17.10.23


things were lost in transition

not translation
                 were  those kind of things
gutted
        willing to transition

or gutted an knocked down


  Will you transition?

Lemme think about it

Should have thought about it earlier. We’re not asking again.

he didnt like its fixed machineface
                                   quickly smashed it with a ironore railroad spike  last centurys  it wouldnt have recognised as lethal 
                     stomped it deep through its neuralnetwork blueghostlightning worked up it shaft
he deftly stomped again trusting its ability to cryout communicate was severed by the violent penetration  then he stepped backanaway an kicked it in the head with his steeltoed boot  so fuckingrateful it wasnt a human skull
that would have made him puke

   willing to transition

he wasnt 
             not a hope in Hell
1415 close,  2sday,  17  10. 23
2319,  2sday
Morgan James  If You Don’t Know Me by Now  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzncBq3nQxo
Rachel Price  Can’t Find My Way Home  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xZxxVlu7BM


   recurrent  a drone in his ears across his eyes  if muscles arent exercised they atrophy if muscles arent exercised they atrophy if muscles arent exercised the atrophy . . . 

it was distracting

What are you thinking?

he sighed was with him all night long  If muscles arent exercise they atrophy  a real trophy
                                                                                                 Goes for ones brain too

took it personallyhe sneered You think you’re telling me something I don’t know?

Wha
Something I don’t know.

   Ah  Yasay ya donwanna work tha hard

You’re, as you always do, are taking it to an extreme.

I wasnt But extreme paints undeniable pictures  Its hard to look away from
                                                                                  Pursuits are up to you
They do not fall in your lap.

Thank you

So, extreme is as extreme does, since the end of your last relationship you expecting a woman to fall into your lap?

I do not

When are you going to pickup, no pun intended, your pursuits?

Im not got things to do

You are not?

Thas wha I said

   That makes no sense, I’ve seen numerous women look after you check you out.

Thas flattering thas nice
                           Not interested

You’re not interested in getting laid?

Youre not 
             Not to put too fine a point on it yare tryin as hard as I donwanna work tha hard allows 

he sneered Clever. I’ll repeat myself you’re not interested in getting laid?

Because thaswha women are for 
                                     No  Not at the cost of a relationship time invested   I havent time
Of course you do.

Of course you do I don


What if . .
. . Im not entertaining hypotheticals

Humor me.

Not even to humour you Its off the table
                                           To each his own I havent time  I have priorities

But you’ll minimise mine?

Did I say tha

It feels . .
. . I don care how it feels I didnt say tha don put words in my mouth  tha doesnt fly with me

   I apologize.
                 So. If I can ask.  What are you spending time doing?

Im trying to figure out Structuralism Levi-Strauss Derrida Foucault Deleuze Post-Structuralism  Im not havin much luck

   So much for atrophy.

Yes

0520,  2sday,  17  10. 23
1239,  2sday


back to back restless nights restless dreams
                                                       Eileen  a piece of work
worked at the Recycle Center
was hired a yearyear  abit better than a year ago
                                                      looked overqualified for the job
if looks had anything to do with it

he understood she was crackerjack at the books numbers easy to her

they were with him too

it became a game they played who could compute the numbers correctly quicker in their heads

on any given day except today a coinflip since realising their mutual petpeeve
                                                                                 itd become a nifty competition

Look what the cat dragged in.
he looked quickly over his shouderbehind him
                                                 turning back he smiled Me  You talkin to me
You’re the only one here.

Are you  arya talkin to me

they thought they were pretty funny


she clobbered him
Ya crushed me

Did. Though when I said look at what the cat dragged in I meant it. You look beat.

Im exhausted
               Dreams have been unrelentingeach an every damn one wants a piece of me Whadaya think of tha  they shake me up so I wake turn on the lamp write em down an as I do I say out loud See  Yasee wha Im doin okay  Now gimme some time lemme dig in an Ill get back to ya let ya know wha I think

Curious. You think they’re listeningthey can hear you?

Fingers crossed  Though tryin to reenter roll back to sleep theyre leaning backs against the wallarms crossedheel up on it expectant asif by writin em down Ive handled their asks
                                                               Tell em again Ive written em down Ill get back to ya
Anyway I lay there eyes closed watch palegray ghost sheens bubbleup float through the black Theyre entertaining for a while then they cease I look around Pitch black But I wont open my eyes  Its exhausting

You fall back to sleep?

   Eventually

Eileen looked bemused

Whas up

she cleared her throat
                         Know what I do?

When you cant fall asleep

Yeah.

No  Wha

she gave a quicklaugh shook her head she couldnt toss her dimples smiled
                                                                                Iah masturbate.
he barked a laugh though he hadnt dimples 
                                                  So do I he nodded So do I   Eventually I fall asleep
We ought to get together kiddin her     

turning to the counter she picked up a business card wrote on it handed it to him

he looked at itat her
                      backing away the card between two finger he tipped it to his forehead a salute   Ill call ya

See that you do.

b4 6,  2sday,  17  10. 23
1045,  2sday
Lee Morgan  Since I Fell for You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-0i-ianljw
Brad Mehldau Trio  Since I Fell for You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RShj9RTSYMA

16.10.23


he couldnt nod offNope
                        spent a week backEast Midwest two hour time difference              

while he was there he treated it as real time

when the sidewalks rolledup no one wandered the neighbourhood he squeezed those two hours for all they were worth

when his father said goodnight at Eleven Nine his time he rolled with Ninehed recoup when he got home it was only a week  hed cheat himself

at Home
         he couldnt lie to his catsthey were on him queen october  she poked him with the tine of a nailtapped the crystal of her Atomic watch with it Let’s get a move on, Poncho. Time to rise an shine like ya like to say.

Poncho. thats what they affectionately called him
                                                           wondered what their unaffectionate appellation was  
yah Poncho okay he was no Cisco Kid
                                         Wha time is it
Time you got on your feet/off your ass an fed us, we’re starving.  You’re obliged.

cats arent as independent as they think he thought 
                                                       Who said we think?we’re woundup. We intuit, you get into it. We’re Nature’s Way.
Me too

Don’t flatter yourself.

Coudbe

Shut your piehole. Time to eat.

Yes Okay   as he said he only cheated himself
                                                   which reminded him of some forgotten chucklehead who at some forgotten time said I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

hed be dead

that aint sleep

a dirt nap

Jesus . .
. . Not now a mariachi

You return to the city return a gangster  Yare gonnabe cremated

Were going to be cremated

You croak we jump ship

threw him a curve
                   he had trouble hitting curves laid down bunts had the speed to beat the throw 

whawas mariachis name was no Nat King Cole forgettable guys remember girls names guys didnt have a thing he wanted anif a guy remembered his name he was suspect nothing on his menu for them   a bust in the mouth remembered her Davida a Jewess from Brooklyn howd they pack all that on her small frame he wisecracked something crass Yawanna a bust in the mouth? he eyeballed her breasts she cracked him across the face openhanded immediately felt bad she did I’m sorryso sorry, can I help you feel better? I’ve never slapped anyone before.
he thought first time for everything  eyeballed her breasts again
                                                                    she cracked him a second time 
he didnt see guysthey didnt exist

it was later when Davida called him criminally hetero

   feeling badcompounded she agreed to go out with him

criminally hetero
                   she had good reason

on their first date he ravished her

she asked
            he ravished her a second time
Ravished?

Whawoud you call it

I’ve never been before.
                        he felt bad for her
though to her creditfor her part she was willing well-oiled  supple
                                                                      had he known he would have begun slower but  one bitehe craved her ate her like messy ribsgnawed her to the bonesnapped em sucked out her marrow

   afterwards  thats how she wanted to be taken


it was only a matter of time before she mentioned she had become was bondagecurious
        
in the air approaching Phoenix – 1400,  day-between-2-Ts,  20  9. 23
1303,  Monday,  16  10. 23
Nat King Cole  Unforgettable  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF7kOq0peAU


Its Monday

  It is

Hmm  You don sound so enthused

Im not

   Howbout   Moanday Is tha bettermore appropriate
Spot on

Whas up

Im exhausted Dreams tagteamed me all night long an to boot closed out with Manic Monday

The Bangles thas awesome

Maybe if I hadnt been cowed Its been manic since midnight
                                                               An comon  a cute all-girl band shows me the door  Too upbeat after my night

   Can I ask

Yaknow  Sure
               Ill say this  Just before they ushered me out a sonorous voice spoke over undulatingblack nothing on the screen  If you can lift one finger, you can lift a hand. If you can lift a hand, you can lift two. If you can lift two hands, you can get others to help.

Whell shit Wha the hells tha supposed to mean

Im chewin on it

Profound

   I don know
                   I don know
But beat the pants off floating on a translucent green sea on a giant icingwhite marshmallowbathing  in a clawfoot bathtub of lukewarm onion soup  trying to flee a yakuza in a junkyard maze of heaped rusted smashed dismembered cars and trucks  which concluded with me shooting him in the face through his upraised hand

   If you can lift a hand . .

he stilled him with an exhausted look

Too soon

Abit
      Though somewhere inside your blackhumour is appreciated

AM-all-AM,  Moanday,  16  10. 23
1046,  Moanday

15.10.23


words played with him
                          they were schoolground playmates who chummedround in the dirt and woodchips swanghigh on the swing set collapsed its chains did not fall  they hurled themselves down the slides leaptup onto the steelbar jungleggyms and went around and through it like spidermonkeys  to see what they could get away with 
                                                                                                                or not
tumult  a dandy fat word 
                             tumultuous
tumult 
         tubbulbous occurred to him Thas not a word  It is  Tumultloving Tumultamorous Those arent words either To me they are  Ya know wha they mean evenif they arent proper arent  stuck inside dictionaries 
                                                                                                   dictionaries ought to spread their wingsthrow wideopen their doors embracehug enthusiasm  squeeze enthusiasticenthusiasts Gesundheit tight   Gott schutze dich

he wasnt troubled admitting they werent officially words 
                                                             but if they could find their way come out of him
he could print them
 
   why not


tumult tickled him 
                    whenever he read it his mind would challenge him  Think you can do this  and catapulted itself from the swing  stuck its heels in the woodchips but landed hard on its ass  that meant splinters  No Do you mean like this  he missed the landing too   more splinters

tumult  read turgid

tumult  read turbid

tumult  read torpid

                              they loved what it prompted

no fucking idea – this year sometime
2035,  Sunday,  15  10. 23


on the phone
               . . . Hold on hold on . .
What?

Really

Really what?

You kiddin me

What am I kidding about?

his daughter she was a kidder
                                  as a matter of fact when she was younger she regularly poked the bear took him to the edge of his patience to her peril went over it more than a few timesOH SHIT! shed break into a run flee   smart grrl
running like a bat out of hell she usually disarmed himmade him laughnot that she saw then hed have to reconstitute his anger put on a grim face think of an appropriate punishment only shit thing about being a parent  though rarely  either of his grrls

You did say garlic

Garlic.

Garlic for breakfast You worried about daylight vampires

Aint your Dracula Bela Lugosi these days Papa.

There is tha there is  tha

Yes. Thank you.

Really though

Yes. Usually weekends, can’t go to the office breath smelling like . . well . garlic.

But then you have remote days

I do.

Ever on remote daysever on a Sunday  your day of rest

You riffin'?

I am

Stop. Only entertaining yourself.

I do tha on occasion

Occasion? Virtually every time we talk.

Speaking virtually  Ever on a remote day

Thank you.
              You know . . . I don’t think so . . if I think . . no . not on a remote day.

Because they can smell your breath over video or tha other thing

ZOOM.

Yahtha  ZOOM

Tickles you.

It does cuz Ill never use it

Never?

Yes  An I said so to illustratebecause you know I try not saying it my contempt dislike

So nevernever ever never ever everever  never?

Never ever
            Forgot those

You’re a kook.

Im your kook

Kookie Papa.

Lend me your comb

Again?

77 Sunset Strip

No.

Baby youre the ginchiest

I don’t have a clue.

Garlic for breakfast Me either

1020,  Saturday,  30  9. 23
1141,  Sunday,  15  10. 23
Connie Francis  Never On a Sunday  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSL6YNCU4bc
Connie Stevens/Ed Brynes  Kookie, Kookie Lend Me Your Comb  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiYj9Ods4OQ


Awright awright then let me be patently succinct 
                                                   How many times have you been slapped by a woman

Slapped? What are you talking aboutwhy slapped?

Whawere talkin bout  Your incessant imperiling prudishness

I am not a pru . .
. . I am not a prude I am a human being  David Lynch Elephant Man   You are

I’m not.

Saying not doesnt make it sohow many times ya duck a priest after hearing their footstepstheir Hellos their Whos there echoing through the nave where yave been making out with a girl baby its cold outside Once upon a time church doors were unlocked

his expression Ive lived my whole life in California it doesnt get that cold

   Awright
            How many times have you had a cop rap on your car window with his nightstick or flashlight say Break it up lets move along breaking up you makin out gettin laid in the backseat

Never. That’s against the law.  That’s indecent exposure.

Whas indecent is tha there shouldnt be a law forbidding people from having pleasure in a car Kahrist
                                                                                                            Ever been to Lovers Lane ever makeout at a Drive-In ever on a blanket in the Forest Preserves in a park  Ever screw outdoors
That’s what beds are for.
BEDS
      Not on a couch in a kitchen in a laundryroom On a diningroom table
PRUDE man  A cardcarrying prude

1253,  Reggaefriday,  29  9. 23
1052,  Sunday,  15  10. 23

14.10.23


she answered

he thought she might not

his mother knew what she liked and she wasnt hip on Patricia

Hello.

Hiya  Youre pretty noncommittal
                                    This is Joe my Maw said Id call Patricia

I don’t go by Patricia.

Then you should say She told me Patricia

What else did she tell you?

She said your mother said youd seen me out somewhere an wondered who I was Mothers talk

They talk a bluestreak.

I understand they know each other from AA

notPatricia burst out laughing
                                Wouldn’t that be the shit? You’re funny.
You can take a mother joke

I can, I’m not touchy.

Youre also not Patricia

No.

So
    I woudnt think Tricia either

Oh God no.
            I go by Trixx.

Like the cereal not I C K I X

Actually I X X.

I like that
           Interested in meeting somewhere You name the place

You’re not going to press me, pick me up at my house?

I woudnt pick a trick up at her house

   How did you spell that?

Meet me an Ill tell ya


they met hit it off  had a three casual datesgave each other room

sixth it was the sixthNO  seventh date
                                             they related

afterwards he called her Trixxx
                                   was their inside joke

his mother wasnt hip

b4 7,  Reggaefriday,  29  9. 23
1659,  Saturday,  14  10. 23


routine aint a bad thing

he recognised it was a mainstaycritical to him
                                                 not that he didnt mind occasional changeups
however he recognised he was an introvert
enjoyed his own company
                            but
he could be performative

be extroverted


What do you mean performative?

Youre a big boy you get it
                            I didnt enjoy it enough to become an actor but I could play a part 

So you really prefer being on your own?

Youre still living at home

   Home. What do you mean?

Youve livedexcept for college within twenty miles of where you were born
                                                                              Family  Friends
It took me twenty years to escape

Do you really mean escape?
I do
       The last ten were toughest because I knew I meant escape
I was given three tremendous opportunities  I didnt even have to think about em despite them being gold But any meant I would have to stay

You could have made your gold and then left.

I would have been older Coudnt woudnt sell my youth  An had I I woud have established a routine which woud have been agonising to break
                            Good to know thabout ones self

Well, if you weren’t here I’d call bullshit.

Routine
Ruetine
Rudetine
Ruttine
         Rut

Ive never – an I dislike the word – never felt Ive been in a rut
                                                                 Had I stayed home I woud have been

0900,  Reggaefriday,  29  9. 23
1357,  Saturday,  14  10. 23
Tower of Power  So Very Hard to Go  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbyKxiVvpaE


   oaths
         he tended to swingwide of such organisations

he humourously continuously recalls Groucho Marx
                                                      I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
secondplace Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

he did pledge Allegiance to the United States of America
                                                           and for that the United States would have to endure his probing and questions and demand of evidence
he didnt jump through hoops until he was convinced
that was no small task

   he was reading The Free World: Art and Thought in the Cold War Cold War, what’s that? by Louis Menand  page 192 first paragraph
                 In 1953, GAP (Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry) under the leadership of William Menninger was charged – didnt say who – to discuss the psychological effects of loyalty oaths seemed redundant to him they determined “(they were) only one manifestation in a growing general trend towards enforcement of conformity of thinking and acting.” “Loyalty oaths cause psychological damage: they endangered the development of the ego by restricting access to ‘the object world,’ distort the development of a ‘workable super-ego’ by ‘emphasizing the external threat at the expense of self-responsibility,’ and threaten ‘the ego-ideal’ appropriate to a free and democratic society by introducing increasingly contradictory ideals and depreciating the image and model value of the teacher.’”

made perfect sense to him Yeah right, what’s an ego? Never you mind   questioners ripe for an oath

late Sunday night,  1  10. 23
1158,  Saturday,  14  10. 23
Cat Stevens  Longer Boats  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRC8lqtBXCA

   a good book  not "the" good book   theres a difference