when he was struggling a rheumatologist insisted it was RA -- rheumatoid arthritis  he insisted that the doctor was full of shit

13 markers

              as they wound down the questionnaire and concluded he counted 3  the doctor counted 11

Doc How is it our assessments are so varied Did you not listen to what I was telling you

I heard you very plainly.

Plainlyyoull excuse me for saying so but you might have dirt in your ears Three is not eleven but were not doing a recount 

         You say RA An the treatment is what

the doctor elaborated on the names of three medications two which he blatantly wouldnt afford the remaining one was doable

We could submit a request to the manufacturers pleading for grant to reduce your financial burden.

Or doc we could tell them theyre raping patients and prettyplease knock their prices down

That’s not how it works.

Itd work that way if professionals such as yourself bellyached and government would get up off their hands an asses But thats not going to be for another time Ill take the script for the medicine

I can’t give you a script right now. You’ll have to go to the hospital and have tests run to create a baseline for me first.

A baseline Why

I need a baseline on your health, the health of your organs, so we can track your progress, or process, if you prefer.

The health of my organs Specifically what organs are you talking about they werent talking

Your internal or . . 

. . Donbeat around the bush doc

Your heart, kidneys, lungs . . 

. . Why

Why? Because this class of medication is known to affect them.

 

he was buying him time to explain the affects  if minor  if deleterious    the dead air in the examination room sounded like the static that played off old television tubes when he turned the set Off

 

Affects doc

Your organs can be damaged.

Why would I take something for RAwhich to me is nothing more than pain alleviate my pain at the expense to my organs

 

maybe he did have dirt in his ears

Nah doc save your script Ill negotiate the pain Comin in I thought mebbe I couldnt take it but youve assured me I can 

Ill show myself out Thank you for your time Ill not seek your help in the future

the specialist sat there he couldnt read his face hed bet the doc was a good poker player

 

it was a mean ten months three hot baths a day Epsomsalts lavender oil  his daughter who studied so that she and her family could be as natural as possible selected an array of vitamins and herbal remedies

they werent going to attack his organs

a mean ten months bilaterally assaulted asif he had a blowhole in the top of his head and was cut down to his anus a perfectly balanced attack How you feeling, Dad? Still uncomfortable Still painfully? Still uncomfortable baby only uncomfortable Not using the p-word You’re something else, Dad Thank you love With your help yare making me something else

 

he called it a remission he knew itd revisit  

 

during the worst of the uncomfortableness he hadnt words for it 

                                                                    he was reading Olga Tokarczuks Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead he made it a point to read Nobel Peace Prize winners for Literature Ms Tokarczuk had the words he lacked

“Whenever I find it hard to know what to do with myself, I imagine I have a zipper fastened in my belly, from my neck to my groin, and that I’m slowly undoing it from top to bottom. And thenI pull my arms out of my arms, my legs out of my legs, and takemy head off my head. As I extract myself from my own body, it falls off me like old clothes. Underneath them I’m finer, soft, almost transparent. I have a body like a Jellyfish, white, milky, phosphorescent. This fantasy is the only thing capable of bringing me relief. Oh, yes, then I am free.”

it also occurred to him that death could be the same

 

Thursday afternoon,  17  12. 20

1344,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  23  12. 20