it seemed to himNO  seemed was the wrong word  

he wasnt sure what the right word was

he wasnt sure what the right word was or if it existed

what was an appropriate word for an inappropriate feeling

                                              sense

the heightened sense    of being alive

still in whatever this thing of being alive was  and is

he became more alive when someone he knew died

he was more more alive when someone he was related to died

he remembered his cousin Bernard

he couldnt say how many times they skirmished fist-fought

I dont know what gets into those boys when they get together They get away from the adults and theyre at each others throats  

he always got the best of Bernard 

Bernard at his legs

trying to pull himself up

pulling at his legs or his pants

both bruised and bleeding

Bernard trying to get up while he stood over him telling him to stay down stay down

his fists balled

their uncles concerned  watching 

except for Bernards father

                     he was enraged

touting Bernard to get up  Get up! 

their aunts pulling in their harnesses wanting to intervene but behind the uncles

Stay down

if you stand Ill beat you down again

it was a perverse dance

usually two beat downs were enough

once he got to his feet a third time

dazed 

weaving

he waited until he put his fists up to defend himself

fists up he barreled into him again

Bernards fists were ploys

there was nothing behind them

he hammered him a couple more times

Bernard dropped

the other boy cousins looked on

they stayed out of it

he understood Bernard was incensed

but was hopelessly outgunned outmaneuvered

he understood his outrage

knocked down

getting back up into it saving face

thats what you did even if you didnt want to 

in their late teens it stopped

he was tired of the bullshit on the ride to Indiana from his parents

he was tired of the fights

he walked into his aunt and uncles backyard at the farm and said simply Hey Bernie as he rocked in a wood glider  

Bernie didnt say anything for a bit 

                            then Hey

he hated his name

the other cousins called him Bernie

Bernard  was a provocation

as a young man Bernie grew into his mans body  like his father barrel chested big side to side as he was tall

Bernie probably stood a good chance of beating him then

but they didnt fight

Bernie only had to look in the mirror to see the scars to remind him and the reminding probably fixed doubt in his skull 

a doubt he never overcame or perhaps wanted to try

a daunting proposition to fight one against two

Bernie died Friday

he found out today

Bernies death made the world intensely more sharp

he felt intensely alive

                   intensely inhuman

                                                intensely immortal

strange  to  be  mortal  and  think  of  yourself  as  immortal

it happened every time

he had no idea what that was not whatsoever

probably 

        recognising he was alive

probably knowing he was feeling  and sensuous      and Bernie wasnt

feeling a bit perverse

1507,  Twosday, 20  9. 16