when things occurred to him he didnt like to lose them he liked to capture themwrite them down rather than trust he would remember them when he knew things occurred all the time to him and his skull didnt have space enough to hold the binders

             it was from last night 

he was rubbing CBD salve into his daughters hands her fingers wrists forearms biceps her shoulders across the back of her neck up to the base of her skull

he watched her closed eyes to determine his pressurewatched how her eyes moved under her lids he didnt want her to flinch

      he HA not he  she was honing him hed been massaging her every evening for more than two months anif he did say so himself he was getting good at reading her by watchingintently her closed eyes

as he worked her fingers one at a time on her right handher arm had been useless for three months a strong memory overwhelmed him he admired her long slender fingers he hadnt noticed before

he was perplexed

                   nothing like this had happened before

but

    he went along with it

it was that sensethat growing excitement meeting a new woman a woman he wanted to have sex with

                                                                                                              anticipating if it would be tried and true or step afield  try something new whynot

                                                                            they were young supple  willing   he anticipated the adage Alls fair in love and war hed been in both  salivated  No holds barred

she put her fingers in his mouth and fondled his tongue   

                                                         he salivated spit ran onto his lips chin throat  still she fondled his tonguenuzzled and kissed his throat smeared her chin and cheeks and lips with his spit sighed deeply then dropped her head to take him in her mouthfondling his balls squeezing them tugging them reminding him who was in charge

       firmly she reminded him who the devourer was who the devouree was

he didnt have the same leverage when he turned the tables on her he wasnt predatory in her feline fashion the physical duress of his ejaculation weakening him

                                                     rather than thrust and plow as much as he wanted to biding his time he worked her furrows with his tongue made her suck her breath an when she got panickytried to pull him off her by his hairbucked her hips he locked out her legsheels to her fanny spreadwide he snarled an bit tonguelashed and tried to suck her inside out    

then  there were her noisescrieswailings gasps  she was over the moon eyeball to eyeball with stars

somehow she didnt break his nose she did bust his lip  though she might be saving up for when she decided to break his fucking neck

                   maybe

she had him by the balls again

he was okay with that

                        OhBrother was he ever

                                                                                                                                   then

she came up for air 

wide green eyes

she placed two fingers to her lips and spit 

she used her thumb to spread the wealth between them

                                                                                                                       then

taking him in her mouth againrunning the backs of her fingersher knuckles down his balls a quiet playful knock at his anus

     Huh

she took him deeper

                     in more ways than one

one eye opened wider

his breath caught

she took him deeper

a playful knuckle

                   Waitwait   Wait for me

a playful companion

                    GASP  Wait

they backed out

                 No Wait  Wait for me

friends forward againhead bobbing furiously

                                             suddenlydeep a choke fingers popped out

                                                                                         AWSHIT he growledgasped

they didnt smoke

weakly he said  I feel like we ought to share a cigarette

We don’t smoke.

Well smells like something burning

she wrinkled her nose sniffed

                                That’s passion you’re smelling

thought again @ 0840,  Day-between-Two-Ts, 12  2. 20

1207,  Saturday,  15  8. 20                                                                                              

McCoy Tyner  Contemplation  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wgzEIPsJDw       

when a fraud complains of fraud . . its fraud

                                                https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/aug/13/donald-trump-usps-post-office-election-funding

O Fake One  swallow your tongue an choke on it

1702,  Reggae Friday,  14  8. 20

welp that put a stopgap in his breathinghe wasnt sure hed ever heard anyone say that 

                                                                                                why would they

it had began as a pleasant conversation about the film Quills and the Marquis de Sade

then Tarzan went down the rabbithole chasing the thought that the Marquis and the singer Sade might be related

The de sent you chasing Really

                                   Reel off some latter day marquises youre familiar withcuz Im not It refers to nobility that once existedan maybe some families still play the gamestroke their dicks refer to themselves as marquises or dukes or earls counts   Count Dracula

Sades Nigerian Sade Adu in Yoruba dialect  Sade was French

Yeah. No. Sade’s not related. You think off the beaten pa . . 

. . Yah Off the path and into the spiny bramble

                                                  I hope it took gobs of flesh for its amusement for your discomfort 

Have you not heard of de Sade Sadism stemming from his namehis sexual appetites

I have heard of sadism.

I heard of the Marquis for years before I actually got my hands on a book . . they were considered pornographicwere censored

I like to read censored books to determine for myself an every book Ive read that was censored shouldnt have been 

Like comedy clubs

Nothings off the table

So if youre going to be offended  Dont fuckin go in

Ah . . you’ll have to excuse me, I’m somewhat a pornographic virgin.

                                                                       he couldnt breathe

1209,  Reggae Friday,  14  8. 20

Sade  The Sweetest Taboo  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s9VY9kqgfE

pissChrist

            the moniker formed up nicely in his skull Michelangelo may have had his hand in it as he soaked in a hot bath with Epsom salt listening to Miles Davis A Tribute to Jack Johnson

his brother found it yuck yuck yuck and thought to send it to him Yuck Yuck Yuck an old metalworked curlicue crucifix that their mother had squirreled away before she died  apparently one of more than twenty 

his father was clueless

                         but arent husbands when Mamaws rule the roost

his brother YUCK YUCK YUCKed all the way to the post office to mail the crucifix YUCKed mailing it to his atheist older brother

Whadafuck he thought as he took a package out of the postbox

                                                                   he was expecting a book delivery when he found it in the mailbox he thought the book would be heavier then he got pissed that maybe the book was in paperback and printed in a miniscule font that hed have to read with a magnifying glass  Onethousandanone pages   OhFuck me

taking it into the house he slipped a knife insliced the package open

Hmmnope

            not the book he was relieved he had no idea what it was

it was wrapped in packing paper

peeling away the packaging he noticed his brothers return address he didnt recognise his brothers handwriting his brother hadnt written in more than ten years

he wrotehe wrote his parents and siblings

they rarely wrote back  Too busy!

                                     Nah Crap Too fuckin lazy particularly when he told them he wouldnt be offended if they replied with a postcard

                              a simple postcard Hi! Wishing you were here. nobody wished he was there he was the proverbial fly in the ointment as family they shared were disagreements

when one said something he disagreed with he was immediately in their face

his Maw would say he was being rude not exhibiting good manners  hed been brought up better than that he loved that one

Excuse me Maw this is your motley crew You give em marching orders and theyre too thick not to push back

I’m their mot . .

. . Youre my mother

                     Donmake a bit of difference to me Were adults an Ill be damned if you think you can walk all over me because youre my mother I don play that game  No  No Mother May I

inside the packing paper was a nondescript deepred shallow cardboard box  inside it was the crucifix

he called his old mans number his kidbrother had been staying with his dad since his Maw died

his kidbrother answered Whadaya want? he was very humoured

I wanna talk to you

About?

Youre fuckin hilarious Whadaya think

Is it bigger or smaller than a breadbox? Haw hawhawhaw

You know exactly how big it is

It’s funny, huh?

Hilarious 

I was damn near cryin’, I laughed so hard at the post office window that the clerk almost offered me a Kleenex to wipe my eyes but I held up my handkerchief. She said It’s pretty funny, huh? I told her it was a scream. She started laughing. It’s nice to laugh when you don’t know what you’re laughing about.

It is Thank you I suppose

Where are you hanging it?

Im not hanging it

Maw had better than twenty; hell, I took one, I hung it.

Im not hanging it

I got an idea.

Yah

Yeah. My stolen painting . . . when he left Chicago to drive to Montana he took a painting his kidbrother did a piece of 15x15 plywood  he nailed slats to its edges to configure a frame about it the slats were from a partition wall they took down to enlarge their bedroom so they could quit sharing a queen bed the painting was on an orange field an oval outlined in a muddiedweave of gold and deepred the oval was a mottled drab deepgreen if he were polite if he were in mixed company he might have called it an olive  if he were rather he called it an asshole . . . My stolen painting, that your brotherinlaw complains about when he uses the head . . 

. . That he sees his brothers assholes

Yes.

What of it

Hang the crucifix there, give him a break from his brothers’ assholes. 

                                                                         they both burst out laughing

Whichah which ah do you think hell prefer since hes an atheist tooWrong hes agonistic fuckin alwaysalways hedging his bets no absolutes

You say he’s a bit of a homophobe too?

Yah Homophobe  but girl on girl is just fine and dandy

Yeah, it’s fine and dandy, it’s like candy.

Better

Aw, you’ve always been keen on that.

Have Was introduced to it when my mind was malleable

Your mind’s never been malleable. That’s why you’re a muthafucker.

Thank you but for an itsy bitsy bit I was

                                             Whadathink  I think hell prefer the asshole to the pissChrist

PissChrist?

Yah takin a pissthere he is Though have you noticed his head leans is turned right If Maw had one where hes looking straight ahead and down watchinim piss Oh Brother would have knocked it out of the park

I believe all crucifixes and icons have Christ’s head turned right.

Too bad  I would have thought at this late date someone would have turned it left  For cryinoutloud its the Twentyfirst Century

I hear you.

Innarested in makin a dream come true

No.

     I agree. He’ll prefer the asshole.

Great choiceshuh pissChrist or asshole

1259,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  8. 20

1309,  Reggae Friday,  14  8. 20

$168K -- killed

when a fraud complains of fraud . . its fraud

                                               https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/aug/13/donald-trump-usps-post-office-election-funding

O Fake One  swallow your tongue choke on it

1702,  Reggae Friday,  14  8. 20

the President gives credence that hes a retard in the parlance of his upbringing to compliment his abysmal racism and misogyny     

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-gives-credence-to-false-racist-harris-conspiracy/ar-BB17Wb2T?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

                                  asshole

2021, Thursday,  13  8. 20

on 17 January 1933 Anais Nin confessed

                                             I suspect that I am most of the time in a dream state.

87 years later he suspects the same

words and events happening around himinside him wouldnt exist without his presence 
he freed them 

audacious

yes

but when he dies it will die with him

                                              and it will die altogether when the last sentient being dies

1204,  Thursday,  13  2. 20

1134,  Thursday,  13  8. 20

Love

Death

& Taxes

Blood

Sweat

& Tears

he hadnt put them together before

maybe he was just thick

they jived

he had oodles to say of Death & Taxes

                                       though Death exhausted himtoo many dead in a short time aunt uncle daughter mother niece neighbours a best childhood friend 

                                                   felt like a sadistic carnival barker had set up shop and was jeering Step right up! Step right up, Ladies and Gentlemen! Step this way! Freakish death your fancy? Just behind this curtain, step right up, guaranteed to curl your hair!

his daughter was deathly ill when his aunt and uncle died he didnt have time to mourn  when his daughter died grief swept him up like a tsunami he was still spinning and flailing just under the surface when his mother died two weeks later

       itd been like that since 

he had yet to properly mourn his daughter

his mother would be next

terrible to have to prioritise ones grief

Taxes

they taxed him

paying tributes

why was he paying tribute to an assbackward system that celebrated and catered to the wealthy zealously  myopically  while it turns its eyes askance when challenged to regard the monstrous portion of Americans who struggled every day to keep their heads above water  keep Americas Free Market lubricated with their blood

ably the system sustained the rude pyramidthe pinnacle of pearly Haves towering above the base rheumy Have-Nots

theyre not as pretty

the system was devious manipulative  crass

he stuck with Love and Death

Money cant buy ya Love

Money cant buy-off Death 

1150,  Thursday,  13  2. 20

1101,  Thursday,  13  8. 20

Beatles  Can’t Buy Me Love  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBSpmoA8V78

when she died she would take her mothers eyes with her 

he hadnt realised that beforehadnt realised the quiet subconscious comfort his daughter  her eyes  had given him since his wife died  

             at a suddenin a panic he told her

her eyes widened she shrugged slightly she smiled her ventilator mask rose though he couldnt see her smile
                                                                                                                     then . there . . . there . . in her eyes . shone her smile

I had to tell ya baby

she blinked once  Yes.

when his daughter died another quiet possession would be stripped from him
                                                                                  his daughtertheir daughter his daughters eyeshis wifes eyes evidence that her motherhis wife existed
                                                                a brook that insisted he wasnt deludedhe hadnt dreamed his wife to utterly selfishly fulfill himself

when his daughter died his grip would be more unreliable

their lives together were too short
                                 onehundred years would have been too short

despite his helphis jumping on command to try and secure what they neededwhen they needed it most
when they needed it most

HA he wasnt a god
                        mortals cannot intercede or heal

when his daughter died he would be less   diminished  dulled

he would have to live with less

and as time past

even less

Natures way

1139,  Thursday,  13  2. 20

1220,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  8. 20

Sparklehorse  Eyepennies  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTNvoWzRmhg

It’s a Wonderful Life  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vKhVUhX6_M

he asked

she blinked once

Yes

twice meant No

simple

distilled communication

functional

all parcels parsed

minimal

on the eyegaze machine

                           y   n

shortesthand

no exposition

heartbreaking she finally conceded

                                      y  to a larger morphine dose

4 days after her physician prescribed it

4 breathing

4 pain

she dragged her feet

y b in pain he asked

n  p

he smiled sadly yet bemused they were athletes they defined p as discomfort they refused to allow p a purchase

                                                                                                                        not p

he showed her the dose in the modified syringe

she blinked once

he took a breath

they knew where this was going

he infiltrated the morphine through her g-tube

she closed her huge beautiful brown eyes 

she had her mothers eyes

she wept

           tears filled the inside corner of her left eye

her eyes were sunken

                        tears when she allowed them heartbreaking collected

he went to dab her eye

he saw himself reflected in the quiet pooled tears

                                                     looking beyond his reflection he saw her on her seventh birthday playing on a Slip N Slide in the grass with friends she handpicked from among all her friends

                                                                                                  who were invited by telephone calls to their parents  they sidestepped the injury of not receiving a paper invite at school

it was a beautiful gay sunlit day filled with crystalspray splashing and thrilled laughter

he used the same Kleenex to quiet his tears and hold to his mouth as he left the room so she wouldnt hear him moan wouldnt hear him cry 

                           p

Day-between-Two-Ts evening,  12  2. 20

1052,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  8. 20

he tried to sleep

he was exhausted

he didnt want to imagine again what he had been imagining recently to fall asleepthat let him sleep

she forgave him when he told her though he wasnt sure he would be able to forgive himself later

she used her eyegaze machine and wrote If it works, Dadu, whynot? she wrote whynot as he wrote whynot in letters to her her eyes smiled over the top of the ventilator mask strapped to her head

to fall asleep he rolled himself inside a carapace an angled shiny skin

                                                                         blastfurnace heat inside icycold without

a dichotomy separated by an Kafkaesque insect scale

he didnt know if inside or outside was his comfort or why it worked

                                                                           it just did

2038,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  2. 20

1544,  Twosday,  11  8. 20

                                    when she woke suddenly stunnedwoke to her living nightmare  she was terminallyill

he hopedcrossed his fingers that she woke from a beautiful dream

                                                                      but no one wakes in terror from a beautiful dream
no one wakes gasping unable to breathe eyes bulgingswinging around the room for help because she cant help herself hadnt been able to help herself for better than two months

                                                           wholly dependent on her husband sister and father

frightened

          what could be more frightening than being terminallyill at forty years old with two young daughters and all the things they had planned to do things  she had planned to do

2033,  Wednesday,  12  2. 20

1517,  Tuesday,  11  8. 20