Sunday yesterday   virtually a year ago   he felt his mind seizefelt it become brittlebecome a pathetic honeycomb a pane of unreflective glassSAW his mind shattering  and thought This is what a nervous breakdown a mental breakdown must be 

                      he couldnt in that moment go to his daughters bedside to touch her look into her eyes would have destroyed his mind like a hammer blow 

he saw the irretrievableness of it 

so he backpedaled  Please  in a moment please just not now

                                                                 his voice sounded like a frightened little boys

he was   

it would be the second time hed say goodbye to her 

goodbye

            because she felt she was dying                                                                                           

 

he didnt know if her death was courageous

                                             like a fixture a cheap fixture  he could imagine courage as something cheap – thats telling tells of his state of mind

however  it was the way his daughter chose to die 

the reality is    everyone  has to face their death devise their exit strategy sounds fuckin cavalier  but here you go  because she told him as much told him as much as she knew that he truly despised the phrase  It is what it is, Dad.

 

we  will  die

               and how – for the most part – we die  will fall to our decision 

then seeing that decision through

an existential decision

the matter of ones life  and ones death

so  yesterday   Sunday    virtually a year ago 

                                                     he was able to return to his daughters bedside and tell her again what they shared in the ICU three months earlier they cried several times they had to take her ventilator mask off and try to have her blow her nose had to suction herher nose and throat so she could continue to breathe  continue to breath  continue to breath 

                                  let that sink in    BREATHE

that which we take for granted every day  an involuntaryautomatic voluntary action respiration  if people had to think to breathe to be mindful hed suggest the worlds population might be less than half 

                                                                                              BREATHE

on the 27th

her ventilator mask removed

she stopped

1020

                                      

444 or 1644,  Sunday,  21  2. 21

1509,  Monday,  22  2. 21