der Narzissmus der kleinen Differenzen 

                                            the narcissism of small differences

hed never heard of it or read it before

Freud gets credit 

                   calling it “the innate human proclivity for aggression(violence) – hed call it manliness more so white manliness – and the desire for distinct identity”

“To see one’s neighbor reflect and mirror oneself too much threatens a person’s unique sense of self, and superiority.” 

ah  Superiority  gotta feel that   whakind of man are you if yadon feel superior 

he had a simple remedy 

                           Don look   fuck “reflect  mirror” yadon look yawon see   

what he read into narcissism of small differences was the lack of confidence in oneself

know thyself translates into accepting oneself 

                                               akin to love  first one has to love themselves  then they can love another

if someone is bristling over the talents or possession another has because the talents are innate or the person wantedWanted that thing they possess 

                                         wha to get yer panties in a knot over

 

he could give a fuck over wha another man could do or had

men didnt impress him

he rarely looked at them

they had nothing he could possibly want

he was too busy looking at womenfolk 

a waste of time paying attention to men

the only time they got his attentiongarnered his ire was when they spoke and their wordstheir philosophical positions were radicallyenormously different than his

they played with hate 

                        Oh, so you hate me? 

No you disgust me 

                    Disgust and hate are different I hate no one Hate is as huge a devotion as love an seeing that I choose to love my bank is empty I float on a sea of love I cannot sail on a driedup desert that runs for as far as the eye can see

        I aint carrying a boat on my back to see if I can find water It is a forbidding wasteland

 

the narcissism of small differences 

                                      hadnt conceived of that before 

usually the only difference that goads him is when acquaintances insisttry an softpedal persuasion 

he insists its coercion   

they find coercion too strongtoo adversarial   

they would 

theyre not assertive 

1220,  Thursday,  8  4. 21

349 or 1549,  Thursday,  15  4. 21

 

a spectrogram became the latest installationupload to his dreaming

 

                                                                                it distracted him

You’re telling me you viewed a sonograph, a voiceprint . . running beneath your dream?

Yup

One voice, multiple voices?

Mine

That had to be disturbing, upsetting.

Nope 

All you got is one syllable answers?

Nah Idve thought my monotone the single words would suggest I wasnt upset  bemused curious  Not disturbed

Considering how I dream I was mildly distracted by its newness  Perhaps yer not recalling I dream in black and white colour have dreams adorned with speech bubbles characters graphically drawn stylistic also rendered cartoonish  Sometimes I dream only words asif readingdream multiple points of view  be multiple characters male female make love to myself an no matter the violence or horror theyre never nightmares always  dreams 

No. I recall.

             Although you should be able to appreciate that for someone who scarcely remembers their dreams, therefore dreamless, that when you talk about your dreams, particularly when you suggest the fantastic is meaningful, that is very unorthodox. Unreal.

I can The only reason I can remember is because Ive made a concerted effort since I was a boy Ive always been fascinated by dreams Anthen because I learned to manipulate them rather than always take a ride – though often I still do – they become more real  never unreal

Well, I’ve no idea what to make of your voiceprint. Seems impossible to me.

Yare saying that on purpose correct

On purpose?

Impossible

Seems impossible?

Apparently you also don recall Break impossible down  Im possible

AwJesus.

dreaming,  Monday,  12  4. 21

1214,  Thursday,  15  4. 21

 

  :  :  Sp ck mix up.

that was convenient 

                                      Convenience                                                                              

Homo convenience 

he raved against it 

                     screw it was gonna take a shota swing he really disliked abbreviations and acronyms                                                                                                                                        

replying he texted  :  :  Sp ck  spell check? Yare gonna blame the machineyer smartphone huh A built-in fall guy until one day it takes exception and comes after you with a vengeance – or orders another machine to 

the sp ck arose because out of the blue he texted him  :  :  Tiny T’s. We don’t need another Hero.

the only thing in it that added up was Hero

he texted earlier that the film The Hero was available at the library they could pick it up before they stopped for coffee later that day

Tina was auto-corrected to Tiny the machine understood him to use Tiny more frequent

why 

      whos running the fucking show 

why didnt he disable auto-correct and suffer his misspellings

he said he didnt have time to look up proper spellings becau . . 

. . Because its better to be incoherent than spell a word wrong then a queer incorrect word is dropped in

The text wasn’t incoherent; you got it right.

I got your sp ck not wha Tiny referred to

Come on, everyone’s familiar with We don’t need another hero; Tina Turner.

If yare a fan Tiny Ts didnt get me anywhere near the hood ifya don mind the colloquialism Tiny T’s provided me tiny tits 

   Anwhy the fuck would you be writin about tiny tits in the confines of your text

I wouldn’t.

But you didnt read your text before you sent it Yaint no stenographer not onehunredtwenty words a minute

No, I did not.

This aint the first time Ive harped on it I recommend you do Particularly if yare so concerned about misspelling a fucking word Misspelling a word to reliable content and context  Jeesus

You’re upset because you don’t like the technology.

Hmm Lemme think  A technology that makes you look like an asshole

Lighten up, man.

Lighten up 

           Yare the one with a bug up their ass about incorrect spellings Id think if you were youd also be concerned that your text makes sense rather than being Homo convenience

Homo convenience? What’s that?

A moniker yare that 

                      Whatevers convenient flies in this world Its more convenient to throw things away than make things that last a lifetime Planned obsolescence Throw it away so you can buy the next and throw it away too  an next the next anthe next Be a good lil consumer 

                                              Imagine Consumer IDs A chip implanted in your armthey do it to pets  for convenience sakes

An thinkin furthur 

                    Sp ck rolled his eyes as he listened 

                                                          Donroll yer eyes I aint being facetious Six million Jews cant be wrong  Concentration camp tattoos 

                                       So fuckin convenient Donhave to carry a wallet ID creditcard purse Scan me up Scotty allusion to StarTrek Gouge that neat chip out of your arm it flashed around consuming until yare able to staunch the bleeding so you donbleed out then call authorities on your nifty manufactured cohort which aint doin ya any damn favours currently 

That’s dark, man, that’s the dark side; you neglect the good things it provides.

Good things like  convenience right 

                                       The light bright side as yasay is advertised to the hilt aint never ever going anywhere near admitting its dark applications

Man he was frustrated Up to you. You’re just gonna be left behind.

No Incorrect  Im not buying in  Not buying in one is unable to be left behind

1130,  Twosday,  13  4. 21

1437,  Day-bewtween-Two-Ts,  14  4. 21

  

Did I hear you right?  

he really liked her face

her eyes were wide spread  broad First People nose 

                                                            a wellshaped mouth

Excuse me

she came up behind him in the kitchen he asked if shed like coffee and she said yes

Did I hear you thank your coffeemaker?

We go way back  Her bottoms a little leaky but whats not to like about that A Proctor Silex straight coffeemaker no bells an whistles She makes coffee an she takes her sweet time about it so yare really wanting it by the time she finishes

But . . you thanked your coffeemaker.

I did

I . ah . . I find that . uh . little . . 

. . Odd

I wouldn’t say od . . 

. . I did Was tryin to help you along

Unusual.

Unusual to thank someone that did something for you

A coffeemaker is a something.

It provided coffee for us

Yes, but . . 

. . No  It provided us cups of coffee That its inanimate doesnt preclude that it favoured us and whenever someonesomething favours me I take care to thank them it because I appreciate their labour 

                                                                                                 Also keeps one in practisereminds them to thank human beings when they favour them or provide them something they wantedasked for like the peach pie from the bakery tonight 

You’ll have to admit it’s a little peculiar.

I don Ive been thankful since I was a boy An let me tell ya when a machine an inanimate object fails us we bitch it out pretty damn good donwe

her eyelashes fluttered again

she had amazing eyes 

he caught her face reflecting off the glass outside a small department store he liked window shopping and this particularly store was known throughout the town for its window dressing par excellence the way the French say it   

then he caught her eyes

she looked into his eyes off the glass

he turned immediately 

                         Good evening

Good evening.

An amazing display isnt it Always is

Yes, like a piece of art.

Im happy you said that because Ive said as much an people look at me crosseyedconfused 

                                                                                               Though as said Beauty art is in the eye of the beholder

Yes, yes it is.

he extended his hand 

                        Names Joe

she fumbled a bit she was holding something in her hands that he didnt pay any attention to it was utterly extraneouscouldnt hold a candle to her presence

whatever it was she tucked into her jacket pocket and took his hand 

                                                                         Avril.

French April  My favourite monthbirth month A pleasure to meet you Avril

A pleasure to meet you, Joe.

You have an appreciation for art 

                                   it wasnt a question 

You’re direct.

I am Times awastin Waste not want not 

                                            But I donwanna beat ya senseless with platitudes prosaic statements  However that said he looked in her eyes the whole while you seem to have more sense an senses in you that I couldnt beat out of you if I had all night 

                                  An all day tomorrow

My. 

      her eyelashes fluttered

they were long he felt secure theyd be good handholds if he began falling deeply into her eyes 

                                                                                                     My

Yes. Someone, not me, might call that a line, however an improbable line.

I don have lines Just say wha one inspires in me An not always pleasant derogatory likewise

Direct, as I said.

I am Could I make you a cup of coffee

Buy me a cup of coffee?

No Make I rent a small bungalow a couple blocks down and up a street on the right Fivetwelve an a half North Fourth It sits at the back of the lot Agnes my landlord owns the house in front 

                                                                           I make a better cup of coffee than most places sell Its the beans

she looked at himassessing him

Its not a make or break proposition Avril I can ask for your telephone number for some other time if youd rather Seems we have a lot to talk about

Another time . . . 

                   she like it hang 

he didnt shift in his shoeshis countenance remained unperturbed he wasnt driving the bus

Another time . . . 

                   then she laughed gaylyshe didnt cover her mouth Why? No time like the present.

Ah Nice uptake yare quick 

I am.

1018,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  14  4. 21

 

Whadaya mean

Beats the hell outa me

Ya wrote it

I did

           Ya noted the timeyah

Yah Fortyseven minutes into Friday morn . .

. . Reggae Fridaycomon theres a particular vernacular we recognise

Recognise We only recognise it because you devised it

Yah got that right 

                   When yacome up with something . .

. . Youll take credit for it too

Hmm very likely 

                   Id say it sucks to be you however Id be badmouthing myself an we have plenty others who deride us

Yes Yes  There is that 

                              Still  youve no idea whacha meant

Nah Ive read it over and over again Im tryin to make heads or tails of it

If I may ya wrote There are those who sleep outside of doors and those who sleep behind them

Yes

Have you considered if you actually meant sleep  doors 

                                                            Youd just came out of a hot bath an we know baths play with our mind impregnate us  Yamay have written wha the water meant

The water meant   Thats terribly interesting

Yadon mean interesting ambivalently 

No Why I dropped terribly as an adverb 

                                          Someone isnt terribly ambivalent

Its all a matter of degreesisnt it how someone evaluates somethinganything It carries weigh or it doesnt 

                                                                                                Can I get an Amen brother 

Amen 

       Yare so full of shi . .

. . Yasaid no badmouthing 

Yare pretty fuckin lively toda . .

. . Yare inspiring me

Nice to have a coconspirator

Coconspirators theres more than you know more than ya know

Not too crowded

Never too crowded The walls are elastic an we push them out if we need more room  When yare feelin enlightened thats us pushing the walls out

Im enlivened

Yes the pair Enlightened enlivened  but we disgress 

Which we adore

Yes we do Our linearity is dismal asif school geometry didnt inform uscarve it in stone 

That was a drag

But we triedwe tried very hard

We failed miserably

We failed miserably anyet the teacher passed us with a D Remember Remember how he said he never had a student try so hard yet fail so miserably

Wha are you saying 

Im saying our misery was a success  Not many can say that

Say not boast

I almost said boast  then thought better 

                                             But we digress again

Yes 

      The water

The water Possibly  Whadaya think

he reiterated There are those who sleep outside of doors and those who sleep behind them 

                                                                                                Open waters  Water in plumbing pipes toilet bowls  Open water under sky and sun and stars  Rolling quietly in creeks and streamstributaries rivers puddlesponds lakes estuaries  whipped in the sea 

                                                               Very possible 

Anwhynot

Whynot 

Your neighbours new gate has been weighing on you too though

Yes

Yes Evident 

             Bothers all of us  Containment  An abridgment of a kind

Yes Feels like a corral 

                         An the only times weve been around corrals has been to castrate cattle or kill them slaughter them for meat

Which you were quite good at

I was young  Bloodlust

High school biology Mr Demerest  Said you prepared the best classroom exhibits hed ever had to pleasure displaying

Ya remember that

I do

Thank you Id forgotten

There you have it were good for something

                                                  Boss 

Boss

it was eerie to hear himthem laugh  haunting

Just tryin to lighten things up

 

maybe he didnt ultimately know what he meant 

                                                    but that wasnt always the point

0047,  Reggae Friday,  9  4. 21

1111,  Twosday,  13  4. 21

 

Yare pregnant 

              words he didnt ask  not once even having three children    he couldnt imagine 

once the male rite of passage was buying rubbers 

they were tucked safely behind the pharmacists

he had to stepup step into the breach and speakBARK 

                                                       anhe barked like a big dog because he never wanted to ask  incredulously dumbly  Yare pregnant

then ’65 rolled around 

the game changed

the rite 

    castrated 

Planned Parenthood in its infinite wisdom won their US Supreme Court victory Griswold v. Connecticut 

                                                                                                          anwhile he wasnt chasing tail then he understood its ramifications 

leaving home years later  dating (rubbers burning a hole in his pocket) if the evening went that way and the girl said Don’t, we don’t need that; I’m on the pill. hed say  Prove it

What?

I wanna see

You want to see what?

I want to see your dispenser

You got balls.

I do hence why I wanna see with my own eyes

that abruptbrief dialog he knew the risk killed several amorous adventures 

                                                                                 but better safe than really fuckin sorry

besides  not that the girl knew  a rubberthose rubbers then  thick  were quite desensitising  he was often a handsfree lifelike dildo  hed ream till they screamed and over their panting hed ask  Could ya help a brother out 

                                                                                                             lotsa head

lotsa 69s

           he was grateful  had grateful lovers

 

the Pill was a gamechanger

warm naturallylubricated sex was the best 

                                            though it amped his sensitivity and he wasnt the handsfree lifelike dildo he once was

but reloaded

he could roll one on

and there was a good chance a passionate STOP would ensue I’M TOO SENSITIVE then hed counter that with a good oldfashion tonguelashing 

                           a couplethree times he seriously thought they broke his nose 

                                                                                         but fuck  a small price to pay

 

and for his disciplinehis mindfulness 

                                        never did ask  Yare pregnant 

1947 or 747,  7  4. 21,  Twosday

1047,  Monday,  12  4. 21

  

JesusChrist where did that come from

                                      a fuckin cravinghe rarely had cravings some people suspected something was wrong with him

Cat doesn’t eat ice cream, doesn’t eat pastries and cakes and cookies, occasionally likes candy, JuJubes, Jujyfruits, black licorice, and if chocolates, then only dark chocolate; I can’t say that I have ever seen him eat any though.

hed have to concede that sweetsnot since he was a kid ran up his alley 

he rather spend his money on other delicacies

books

film

art

his pleasures were esoteric most called banal banality is in the eye of the beholder

he also rather spend his money occasionally on women 

                                                          they were esoterica on the hoof

 

Salerno Butter cookies

he wanted to eat them off his fingers like rings as when he was a kidHOWEVER he knew companies – he didnt think Salerno was still the Salernos of his childhood and the recipe likely bastardised -- ingredients cheaped on to put more money in corporates pocket

cheat on ingredients

fuck the product

look at him talking himself out of his craving 

                                               deny  deny   deny thats what Catholicism did for him a Faith of Denial youd get yours after you were dead 

                                    great time to have cookies and milk

thats how the Faith provided purewhite robed Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates Peter doncome cheap the Pearly Gates are fuckin immaculate and white goldsolid gold stiles and rails had they not been fashioned as early as they were they would have been made of Black Hills gold 

                                            had that been the case he might have been coercedreconverted into a Catholick again Yes the k had to be there  it wasnt up for discussion 

the milk got warm

only cold milk with Salerno Butter cookies

his craving went from hot coals to coldgrey ash

 

thats how a once-upon-a-time Catholick did it 

                                                 dare he say free will

1931,  Twosday,  6  4. 21

1551,  Sunday,  11  4. 21

 

 

give him a break 

                 he was a boyhe was a little boy who didnt think one moment to the next because he knew in not a yearmaybe not six months he was going to have to think every fucking moment and then not that for that momentbut for every moment following 

                        he thought he was too young for that shit  but he was the eldest and that was the domain of the eldest 

he accepted ithe accepted it because there was an endgame  it wasnt for the rest his life though his family might have preferred it wanted him to

when he slipped their noose he said Adios  

                                             they were sorry he did he had been superlative middle management

hed been an excellent middle man

gone at 20

            two years later than he wanted 

when he left not only did he vacate but the next two eldest siblings also did his brother entered the military his sister got knockedup  their parents and her soon-to-be in-laws didnt have the sense to agree to an abortion they were non-practising Catholics yet they wouldnt allow commingling cells to be dispersed 

                                                                                  he called it a fetus  they called it baby 

he offended them because he couldbecause he would he spoke his peace Its a developing fetus not a baby an it aint much a stretch to say fetus and feces in the same breath 

                                                    Let it go

curious how life becomes suddenly sacred when its in your daughters womb when its your sons seed otherwise fuck it 

because you aint related

Comon threefour minutes of excitationarousal SEX creates shackles for a lifetime

                                                                                       he counseled  Let it go 

Let it go

but to them abortion was shameful

it was early

nobody knewbut they knew that theyfour adults  knew  knew their underaged children conceived was shameful

Get over it 

           Free yourselves free your children You know a child is yours until you die and youll be dead before your children freed of your obligation

they didnt listen

his sisters boyfriend confided in him and that was the only reason he was in itwhy he demanded a voice

having the baby was decided six-to-one  

four Noes two coerced minor Noes

he looked them all in the face 

                              Awright no matter I wont be here Im slipping this madness 

Adios 

he blew kisses to the receding abortion and its sidekick Sanity Abortion adios

2244,  Saturday,  10  4. 21

1136,  Sunday,  11  4. 21

Peter, Paul & Mary  If I Had a Hammer  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMOB2K78iM

En Vogue  Free Your Mind  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=calm3oK08QU

 

   death carves holes in our lives

                                                                in our futures 

                     we can never fill 

holes

 

                                 deep  black   holes

 

1927, Twoday,  6  4. 21

1018 or 2218,  Saturday,  10 4. 21

Sade  No Ordinary Love  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1k6EUW0czc