falsies  pushup bras that fakeout admirers 

Definitely 

            False equivalences  hes a dyed-in-the-wool heterosexual ardent hard-on heterosexual an could care less what goes on in other peoples bedroom backseats sprawled-in-parks as long as no ones being hurt without their permission     

   Republican party v. Democratic party                                                 

Democrats got real titsthe Real deal 

NADA 

        Republicans 

not that tits are everything

however item by item by item by item by item 

per se

        toxic white supremacy v. the United States of America  the Enemy within 

a majority of House Republicans voted in 2020 that the election was riggedillegitimate  President Biden did not win the election 

         he didnt look possibly majority Senate as well

the Republican party is not equal is not an equivalent of the Democratic party

they should NOT be treat as such

   he wouldnt ride passenger in a car driven by a retard  apparently others would

1558,  Sunday,  21  5. 23

. . . Awright  Ifya play the game correctlyactually be yourself he laughedhe laughed a bit harder than he wanted

What’s so funny?

   You  Be yourself 

                        Im gonna askya to answer my questionpreference without thinking just hear it an BAMsay  Ya know  how you usually answersay things

he turned his headcraned his neck reminded him of a chicken thensuddenly arrested by paralysis 

                                                                                                  You’re mistaken. 

I am not Aint a soul puts their foot in their mouth more often than you

                                                                           Its a natural reflex

I don’t think . .

. . No you don

he sneeredwasnt a goodlook on him  I was going to say . . since your natural inclination is to interrupt . .

. . When ya know whas gonna come out of somebodys mouth cant see any sense in waiting for it

There.

Yes

There . . you interrupted me. 

I was saying . . . I do not think so.

I believe so Believing is firmament strongermore robust than thinking

he snorted You’re so full of shit.

Absolutely 

           Thasaid  staying somewhere out of town hotel or motel room

Where am I?

Say woudya or Ill say for ya

Where would I be staying?

In a hotel

Im saying it is dependent . . 

. . The question had no bearing on wherewas a simple question  An Im right 

                                                                                   Absolutely

Which you absolutely despise 

The reason you’d stay . .

. . The money The reason Id stay in a motel is because its cheaper than a hotel It is   But thas not why I prefer them I like walking out the door into a parking lot than a hallway

                                                              No airsno pretending to being something more than a place a bed a shower

If you had . .

. . Id spend the money I saved on something I needed Need outweighs want man 

                                                                                       An besides  I dig tackyalways have

Good clean tacky 

You underestimate motels

2340,  Thursday,  18  5. 23

1247,  Sunday,  21  5. 23

rotten luck 

out of his hands before it occurred to himhad a chance to get them around someones throat 

   ebooks aint books 

he wanted to read With William Burroughs: A Report from the Bunker   sounded desperate an who doesnt comportcontend with DesperateDesperation on occasionCOMON

                                                                   it was Burroughs  Burroughs of Beat fame cut-ups queer renegade Naked Lunch addict fame who shot his wife in the headkilling her at a party performing the old William Tell bit of shooting an apple off the top of his sons head 

                                                            that stuck with him

he watched the television show the heroic swashbuckling adventures but thought the crossbow was cheaty 

                                                                                                                 progress

of the last ten books he went on-line to see if the library had access to hard copies in its system sevenSEVEN  were available only as ebooks 

he approached a librarian seated at the front desk to see what could be done about accessing a physical book

she apprised him that if a book was acquired as an ebook THAT was the only available copy provided the Public  it would not acquire a printed one 

                                  progress

You understand the library has effectively chosen to censor books an prefer prejudice against some of its patrons  Lemme put it another way it intends to offer only one ice cream flavour 

                                                                           progress 

he no longer had to imagine all the books he wouldnt read because there wasnt time enough rather he was denied them

 

0152,  Sunday,  21  5. 23

1013,  Sunday

https://www.historyandheadlines.com/november-18-1307-william-tell-shoots-apple-sons-head-real-heroes-mere-legends/

sensibilities

   senses abilities 

                    5  don let em go to waste  lock away the Three wisenheimer Monkeys

See No Evil  Mizaru miserable

Hear No Evil  Kikazaru no cock in hand 

Speak No Evil  Iwazaru  I was no hero 

there is no Evil

                 theres good and bad 

he was checkingup on his senses abilities from last century 

                                                                . . . every year I begin a new journal  it is the perfect depository for my thoughts observations the usual mayhem I attribute myself as I am to some distant reader know or unknown to fix myself my perceptions my History those things which happen day to day  all things that comprise our lives 

      he cited a private friend  Peggy Lee   “Is That All There Is?” 

Whell  he remained unalloyed unchanged 

he wasnt surprised

                     he could honestly say that since his epiphany as a nine year old boy when he figured his life was his ownbelonged to him he wasnt living to please his parents grandparents teachers his large extended family not the few friends he could relate with 

                                    he lived to please himself 

others thought that selfish 

No 

     putting oneself firstforemost forms healthy enduring relationships  he did not want to be swamped by a force of family and friends he understood that he was responsible for himself and that no one other than he was responsible for his happiness  without that peg pounded in at the apex his rawhide hung downhis choice extending it to others would honestly not help them 

   senses abilities     

0122,  Thursday,  4  1. 1990

2306,  Thursday,  18  5. 23

1655,  Saturday,  20  5. 23

Peggy Lee  Is That All There Is?  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPP6UgkmyM4 

Awmygawd  he thought Woudya shutup

he opened his mouth didnt give much mind what he was talking aboutshooting from the hip

                                                                                                  he was a lousy shot 

Woudya shut your piehole

So what do you think? 

Ya don wanna know what I think  Brayed brayed  brayed    

I mean really, what do you think?

Yawanna give yourself a pause 

                                     Yawanna thinkwho yare talkin to 

What do you mean?

Thas a good questionyare thinking 

                                        Think a bit more

I don’t know what you mea . . 

. . Actually ya do 

                      Let it simmer cure  marble   effervesce 

I can't unless I know what you’re talking about.

Were talkinbout your how shall I say thisYOUR  idiotic query  

                                                                    Ya might wanna save someones feeling tha you care about  an I don

I don’t figure.

Do you remember the question

   Hint 

You asked me wha I thought . . 

. . About what?

Gawddammit  Let me say this 

                                 As hominids evolved  a branch tha might have spunoff you woud have withered an died

Christ. 

        Jesus man, that’s rud . . 

. . NO  Yare ask was rude 

                             Which is why Im laboring not to answer you  Give you another shot at the merry-go-rounds brass ring saveya some grief   Save  Annabel  some grief

HINT

he walked ahead of him kicking small stones off the hardpack earthenpath that skirted the in-the-ground pool apron he lead him onto away from her so she couldnt hear 

                                                    she tried to hear everything

she was disgruntled when he motioned for her to stayput in the chaise lounge where she sat

WHAT? erupted out of him 

   Ill tell ya 

              Wha the Venn diagramyou an your fuckin Venns  would looklike of Annabels an my interaction    

Thered be a single circle  It woudnt be an overlap  Itd be hers   My circle isnt even in her orbit her scheme of things 

Youd be better off imaginingasking wha hers an yours woud look like

I don’t know what to say. 

NO You havent a clue 

                          Not wha to say not wha to askHushit  Please    I wanna think yare sharper than this

1330,  Reggaefriday,  19  5. 23

1604,  Saturday,  20  5. 23

he whistled a wolf whistle

people stoppedlooked

thats why he did it

                    he wanted to attraction their attention because Americans have been conditioned crass news cycles to lack longterm memory  to not remember a damn thing

WOLFWHISTLED to get their attraction  remind them 

                                                 TRUMPVIRUS 

hed been lax

             he hadnt said in 36days  last 14April  then 1,158,017 had died 

today the tally he used the word specifically because it was grotesque 1,164,019 are dead 

                                                                                          167 Americans a day 

sez so  because he refuses to forget

1214,  Saturday,  20  5. 23

wolf whistle black humour  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZaPScHXacM

https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/

she sat on her handsrocked back n forth back n forth  lookedqueer   made him uncomfortable

                                                                                                     in spite of her beauty

he asked Is tha a tic

suddenlystopped Where?  sharplyratcheting her head left right anagain hands stayed put she turned on them as she lookedglared   she barked Where?

Jesus realising he upset her No no  not the insect no  Tic  a tic T I C   An idiosyncrasy 

   Idio ah tic ah  the tension anxiousness leaked like air from a toy balloon abating dissipating  she rolledlolled her head her neck shoulders loosening 

                                     she eyed him I’m sorry I’m sorry . . I hate ticks . a little girl trauma . . they make my skin crawl.

Looked traumatic

a brokensmile crept on her lips That would be . friend . . . an understatement.

I apologise I didnt mean to make you uncomfortable

You didn’t know. 

                      An idiosyncrasy? 

Sitting on your hands

Ah that . . I forget I do it. 

                           I’m prone to gesticulate. haha  There’s tic again. 

Aw beat me to the punch

I’d punch you back.

                     she rocked her hips rockedleft freeing her right hand rockedright freed her left snapped her wrists getting blood flowing in her hands   My mother insists it’s unladylike to gesture. 

   Shes not here

                     I think whashe don know  wont kill her  

No. she giggled softly No, I suppose it won’t.

No it wont You be you 

                         I know we don know each other well but I like you  A moment ago you were nakedly yourself unabashed   honest  I find them exceptional qualities

   My mother wouldn’t like you.

Never can tell I have a way with mothers   Often theyve sealed the deal . .

. . Deal, sealed the deal? a lilt in her ask

Yes, acted as closers Women Ive met dated have had  er wha shall we call it . . 

. . We? You. 

                What do you call it?

Yes Correct 

               Wha do whawoud I call it  he put his hands together in his lap fingers interlaced looking down at them Now whos sitting on their hands  he smiled

she laugheddidnt cover her mouth then smiled large he was jealous of her dimples 

                                                                                     Your dimples are fetching

Thank you you’re not answering the question.

You interrupted

You seemed stymied.

Words matter   I was trying toas Im not often to explain this 

                                                                Women Ive dated have been  reticent at first unsure he chuckled I am charming apparently Theyre kinda of like native Brown trout hard to make raise flyfishing   cautious

Cautious.  Curious.   absently noddedwas sitting on her hands again 

                                                                          A fair assessment.  Honest. 

I am 

      I woud also say  many had been burned in the past By dishonestyhonesty may be queer unsettling  but I also understand I can be unsettling which is why I was struck by your remark

   Lonesome aberration?

Yes

       Ive been called worse     smiled

2320,  Thursday,  18  5. 23

1126,  Saturday,  20 5. 23

Octopus Diver  Black Cloud’s Shadow (33:18 minute-mark)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QY3-YeMEgdc

putting the newspaper downJesus Its sick world   he snickered 

                                                                     what made him do so was that as he said it he couldnt stop himself from playing Disneys It’s a Small World https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVpMUgKtds4 in his head 

           Twas good to have a sense of black humour

as a boy he finetuned it

Charles Stuart wasnt as clever as he thought

the October prior he claimed his car was invaded by a black assailant as he and his wife Carol left a childbirthing class at Bostons Brigham and Womens Hospital

the man forced them to drive to a black neighbourhood where he robbed and shot them

Stuart notified Police with his car telephone

Carol died although her body was sustained on “life-support” machinery so their child premature could be delivered

the boy was christened Christopher he died seventeen days later

the shooting setoffcloaked Boston under a racially intense atmosphere that endured for months

early January Stuart was indicted for murdering his wife

he committed suicide jumped off a bridge into the Mystic River his body was found the next day

                                                                                                       Sick Yes

The tragicbrutal loss of three lives  

though SICKER in the newspaper he set on the table then leftwalked away from a literary agent calling it “a wonderful, wonderful story”  

234preferred,  Monday,  15  1. 1990

353preferred,  Thursday,  18  5. 23

Me do me do.

boy was adamant

he didnt want him to put the shaving cream on his face Me do. 

                                                                   if he wasnt so cute hed be cantankerous

looking at him in the mirror he nodded  Yes  You do

boy held his hand out to him

he placed a dollop of Noxema Sensitive Skin on his fingersWAIT wait a moment  cautioning him with an upright indexfinger

he placed some on his fingers set the can down still looking at him in the mirror he swabbed some with the fingers of his other hand and began lathering his face cheeks chin under his jaw throat daubed under his nose

Me do monkey see monkey do

he did a fine job

two years old  very coordinated

he ran water and rinsed the excess cream from his fingers

Me do followed suit

he ran his razor under hot water and cautioned HOT

Me do ran a plastic toy pothandle from his cousin Bellys kitchen set that looked remarkable like a razor under hot water too

Now we shave  he began strokedup his throat  

                

boy noddedacknowledged him in the mirror

monkey see monkey do

Yare doin a great job

he nodded he concentrated  he shaved deftly

   when they finished Excellent Now we use a warm washcloth to soothe our skin

he halffilled the sink dropped in two cloths squeezed out one set it on the counter then a second for himself

Like this Remember its very WARM  he rubbed his face gingerly with it

monkey see monkey do

they placed the cloths back in the sink

he stepped awaycrossed to the towelrack  gathered two handtowels 

Me do stepped off the stool he stood on  together they dried their faces

After shave young man Original Old Spice

he nodded

a splash in eachs palm 

he enjoyed its astringency

YEOW 

     oops

two year old skin

he snatched a washclothwrung it out leaving it just wet enough and wiping his face he heard his wife hustling up the hall What’s going on! 

Were cool were cool

   not even into the bathroomcurious how well women can smell You gave him aftershave.

I did

       Rite of passage  our rites are evaporating

Ill give you a right. playfully she socked him in the shoulder  Come here baby. 

his skin was flushed

You seeing his skin?

AwJesus whadayatthink  a chemical burn

 

   she rubbed baby lotion on his face He’s still a baby.

I gotta disagree he needs to man up hes shaving now

Oh for Christssake. 

                       I want you in the kitchen and make your waffles, the girls are watching cartoons. she scooped Me do up in her arms  Come on, honey, you can watch cartoons with your cousins while uncle makes us breakfast. 

                                                                                                                 WHOOSH

they was gone 

   Man he thought  she ought to be grateful I was teaching him with a safety razor annot my straight edge  Our rites of passage are slipping away

            

2353,  Thursday,  25  1. 1990

1126,  Thursday,  18  5. 23

he chuckled a bit too hard 

                            woke her 

she got in latewas gone on a long hectic business trip in these circumstances he was familiar shed wake disoriented

he was not wrong 

                   Baby baby yare goodyare home got home late last night yare fine just fine  her tussling eased 

her eyes focusing 

lying beside her he smiled warmly Yare home love

a sleepy smile broke across her face 

she closed her eyes again 

                             Home. 

Yes  Im sorry I didnt mean to wake you

   sleepily You laughed.

Yes Isabel the cutiepie snuck in an left us a note

A note. her breathing deepeningdrifting back to sleep

Woudya like to hear

Yees.   Please.

Its on a napkin

To M an D 

            I’m up doing all my things, go back to sleep. P.S. I’m going to be fine. her breathing softening I’m not going to get into stuff I’m not pos to. he cuddled up to her kissed her forehead A.O.K. she smiledmumbled O.K. Love, Belly  It is 6:50.                           

she smelled like warm freshmade bread 

                                           A.O.K.

 

he followed herfell asleep to the rhythm of her breath it curling gently on his throat

   

2353,  Thursday,  25  1. 1990

1013,  Thursday,  18  5. 23

Octopus Diver  A Fireplace in the Universe  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvFZ4Kwt4gw

Isabels on a roll

at the dinner table

always lots of conversation coursed between family

he shared a Jack Smith LA Times story a calendar called The Exposition of Days was published  each month was headed by quotes from educators writers philosophers scientists on Life Service Ethics Morality similar uplifting subject  he particularly liked one from Harry Bender 

                                              he memorised it

Imagine the appeals/dissents and remandments/if lawyers had written/The Ten Commandments

went over like a lead balloon

Awright  howbout Irv Kupcinet  

                                 What can you say about a society that says God is Dead and Elvis is alive?

like attending a wake 

                       Comon ya guys This is great stuff

It’s not Dad.

Isabel before you go off anyare welcome to  but yare not leaving the table until you eat half of your meatloaf Its Uncle Ralphsbest damn meatloaf anyone puts on the table

Maybe not.

Hows tha  Elaborate

You say it’ll put hair on my chest. 

                                    I don’t want hair on my chest. I’m going to grow two hills.

Ohreally Whakind of hills Like this 

                                       he put his hands under his sweatshirt  breastheight he poked his indexfingers against it 

OHno no! Not like Auntie’s, like Mom’s. 

                                           Hers are just right.

   he had no argument

2145,  Twosday,  23  1. 1990

1441,  day-between-2-Ts,  17  5. 23

More Today Than Yesterday

lying on his belly on the carpet rubbed the outside of his hand  This is hard

his wife looked up from her crossstitch from her rocker  What’s hard, babe?

Writing in this notebook he shook his head  Its always been problematicyoud think by now theyd make a notebook for lefthanded people

Hmm. There’s a simple remedy.

Quit writing in my journal

No. Simpler. 

             Turn it on its head, binder right, free your mind.

he turned it 

             Sonofabitch

I’ll let your mother know.

Onbrother yare in rare form this evening Might suggest your crossstitch is going well Yare really making it an artformbreaking tradition almost freestyle

Thank you, trying to make it appear more like painting.

Mom woudbe over the moon Her abstractsI think were her best work

Frees your mind.  she chuckled

Yes 

    Speaking of free mind he looked up to her  Isabel keeps coming out of the blue on me

she looked up found him looking at her Shouldn’t surprise you she’s your daughter, you come out of the blue.

he chuckled  Stay off the walls

she pursed her lips Even when I ask pretty please you don’t.

I cant help myself theyre your friends ansome of them got their heads up their ass

And you like pointing that out to the whole room.

Subtletys lost on them Ya gotta slap em upside the headwhich is queer They are for the most part intelligent people  Tha old quotient working against them the smarter someone is unfortunately their common sense ticks dow . . 

. . And yours is up to your eyeballs.

Either common sense or horseshit

                                    You likedlike that about me 

I love that about you. 

                      Isabel?

Yah Do you know today is 

January Sixth.

Yes began singing On the twelfth day of Christmas . .  stopped  Yare right 

                                                                                Isabel asked Yaknow Dad, what today is?

Saturday

Yeah but . . what today is?

January Sixth

Yeahbut . . what it is?

Baby  evidently I don anya do   What is today

Dia De Los Tres Reyes.

I don speak adaEnglish

she set him earnestly in her eyes  It’s El Dia de los Reyes . . Reyes Reyes . that’s a really big hint, Dad.

Chile Reyes chile relleno  No

she harrumphed sounded like he punched her in the belly  Today’s the day the Three Kings arrived before baby Jesus.

I did not know tha anya know tha how

My teacher, Mrs. Garfield, she’s kinda churchy.

Shes a lot churchy

She said as we were leaving school yesterdaygoing out the door. I remember it because I didn’t know it. 

he said Kids got a mind like a sponge

she chuckled

               Remind you of anyone. chuckled harder  Anyone . in particular?

   Shes my kid

TADUMb! 

I caught tha

              Your silent b

You're so quick.

I hadhave to be  otherwise I woudnt have caught you my lil CIF State medalist in two events

You love me.

Forever

6Jan 1990

1023,  Day-between-2-Ts,  17  5. 23

Spiral Staircase  More Today Than Yesterday  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89eEa3RvCF4 

Blood, Sweat, and Tears  You’ve Made Me So Very Happy   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjZtRAoITP0