I live my broken dreams

                           Daniel Johnston            it is hard not to be a fan

suck it up

you can admit it

donbe a pansy

                what we left home forwent out into the world to pursue was like stalking a prey too quicktoo elusive  we shot too highdeluded ourselves

                                 but thats what youth is for  were still bendy pliable  bouncy   agile wouldnt be accurate   a twisted rubberband is not agile agile is sophisticated   bouncy aint

                                                                                      bouncy absorbs recovers reexpands regains its shape  bouncy cant think too much  the hurt hurts more when we pay attention to it

We don pay attention to it

No we don

Why are you speaking of we when you mean you  an us ofcourse

Careful careful

                 An us comes mighty close to the edge toes the line

An us aint no line

                   Maybe a line in the sand  in the sense that someone has sand or stones or balls           

Youre a riot

Were a riot

            Which brings me back to you using we  including others outside us   Speak for yourself

Yare correct I shouldI can only speak for myself  My apologeezs

Accepted

What I left home forwent out into the world to pursue was like stalking a prey too quicktoo elusive I shot too high

I deluded myself

                  But thats what youth is for  I was still bendy pliable  bouncy

However you were agile too sophisticated enough to cut your losses   not get lost

Yadidnt think I got lost

I thinkIm speaking for all of us an us   Quit your teasing   You may have driftedbecome aimless  but you surfaced againput one foot in front of the other again

                                    Everyone suffers reversals  Thats life isnt it 

Yes  Life 

Then youve done awright

Are we patting ourselves on our back

Sure why not  Well tell ourselves were putting out a fire  

1607,  Monday – Indigenous People’s Day,  11  10. 21

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICLXH8wdXhk

Sinatra  That’s Life  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnlPtaPxXfc 

it was sobering

                 he believed he was in an intimate relationship 

a friend told him

                   When she couldn’t talk to you, she talked to me.

Shed talk to you

         Yes.

             she may have thought he was going to ask her what they talked about   when he had an issue with someone he went directly to them he wouldnt listen to people who wanted to talk about others   Stop Im not listening talk to them

I doncare I donwanna know its between you   I just wanted to bounce what I thought off you.   No  Talk to them its none of my businessno way Im getting in between

he frustrated many people who tried to obliged himsaid how much they valued his opinion

I have no opinion

he couldnt talk to her

                      she was dead  he couldnt ask her Why didnt you sayAsk why wouldnt you say Why wouldnt you say   Why

a ghostly echo

                Please Joe stop . . you’re too honest . . . you're brutally honest.   You asked me love

 

he didnt try to persuade anyone

                                  he couldntwouldnt be persuaded 

regarding himhis life

                      he was sole counsel  who knew him better than he 

she was dead

she hurt him  

2030,  ReggaeFriday,  8  10. 21

1307,  Monday – Indigenous People’s Day,  11  10. 21

https://www.brainpickings.org/2021/10/10/thich-nhat-hanh-listening-love/

  

he wanted to see him blanchcouldnt resist himself

he turned to Denver one day hed ask her how her name came to be Yawanna see something I think is fascinating

You think it’d be fascinating? Most things that comes out of your mouth are fascinating . . yet you deflect, you say they’re not.

Thank youno matter this will be fascinating

                                              Watch Maxs face he didnt like Maximilianhis given name Guaranteed choice

I’m watching.

Say Max yacatch Norm Macdonalds standup the other evening

No, NetFlix’s right? I heard something about it; any goo . .

. . Its fuckin Norm Macdonald

Was it good?

He was sensationalbest bit of the evening autoerotic asphyxiation

SPASMMaxs face contorted   Didnt I tellya   He’s disgusted.   Certain sex disgusts him   What the fucks with you and that.   He cant even say it   This is nuts.   That that yamean autoerotic asphyxiation   JesusChrist! he looked like he had bile to spit  

Ohmy I keep forgettin yare a prude

You don’t, youyou, you constantly say things that disgust me.

Jacking off disgusts you

                         I heard tell ones ejaculation is halfagainonehunred percent stronger If true Id smash glass in the window I watch my neighbour Becky sunbathe naked through

Do me a favor, man, just shaddupshaddup about it . .

. . Ya wouldnt have known what it was if I hadnt told you

What? Denver asked her eyes rolled

Don’t you start with me, don’t you dare side with him.

I'm sorry, you didn’t know what autoerotic asphyxiation was?

I said don’t start with me.

You look like you’re going to puk . .

. . It’s pukeworthy!

Ask him about giving women hea . . 

. . Shaddup!

Joe smacked his lips So damn tasty

Don’t stop I’m gone.

Denvers eyes got really huge

                              This is unbelievable, freakin’ unbelievable, I’ve known you since we were kids . . you a monk?

No.

    It’s distasteful; yet Joe goes and goes and can’t keep a damn thing off the table.

Why would I

              Were all grownupbig boys

Denver shook her head

                         I must say, I think if I had a dick I might be temptedyou said a climax . a time an a halftwo times more powerful?

Yah

I’d definitely be tempted.

I wouldnt Id endup hanging myself  Cant explain that away

                                                                Id rather be eaten alive in an ad hocthough I wouldnt know it orgy with featheranleatherstrapped tattooed cannibal females

With huge titsjust to complete the picture

Fucking guy.  Denvers head hadnt quit shaking

Some funhuh

Not fun. said Max

Fuckin hilarious

                 Blame Macdonald

1915,  ReggaeFriday,  8  10. 21

1414,  Sunday,  10  10. 21

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/14/arts/television/norm-macdonald-dead.html

 

with a heavy heart the only analogy he has left 

it is brutal

           Drumpf Republicans are like the Germansthe Jews who sought to placate Hitler and his Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei  Nazis

1731,  Monday – Indigenous People’s Day,  11  10. 21

Dead Kennedys  Kill the Poor  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqnaHDdvh5I

 

                        pensee

subject  Perfect

Perfect

newborns pink nails

held soft in their mothers hand

through an incubator portal

shell be a tough cookie

 

1948,  ReggaeFriday,  8  10. 21

1109,  Sunday,  10  10. 21

 

Iowas Republican Senator Grassley at 88 vacillates or maybe he cant remember what his aides put out in his name very likely he quit thinking for himself long ago

his News Release regarding 6 January

                                          “Today’s violent attack on the U. S. Capitol was an attack on American democracy (voting rights) itself. This was not a demonstration of any of our protected, unalienable rights. These were un-American acts worthy only of condemnation. Those who plowed over police barricades, ignored law enforcement or desecrated out monument to representative democracy (at the formers behest) flouted the rule of law and disgraced the nation.”

Saturday 9 October Grassley aligned himself with the disgraced former

                                                                             “Anybody who’s got the approval rating of 91% of the Republicans in Iowa, you surely wouldn’t be stupid enough to turn down that help.”

he thought about it

                     perhaps Grassleys senileperhaps 91% of Iowa Republicans plus-one are nothing more than lemmings unable to think for themselves nits who enjoy being cultists

1511,  Monday – Indigenous People’s Day,  11  10. 21

https://www.grassley.senate.gov/news/news-releases/grassley-america-must-be-better

https://www.foxnews.com/politics/iowas-grassley-lines-up-with-trump-as-senates-most-senior-republican-runs-for-reelection

 

he agreed to move in with his brother

they had talked about it as teenagersthey werent teenagers any more

his brother said he found a perfect place a two bedroom apartment loft balcony a great room  

either as his brother explained it he didnt say it right or he didnt hear correctly

                                                                                   the difference might have been that his brother was a visual artist he was a writer his brother may not have understood the heft of his words as he described the place they painted it rather than etching them in blackanwhite typewriter bullet reportskeys cracking the confined paper

the apartment utilities were within his budget

                                                 he said Yah sightunseen happy seeing what he saw

when they went to move in neither were pleased

                                                   It’s not what I remember. his brother said

Looks nothing like you explained he said

walking through it talking about it they found their dreamy configurations were similar although more akin to seeing askewthrough beveled glass or reflections refracted by a carnival Funhouse mirror grit overlaid siftingshadows fucking palimpsest mergers

I see what you’re saying. his brother said

I can see what you were saying he said 

 

Give it a go?

I can give it a go Got my shit in the truck Nowhere else to go

My shit too.

Then were in

Yes, we are in.

they helped move each other in

got one truck then the other back to the rental centers and took a bus with transfers back near the apartment walkedjabbered the remaining short mile

 

lights were on

someone was home

he could smell food

                     My girlfriend asked if she could make us a homecooked meal for our first night home; I didn’t think you’d say no. She’s a good cook.

Maw-good cook

On par, though different than Maw’s.

Whas her name

Renne, not Renee, two ns not two es.

Renne

Perfect. Keep that up and she’ll have you speaking French before you know it.

Yare not

Hell no, words here and there, although I could listen to her speak for hours; it’s like music. We’ve only just begun seeing each other exclusively.

You  Exclusive

Ah . . slowly . . . but I think surely . eventually.

Renne knows  eventually

She knows, I’ve told her.

So I could tell her wouldnt ruffle her feathers

You could tell her, but after dinner, huh? 

he almost told her before dinner

                               his brother had told Renne that his family was physicalhugging kissing she slipped his extended handwent up into his arms her body was warm from cooking she smelled wonderful felt good  almost as tall as he she was taller than his brother

she served dinner on the diningroom table that had been their mothers clean Scandinavian design his brothers now served it under candlelight the three of them at one end his brother at the head

                                                                                    the candlelight nearly penetrated the sheer plum blouse she worethe embroidery down her breasts offered some modesty

                                                                                        but after dinner having moved to the livingroom sipping fruit aperitif backed by music he opened a window to better hear and smell the rain outside  a cool breeze entered erected her nipples  modesty closed shopwent out the window 

he offered her a cardigan he couldnt imagine his brother was oblivious maybe showing her off

she declinedhe was happy she said the fresh air felt goodhe felt good she looked good

they sat on the couch she leaned overput her hand on top of his she squeezed his hand  I think you and I are going to be very good friends.  

it was strange

he agreed to move in with his brother

                                       he may have gotten more than he bargained for

0321,  Twosday,  5  10. 21

0950,  Sunday,  10  10. 21

 

he contemplated the tarnished whitequartz broken rib that stuck out of the earths side 

it had been scoured by ancient seawater before a violent tectonic shift forced it upthe water to recedebecome a deep sonorous river that is the east boundary of the remote twisting gorge

the rib is dazzlingwhite in places  like fangs

                                               although its majority is rustcoloured  brittle   crumbling

it was his third trek in a day and a half hike  if one tried he tried once and failed taking the river theyd be blind its course narrow the water swift tall cutbanks anchorage untenable

the rib relished its solitude                                     

he applauded it they shared that 

                                    reverent existential solitaires

theyd visit twothree days

then retiring he heldup his hand  saluted it

                                              hiked out

until the next random time when he needed to be assured  vivified

2311,  Thursday,  7  10. 21

1122,  Saturday,  9  10. 21

 

hed give her the eyes followed up with the eyebrowswiggling emGrouchos eyebrows    Hmmmm

You kidding me?

If youll tell me what it is Ill kid you till the cows come home orya pass out

Kidding me . . teasing me.

Tease Hell Ill do better than that

                                  Whadaya say Toots hadnt time for Tootsy Wootsy

she didnt say

maybe she wasnt in the mood for Toots

Whadaya say Babycakes Sugarcube  VaVaVaVoom    apparently he had time for Tootsy Wootsy

What are you rambling about?

Jesus wasnt he obvious Im rambling because inside Im a bottle of soda pop shaken a teakettle on the boil a bastion under attack walls falling

                   I wanna kid ya right here on the floor hell with rug burns or I can sweep you up off your feet toss ya in bed an do our damage there

she shouldnt be slow on the uptakehed been taking her up on every opportunity he could contrivehe was contrivinghed nevernever get his fill of her

Yare teasing meyah

   Am I?

            she threw her head backlaughed gayly her mouth wide open

he snatched her off her feet

gave her Groucho eyebrows againnot that she saw

                                                   Think Ill tickle your fancy

fancy was between her legsthe back of her knees armpits throat belly breasts feverishly he sought more fancy to please her to please her

                    to please her

0343,  Sunday,  3  10. 21

1300, Saturday,  9  10. 21

Yare not so bad yareself  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSabiG8q8-k 

Ram & Sel  Screw You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOKICetkjd8

 

the subject is ice cream

                              had a pensee epiphany 

ice cream

cold smooth and sweet

turned lightly on her nipple

in a Prince Castle parking lot

creamy coconut cone

1308,  ReggaeFriday,  8  10. 21

Unloved   Guilty of Love   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiNKRdGExBw

 

whas one supposed to do

he had walked up on a clutch of five sixseven people  men  women

                                                                         a gal said plump glowing skin

he almost swallowed his tongue

heads bobbed in agreement

he wondered what the preamble had been

                                             wha plump glowing flesh

he took a sip of his Irish whisky neat

                                         Excuse me Im Joe hello everyone they nodded to himtheir nods distinctly different than their bobbles You said plump glowing skin

Yes. the woman who said it replied

Your plump glowing skin or someone elses

Mine, everyones.

Areya making a cosmetic pitch something you overheard a friends remark

No, not necessarily, but yes mine, and other’s if they wish.

Yamean I could get my hands on this plump glowing flesh

Flesh?

Flesh

Plump glowing skin . . skin.

I see  Aw nevermind

                       I imagined something else entirely different  he excused himself walked away from the group fingers crossed a seed or seeds planted

the women were attractive

 

later that evening as the party began to winnow out  Er, ah, excuse me Joe . .

it was the woman in the collective who described the plump skin 

                                                                     Yes

she smiled warmly he might say enchantingly

                                                    You said you imagined something else entirely different.

I did

Is that something . ah . . we could . . . explore?

Id love to

suddenlyhoarse Lemme get my coat.

he watched her walk away

                             she was every bit attractive walking away as she came

2303,  Thursday,  7  10. 21

1239,  ReggaeFriday,  8  10. 21

Unloved  If  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R4JP5bR734 

Ratt  What You Give is What You Get  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw3dwTtzETk

   Airbnb

           his kids teased himcalled him lame  he called it r-b-n-b   Air makes no fuckin sense unless were renting a dirigible   Dirigible. Who says dirigible anymore?   Yajust heard it come out of my mouth   Jeez, Dad.

the kids gotta complicate his life

                                 he liked seedy motels  they liked glam they liked room service on-site salon restaurants wanted to treat themselves to pedicures manicuresdidnt cure a damn thing   Pretty. he wasnt a fan

the Airbnb was a compromise

he told them two months earlier he didnt want to be anywhere but in a bar at the bar this Sunday  Bears would be playing in the Championship game

they made the plans anyway

Say ole man

             not old man ole man  You want to catch the game you’re gonna have to get it on the screen.  that was cruel  they made it seem like an incentive  him making the machinethe shit work

he didnt own one 

                   the Airbnb had an enormous flat screen  a 22inch diagonal was plenty for him   That’s because you don’t entertain.   I throw barbecues  We sit outside under the stars and yap  Who the hell wants to be inside if they don have to be

they arrived on a Thursday

the flat screen remained dark and mute

                                          kids werent tipping their hand  he could figure it outhe wasnt a stupid man

No Im an uninterested man   Your interest will grow. they played board games

Friday mute

              they built a thousand-piece Van Gogh puzzle

Saturday

           they went out for nice dinner and took in a late movie The Little Things at an Art Deco cinema

Sunday his kids wouldnt know Frankie Laines Never Come Sunday  It’s on you, Dad. We’re off to pickup some donuts, make the coffee would you, please?

                                  they left him to his devises

Fuck

       theyd let him hang himself they werent Bears fans 

hed have to find the damn remotes first

thankgawd they didnt hide them on himthat would have sent him over the moon hed walk to some distant bar to catch the game he might still do that

how hard could it be  they could do it

but he was an eidget with technology

they had a hate – hate relationship

whenever he told someone that they corrected him  It’s a love -- hate relationship.       

No I hate it it hates me

his kids would know Brigitte Bardots Contact either 

he took a deep breath  and dove in

 

when they returned with a dozenplus sweet rolls something with nutspecans and donuts he had the coffee on the flat screen On

           on the 65inch was a scintillating image of a womans torsoshe was on her back  natural large breasts  glitter sparkled in light honeycoloured oil that rolled down off her throatswept across her naked body accentuated with psychedelic coloured lighting  strobe

                                       music was synched with the films ardor  she had a fantastic body  she began writhingturning on one hip then the other then slipped like an eel onto her bellyon her knees ass sashaying breasts compressedsqueezeddown then tasteful merge shots overlays of her from below the sides abovebeforebehind exquisitely edited  sexual art

                   sipping black coffee he burned his tongue

Jesus, Dad!  was the chorus

hes heard it said  If it wasnt for bad luck Id have no luck at all

he believed if it wasnt for dumb luck hed have no luck at all

he missed the opening kickoff 

          

2311,  Thursday,  7  10. 21

1134,  ReggaeFriday,  8  10. 21

Frankie Laine  Never Come Sunday  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ifUTPy7Ats

Brigitte Bardot  Contact  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SE_K7SSDKg

Bladerunner 2049  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuV2c-6js8w 

Merge  https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/what-is-double-exposure-photography/ 

Ray Charles  If It Wasn’t for Bad Luck  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AodHdQ4O_U 

he looked around the lightthe colour was different sky trees flowers   paler 

                                                                                 something was off

Fercryinoutloud he wished he was intuitive  he could realeyes   struggled to intuit

somethings amiss

he felt wellthe difference felt external to him  externalised    external lies

                                                                              external lies the issue

Wha

     wha

one of hes cautioned patience

                               Let it in  Like drowning  Ifya don fight it its over quicker

Drowning macabre lil shit

                          Yare right thank you  that helpsreally helps

Yare welcome

like drowning he clogged his ears noseshut his eyes minimised his sensory perceptions  satstill in the pale yellow sunlight

he and his force hunkered down patiently

                                            it must have been like this during air raids hiding in tunnels cavesbehind false wallssuddenly bombs the enemy had supernatural abilities

                                                                           he wondered if he was even breathing 

his body began to cool  the sun fell lower in the sky

                                                      inside him shadows grew longer

There space   a slight space among hes  those to either side of it were suddenly aware of it too  they appeared to worry he was going to accuse themwarily looked back at him they knew better 

                                                                                   he smiled bemusedrelieved put them at ease  it wasnt their fault

 

she was missing 

               his hes were hims and hers  she was missing   she had made the difference he witnessed

he opened his eyesunplugged his ears his heart beat unplugged his nose

                                                                                       she made the difference

he was abandoned by an angel

 

 

he could only hope it was temporary

2156,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  6  10. 21

1339,  Thursday,  7  10. 21

Unloved  Tell Mama  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePrARKG5g_w