sobering

                 . . . heroin . . .: It makes you feel good about yourself, especially in the beginning. It makes you feel good about other people.  . . . a guy named Bill and I hadn’t thought much about him or what the drug would be like but the careful way he tied off my arm and found my vein, the way the needle went in, so thin and delicate, the whole experience of this random guy I never saw again shooting me up in an abandoned house was exactly what a young girl dreams love can be.

sobering

              I don’t plan on having a long life. Or a short life, necessarily. I have no plan at all. The thing is you keep existing whether you have a plan to do or not, until you don’t exist, and then your plans are meaningless.

yup  genuinelysober

he wasnt a gay tard

                       read words like those Rachel Kushner showering him  why he reads her

wouldnt say she was noir

not Dashiell Hammett

Raymond Chandler

Patricia Highsmith

Chester Himes

Walter Mosley

James Ellroy

Ken Bruen

               but

she was something else

heroin

meaningless life

she grabs him by the throatcompels him

                                           and thats enough a reason to thank his mother he did incessantly  particularly when she tried to take books from him a Jewish bookdealer kept him on literature the Jew said Literature banned  a reason to thank his mother for teaching himinspiring him to read  on his own

                                                                                               because

she told him his four younger siblings needed to be cared for an Irish twin  the others year after year after year

    she needed him out of her hair

                                     Maw  Woudya rea . .

. . You can read, I’m busy, son. You have your basic phonetics. You have a dictionary.

                                                                                             Explore.

when she caught him reading a banned novel in the housealmost lost her mind

    Walk away Maw

                        You told me      Explore

she couldnt bitch

                    whatever words crawled up in her throat croaked in her mouth   she shrugged

he kept her shrugging until he left home at eighteen

                                                        You have young children to care for

they were seven then

                        his parents

wholesome Catholics

                         despite not practising tried to make him practise

Folks I practise things I want to be better at

                                                   Aint my cup of tea

those pearls fell from his mouth when he was eight no more than nine

                                                                            when it dawned on him

stomped his backkicked him in the head a few times

                                                            Its my life

another way to look at him

    he was a pain in the ass

1400,  Saturday,  3  10. 26

1614,  Saturday,  10  10. 26