the winter mist outside sifted like fine vague sand

its grit softenedsoftened to gauze and silver and slivered and sparkled with the rising sun

no birds this morning

that was hard to take

they must have been holding tight to their roosts or nests feathercuddling

this morning reminded him of a morning years ago on the Wisconsin river a Summertime jaunt with a buddy who became his brotherinlaw briefly

                                  who emitted a big GULP when he showed at the house one evening and was there to see his sister

Wha . . when did this happen he didnt wait for an answer

No matter

Cool  Kool

later on another Wisconsin River trip  at an Indian barthe bartender told them You white guys got to beat it by Seven when my regular clientele shows

Saywha

Your sister is pregnant.

EXCITEMENT

               then doused in cold waterSTUPID he knew betterhe knew about the birds and bees heteros homos and lezs lions tigers and bears he knew about flowers and trees and the moon up above and a thing called Love

                                                                                                                  XCEPT

aint no loving without a rubber

Ya fuckin stupid it escaped his mouth Yatwo aint married asif married had anything to do with conception or fuckingettin knocked up

Ya fuckin stupid there must have been an Echo hiding in the bar

then

sternly

he said Whadaya talkin about

I got your sister pregnant.

Whadaya two thinkin

We’re going to get married.

Married

Yeah.

Why

Why?

       She’s preg . .

. . YOURE PREGNANT

                       She aint pregnant by herself Your child Youre pregnant To Marry Why You havent said word one about love Ya discuss options

Options?

Abortion

Abortion? You want us to abort your niece or nephew?

Abort the fetus aint blood til its born Yareally wanna fuckup three lives when two can be restored   Healed

their yipping and yapping took them past Seven

the bar slowly filled

they were oblivious

on stools at the bar they were a cancerous bubble bleeding all over the sawdust floor spoiling Running Deers Black Bears yamida yamidayamida Red Feathers boots

pausing for a breath he saw the bartender eyeball him  Hey Chief  he called him that during the day he believed he was in fact a chief Two whiskies please

You go. You boys settle up. Go.  Leave, as I asked you earlier.

he looked around 

he saw men not Indians

thing about it was that Indians saw two white men spoiling their barintruding on their space

Chief was keenly aware  Settle up.

drunkenly he said Moneys on the bar Plenty for two more whiskys

No. Settle. You go.

FIREWATER PLEASEsuddenly there was no air a crush of bodies he became buoyant could see over his toes roiled snatched from his bar stool his buddy floating on his belly five feet in the air then WOOSHsilence airborn hurled bodily through the swinging door clearing the porch into the dirt in a heap  No thats my leg

they slowly stood weaved back and forthback and forth

their pockets were turned inside outwhen did that happen  Indian magic

his buddy finally said Real sharp. Firewater?

Yah I couldnt help myself

then his buddy recognised their pockets were turned inside out

                                                                  he must have been really loaded Fuck. They got all my dough.

All your dough Yabrought all your dough with ya

I did. he looked up at the bar  the swinging doors were still swung outward  I aint going back in.

Nah Me neither Chumpchange

Chumpchange? That’s all the money I had.

All the money you had Yafuckin kiddin me

What? Leave money in the tent?

Not in the car

What? 

The car You an asshole

Why would I leave money in the car?

Good question

                            Because you wouldnt leave it in the tent

Shit.

Sounds like youre really prepared to be a father he stroked the air with a finger  Tally Abortion

I wasn’t thinking.

Christ  Seems not thinking is your forte

then over it

            he dusted himself off weaved over to his buddys ChevyVega leaning on it he pulled off a boot reached down inside it and extracted a thin fold of bills three Benjamins

he said And asshole Ive more money in the tent Were safe and sound

the silvered morning reminded him of a rowboat lazing towards him as he bathed naked in the shallows 

                                                                                                              he had a bar of soap washcloth  a towel in a tree overhanging the river

a woman pulled at the oars

he recognised her from the haphazard beach down from the lodge and bar that ran the campground his tent was in

two days earlier she wound her way down from one of the cabins on the bank overlooking the river couldnt have missed her

he caught her as soon as she came outdoors

she was stunning stunning in her brightwhite knitted bikini  peekaboo

they had quite the conversation before her boyfriend joined her

she had placed her blanket beside his HELLO THERE

her boyfriend didnt join her as much as encourage her to leave the beach he thought a DUCK ride would be fun

                                                                                                                     a DUCK a World War Two – era Dells Army amphibious vehicle

she wasnt impressed she said

so he impressed upon her he wasnt asking

the slight looked like it hurt 

she winced

she was facing him so her boyfriend didnt see

Maybe she said quietly  we’ll run into each other again.

THAT WOULD BE COOL

her boyfriend eyeballed him but it was possible the black eye he was wearing from the Indian bar let things ride  a pitiful eyeballing

if he was him he wouldnt have been a cunt about her being on the beach 

but if she was with him hed be damn sure she was occupied and happy her hands too full to try and juggle yet one more thing

Crystal

her name was Crystal

hed met other Crystals since but none held a candle to her

she was effervescent a sunlightenedblonde rare a blonde attracted him attracted him like a moth to light her body could have graced a centerfold he knew what he knew

her peekaboo bikini at first plagued him  he didnt want to be rudetried hard to maintain eye contact 

then he quit peeking

she was bronze   everywhere

Hey! Crystal let the oars down across her legs and waved to him

HEY he waved backkept low in the water

Nice to see you again! Lemme come to you, catch the rope. she didnt wait on his reply immediate dug in with the oars pulled on them her back to him

she threw errantlythrew like a girl

the water moved quick in the shallows

the rope unfurled and beganaway from him

he drove after itswam hardtwelvefifteen feet

the rope grasped firmly he stoodthe currentthe sifting gravel and mud underfoot made him stumble he caught himself thrust a hand downgripped the sandbar the water now much shallower

the boat tugged at the rope and swung downstream

he had her

OhMy! she said as she eyed his nakedness   Well, good morning.

Morning he replied as he pulled her in towards him hand over handpaying the rope into water behind him

Crystal  smiling  oogling him brightly said Care for a boat ride?

he smiled and eyed her white blouse unbuttoned halfway cut off bluejeans a plaid blanket at her feet Dont mind if I do

Need a hand getting in?

A hand yah Getting in nah

Oooh the noise in her throat This ought to be fun.

A barrel of monkeys

0804,  Twosday,  14  1. 20

1329,  Monday,  25  5. 20

Dean Martin  The Birds and the Bees  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPqLI8Lf5-8       

blonde pine TV tray

on it was a large cobaltblue plate and five date pits

he didnt have to count

he figured everyone could count fiverecognise five

they were in the shape of a decapitated deer

five pens fanned out beside the plate to its right if a circular plate has sides

he didnt have to count

one can see five

four red Bics

one black Pentel a fine point pen

he knew that because they were his

he figured everyone knew what they had

five pens might seem too many  a little much

he didnt want to run out of ink an have to go lookin for another pen

he had a lot to say an preferred to say it in writing

there he could hold his tongue

writing chased off people who were easily bored or had poor vocabulary

who wanted to contend with short-attention spans

those tenants he found shallow 

shallow as muddied rain puddles

still able to reflect though drop a stone in them the stone hits bottom yet breaches the surface awkwardly

the TV tray was at his right elbow

he set his coffee down on it

its weight skewed the tray a sudden precarious wiggle  uneven on the clay tiles

quickly he grabbed the mug

he held it on top his thigh

the room seemed smaller this morning

it was an enclosed back porch

maybe it was the silence

nobody was talking

to his left ten feet off were illfitted French doors that led outside onto a cracked concrete apron

above the apron was a stout trellis wound by quiet brown wisteria vines  winter bare

he liked to choose one and follow its snaky path counting the bumps where buds would emerge and lengthen and purple in the Spring

he was visiting

helping

for the time being

whatever that time being would be

he was ambivalent

his time being stood across the TV tray from him

it didnt sit

it was as restless as he

it was a slight shade out of the corner of his eye miffed that he wasnt moving around  it knew that was his usual bent

he irritated it

baleful

if it had one iota of patience that weight would have dragged it down

rather

it hung above the tile in midair like a spider web hoping to snare him

then drag him away 

wrapped and coiled

writhing like a python

                          and escaping together

0929,  Thursday,  16  1. 20

1324,  Sunday,  24  5. 20

Iggy Pop  Lust for Life  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuBU3pzy7is

sometimes when youre least expectingunexpected craze drops into your laphair in ponytailsmouth a crimsom slash wantin to deepthroat ya Open yer fucking pantsNOW!

maybe thats not how things come onto you

                                              but hes found himself bodily flipped upside down with fingers or a mouth at his asshole thumpthump thump or laplap lap deep suckin tryin to turn him inside out 

he wasnt opposed to being turned inside out

                                               it had to look differenthuh he liked different he loved crazed so he gobbled all that shit up and left unsuspecting people to move along unmolested 

there are things to be said for being molested

not everyone who was molested felt bad about being molested 

granted he could only speak from his experiences

Betty Boop bok choy and ass

he thought Betty Boop was hothed do Betty Boop

                                                     hed do his damnedest to turn her from black an white to coloured screamin Technicolor straightenin her hairCOLOURED 

hed eat Betty Boops poop chute cuz yaknow  cartoons can live without eating

her chute would beexcuse him all to hell an back obviously Betty was of age her chute would be slick an virginal an he desperately wanted to unfurl that spitcurl that danced on her forehead

hed fuck Betty an he knew it wasnt odd

                                           because he sought an had attained parental consent his father conceded hed fuck Betty as a matter of factpush come to shove he also managed grandparental consent his old man acquiesced that more than likely his father would have wanted to fuck Betty as well 

parental consent

grandparental consent

three Aces are a tough hand to beat in stud poker

DAMN he was obviously from a long line of deviants

better deviant than a cocksucker of Christ

Fuck he gagged on a thin fishbones when eatin fish

                                                        whawas he gonna do with a cock in his mouth

he wasnt

a cock would never – he didnt like using Never but in this circumstance NEVER was abundantly and glaringly appropriate – a cock would never pass his lips   unless . . wait for it  ..  .  unless it was his cock

if he could suck his cock he would

unfortunately he couldnt

                           so he had to leave that up to women who would listen to what he wanted and perform it to a T  Aint brain surgery baby  LISTEN    LISTEN

a good lover listens to what their lover wants

he was a good lover

their wish was his command

he rarely took orders

                       but if they regarded the panoply panoplay his lover wanted from him he was all over it an they  an there wasnt a crook or cranny he overlooked

bok choy not to be confused with boy choy and ass 

                                                    he did mention themdidnt he he did  actually he was drawnincited by the proximity of Boop and bok admittedly ass too going off in his head by rhymeby the weird coincidenceconfluence of their fortunate appearances that appealed mightily to him

Betty Boop bok choy and ass 

                                  Slick!    

1116,  Saturday,  23  5. 20 

Pepper  Point and Shoot  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdlJNqQtsbc  

where had he read it it percolated up into his brain  unworthiness passed down through your lineage

Yafuckin kiddin me

Kahrist

         it was percolationspauses like that he pondered that made his mug of coffee go cool  kool   kold    kryinoutloud 

                he did it again

he could drink coffee straight throughenjoy it while it was hot

but as much as that was his intentas much as he wanted to

                                                                it didnt happen often

coffee was like an oil

slicking his gears

lubing his thoughts

refreshing his dreams in his eyes like a forlorn bum catching him at a red light in the city and washing his windshield for a buck

            he always found it was worth a couple of bucks and some loose change from his console

more often than not coffee helped him see things more clearly

this morning his hot black coffee bolstered with a splash of Irish whisky its aromatic steam almost made him choke though a pleasant choke  like a whiff of cocaine a nose-hit off a found roach laced with hash oilWAAHBAM

FLASH Maureen his months old girlfriend before he left Chicago for Miami began babbling in angel dust

she blamed him for it

                       You’re ducking out on me.

before they datedwhen they met at a party he told her that he was moving in a few months

some sawed-off Eddie was plying her with the PCP phenylcyclohexyl piperidine – a cyclonic Pepperdine – thats the word game is played to remember the scientific name of angel dust – he told her she could call it by its scientific name hed take a hit too  she never did  neither did he

                                                What? He’s giving it to me for free.

Aint nothing free Maureen anits angel dust

You’ve never tried it, you’re no standing or experience to bi . . 

. . Scientific name  An true But I havent taken heroin either I have a strong idea what can try me an Ive no intentions of taking it  Nevertheless I care about you

You’re leaving, that’s how much you care about me. I’ll be out of sight, out of mind.

You really think that little of yourselfwho you are Who you are in my regards

she sneered Out of sight. Out of mind. Don’t put your regards on me. You’ll be all over the scene in Miami, I ain’t stupid.

Im not going down for the scene Miami the Keys theyve been on my radar for as long as I can remember Id love to have you come down once I get situated when youve finished school

Yah. So you say what you say goes, right?

It does Ive said it Im good to my word

Your word? You’re something special.

Were gettin off track Angel Dust Shithead purveyor

You don’t know him.

Hes a dime a dozen A shithead Hes plying you with that shit an thats all I need to know Says a world about him

You know so much

I know guys  If I wouldnt want him as an acquaintance why would I want you to have a relationship with . .

. . Because I want it!

You want it It  It as in relationship or it as in angel dust

I can have both.

You can I care a lot about you But if you dont care about yourselfhave respect for yourself  I cant either

Fuck you.

Awright I believe youre making a mistake but everyones welcome to their mistakes I dont have to watch it happen

You aren’t. You’re going to Miami.

I am As you knew

he went

Maureen didnt respond to a single letter or postcard

too bad

some of the shit he wrote was pretty provocativepretty crazy worthy of something back

he dreamed he ran into her on the Intracoastal  two slow boats crossing  

she said she had a key

someone said she gave the key to him

she hadnt

But so and so said you have it.

So an so Yah Whos so and so An why would so an so say if you dont remember giving it to me  A key for what

as the sterns grew furthur apart she yelled To my heart, asshole!

kold koffee

1051,  Twosday,  14  1. 20

1104, Sunday,  24  5. 20

she threw a whachagot kick shedve hurt somebody if she connected

her bed lurched

probably a good thing it was on casters

the air mattress baffledmitigated its violence  made him miss his mattress and steelspring box at home

she would have made his bed cry wounded it made it whine like a broken accordion like industrial music  paint peelingsifting rust I-beams clinking exquisite white noise

some people prefer ambient white noise wind through trees cottonballs halfdipped in paint thrown against a wallSPLAT slithering

he preferred knowing who was screaming  and why

white noise made him think of toxic dustblack mold bacteria mice sidestepped Aint no fool they may not have the words but they have a nose for survival

                                          better than some people

Mousetraps 

Stop

     baited with cheese baconWHAP human beings can be baited too Get off your highfuckinhorses WHAP twitching bugeyed bowels and bladder evacuated twitches slow eyes glaze death rattle Ya oughta be listeninya killed it Sambas blackcloaked and hooded partner taps a shouldersteps in dances off with the mouses soul

mice and human beings are similar

                                      except human beings set traps traps baited with food for hungers  appetites  whims wants

I deserve it.

Yadont  Ya have a high opinion of yourself

One should.

Yes However Id caution some humilitysome modesty A realistic assessment Not overinflatednot a pie-in-the-sky pretense Not delusional

                           Not my feet dont stink

the cause of her ferocious kneejerkher kick

                                             she had wakened she wasnt sleeping much and saliva and condensation had gatheredpooled at the bottom of her masklapping her chin nearing her lip

he tipped her mask up slight and with tissue caught the fluid from rolling viscously down her chin he replaced it then with another tissue wound round his finger he lifted the mask again to gently wiped dry her chin and a cursory wipe at the masks edge he replaced it and with another tissue he thoroughly dried the inside of the mask its edge her chin again

Better

her eyes acknowledged him she couldnt speak

Good

he checked the masks seal no leaks

Almost like I knew what I was doing he said

she gave him a big smile breaking the masks seal the ventilated air escapingwhispering loudly

Easy girl he said

she texted  :  :  EEW, huh?

No

:  :  Drool.

he laughed

             I prefer to think slobber Your dream was savory

:  :  Okay. Slobber. Thank you for helping a girl out.

Still EEW. I’m just saying.

Youre a funny girl But youre my girl

I am.

they fell quietsaying nothing just looking in each others eyes they conversed with their eyes

I’m disappearing, Dad.

Ill always see you love  Always

I’m counting on you.

Ill not let you down

No. No.  You’ve always been there for me.

Ill always be there for you

I could be a ghost, a spirit.

No Please dont Transition  Transition as you say you have an will again in the future

You don’t believe in that.

You do

           Do what you do baby  Do what you do when the time comes

I love you very much 

I love you, Daddy.

she never called him Daddy

                              only when they spoke with their eyes

0444,  Sunday,  12  1. 20

1228,  Friday,  22  5. 20

sitting on a bench outside the school compound schoolchildren are held in compounds for their protection their protection or protecting the school or district from lawsuitscertainly not protected when the walls surrounding them are breached and a shooter enters and theres nowhere knowhere they can run 

                                                                               if he was a kid hed rather run for the hills than hide under desks or in broom closet or behind a fallible locked classroom doorthe teacher with them as terrified as they are   

he could only suppose no one had heard the old adage As easy as shooting fish in a kettle he preferred kettle to barrel which readily lent a link to a kettle of fish meaning awkward difficult bad situation  killing two birds with one stone

he was waiting for his granddaughters

he didnt like that they were incarcerated in school

                                                     that they were being educated that safety is attainable only inside walls keeping them

                      keeping the other out

a pretty nifty way to indoctrinate children  enforcing grim socialisation and captivity

the way he was when he was a kid

                                      he wouldnt have seen the electric light inside one of their classrooms or ever have to listen to the harrowing shrill of their spoonfed curriculum an administration anxious and more concerned to provide groupthink hive or ant mentality than grapple with his freethinking which likely would have deemed him incorrigible

his daughter and soninlaw chimed Different times, Dad. There’s more trouble out there than when you were a kid.

No Troubles always been there Community was stronger Mothers were home There were walls but they were invisible and it was a better thing then to be able to walk through a wall and be held accountable

his children believed child trafficking suddenly reared its ugly head

                                                                        he said Milk carton Missing kids

they werent going to agree

they didnt have to

he raised his

theyd raise theirs

You’ve grown colder, Dad, as you’ve gotten older.

I was and am incorrigible

                            But Ill remind you youre here and now Somehowapparently your mother and I negotiated the horrid jungle you fear for your girls

he heard a jet engine overhead

when he looked up from his book as he sat on the benchlooked up over the top of a low white commercial building at the end of the parking lot into the blue sky marred by watercoloured deepeninggray clouds coconspirators trying rain in front of them seeming to appear above them a lone big black bird soared glided accompanied by the whine of an unseen jet aircraft in his ears he could imagine that its noise was the birds noise

 

How fuckin cool he thought a bird could whine like a jet or the bird was actually a drone that isnt feared in America yet

1402,  Thursday,  9  1. 20

1116,  Saturday,  23  5. 20

Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs  Lil’ Red Riding Hood  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNEYfIUDkh8