some people sang in the shower

                                  but he knew his voice was bad despite the showers acoustics  they werent going to turn him into a crooner a sensation a sensation in his own head some people liked that liked the fictions in their heads

so some people sang

he thought

he peeled grapescracked walnuts he parsed words  fileted fish no fine fishbones

he was meeting friends for drinksnot a drink

it amused him that they were opposedstood opposite most opinions he espoused 

he couldnt help but wonder if this afternoons get-together wouldnt finally break out into a fist fight

they might want to try

it wasnt often they got together

it would be one of the few times they had numbers against him

his advantage was 

                    he didnt care what his face looked like at work the next day 

the vain seemed to prefer outnumbering their quarry  

he didnt think it was a set-up

although he didnt care either

so he thought  as he closed his eyeslathered his freshcropped head and slipped under the large showerhead to rinse

rinsing

enjoying the warm streaming

the suds dissipating

coursing down his bodyhis chesthis thighs to his feet he spread his toes it tickled  he thought of his mortality

why did he think of his mortalityhe hadnt considered it much since he was a boy and he learned he was going to die

it was a moot point

death was inevitable

he wasnt going to worry his sorry-ass about it

he was approaching seventy now

it snuck inhe laughed

                       he entertained himselfwishing he knew some remarkable First People death chant

white people didnt have death chants

they cried

their entitlement was ending

they were really really losing a lot

a noble human chant wouldnt occur to them

hed known too many people who preceded himwho died

some might saytoo many may say  he was with them when they died

why wouldnt he have been with them when they died

living and dying were the same thing

  No
      he hadnt any idea why his mortality would occur to him this afternoon in the shower

though better than him breaking out into song if he did it would be Lola

1440,  Sunday,  2  6. 19

1110,  Monday,  3  6. 19

Kinks  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LemG0cvc4oU

he poured the last of the black coffee into his mug  refilled his shotglass with another three fingers of whisky  

                                                                                                                  an he still had the whole day ahead of him a day of examining the feral thoughts that blindly innocently crept into the light of day outside his skull  delicate creeping slugs and snails suddenly exposed to daylighttheir covers blown who likes to have their cover blown  he   hed prefer a blow job

but back to the lacquer of black coffee alacrity of 90 proof spirit

if he had to assess his own spirit 

                                  well mebbe that number would be prejudiced  suffice it to say he was hi-octane

he was flammable

he was intense

he   adored   confrontation

                               his parentswhile he was a teen in one of several Emergency Rooms warned him to quit stepping into the fray  You had to know you were gonna get hurt

Yeah  So  

           he worked odd jobs and gave them the money  it was the least he could do while they cared for him

he wanted them to know he understood their concern that he appreciated their -- for lack of a better word -- investment

Investment? his father asked bugeyed  Just exactly what am I investing in?

Paw Youre holding the fort down until I can get out of it An I promise Ill be out as soon as I can I swear

took him until he was twentyhe wasnt too happy about that

then he was Home Free 

                         completely his own person

and it was ugly his parents said

he didnt see it that way

he just went along as hed always gone along  

why they didnt see that was beyond him

he played bigger than he was

fight or flight

not an option

fight

every hill a hill to die on

or get the snot knocked out of him

snot knocked 

              and sometimes not

prize fighter didnt win all their fights

the idea was to win more than you lost

he couldnt stand the pricks who saw a lost in the offing and had buddies step in 

he remembered them

he made a point of catching them alone 

he may have hit them a couple more times than were necessary 

                                                                   Awfuck Paybacks a bitch man

so he made a reputation for himself

it was nice when it finally preceded him

street cred

the street was a good place to make your name

the street was never kind

it ate its own

So what is it you do? his father asked

Im just who I am Paw  Just who I am

people tatted themselves now  they "belonged"

he wore scars

1440,  Saturday,  1  6. 19

braggadocio Pinocchio  bragging   never sat well with himno matter its incitement it turned him off

Cassius ClayMuhammad Ali turned him off when he spouted  he followed Alis pronouncementsunderstood his advertisements  although he would rather have had him walk the walk that only Ali could and just keep his mouth shut

but America loves big mouths                  

he preferred quiet modesty   humility

why the bragging

                   an old man who should have known better  known better   that was his bad habithis habit of equating age with experience and it bumping up againstlapping at the quiet edge of wisdom 

he helped the old man with his cane helped him into his seat on the plane stowed his bag in the overhead 

he hadnt paid attention beyond the immediacy of the old man needs

then he saw

the old man wore a ball cap

he gulpedthought for a moment it might be a MAGA cap hed have to wash his hands  No

No
   it wasnt MAGA sounded like disease

No  the red cap read Korean Vet

Look-at-me it implied


You ought to thank me

So why are you so damn critical?

Im not critical All my uncles who were of age fought in World War Two

Not one of them was loud about being a veteran

Maybe with one anotherthey knew each other they were brothers-in-law before Pearl 

Maybe they talked around the picnic table over cold beers shots of Old Crow their cigarettes pipes cigars those ashes competing with fireflies in the summer night air

Maybe by their quiet demeanor if a hint dropped  the lid of a Pandoras box nudged not opened nudged  threatened   the acrid smell only they could smell feel the heat of distant fires pitchblack oily smoke all manner of living things buildings fields consumed and scribbled and deep in ash  whiteblue yelloworange spurts of pitch or fat

Their demeanor  their eyes hoodedtheir eyes suddenly listless  colour leaching becoming cold and gray

You didnt dare ask

Never asked

So I worry at open declarations  I worry theyre not honest

Why would you possibly imagine fraud?

Thats kind  Fraud 

Theyre lying 

Hell  my own father isnt honest

Their cap or jacket proclaims them vets But it isnt military issuethey arent quiet cold stamped coins of campaigns their commanding officers conferred to them

No.

No

And your father?

My father refers to himself as a Korean vet

He served stateside

He never saw action

But he’s still a veteran.

Then for that matter so is every civilian 

I think a veteran has been bloodied or blooded

I dont think if they havent  they can coopt being a veteran

Sitting on the bench isnt playing in the game

You’re pretty severe.

I dont think so 

Ask a real old veteran if you can find one

afternoon,  Thursday,  16  5. 19

1031,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  29  5. 19

yacant make this shit up

ya could try not that youd want 

                                but fact remains only Republicans can pull it offpull it off  enabled by their florid hubris  elan  their old white manness  self   and selfishness                           

they can pull it off

without even breaking a sweat

it seems a second nature

it is an unfortunate name  Nader

even before he heard the accusationsthe found guilty the court sentences  he saw in his eyes the name gone word  nadir  lowest point   opposite zenith   

nader nadir nazir opposite to the worse point in anyones life 

                                                              an yet utterly embraced by the then-candidate his cohorts his pliable son-in-law the now-abject-performing president

evidently George Nader has a hankering for child porn

evidently its like eating Chinese and hungry again in an hour

maybe akin to a comfort food

because it seems he cant stop himself 

                                       but evidently thats what Republicans attract and need a man who cant resist his temptations  even if they are illegal

he remembers that notion of not crossing the street to piss on someone who was on fire

if he wouldnt piss on him

why would he be anywhere around such a person

what is that

ask a Republican

2214,  Monday,  3  6. 19

1018,  Twosday,  4  6. 19

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/child-porn-charges-for-trump-tied-mueller-witness-raise-questions-61210181572 

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/soured-deal-considered-as-mueller-witness-charged-with-child-porn-61215301918       

last week of school! 

                     the American flagthe California flag beneath it were flown at halfmast at the junior high school

the Virginia Beach mass shooting

he had an idea

next time the flags are raised in the morning fly them halfmastleave em at halfmast

itd be more efficient 

                     particularly when regarding the festooned big-shoed baggy-panted clown-showthe mimicking cowards governing the House and Senate  governingHA from the Peoples White House

he was sick and tired of being patient

1356,  Monday,  3  6. 19

50 Cent  Patiently Waiting  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsRUfh99ncA 

all the dark walnutbrown had gone out of his hair

it was just a matter of time

he was grateful though

many people he knew didnt live long enough to see the colour pass out of their heads

they died with the shock they were born with

it was a coin-toss between the surprises and those who begged-for-it

his sympathies were always aroused by the surprises 

                                                       the Why thems

and stopping to think for a moment

regrettably 
            
he recalled more Why thems than otherwise

and crawling steely in through the back gate

                                               Only the good die younghe hated that adage

but by what he knew to be true  they did

his best friend

his wife

his brother

his sister

they were on one handhe didnt count his thumbhe didnt extend his other hand to be numbered  

                                                                                                      he  shut  it  down

however they were there  

                           but he preferred setting them to one side  remember them as they washed up on the surf of his memory

the four on one hand was more than enoughmore than enough for him to contemplate  

happily he would have exited in their stead if his life hadnt its own course

             

1542,  Saturday,  1  6. 19

he was pretty tore upcoming apart at the seams  threads unraveling  skin thinning   he wasnt tolerating things as well as he used toas well as perhaps he should  not that he ever tolerated anything well

it wasnt skin  he readily invested skin in various games  

                                                         rather it was the lines the barriersethics not wall  his morals

morals

there wasnt anything that could entice or seduce him

no price tag  

                 he couldnt be other than who he was

the thinning skin he inhabited was something else he knew exactly from where it came

his sister diedshe died of ovarian cancer

she battled it for six years 

                            if her doctors had known a few months earlier what they learned had she undergone a complete hysterectomy after her breast cancershe was done having babies  having a uterus and ovaries doesnt make a woman a woman MAYBE she wouldnt have suffered the bouts of ovarian cancer she did

MAYBE  IF

                 IF   MAYBE  

                                      the words had caught in her throatcaught in his craw

shed never have a craw

she was too beautiful

he wasnt 

         however curiously  people always remarked when they meet them together that she was the spitting-image of him if she were a man  and hed be the spitting-image of her if he were a woman

usually they nixed agreeing refused the flattery

he usually step into the fray first and said Thank you although he couldnt agree  because if he agreed hed be distracted by playing with his enormous tits hed have become a porn star

                                                                   and she covered his ass admitting  admitting  if she was drunk she be prone to distraction by playing with her cock Not enormous  Stop

they were yin and yang to the other or yang and yin or yanking cock or tweaking and sucking nipples

when he gave his mother and sisters and sisters-in-law vibrators one Christmas she was the only one who said Thank you  and left it at that

simple Thank you very much

she shamed Elvis

his sister died ten months ago  to his mind theyve missed forty telephone callseighty to onehundredtwenty hours of talking sharing laughing  they were robbed 

                                              every second of that missing time thinned his skin

Aw baby he whimpered you need to help mehelp me from going down this rabbit hole Im struggling  struggling terribly 

You know me  

I rarely struggle

SHADDUP AND MOURN   Eventually     Eventually

or maybe it was the whiskey talking

1424,  Thursday,  30  5. 19

1053,  Saturday,  1  6. 19

sometimes you find yourself in places you wished you hadnt been

he was never one of those guys who woke up in the morning and wanted to go coyote gnaw off their arm so they didnt wake the woman they spent the night with

everyone  inexorably   ends up in a bad fit on occasion

recently and he tried to forget prior times but they had a habit of coming rushing back on him like frat wannabes who he wished died of alcoholic overdoses Hey, man, that’s severe! Nobodys talking to you 

                                                                                         he figured everyone had selfexaminating gnomes cretins sitting on their shoulders passing hifalutin judgments  consciences  probably everyone except sociopaths psychopaths an blithering idiots 

                                                     he was damn sure retards didhis brother did  though belated

what did that say about the aforementioned  maybe they ought to be euthanized I’m right here. I haven’t gone anywhere Just checkin wonderin if you took coffee breaks  

as he was saying  recently   recently he found himself waiting in line at magazine and snack shop on an airline concourse

some guy stood behind him

uncomfortably close

the guy hemmed and hawed and hissed maybe trying to not be so quiet  hemming and hawing at the fat woman in a colourful moo-moo Or tent Hey! Again?  the fat woman was purchasing several fashion magazines gossip rags and chocolate candy bars

out of the mans contentious hisshe couldnt make out his words  though he ought to be able to keep that shit to himself he did he never audibilized but still he was reprimanded soundly 

                                                                     hisses dont have consonants or vowels theyre just composed of syrupy sounds stuck together on spittle  his seemed to suggest You really need chocolate?

he never coddled – who was he kidding – veiled contempt really drew his ire drew his sneaking contempt of contempt like a viper hunting and unrecognized by its prey

slowly he halfturned 

                       haaalted  

                                 but his head continued continued  continued its deliberate slow ratcheting strained at the muscles and tendons in his neck his eyes grew predatory then eyestalks grew and wiggling he transformed from a viper into a crab munching on pale greywhite corpse flesh

he fixed him with beady eyes You may not be saying but I hear you  I can hear you

his pinchers were anxious to pluck flesh from bonesthe man probably saw his hands working in and out of fists  not that he was conscious that he was

the message transcended his I can hear you

he saw his point was taken

then

      the muscles and tendons in his neck relaxed

and then 

           he pinioned out of his halfturn

the clerk called to him

the fat lady was gone

he was next in line

he smiled at the clerk

the clerk smiled in return and said  I appreciate your patience, sir.

Thank you  I appreciate you saying as much    

1019,  Thursday,  16  5. 19

1646,  Monday,  27  5. 19

                                        a flower doesnt know its dying until it sees its petals fading  and falling

1106,  Sunday,  2  6. 19