If I have to be critical, which I’d rather not . . .

he laughed as a reply

Why are you laughing?

At your remark 

                 Donwanna hurt nobodys feelings   Fuck em

I didn’t said anything.

Actually yadid

How?

Comon  Seriously

Yeah. Nothing. Not really.

Then let me say if I have to be critical though  though    Id rather not  Ya remember Its called paralepsis not to mention it goes without saying

                                   Tha ring any bells

Oohyeah, now that you mention it yes.

Good good

            Go ahead an mention if you have to be critical but woud rather not  he laughed   guy always made him laughcoudnt help but step in it coud find dogshit without tryin

I got thickskin Ya wont hurt my heart either

Well . . what I mean to say is that . . well . is that your pieces are . are disembodied.

Yes

Yes?

       You’re aware they are?

Yah Lotsa dialogues

You know you rarely describegive physical descriptions of the individuals speaking.

Not often correct

Why is that?

Their physicality isnt important to the context of their discussiontheir agreement disagreement argument

I always find myself wondering who you’re talking about.

No whos

          You fill in the blanks you can imagine whomever whoever ya want  Bring in a paintbrush or crayons

Pencil  Pen

Im not writing to tell Im writing to share

But don’t you think that’s your job?

Awman wha do you think

earlyAM,  Sunday,  12  11. 23

Bobby V.  Anonymous  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYmKqlmfQNA

he arrived late

it was a small get together

usually he refused his invites Bennie was the kind of kidder that one couldnt tell if he was being serious or notdidnt tip his hand constantly met eyes with deadpan expressions

                                                            angiven that on more than one occasion he became the butt of a joke  not that softhumiliation is the worst thing one can suffer

it certainly isnt something one pursues

BUT

    theres always a BUT

Bennie invited Cari she was a screwy chick hed taken a serious liking to

                                                                              screwy may not be right

goofy? nah  he preferred screwy to goofy goofy seems dumb and Cari wasnt that

invite was for One  a bright shinyblue day

                                              the infinity pool he did like that the water the color of the sky anif Cari wore the lemonyellow bikini she talked up the prior weekend when they met for a beer he couldnt imagine one not fantastically complimenting the other

he ran late because he was helping his cousin with a junior college paper she was cousin couple times removed he would remind himself she was to offsetdefray the sexual tension which always arose when they got together and they got together because she was always choosing the most difficult most intriguing English projects assigned

he was a sensational researcher

                                   cats had nothing on him when it came to curiosity

her projects were curious                

she was too

he arrived quarter to Two

was dazzled

               Caris bikini was canaryyellow crushed lemonyellow  it scantily fit her fitbody like plumage if she thought it was a sunning suit he intended to persuaded her otherwise

                                                                           get her wet

she pranced up to him poolside and gave him a huge hug

                                                              So what do you think? she asked as she turned roundanround on tippytoes then back the other way as if that could unwind him not a chance

You look fuckin amazing

I do don’t I?  she giggled   I do.

Ya do screwball

coming down off her toes she took a step back coquettishly put fingertips to her lips and whispered I like that you call me screwball.

he smiled he really liked her attention Cuz you are baby You think your thoughts are like no other 

You’re sweet . . though you’ll say you’re not. I think you are.

Then Ill take tha from you You alone   Dig

she giggledgurgled deep in her throat  I dig.

                                               then laughed loudly mouth open no hand covering it piercing dimples   completing her cacophony she whispered Who says dig?

We do me an you

Anyou think I’m a screwball.

Ya are

she backpedaled awayurging him to follow moving her fingers handsCOME  beside a pair of chaise loungers was a small round ceramictopped table a frothy drink sat on it a tall red straw stood up in the glass the glass was beginning to sweat  inside looked like a multicoloured lava lamp  psychedelic

Whastha

A freshfruit drink Bennie blended. He says boozy.

Kindalike a pina colada

I think so. He also said it has a shot of protein in it.

A shot of protein

Yeah.

You see him make it

No.

Have you tried it

No, I only just got here too. He asked if I’d like a specialty drink. I said sure. Then I changed into my suit. He brought it out to me and setting it down he said he thought he heard you pull up. I was excited for you to see my swimsuit. I had bragged it up sometrhing fierce last weekend.

Its worth braggingup looks sensational on you

                                                  Gimme a second to change I also brought Lizards Mouth

No.

Yah

No.

   Yah

Damn. I haven’t had that in a long while I really like it.

Why I brought it

                  Wanna put the foufou drink on hold itll keep in the frig

Yes. Please.

Sit tight Ill bring it out before I change

I’m so excited.

I thought ya might be

                        Ill be right back

Bennie

Hey Joe.

You being funny with Cari

Funny? but not before he smirked

                                   Howdaya mean?

I remember you losing your job for shaping cocks in latte foam

Works of art, man.

I hearya I saw Got no complaint from me  You made tasty lattes despite the garish garnish

I did, I did.

Yadid

           I appreciate you inviting Cari

Had to, you’ve been talking her up anya rarely talk chicks up.

   No  Not often

No.

Shot of protein

Yeah. What of it?

Have a sip

Excuse me?

I brought Lizards Mouth Which has preempted Caris freshfruity frothy drink for the meanwhile I brought the beer expressly for her  Though everyones welcome

                                                   Take a sip

I made it especially for Cari.

I know you did

                 Take a sip We can put a fresh straw in it later

I made it for her.

I know ya did yave said

                           Take  A  Sip

I’d rather not.

he dumped the drink in the sink

                                   You know yare always welcome to fuck with me Not funny

1717,  Reggaefriday,  25  8. 23

1027, Sunday,  12  11. 23

Immigrant Song  Karen O  Reznor  Ross  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQtXsp4tIbw

she sighedrolled dipped swished her hips 

it felt good if he was lyin hed be dyin

All you need handsome . . is a little motivation.

Only a little

Umm . . maybe just a little more.  a deeper swishgrind

Weve only just met

she smiled over her shoulder into his face Yes doll.

   Awbaby you havent any idea what yare talkinbout

that really rocked herpissed her off gyrations halted 

                                                        she was a life coach  she had told him

I think I know somethingfrankly . . I know a lot about motivation.

If you do woudntya say I believe I know  Not think you know

                                                                    Ya don know me

I’ve assessed you.

Asized  Youve asized me up I can believe it

                                                If you thought thars gold in dese hills youd be wrong

starting to get up off his lap You need help.

hooking her hips with his fingers he pulled her back downwhispered harshly Seems we all can use a little help

You included   cleared his throat  But there are those who are genuinely more needy  Theyre willing to pay for a friend

How dare you.

harsh How dare you  

                      You came onto me sat on my lap 

her face went hardshe glared

   I believe the motivation you think I lack or need is something I refer to as emotion  I emotivate if you rather  Emotivation  If you think itll serve your purpose yare welcome to it

                                                                      No charge  On the house   Off my lap

she stood

she looked likeNO

                    she slapped his face

How dare you.

he didnt rub his cheek

                         If you knew me youd have known Im daring

1950,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

432preferred,  Saturday,  11  11. 23

Talking Heads  Psycho Killer  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eauZzwt8Ci8 

“. . . an alchemical mix of wonder and fear.

                                              It may seem as if those emotions would cancel each other out, but the opposite is true. When you add them together you get the sublime, which transcend them both. ‘The passion caused by the great and sublime in nature . . . is Astonishment,’ wrote the eighteenth-century philosopher Edmund Burke, ‘and astonishment is the state of the soul in which all its motion are suspended, with some degree of horror.’  But, he added, it was ‘a sort of delightful horror.’”

                                       Prologue pg2  Susan Casey  The Underworld

wonder and fear

alchemy

           he had to wonder when he fearedwhat he feared

seemed since he conquered the pitchblack terror of his bricked basement as a boylucky he didnt break his neck rushing blind headlong through itslamming into things tripping hitting the concrete floorUP hitting the pinepaneled wallGO RIGHT scrambleup the uncoded staircase to the short doorway swinging it open out into the hallGO RIGHT through the entry onto the front porchfour stairs down which he usually leaped land on the front walk roll onto the lawn

                                                                                                                  its leaves like tendrils embracing himsaving him from whatever it was he fled

since then

             he wondered  what

   which at times makes him think that he died and this life he was leading was an imagination his ghost madeup and would continue makingup until it or he got tired of living

                                                                   at  times

afternoon,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

1531,  Saturday – Veterans Day,  11  11. 23

he wokeup this morning remembering

not remembering a littlenot scraps bits pieces remembering everything  anything

remember vividly  

remember the smallest things

he remembered what he forgot

                                     the remembering painted his eyes with tears that wetted reconstituted magnified his memories anhe thought  this is how things came apart  he got caughtupsweptaway in vile moments terrible agitations dust an pollen shakenfree peppering salting copiously dusting over layering over concealing hiding   what  if he had pausedtook a moment  the things he could have recalled shared  could have broken the arms legs and necks of those harsh agitations                                                                         

Do you remember . . .

Remember when . . .

                           if only he paused  been able to be at one remove

this morning was not regret

                              there was so muchtoo much beauty

he was fortunate

this morning gently taught him that when things veer go askew he looked askance  to vividly bring a memory forward an share it

             as they can easily  subtly    be submerged       

0855,  Saturday – Veterans Day,  11  11. 23

reminiscent of Neil Young  Love in Mind  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp0URt_o0YU

What is it I’m supposed to remind you about? 

Thaya never do

   I never do?

Nope  Notever

Well . . . I’m thinking of it now.

Excellent

What is it?

Youre supposed to remind me about   Yes

                                                 Whaisit

   Something.

Thas a lot of things

Are you gonnasay?

Aryagonnabe testy

                       Ya sound testy 

whined I remembered.

   But not wha

No.

    There is that.

You were to remind me when my beard was too longremind me to shave trim it

THAT’S IT.

It is

   You realise how stupid that is, which is probably why I don’t remember?

You don remember because you don remember

I remembered.

I did.

       It’s so stupid.

Look in the mirror, you’ll see.

See I need to shave

I wouldn’t say just yet, I saw you shaved after Halloween. You like to go a couplethree weeks.

Wasnt hard to miss I told you I was growing out my moustache an goateeMethod actor style to be the Dude Big Lebowski for Halloween

                           Grew it three months

Really stupid.

Its not

You have a bathroom mirror.

I do

Look in it.

You must forget  Theres something else Ive also told you

he cringed Something else I’m supposed to remind you to do?

No

     I think you failing at one thing is plenty

Ive also told you tha whenever I walk into a room I only see fiftytwo percent of the occupants

I remember thatI remember that. You only see women.

Thas right

And I remember then that you pare the women down and only see, perhaps, twenty percent.

Right again

             So why do I ask you to tell me when I ought to shave

I DON’T KNOW.

Hear me Im respecting those men I do not see in that room when I enter Men do not interest me

I rememberyou’ve said.

   If Im not gonna see them

                                 Why woud I see him in the mirror

3PM,  Thursday,  9  11. 23

1219,  Reggaefriday,  10  11. 23

Michael Jackson  Man in the Mirror  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gqMRlN6mAA

it was an interesting backanforth

                                    he pressed cashiers into conversation when it was terribly apparent they were content to scan products their only unfortunate interaction to have to speak was to tell someone what they owed

thats transaction with extreme prejudice

he was an older gentlemanolder than one might imagine to first become a cashier

a natty dresser

bowtie

jacket

under his apron

   affixed nametag Claude

he didnt say was thinking clawed balls

                                          Claude  How are youhavin a good day

Claude looked startledlooked at him through hornrimmed glasses

                                                                      Hello.

How are ya

             he coudbe chatty hed be brief had only four items woudnt wear Claude down

I am well sir.

Sir looked left down the line behind him

                                            My fathers not here Now hes a sir 

Yes sir Claude said as he took the grocerycard scanned it placed it on a small shelf between them where people wrote checks picked up a clearplastic bag of four garlic heads fiftycents a piece and muttered White mushrooms.

   Garlic

white mushrooms  $2.15 appeared on the register screen

Claude balls he didnt say Theyre garlic

Yes. I heard you.

                   Claude reached for the celery in another bag

Claude Im not buying mushrooms

holding the celerystalk in both hands he looked at the screen  I heard you. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you.  he began punching buttons disallowing the mushrooms entered 4@ GARLIC BULK  I am sorry, sir.

No sweat lotsa people don hear me when I speak

                                                     You arent the first wont be the last

I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you . . I heard you.

Got me

         Your mind may have been on the shoulder of a remote highway thumbing for a ride Hitchhiking always a kick

I’ve never hitchhiked.

My condolences

it seemed his eyes crossedbriefly behind the glass lens but recovered as fast

                                                                                  Condolences? like the word was never in his mouth before

Unless youve hitched I cant say youd understand

Condolences I’m not sure I like that.

Well yaint dead Ya got time

he cleared his throat Do you need a bag?  he was done entering his items

he tugged the strap of the canvasbag over his shoulder

                                                          Have one no thanks

The mushrooms were two dollars fifteen cents. You saved fifteen cents.

But not if they were mushrooms

They weren’t.

bagging his items No they werent

                                      he touched his debtcard to the payment screen

the receipt disgorged from the register

                                        Would you like your receipt?

Please Claude taking his receipt You have a fine day Get out on the highway catch a ride with your mind

3PM,  Thursday,  9  11. 23

1114,  Reggaefriday,  10  11. 23

Ides of March  Vehicle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq95nZBbNHI

she asked Was that necessary?  

he saw she was slightly ruffled

Necessary he said is subjective

                                  No   It wasnt necessary but it needed to be said

Why did you have to say it?

   Were you going to

No. No I wasn’t going to say.

There you have it

                   You are the only other person in the room I woud have trusted to say an franklyas you know  you woudve said it better than me  More artful   More  compassionate

Less direct. she gave him a hard eye

he smiled she constantly amusedpleased him  Direct 

                                                         Yes 

a smallsmile crept onto her face So direct for as long as I’ve known you so offputting, even when you know betterknow when to take the foot off the pedal or handle someone with kid gloves.

Ah  Kid gloves Tossed those away long ago

                                                Saves time when saying wha needs to be said

Tear off the band-aid my mother would say. Still. She was unlike you.

Yes

     How you can gently peel it away behooves me

There are benefits.

I understand Though none Id prefer which is why Im abrupt

                                                                  Accurate 

I really wasnt tha offensive

   Not really no. Your timing . . . it was probably too soon.

Too soon he nodded his headhe agreed

                                           Though a good chance well not see each other again

she nodded her headshe agreed No. Those are very slim to none.

Which is why I said

                         wistfully There is never a good time

No. Unfortunately not.

he said  We don remember our birth an we wont remember our death

2329,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

0939,  Reggaefriday,  10  11. 23

So what did you write about absolute zero?*

I donae remember

Donae?

Kind of fun using it on occasion rather than don give it a Scottish flavour

Scotch flavor.

Scotch

Alcohol.

No  Rarely drink Scotch Prefer RedBreast an Irish whiskey

                                                                An I really fond of tha which one might associate it with have raised a more than a couple of blushes on lessexperienced barmaids particularly  need I say paralepsis  redheads

Yeahyeah. Can’t stay on track.

Im on track Absolute zero

But you don’t remember what you wrote?

Absolutely not  he laughed wickedly

                                       his interrogator didnt believe in absolute thoughhe curious  did believed in coincidences

which he did not

                   at best Jungs synchronicity

he remembered telling cat of ninetails

                                         What the hell’s that?

Remember a cat called Jungcontemporary of Freud  I couldnt tolerate him  Jung was a deep breath of fresh air

I think I’ve heard of him I wasn’t into psychology.

Synchronicity Also synchrony

                                 Simultaneous occurrence of events which appear related  some people give them significance I don they have no discernable causal connexion relating to or acting as a cause Cause and effect  Understand 

Yes. Cause and effect.

                        Synchro crow . whatever . . not so much.

Jung was versed in coincidence but Pauli Wolfgang Pauli . .

. . Him I know.

Yes theoretical physicist quantumphysicist Pauli was a patient of Jungs an preferred dropping coincidence in favour of correspondence connexion constellation of discrete factors

                                                             Sounds like a quantumphysicist huh

Yeahyeah. But you don’t remember what you wrote about absolute zero?

I do not.

How is it you remember reading all these books you say you’ve read but you can’t remember what you wrote?

Once written Ive disgorged them excreted them I needed them out committed to a page an out fullfilled I remember if I begin reading one but to recall nillywilly cold turkey  No

How is that?

Youre not a writer Youre a reader Im a writer an a reader  As a reader Im reading someone elses observationsperceptions As I writer Im committing my sins

                                                               Confessional Three Hail Marys three My Father Who Art in Heaven Im absolved Free of blame guilt responsibility  Ive told you many times it feels like taking dictation

I donae remember wha I wrote

A month ago

              Since Ive written at least sixty other disgorgements

I don’t believe you can’t remember.

Thas on you

1500ish,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

1701, Thursday,  9  11. 23

* Zero degrees Kelvin minus twohunredseventythree degrees Celsius minus fourhunredfiftyninepointsixtyseven degrees Fahrenheit Absolute zero lowest limit of the thermodynamic temperature scale Ive been boning up state at which enthalpy an entropy of a cooled ideal gas reach their minimum value  Molecules atoms do not move

That’s theoretically absolute. Thermodynamics, if I’m not mistaken, has proven it is impossibl . .

. . Not necessarily  Possibly improbable but not impossible

                                                              Because understanding impossible correctly woud suggest it is an absolute  Physicists  Quantumphysicists may not be there just yet  but theyre mighty close  

Then it is not an absolute, is it?  

And  impossible

                  If impossible its already  absolutely not possible    Or am I incorrect