it seemed to himNO seemed was the wrong word
he wasnt sure what the right word
was
he wasnt sure what the right word
was or
if it existed
what was an appropriate word for
an inappropriate feeling
sense
the heightened sense of being alive
still in whatever this thing of being
alive was and is
he became more alive when someone
he knew died
he was more more alive when someone he was related to died
he remembered his cousin Bernard
he couldnt say how many times
they skirmished fist-fought
I dont know what gets into those boys
when they get together They get away from the adults and theyre at each others
throats
he always got the best of Bernard
Bernard at his legs
trying to pull himself up
pulling at his legs or his pants
both bruised and bleeding
Bernard trying to get
up while he stood over him telling him
to stay down stay down
his fists balled
their uncles concerned watching
except for Bernards father
he
was enraged
touting Bernard to get up Get
up!
their aunts pulling in their
harnesses wanting to intervene but behind the uncles
Stay down
if you stand Ill beat you down again
it was a perverse dance
usually two beat downs were
enough
once he got to his feet a third
time
dazed
weaving
he waited until he put his fists up
to defend himself
fists up he barreled into him
again
Bernards fists were ploys
there was nothing behind them
he hammered him a couple more times
Bernard dropped
the other boy cousins looked on
they stayed out of it
he understood Bernard was incensed
but was hopelessly outgunned outmaneuvered
he understood his outrage
knocked down
getting back up into it saving
face
thats what you did even if you didnt want to
in their late teens it stopped
he was tired of the bullshit on
the ride to Indiana from his parents
he was tired of the fights
he walked into his aunt and
uncles backyard at the farm and said simply Hey Bernie as he rocked in
a wood glider
Bernie didnt say anything for a
bit
then Hey
he hated his name
the other cousins called him Bernie
Bernard was a provocation
as a young man Bernie grew into
his mans body like his father barrel chested big side to side as he was tall
Bernie probably stood a good chance of
beating him then
but they didnt fight
Bernie only had to look in the mirror
to see the scars to remind him and the reminding probably fixed
doubt in his skull
a doubt he never overcame or
perhaps wanted to try
a daunting proposition to fight one against two
Bernie died Friday
he found out today
Bernies death made the world
intensely more sharp
he felt intensely alive
intensely inhuman
intensely
immortal
strange to be
mortal and think of yourself
as immortal
it happened every time
he had no idea what that was not whatsoever
probably
recognising he was alive
probably knowing he was feeling and sensuous
and Bernie wasnt
feeling a bit perverse
1507, Twosday, 20 9. 16
