he always thought hed have that 

                                   thought hed grow old with his wife enjoy grandchildrennot many only their eldest was prone to the idea of having kids their youngest had no interest in birthing 

                                                                                   Ain't nothing that large passing through a hole that small without real pain and lingering discomfort. Knock yourself out, sis.

she wasnt ten when she spoke those words

he wasthey were proud of their girls 

                                      even as little girls they spun at a higher attitude orbits  few could pull the wool over their eyes 

he was the eldest of nine childrenhe helped raised little ones before leaving home  not one of them could hope to fly higher than a kite caught in a tree top 

                                       thats not true a baby sister a real lulu had gumption had balls she didnt like it when she could understand when he told her she had balls                                                                                                                               Save it honey I can see it in your face Youve heard me say so Someone tries to get up on youyour face sets they back off if theyre smart Yadon say it Your face speaks for you  Suck my cock. 

               Anif your face tells someone to suck your cock why should you bother being upset with me sayin you got balls Mens genitalia is not handsome Anya aptly swing it over your head like Davids sling looking to bring down Goliaths of either sex who mess with ya 

                                          Take it If I have girls Id want them to be like you in every way possible Just a bit smarter 

            There you golook at that face Yes suck your cock I hear yahear ya loud an clear 

an old man and woman were trimming a tree in their front yard  wind was blowing something fierce  they may have hoped it was the front edge of an approaching rainstorm

walking past he teased them how smart they were  putting the pole saw up on a limb and letting the wind do the work

they hahaed together

Have a fine afternoon he said as he continued walking down the street 

reaching the street cornernot forty metres off he kept thinking of them together helping each other thought to himself that he imagined he and his wife as an old couple his parents were eightynine eightyseven 

                                                                                             the beauty of a fiftyyear togetherness given when they married at eightynine and eightyseven theyd have sixtyseven years of togetherness  

his heart ached

wasnt meant to be             

probably 2ish,  Twosday,  19  1. 21

1550,  Twosday,  19  11. 21 

Beatles  When I’m 64   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7TANPFMf1k 

 

 

he felt like crying all the time 

                                hed lost his wife  he lost his sister daughter and mother within a year and a halfhis daughter and mother in two weeks  

he had good reason to cry 

                            the most powerful women of his tribe were dead and only two remained who could possibly be confidantes  who he could bounce things off

since realising Trump virus was overwhelming the countryspread by selfish inaction he had few distractions to pursue that could quiet the pain in his heart

he was by himself

he was embattled 

he felt like crying all the time 

                                not very manly he disagreed maybe if neuteredtheir emotions cut away they could insist on their coldness their callousness  but he had always maintained anything anyfuckingthing he did was masculine 

             he was a man

grief

sorrow

ought to be sexless and embraced

 

1654,  Monday,  18  1. 21

1221,  Twosday,  19  1. 21

one - two punch

all he could do against their sparkling one-two punch was duck coverup   submit

Ms. Amanda Gorman’s poem  

                               https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9pyMqnBzk

Rev. Silvester Beaman's benediction                                 

                                       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjc1dHaC-jA

1132,  Inauguration Day, Day-between-Two-Ts,  20  1. 21

 

theyd been drinking plentywere inebriated words were coming out funny which always entertained him and he laughed harder than anyone at others slurs and mispronunciations helter skelter juxtapositions and dropped thoughts What was I saying?

This is time for telling stories boys Man up

the other six at the circular knifecarvedup wood table went quiet

he wasnt terribly drunk he was happyappeased which to him meant slightly pissed  as his New Zealand and Australian friends said

he didnt care for the term hisself

                                  however when it slipped out of their mouths anthey knew he didnt care for it it didnt seem so offensive not as offensive as when he heard it in the States

 

since no stories were apparently forthcoming he offered the first hoping to loosen some tongues around the table

concluding it he sat back grabbed the barmaid gently by the wrist as she was passing she didnt mind and ordered himself another whisky and beer

Can’t drink house whisky, man? You always gotta have something separate?

the guy was a prickwasnt a friend an acquaintance

Yadrink whaya like Ill drink wha I like friend friend sounded asif he spat Whos got the next story

prick said nothing

the other five sucked their beers

Awright a second One morelast one outa my mout

concluding the second it was a peach they all laughedwhich was his intent  Awright Whos steppin up an in Whos got the next tale

prick opened his mouth

                         You know, man, your stories make you sound like a peeker; a pervert.

Lemme fill in the blanks yacant fill without insult despite yer intent I prefer voyeur I place keen details in my stories as I try to recreateas best I can so what Im saying others might see see better 

                                                                                I wouldnt be here if I wasnt a keen observer My life depended on it

Frankly prick if I were you Id be dead 

You got a mouth on you! he angrily tried to push away in his chair from the table but his heels slipped on the peanut shells on the sawdusted floor 

                              Motherfuck passed out of his mouth but looking up he saw that he stood over him

Yawere saying

                Where Ive been youd be a dead man

he was smart to not say anything probably the smartest hed ever been in his life

he rapped him on the forehead with his index finger 

                                                       I got one more story Innarested  prick

meekishly Okay.

Awright In defense of my ass as yasay being a perv a peeker Again I prefer voyeur or just fuckin observant I served a tour in Nam as a tunnel rat

When I went down for induction Select Service the draft When the group I was in was supposed to step forward acknowledge that they were submitting I didnt

I enraged the military and pseudo-militarythe community members who sat on the Draft Board

I signed my name declaring my refusal to enter the Army with a period at its end

I was in the first groupthe morning group

They kept me assuring me they had the right to hold me over for the next group later that morning  

They encouraged me to reconsider

                                     If not whadaya gonna do kill my family

When the second group assembled standing in three lines thirty guys I was at the front

Time came to step forward They did  I did not

Again I signed my name but with a bigger period at its end

Military and the civilian comandante really got their panties in a knot

Enthusiastically they explained to me that never since the Draft begansince it was commenced had they not sent every available A-1 draftee in the community into service

Cocksure I said Sorry boys hate to bust yer perfect bubble but I aint going to fight someone I have no grudge against or existential reason to fight Terrible thing bombin a country back into the Stone Age

I felt a pinch on my arm

When I came to I was on a rear seat of a sedan My hands were shackled together feet shackled a bind strung between them Hogtied Well I aint never sees a hog get out of one so I didnt resist I closed my eyes and went back to dreamland I can always muster a good dream

I woke up in a cell

Crazy to see sunlight passing through bars

Later that morning I was visit by three military officers who presented me with paperwork irrefutable paperwork they said that bore my signature agreeing to my induction 

Damn if my signature didnt have a period at its end 

Only times I ever placed it to exemplify and exacerbate my abject derision to the draft     

he nodded his head  It was a forgery

Three weeks into boot camp I injured enough draftees that at night in my rack I suffered another pinch on the arm When I came to I was drooling down the front of my khakis I was on a military aircraft flying to Nam

I was small then

I was designated tunnel rat

Before the end of my first tour Id grown into my mature body put on four inches and sixty pounds couldnt be a rat nomo

And Id kill someone before Id reup

 

The point of my story is I am fucking observant 

                                                  Naif yawanna take our differences outside an discuss them Im happy to oblige

Otherwise Prick  Shut yer piehole      

2304,  Monday,  18  1. 21

1254am,  Twosday,  19  1. 21

 

he penned note to his girlfriendwould mail it in the morning it was delicious to receive a letter through the mail than throwaway advertisements or bills he told her about his new word  he acknowledged its precursor hourglass however he was affixing it a new status he jazzed it up urglass ur-  that which is primitive is the original

                                                                                                       they lived their doled out lives on indiscriminatesifting sands of Time

hed have what authority he could take 

                                          because authoritypower does not give it up it only releases its griplets go when it is forced to suffer authority doesnt know suffering then experiencing pain made uncomfortable only does it let go hoping that the discomfort will dissipate disappear

shed follow himhis logic 

they were creatives

they took apart bindsuntied knots smashed barriers destroying fetters to find clearblue freedoms

shed get it 

            an mebbe for his letter shed treat him with one of her ownmebbe with enclosed delectables 

she is a beautiful woman 

                           she could read his mind

 

when he began writing her of urglass he saw that the time on the windup clock was 1234 

                                                                                              seemed as simple

1234am,  Monday,  18  1. 21

1540,  Monday,  18  1. 21

Fleetwood Mac  Sands of Time  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jkp34jMeEw

 

she cracked the top his hourglass he corrected her when she absently called it that  My urglass I have an urglass before turning it for him the crack was larger than she meant

                                      but she couldnt take it back

Wait wait he had saidhe trusted her wait for every last grain to fall before turning it I want every secondevery second Im due  I have 

it wasnt greed she knew that 

                               he was trying to live fully for those he loved who he believed died too soon  it was rendering himkilling him

she decided to help

hed been running on fumes for years and the exhaustion was taking its toll

                                                                               he wasnt the vivacious man he once was

Stop complainin he said No one is Im getting older  We either get older or we die 

he used to say she reminded him We either get older or we dont

Semantics he protested  Semantics 

                                             even his maddening penchant to arguehis scathing eye for detail were less vituperative less frequent

 

she could help

she did

        he heard herheard the sliver of glass fall a peal of a thin bell a squeak of a hummingbird Whadidya do my love

Whadidya do

I want to help you, my love 

                           she began to weep

he sighed 

         then he consoled her

0017,  Monday,  18  1. 21

1435,  Monday,  18  1. 21

Pharoah Sanders  Upper Egypt and Lower Egypt   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBot2UwLET8

 

January 17 

             not something hed ever seen before  not a boy from Chicago later ensconced in Minnesota for fifteen years 

     though he was living in California now

a cute little number in shorts gym shoes and a white spaghettistrapped top waved proudly over the fence to him as she cut his neighbours lawn coached by his neighbours teenage son

he waved back

she smiled real bigall chicklets again

he was taking that it was the first lawn she ever cut

if she was smart

if she wore that getup

if she knocked on his door  Mister, cut your lawn for tenbucks; fifteen if you want to watch.

Were negotiating

Hmm, hadn’t thought of that.

No thanks  I dont like the sound of power mowers

Power mowers?

Wha you were using next door

A lawn mower.

A powered mower

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Got a second

Yes.

Im not paying you for your second  understood

                                                   that tickled her

he took her down to the backyard shed and pulled out his rotatingblade mower

What . . is that?

A manual reel mower

Silly, of course it’s real, I can see it.

E-e not e-a  Reel not real

Ah. 

     nice that she was quick on the uptake

Whawould you charge me to cut my lawn with it

Thirty dollars. And you can watch, won't cost you a penny more.

Id be saving ya gas money

But not time, an . .

. . Times money

You said it, brother.

Rather you said it like a real homegrown American capitalist

I have to correct you. Entrepreneur.

Scuse me I stand corrected 

                             Though youll have to take yermanure an hawk it elsewhere

Twentyfive bucks. I shouldn’t take No for an answer.

Yer too young for me to tell ya wha Id pay you twentyfive bucks for

                                                                       he smiled he didnt have chicklets

 

back East January 17 as a boy he made three bucks front walk side walk walk to garage in back and street walk if they wanted they could negotiate the drive 

January Seventeenth he thought

                                    Fuck me

1446,  Sunday,  17  1. 21

2147,  Sunday,  17  1. 21

                       he shoved her against the glass

he took pains to be sure that the glass behind them would reflectcapture what was happening behind her he hired a girl about her heighther enthusiasm which he remembered and hoped she still exhibited 

he assumed her flame hadnt diminished

                                           he wasnt going to risk being overwhelmed  anif she was not  she could watch that he hadnt been

Can you see Can you see

I can hardly see, the angle’s off.

Ah

they paused he told her to keep it warm

he acquired a second freestanding glass and angled them in her periphery

Now  Can you see now

he watched her eyes move leftright she then stared at her faceglancing side to side  she smiled

                                                                                                       Yes, perfectly. I can see your back; I can see me watching me.

he pushed her head nearer the mirror maybe a head away 

                                                               Again 

now only her eyes moved  swinging leftright back and forth  back and forth 

                                                                                 Yes. I can see us perfectly.

Fine

     he pulled her away from the glass  she fixated on their reflections 

                                                                           Is this for a game?

A game of sorts

Would you like to practise I . .ah think, I wouldn’t mind helping you practise.

Thats kind of yo . .

. . I’m not looking for kindness.

                                 she smiled wickedly  he liked her sharp canines showing just beyond her lips 

I have your number

Yes. I hope you use it.

he smiled wickedly 

                     We will see  eh

Eh? Like that. Perhaps we will. she set him with her steelygrey eyes on his Please.

an ache encroached his cock 

                             Perhaps

Thank you for not lying. 

                         she turnedfaced him her hands on his biceps  I want a kiss, though.

he kissed her deeplysurprised by his passion

she kissed as deeply

her groan honest 

they broke their kiss exactly together

 

I like your game.

Thank you

 

 

at the couch seated before the fireplace raindrops tearing on the glasspanes dribbling excited prisms were silent witnessesmute observers as they talked over their first drinktheir first together in Five years is it? she asked Please Coy is not your strong suit Six years. Six an months  she smiledleaned her head briefly to his shoulder her thick black hair smelled good 

the barmaid apologised it appeared their table was running late as a courtesy she wanted to offer them a drink on the house

Yes  she whispered breathlessly  

Thank you I appreciate your gesture  Yes please The same again

as the barmaid left she asked him if he was trying to get her tipsy 

No 

she pouted 

            No?

Why would I want you tipsy

Maybe, perhaps – too many perhaps had passed into his ears laying like fat lazy cats on telephone numbers sprawlinglanguishing on possibilities  --  perhaps

I’d like to be tipsy.

Not anesthetised  Tipsy

the game commencing?

Tipsy. Pleasantly tipsy . . memories then drift up on a high lazy tide . .

. . Like flower petals

Petals . . yes . . their musk wetted.

 

halfway through their second drink the girl fetched them they stood the barmaid tookup their drinks on a tray and lead the way 

he guided her by her elbow to follow and he followed behind her

he was keen to inhalebreathe in the scent of each

he could have closed his eyes and not stumbled as they walked to the diningroom                                                     

                                                  

entering the roomjust inside the mirrored door  This is a really nice room.

Ive stayed here before I thought since I had to come down to meet you Id spend the night

I . . have a room across the street.

You also have a husband and children

Please, stop. 

             Let’s not think, shall we?

Perhaps

she caught his drift wrinkledup her nose

                                            I suppose I own perhapses, and maybes.  You do  Some courts would find you guilt of cocktease

Cocktease.  she stood with her back to the door  You think I’m a cocktease?  she leanedup against him  she was small  he could feelwas aware of her breast at his diaphragm  his nose caressed the crown of her head  the back of her headhe remembered  smelled the same

she had to feel him growing against her belly 

                                                A cocktease

she didnt put her arms around him 

she leaned heavier against him

he burrowed against herhe could feel her rhythmic breathing  he could imagine the things he could do to herthe things he masturbated to 

                                 he pinioned her aroundpushed his cock to the furrow of her spinegrabbed her wrists and placed her hands on the door to either side of the glass

                            Keep your hands there donmove em  Look into the mirrorusing only your eyes  Donlook at me

she saw 

         he liked the wincethe spark in her spine its sudden rigidness  he grabbed her tits fiercelypinched her nipples hard  he groaned

the groan was calling her bluff 

                                 an inarticulate Cock Tease 

she shivered

Stop

she didnt say anything

I should take you to your hotel

he did 

       which was fine  he had another number

1212 or 0012,  Saturday,  9  1. 21

1514,  Sunday,  17  1. 21                                                                                              

Heart  Crazy on You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZjEC4WhCvg 

Rick James  Super Freak  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYHxGBH6o4M 

Cameo  Word Up  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZjAantupsA 

Romantics  Talking in your Sleep  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmGMzyajA2U

Fixx  One Thing Leads to Another  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHYIGy1dyd8

Wang Chung - Everybody Have Fun Tonight  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoXu6QmxpJE 

Devo  Whip It  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_QLzthSkfM   

 

coming down a steep hill old pavementcould pick out individual rock where the sand gave way to a busy cross street he picked his nose up out of the book he was reading Whadahell she dressed for he thought 

                                                                                                palepink shortsleeved top palepink leggings  skintight  from behind her blonderaspberrystreaked hair passing her shoulders made her look like a sunburnt nude  her halfbootsthe break of flesh between them and the seam of her leggings broke him free of his nudemusing 

             still  there wasnt a lot left to the imagination

traffic was surprisingly slight

                               which allowed him to cross the street fivesix metres off her right shoulder as she stood on the sidewalk looking into an eatery through its plateglass window

it was in that window he recognised she was watching him watching her

he waved

she waved back into the window without turning around

Gotta tell ya he said loudly  from behind ya look neked Ya pull it off nicely though  Think yad look great 

Thank you, I think she replied into the window 

                                                 Thought forsure you were going down on your face coming down that hill. Pavement’s terrible.

he continued walking off up the sidewalk

                                            So yare from around here

I am!

Good Maybe Ill seeya around sometime Was mighty nice seeing ya today

LIKELY I’LL SEE YOU FIRST.

LIKELY                                                                

1400,  Monday,  11  1. 21

1604,  Saturday,  16  1. 21

he dreamt of being a pet a kept man 

                                     an thinkin it through he didnt have a problem with that

he was  afterall  dreamin

secondlyseconal 

               for the waryfor the I wanna know exactly whayer hittin me up with doc Secobarbital 

                                                                                                         hmm  sounds like a variety of treble hooks he used for pike and walleye 

it can cause paranoid or suicidal ideations

                                              life causes paranoid or suicidal ideations 

it can impair memory judgment and coordination 

                                                    mebbe someone doesnt wanna rememberdoesnt give a rats ass what their actions provoke  coordination  don get fancy  most people get dicey when you tell em the earth is spinningrotating gravity keeps their feet planted keeps em from becoming satellites 

seconal combined with other substances  particularly alcohol  can slow breathing and possibly lead to death 

hed watched women pass in a crosswalk before his car that slowed his breathing  imagining em fucking him to death 

probably good thing he was being cremated otherwise the mortician wouldnt be able to get that lurid fuckin smile off his face making children crywhy  they didnt  know making men clear their throats hem andhawandsigh deeply  making women wet  Close his coffin  Hes making dying look rewarding mighty attractive  Hedon look like hes going to meet his Maker looks like hes gonna bugger Him 

                                           but  he    digresses

 

secondly  he kept pets

he took damn good care of his pets 

                                    they would be cats no interest in dogs 

dogs reminded him of slavery 

                                rather  they exhibit slavish devotionloyalty to their Master 

hed shoot hisself in the head rather than follow massa or Dear Leader 

cats are wholly independent  as he

get up in his shit

Buhbye baby byebye

but caring for his pets  watering feeding grooming 

                                                      changing their boxes so theyd be clean  they satisfied his paternal needs  now that his children were older on their own having cleared the bar he and his wife heldup to be decent intelligent human beings

but ofcourse they would

they were young women 

that said 

          even dreaming he wouldnt be kept or in a relationship with a inarticulate woman

hed wake in a sweat in a heartbeat 

                                      Buhbye baby byebye

1137,  Saturday,  16  1. 21

1331,  Sunday,  17  1. 21

 

Awshit scuse me   I ah didnt meandidnt expect  to ah  interrupt ya

the tree gruntedfroze in midcurl

Yawanna finish out I can wait aint going anywheres special  No ticktock no time constraints

it jerked its crown right indicating him to proceed  some dried leaves shook free a squirrels nest shifted

I am sorry  Excuse me

the tree grunted again

after he passed behind it and was out of the way he glanced back

the tree went back to curling a rectangular slab of concrete with its roots that it had broke free years ago

often passing hed smell tree sweat

hed stop and look at the tree

it played dumb

first time he caught it in action 

                               though over the twelve or something years hed been passing this waydescending the broken sidewalk and steps he suspected as much

a nice treat    

1500-ish,  Thursday,  31  12. 20

1349,  Saturday,  16  1. 21