affirmations

affirmations

                      bitched by affirmations

hed almost been affirmed to death by relentless podcast charlatans
Really, Dadu, you aren’t getting the message?

Sorry baby I donwant their message Your cup of tea  Not mine

he didnt hurt her feelings
                           rather he saw disappointment crowd her huge eyes
                                                                                  which is to say he disappointed her hugely he was not esoteric he didnt buy into feng shu harmony  he preferred disorder chaos
                                                                                                      all this shit is a matter of taste she had her mothers tastes

I think they offer valid, critical help.

And if I maybe so blunt  for a price
                                       Maybe if they took a vow of poverty I might considerwhat you insist is their spiritual prowess

Maybe, if I maybe so blunt he pissed her off  if you’d just listen you might learn something.

Aw baby I prefer to find things that tickle me then teach myself You were always an excellent student I know you recall my report cards  I was notI struggled 

They teach you how to help yourself.

For a price

The only price I incur is my time anmy time is too precious to try an iron out an innocuous prejudice I have

Like vegetarians?

Thatll learn yahuh
                    she had vigorously insisted that he shouldnt disallow a date with a woman because they were vegetarian being a vegetarian shouldnt be a dealbreaker as he insisted it would be
                                                                                         an now he was dating one she didnt like because hallie was younger than her

Like Life coaches he asked
                             he knew he was retaliating these podcast mavens who lead people around by their pocketbooks and noses
                         if they didnt have a pocketbook they couldnt to saddle up
                                                                                       theres a real service to the humanity that they say they seek for others

Life coaches pissed him off
                             paid friends
                                           he wished he had a carnival-sizeclowny-sized gavel to bring down on the heads of people to force cease-an-desist an stop them from takin bowel-full-sized quaffs of smoke up their ass between their widespread cheeks that they willingly spread

                                             an anus is a terrible thing to waste

a taut strawberryblonde scrambled onto his lap

they had parried a couple times at the bar Do I know you Sounds like a line. I don’t know, do you know me? Ya look familiar You look familiar. But I dont know you  Gretchen. she extended her handplaced her drink in her left Joe he shook her hand a nice firm grip somebodyhe hoped her old man taught her right Good to meet you Gretchen You too, Joe. he sidestepped her to order his pint and a shot of Writers Tears Black Sheeps bartenders poured generously this was his bar

halfhour or so later Gretchen came over to the booth where he sat at its edge with friends

she sat uninvited on his lap

THAT was alright
                    her ass was firm I fit nice. she said
If yare fishing Id say ya fit nice because ya got a nice ass

Thank you?  her eyes narrowed

Youre welcome You can take a compliment

Thank you.

Youre welcome

he introduced her around the table

their eyes rolled

they werent inobvious

coy is wasted on the cool it ought to be dispersed like a One-A-Day vitamin

Gretchens lightweight bright unassuming voluptuousness grew heavy and heavier as their conversation wandered wide and near
          he was finding he didnt like her to be fair he hit her in the mouth with sex politics and religion at the get go

he finally asked the question he loathed to ask and rarely did though it was copiously asked of him
                                                                                                          Soah Gretchen whadaya do to make a living

cheerily she answered I’m a successful Life coach. I have lots and lots of clients.

Youah  fishing

Excuse me?

No You know fishing  You know the context Im using it in

the cheeriness evaporated

her incandescence began failing

her attractiveness began drying up like a bitten apple left in the sun

she scowled

scowls dont look good on anyone

she began to look like someone who was punished with a mouthful of Thistlewoods Derbys dose  
                                                                                                                 not amendable to Writers Tears

he didnt submit

her look was something to behold

didnt look like it tasted good

I help a lot of people.

Youre a friend for a price

My friendships doncost them a penny

Were friends
              he had to get her off his lap before she crushed his legs

he slipped his arm under her legsthe crook of her knees his other around her back his hand just beneath her right breasthe could feel its weight at his fingertips
                                                 and stoodup

gently he released her legs so she could find the floor

she rolled rightrolled her breast into his hand

hed like to say he didnt notice but he noticed 
                                                There you go Back onto your own two good legs Gretchen Aesthetically youre something nearly without peer But  something   It was fascinating meeting you

he couldnt say what he saw on her face
                                           two parts contempt one part bafflement a squeeze of disgust shaken not stirred  maybe a dollop of anger or rage     

he couldnt say he wasnt a bartender

he had to get its name 

he didnt want to mistakenly order one

oops over crushed ice  struggling with rejection

she wasnt a baby to throw out with the bathwater
                                                      he thought that usually her bathwater was drank

0452, Sunday,  16  2. 20

1441,  Monday,  17  8. 20

FerChristsake Live in LA?   Somebody shoot me

just the thought exhausted him

all he ever tried to do was pass through it a museum a bite to eat a visit  maybe an overnight

                                                                                                     but that aint living in it

he could tolerate metropolises

                                but he preferred Podunk towns their atmospheric bars and outhouses around back

to live he needed a small place groceries library a simple bar to occasionally inhabit for a pint and footballhe needed room to stretch his legs without squawking traffic or the presscrush of humanity

his humanity was often too much to wrestle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u40r9dBEQtE   

he rented a small house it fit his possessions those things external to his body but every bit as important as his lungs his beating heart 

he had a live and let live attitude

                                   but little or no patience if someone thought to tread on him thought that was operational he was pushed from behind by the notion give em an inch an theyll take a mile he didnt give halfaninch

his old man invested little in him  two things a movin target is hard to hit anif a fight is imminent land the first blow

he was accused of starting fights

he disagreed

               I was ending them

because he was easy to readhe wore his heart on his sleeve he wasnt a gambler  and not being a gambler he frankly couldnt see how anyone might plead ignorance or say they didnt see what they provoked coming

his grandfathers pet name for him was firecracker  That boy’s a real firecracker.

full grown

             he was dynamite

0606,  Sunday,  16  2. 20

1104,  Twosday,  18  6. 20

Timi Yuro  Make the World Go Away

the Thai place usually had its shit together so he didnt check the order when he left

the same two girls at the counter that hed worked with before

it wasnt a hectic night on the floor

Green Basil two orders of Combination Fried Rice two orders of Spring Rolls

You’re missing a Spring Roll.

Fuck

      Callem up Im heading back over   Is the hot sauce there

rustle of a deep paper bag

Nope.

An order of Spring Rolls and hot sauce please Im on my way

on his way he gathered his cool he hated to have to doublecheck seemingly everyone its simple  do your fuckin job
when someone went to doublecheck him he walked off he wasnt gonna hang aboutwaste his time because when he did a job he did it thoroughly nobody was tougher on him than he was

                                                                       he needed oversight like he needed a hole in the head

apparently he was a queer duck that way

he liked to imagine this horseshit rather than being incompetence was the age-old game the butcher with his thumb on the scale people gaming others and when caught ya gotta catchem first feigning surprise feigning humble apologies then setting things straight 

everyone tries to get up on someone  thats the American Way

                                                                 he wished he knew who first uttered it hed break their jaw If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.

                                           really hard to say with your jaw wired shutsuckin food through a straw

he was on his way

                    Trouble Trouble  Right here in River City

he always wanted to go to River City

for the trouble not the music

he didnt enjoy Robert Preston until he saw him perform in Victor/Victoria Preston was a scream he couldnt help but wonder if Bobby didnt let his freak flag fly

freak flag

           hed been waving his around long before he ever heard of it 

a peace freak a freaknik  he opposed Nam

                                               a war of opportunity for the United States not a tumbling Communist domino it was or what should be known as Americas capitalist brand a brand on a cows fanny the Military-Industrial complex Eisenhower bleated about  he knew about war

that wasnt to say he was against a good fight

                                                 even if he was a longhaired peacenik 

he liked goading bigmouth crewcuts provoking them funny they didnt know what was going on

                                                                                                      he acted afraid he shivered made his eyes moist  they were bolstered by their numbers they must have thought they were walking into a flowerbed

            kindalike flowers

nettles spiked spiny thorny  sometimes a sap or knuckles  gifts from his old man who had to collect insurance payments door to door

poor so-sure slobs

                   they walked into a freak maelstrom that they werent likely to talk about afterwards getting pounded by a freak a pantywaist

                          some teeth scattered like Chiclets  longhanging slobbers off busted lips

Christ Those were the days

Yah Stopping back for a missing order of Spring Rolls and several hot sauces please Someone dropped the ball

1731,  Saturday,  15  2. 20

1123,  Monday,  17  8. 20

Ya Got Trouble  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI  

Are you sure?

he was

they werent they repeated themselves  Are you sure?

he hated to repeat himself so he was sure his words didnt come out kindly  I am

as they repeated themselves againfull speed aheadheads down like a bull at a cape he quietly set out the empty drug syringe the half-emptied water syringe and beside them the log in which two hours earlier he notated the last morphine dosage

he quietlyunperturbed set out the evidence which assured them he did what he said he did that they questioned

they had the question

hed already provided the answer

Are you sure?

              they were mumbling

they were on morphine 

                                Can you . .

. . Why don I say I spilled the prescription

You'd say that?

Id say it once

Are you sur . .

. . Ya really wanna test me on this

                                     Both of ya go to bed Ill buy ya four hours Then Im turnin in

This goes no furthur

as they stumbled off he could have kicked himself

                                                    they beat him to the punch

hed have to leave his morphine experience to the distant past

Hospice would be pissed a prescription of morphine was dumped  but the two knew no one who knew how to exercise some fuckin inquisitor with righteous indignation than he

I spilt it

How much?

I donknow it dumped  as I told you 

I mopped it up with a paper towel 

Ive no idea what amount was in the vial when it dumped or a guess wharemained

You understand morphine is a controlled substance.

We’ll have to notify the DEA.

Yah Go ahead  You notify them I caught my heel on the cart and dumped the vial Im happy to talk to them an tell em verbatim wha Ive told you

Were contendin here with a bigger issue an the DEA is the least of our concerns  Excuse me for sayin so maybe impertinent but the DEA under this administration aint coverin or regulatin a gawddamn thing

0733,  Saturday,  15  2. 20

0119, Monday,  17  8. 20

Nina Simone  Sinnerman  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH3Fx41Jpl4          

he was attracted to the title of a book A Rebours by Joris-Karl Huysmans he would be  A rebours translates to Against Nature

                  sometimes the best thing about a book is its title

like people one meets on the street

intriguing names

best thing about them

then a little work to forget them

titles lead him astray too often

his anticipation is corrupted – ainticipation – the pageswords within the cover fall flat fall on their face and hes disinclined to help them up or encourage them

he prefers to let them find their own feet if they can

                                                     he crosses his fingers that maybe then theyll succeed and be what their title intimated

intimated

subtle

not flashy or garish

                   not whorish

he was animated by his voyeuristic nature his tendencies  the inside of a wrist an elbow an armpit a pulse at the throat the scent of freshbrushed then tousled hair  the unspoken realm painted by eyecontact

                                                                                                    she they cast their eyes down when they meet and refuse to raise them againrefuse to let their silent eyes speak to covey what they would

many times he was told he was mistaken or brazen

                                                        Tell you what have a drink with me and well sit and we dont have to talk We can gaze into each others eyes an then lets see what they have to say

No.

That isnt risqué

No.  No thank you.

at least they were polite

he always accepted No

he didnt mind if they were polite or frantically brusqueabrasive they were always in control evenif they didnt think they were

too bad they were fearful of what their id might have tried to communicate

                                                                               they suffer their captivity

perhaps theyre alarmed by his freedom

                                         asif women arent free

they would be if they spent time with him

A Rebours 

he had no idea what it meant then

he just liked it

liked how it fit in his eyes

1803,  Thursday,  13  2. 20

1348,  Sunday,  16  8. 20

he struggled with her illness 

he was haplessly  

violently he wanted to blame  to blame someonesome  thing

blame

        it was really very human of him perhaps the best thing to do was drop it  solve if possible what was wrong

Whats wrong

she knew he knew   there was no righting this no solving it

                                                                  it would only end

it was no ones fault no ones blame

were born an that which we are is baked in the cake

                                                         we cannot escape our geneticsour muthafucking DNA

ALS  it stole her voice her strength to holdup her head her right arm now it was dragging on her lungsher breathing but it didnt affect her legs and with her help she made their caring of her easier than otherwise it would have been

she was his hero

he wouldnt be anywhere else in the world

they were able to acquire an eyegaze machine

                                               she had been texting with her left hand but her dexterity was failing rapidly if it had not been for the machine she would have nakedly only had her eyes to communicate her needs

her needs exceeded words

                            fortunately she had always been so very expressive with her eyes

                                                                                                   to say she had that in spades would have been an understatement

it was very scifi

                 Sterlings Shaper-Mechanists universe posthuman beings either augmented genetically and psychologically or by cybernetic hardware computer software and drugs the Mechanists were Lobsters and wireheads

the two campstheir ethics were so violently split that they warred

he wondered where she might have come down

                                                 she was uniquely drawn to heady esoteric realms yet worked and played plugged-in

they didnt have that conversation

one of so many conversations they didnt have because ofcourse  they had all the time in the world

still he was curious

                      it called into existence his viability 

youthful invincibility is shaken by others deaths 

when your child is dying before your eyes you wonder how you ever conceived of being invinciblewhy the word even exists

it describes nothing meaningful 

he like everyone is a pawn

1431,  Thursday,  13  2. 20

1122,  Sunday,  16  8. 20

McCoy Tyner  Inner Glimpse  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HzzNgnM-yk

Say It Aint So Joe was playing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI3Zi056PuM on the stereo as his sister busied herself in a corner of the room

he couldnt see what she was tidying up

                                           she was notorious for keeping clean cleaner

Lu he barked at her back

she was in a safe place so she didnt startle not that that was his intent

he sat down on the sofa across from her

                                            Lu Stop your putzing aroundyour spitshine on something thats embarrassed by its cleanliness and keens for dust or dirt so not to have to recognise its naked soul

she scooted back on her kneesher haunches pushed her elbows back towards each otherarched her back if he wasnt her brother he might have wished he was clandestinely hidden in the corner to admire her stretch and how her large breasts pressed an reconfigured her blouse

                                               A bit of a pain in the ass, aren’t you, brother?

No Why don you busy your ass over to the couch and sit with me and listen to the song  I didnt know you knew it

I don’t. The record was on the turntable, somebody didn’t put it away when they were done listening to it . .

. . They may have gotten lucky

You’re the only one I know who repeatedly gets lucky . . so I thought why not give it a listen. Actually this is its second time through.

she sat down beside him

he put his arm up around her

she leaned her head onto his shoulder

So you donknow the song

No. I don’t. I do like it however; your name is in it.

they cuddled together and listened

before 7AM,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  29  7. 20

1717,  Saturday,  15  8. 20

Murray Head

A pretty piece to a puzzle, huh? To own it, you may have to die. 

                                                                      You interested?

Who or whats doin the killin  You

Weighing your odds?

Qualifyin my risk

Wouldn’t it be more fun, not knowing?

Howbout this I accept Take it  An take you out

                                                      That cant be fun knowinhuh

So violent his feathers ruffled

Youre makin the threat I don take kindly to threatscant imagine anyone would  Meet violence with violence I don know any other way

I can’t say.

I just did

         So maybe youll want to restate your proposition A pretty piece to a puzzlehuh To own it youll have to kill me

I dare you

I . . I . I don’t think I will.

See how smart you are

                          Deals off the table

Yes.

      I thought you’d be more humourous.

The puzzle piece was enticingno doubt But its only a small piece without context  Youre not looking for humourous Youre looking for foolish An my Maw didnt raise a foolish boy

he screwed up his face as he fingered the piece maybe contemplating another term another way of saying

An not raising a foolish boymuch to her chagrin always came up to bite her in the ass when she tried to manipulate me Yadon good work Maw Id tell her

Shed tell me to shaddup

I think this is where Im gonna tell you to shaddup

                                                     Save yourself Id rather not employ things I was taught to use in the jungle

I’m taking the piece with me.

Im not tempted

0109,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  5  8. 20

1456,  Saturday,  15  8. 20