struggle 
                                                   Durrell wrote in Black Books preface  the book is only a savage charcoal sketch of spiritual and sexual etiolation FUCK Durrell  whadahells etiolation 


nose back between those heady musty pages

etiolation 
           2.b. to make weak by stunting growth or development estrus or oestrus state of sexual arousal, excitement in female mammals, excluding humans  in heat  he knew heat  he knew more than a few women who went into heatwho said as much  Sometimes I just need a good fuck. somewhere overhead angelas fingering themselves beat their wings while accompanying angels beat their meat    

that threw him for a loop or mebbe he had too much slack in the Bunnings bondage rope he used heat  why would the definition exclude human females 
                  an earthlings an earthling and speaking of estrus or oestrus  esurience  n. hungry, greedy 

the anuses eyeballed him  he was tapping the dictionary stand with his cock Whacha lookin at  Im reading here
LOOK at this demisemiquaver  a demisemiquaver is a 32nd musical note  he tried like hell to hit them on his saxophone  he wasnt agile enough 
                         but he digresses
     not really 
                 demimonde 1. a. a class of women kept by wealthy lovers or protectors (he had one of those but that was a story for another time  she was a hoot)

                             1. b.  women prostitutes considered as a group 
a demimondaine a woman belonging to the demimonde 
                                                           fucking lyrical mebbe in his next life he would return a woman and tear it up as he was tearing it up now

probably would be frowned upon 
                                   mebbe not if he was a hot wealthy woman 


going down the rabbithole
 
                            demisemiquaver 

amusia the inability to recognise musical tones or reproduce them otherwise tone deafness

aphasia partial or total loss of the ability to articulate ideas or comprehend spoken or written language

agraphia a disorder marked by the loss of the ability to write

Almost there

alexia loss of the ability to read  he dated an Alexia briefly she was beautifulbut dumb

aboulia loss or impairment of the ability to make decisions or act independently 
                                                                                    never his trouble
Oh shitAWW that thrust against the stand did it 
he ejaculated 
messed his pants
better beat it before the anuses fall on himcatch a whiff of his funk 
no telling wha the library fine was for masturbating
at least he was in the adult section
                                       hur
0101,  Sunday,  15  8. 93
1231,  Thursday,  21  1. 21

21.1.21

 
he always thought hed have that 
                                   thought hed grow old with his wife enjoy grandchildrennot many only their eldest was prone to the idea of having kids their youngest had no interest in birthing 
                                                                                   Ain't nothing that large passing through a hole that small without real pain and lingering discomfort. Knock yourself out, sis.
she wasnt ten when she spoke those words

he wasthey were proud of their girls 
                                      even as little girls they spun at a higher attitude orbits  few could pull the wool over their eyes 

he was the eldest of nine childrenhe helped raised little ones before leaving home  not one of them could hope to fly higher than a kite caught in a tree top 
                                       thats not true a baby sister a real lulu had gumption had balls she didnt like it when she could understand when he told her she had balls                                                                                                                               Save it honey I can see it in your face Youve heard me say so Someone tries to get up on youyour face sets they back off if theyre smart Yadon say it Your face speaks for you  Suck my cock. 
               Anif your face tells someone to suck your cock why should you bother being upset with me sayin you got balls Mens genitalia is not handsome Anya aptly swing it over your head like Davids sling looking to bring down Goliaths of either sex who mess with ya 
                                          Take it If I have girls Id want them to be like you in every way possible Just a bit smarter 
            There you golook at that face Yes suck your cock I hear yahear ya loud an clear 


an old man and woman were trimming a tree in their front yard  wind was blowing something fierce  they may have hoped it was the front edge of an approaching rainstorm

walking past he teased them how smart they were  putting the pole saw up on a limb and letting the wind do the work
they hahaed together

Have a fine afternoon he said as he continued walking down the street 


reaching the street cornernot forty metres off he kept thinking of them together helping each other thought to himself that he imagined he and his wife as an old couple his parents were eightynine eightyseven 
                                                                                             the beauty of a fiftyyear togetherness given when they married at eightynine and eightyseven theyd have sixtyseven years of togetherness  


his heart ached

wasnt meant to be             

probably 2ish,  Twosday,  19  1. 21
1550,  Twosday,  19  11. 21 
Beatles  When I’m 64   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7TANPFMf1k 

 

 

he felt like crying all the time 
                                hed lost his wife  he lost his sister daughter and mother within a year and a halfhis daughter and mother in two weeks  

he had good reason to cry 
                            the most powerful women of his tribe were dead and only two remained who could possibly be confidantes  who he could bounce things off

since realising Trump virus was overwhelming the countryspread by selfish inaction he had few distractions to pursue that could quiet the pain in his heart

he was by himself

he was embattled 


he felt like crying all the time 
                                not very manly he disagreed maybe if neuteredtheir emotions cut away they could insist on their coldness their callousness  but he had always maintained anything anyfuckingthing he did was masculine 
             he was a man


grief

sorrow

ought to be sexless and embraced
 
1654,  Monday,  18  1. 21
1221,  Twosday,  19  1. 21

20.1.21

one - two punch

all he could do against their sparkling one-two punch was duck coverup   submit

Ms. Amanda Gorman’s poem  
                               https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9pyMqnBzk

Rev. Silvester Beaman's benediction                                 
                                       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjc1dHaC-jA

1132,  Inauguration Day, Day-between-Two-Ts,  20  1. 21

 
theyd been drinking plentywere inebriated words were coming out funny which always entertained him and he laughed harder than anyone at others slurs and mispronunciations helter skelter juxtapositions and dropped thoughts What was I saying?


This is time for telling stories boys Man up

the other six at the circular knifecarvedup wood table went quiet

he wasnt terribly drunk he was happyappeased which to him meant slightly pissed  as his New Zealand and Australian friends said

he didnt care for the term hisself
                                  however when it slipped out of their mouths anthey knew he didnt care for it it didnt seem so offensive not as offensive as when he heard it in the States

 

since no stories were apparently forthcoming he offered the first hoping to loosen some tongues around the table

concluding it he sat back grabbed the barmaid gently by the wrist as she was passing she didnt mind and ordered himself another whisky and beer

Can’t drink house whisky, man? You always gotta have something separate?

the guy was a prickwasnt a friend an acquaintance

Yadrink whaya like Ill drink wha I like friend friend sounded asif he spat Whos got the next story

prick said nothing

the other five sucked their beers

Awright a second One morelast one outa my mout

concluding the second it was a peach they all laughedwhich was his intent  Awright Whos steppin up an in Whos got the next tale

prick opened his mouth
                         You know, man, your stories make you sound like a peeker; a pervert.

Lemme fill in the blanks yacant fill without insult despite yer intent I prefer voyeur I place keen details in my stories as I try to recreateas best I can so what Im saying others might see see better 
                                                                                I wouldnt be here if I wasnt a keen observer My life depended on it

Frankly prick if I were you Id be dead 

You got a mouth on you! he angrily tried to push away in his chair from the table but his heels slipped on the peanut shells on the sawdusted floor 
                              Motherfuck passed out of his mouth but looking up he saw that he stood over him
Yawere saying
                Where Ive been youd be a dead man

he was smart to not say anything probably the smartest hed ever been in his life


he rapped him on the forehead with his index finger 
                                                       I got one more story Innarested  prick

meekishly Okay.

Awright In defense of my ass as yasay being a perv a peeker Again I prefer voyeur or just fuckin observant I served a tour in Nam as a tunnel rat

When I went down for induction Select Service the draft When the group I was in was supposed to step forward acknowledge that they were submitting I didnt

I enraged the military and pseudo-militarythe community members who sat on the Draft Board

I signed my name declaring my refusal to enter the Army with a period at its end

I was in the first groupthe morning group

They kept me assuring me they had the right to hold me over for the next group later that morning  

They encouraged me to reconsider
                                     If not whadaya gonna do kill my family

When the second group assembled standing in three lines thirty guys I was at the front

Time came to step forward They did  I did not

Again I signed my name but with a bigger period at its end

Military and the civilian comandante really got their panties in a knot

Enthusiastically they explained to me that never since the Draft begansince it was commenced had they not sent every available A-1 draftee in the community into service

Cocksure I said Sorry boys hate to bust yer perfect bubble but I aint going to fight someone I have no grudge against or existential reason to fight Terrible thing bombin a country back into the Stone Age

I felt a pinch on my arm


When I came to I was on a rear seat of a sedan My hands were shackled together feet shackled a bind strung between them Hogtied Well I aint never sees a hog get out of one so I didnt resist I closed my eyes and went back to dreamland I can always muster a good dream

I woke up in a cell

Crazy to see sunlight passing through bars

Later that morning I was visit by three military officers who presented me with paperwork irrefutable paperwork they said that bore my signature agreeing to my induction 

Damn if my signature didnt have a period at its end 

Only times I ever placed it to exemplify and exacerbate my abject derision to the draft     

he nodded his head  It was a forgery


Three weeks into boot camp I injured enough draftees that at night in my rack I suffered another pinch on the arm When I came to I was drooling down the front of my khakis I was on a military aircraft flying to Nam

I was small then

I was designated tunnel rat

Before the end of my first tour Id grown into my mature body put on four inches and sixty pounds couldnt be a rat nomo

And Id kill someone before Id reup

 

The point of my story is I am fucking observant 
                                                  Naif yawanna take our differences outside an discuss them Im happy to oblige

Otherwise Prick  Shut yer piehole      

2304,  Monday,  18  1. 21
1254am,  Twosday,  19  1. 21

19.1.21

 

he penned note to his girlfriendwould mail it in the morning it was delicious to receive a letter through the mail than throwaway advertisements or bills he told her about his new word  he acknowledged its precursor hourglass however he was affixing it a new status he jazzed it up urglass ur-  that which is primitive is the original
                                                                                                       they lived their doled out lives on indiscriminatesifting sands of Time

hed have what authority he could take 
                                          because authoritypower does not give it up it only releases its griplets go when it is forced to suffer authority doesnt know suffering then experiencing pain made uncomfortable only does it let go hoping that the discomfort will dissipate disappear

shed follow himhis logic 

they were creatives

they took apart bindsuntied knots smashed barriers destroying fetters to find clearblue freedoms

shed get it 
            an mebbe for his letter shed treat him with one of her ownmebbe with enclosed delectables 


she is a beautiful woman 
                           she could read his mind

 

when he began writing her of urglass he saw that the time on the windup clock was 1234 
                                                                                              seemed as simple

1234am,  Monday,  18  1. 21
1540,  Monday,  18  1. 21
Fleetwood Mac  Sands of Time  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jkp34jMeEw

 
she cracked the top his hourglass he corrected her when she absently called it that  My urglass I have an urglass before turning it for him the crack was larger than she meant
                                      but she couldnt take it back

Wait wait he had saidhe trusted her wait for every last grain to fall before turning it I want every secondevery second Im due  I have 


it wasnt greed she knew that 
                               he was trying to live fully for those he loved who he believed died too soon  it was rendering himkilling him

she decided to help


hed been running on fumes for years and the exhaustion was taking its toll
                                                                               he wasnt the vivacious man he once was
Stop complainin he said No one is Im getting older  We either get older or we die 

he used to say she reminded him We either get older or we dont

Semantics he protested  Semantics 
                                             even his maddening penchant to arguehis scathing eye for detail were less vituperative less frequent

 

she could help

she did
        he heard herheard the sliver of glass fall a peal of a thin bell a squeak of a hummingbird Whadidya do my love
Whadidya do

I want to help you, my love 
                           she began to weep

he sighed 
         then he consoled her

0017,  Monday,  18  1. 21
1435,  Monday,  18  1. 21
Pharoah Sanders  Upper Egypt and Lower Egypt   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBot2UwLET8

 

January 17 
             not something hed ever seen before  not a boy from Chicago later ensconced in Minnesota for fifteen years 
     though he was living in California now


a cute little number in shorts gym shoes and a white spaghettistrapped top waved proudly over the fence to him as she cut his neighbours lawn coached by his neighbours teenage son

he waved back

she smiled real bigall chicklets again

he was taking that it was the first lawn she ever cut


if she was smart

if she wore that getup

if she knocked on his door  Mister, cut your lawn for tenbucks; fifteen if you want to watch.

Were negotiating

Hmm, hadn’t thought of that.

No thanks  I dont like the sound of power mowers

Power mowers?

Wha you were using next door

A lawn mower.

A powered mower

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Got a second

Yes.

Im not paying you for your second  understood
                                                   that tickled her

he took her down to the backyard shed and pulled out his rotatingblade mower

What . . is that?

A manual reel mower

Silly, of course it’s real, I can see it.

E-e not e-a  Reel not real

Ah. 
     nice that she was quick on the uptake

Whawould you charge me to cut my lawn with it

Thirty dollars. And you can watch, won't cost you a penny more.

Id be saving ya gas money

But not time, an . .
. . Times money

You said it, brother.

Rather you said it like a real homegrown American capitalist

I have to correct you. Entrepreneur.

Scuse me I stand corrected 
                             Though youll have to take yermanure an hawk it elsewhere


Twentyfive bucks. I shouldn’t take No for an answer.


Yer too young for me to tell ya wha Id pay you twentyfive bucks for
                                                                       he smiled he didnt have chicklets

 

back East January 17 as a boy he made three bucks front walk side walk walk to garage in back and street walk if they wanted they could negotiate the drive 

January Seventeenth he thought
                                    Fuck me

1446,  Sunday,  17  1. 21
2147,  Sunday,  17  1. 21

18.1.21

                       he shoved her against the glass

he took pains to be sure that the glass behind them would reflectcapture what was happening behind her he hired a girl about her heighther enthusiasm which he remembered and hoped she still exhibited 
he assumed her flame hadnt diminished
                                           he wasnt going to risk being overwhelmed  anif she was not  she could watch that he hadnt been

Can you see Can you see

I can hardly see, the angle’s off.

Ah

they paused he told her to keep it warm


he acquired a second freestanding glass and angled them in her periphery

Now  Can you see now

he watched her eyes move leftright she then stared at her faceglancing side to side  she smiled
                                                                                                       Yes, perfectly. I can see your back; I can see me watching me.

he pushed her head nearer the mirror maybe a head away 
                                                               Again 
now only her eyes moved  swinging leftright back and forth  back and forth 
                                                                                 Yes. I can see us perfectly.
Fine
     he pulled her away from the glass  she fixated on their reflections 
                                                                           Is this for a game?
A game of sorts

Would you like to practise I . .ah think, I wouldn’t mind helping you practise.
Thats kind of yo . .
. . I’m not looking for kindness.
                                 she smiled wickedly  he liked her sharp canines showing just beyond her lips 
I have your number

Yes. I hope you use it.

he smiled wickedly 
                     We will see  eh

Eh? Like that. Perhaps we will. she set him with her steelygrey eyes on his Please.

an ache encroached his cock 
                             Perhaps

Thank you for not lying. 
                         she turnedfaced him her hands on his biceps  I want a kiss, though.

he kissed her deeplysurprised by his passion

she kissed as deeply

her groan honest 


they broke their kiss exactly together

 

I like your game.

Thank you

 

 

at the couch seated before the fireplace raindrops tearing on the glasspanes dribbling excited prisms were silent witnessesmute observers as they talked over their first drinktheir first together in Five years is it? she asked Please Coy is not your strong suit Six years. Six an months  she smiledleaned her head briefly to his shoulder her thick black hair smelled good 

the barmaid apologised it appeared their table was running late as a courtesy she wanted to offer them a drink on the house
Yes  she whispered breathlessly  

Thank you I appreciate your gesture  Yes please The same again

as the barmaid left she asked him if he was trying to get her tipsy 

No 

she pouted 
            No?

Why would I want you tipsy

Maybe, perhaps – too many perhaps had passed into his ears laying like fat lazy cats on telephone numbers sprawlinglanguishing on possibilities  --  perhaps

I’d like to be tipsy.


Not anesthetised  Tipsy

the game commencing?

Tipsy. Pleasantly tipsy . . memories then drift up on a high lazy tide . .
. . Like flower petals

Petals . . yes . . their musk wetted.

 

halfway through their second drink the girl fetched them they stood the barmaid tookup their drinks on a tray and lead the way 

he guided her by her elbow to follow and he followed behind her

he was keen to inhalebreathe in the scent of each

he could have closed his eyes and not stumbled as they walked to the diningroom                                                     

                                                  


entering the roomjust inside the mirrored door  This is a really nice room.

Ive stayed here before I thought since I had to come down to meet you Id spend the night

I . . have a room across the street.

You also have a husband and children

Please, stop. 
             Let’s not think, shall we?
Perhaps

she caught his drift wrinkledup her nose
                                            I suppose I own perhapses, and maybes.  You do  Some courts would find you guilt of cocktease

Cocktease.  she stood with her back to the door  You think I’m a cocktease?  she leanedup against him  she was small  he could feelwas aware of her breast at his diaphragm  his nose caressed the crown of her head  the back of her headhe remembered  smelled the same

she had to feel him growing against her belly 
                                                A cocktease
she didnt put her arms around him 

she leaned heavier against him

he burrowed against herhe could feel her rhythmic breathing  he could imagine the things he could do to herthe things he masturbated to 
                                 he pinioned her aroundpushed his cock to the furrow of her spinegrabbed her wrists and placed her hands on the door to either side of the glass
                            Keep your hands there donmove em  Look into the mirrorusing only your eyes  Donlook at me

she saw 
         he liked the wincethe spark in her spine its sudden rigidness  he grabbed her tits fiercelypinched her nipples hard  he groaned

the groan was calling her bluff 
                                 an inarticulate Cock Tease 


she shivered

Stop

she didnt say anything

I should take you to your hotel

he did 
       which was fine  he had another number
1212 or 0012,  Saturday,  9  1. 21
1514,  Sunday,  17  1. 21                                                                                              
Rick James  Super Freak  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYHxGBH6o4M 
Romantics  Talking in your Sleep  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmGMzyajA2U
Fixx  One Thing Leads to Another  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHYIGy1dyd8
Wang Chung - Everybody Have Fun Tonight  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoXu6QmxpJE