he couldnt speak for othershe wouldnt he was floored when someone piped up and declared what so-an-so would think or say or do JesusChrist the audacity  then it occurred to him that someone might have spoken for him behind his back his hackles went up at the mere thoughtNO he wouldnt speak for anyone other than himself

he had sat down to write a letter to a friend about a subject that recently was offered him attemptingperhaps to explain how his familyhis childhood family had treated his sister as she fought cancer for ten hard years before it took her

her body killing her

they said it might be something called relationally incapacitated 

                                                                     without knowing what the concept entailed he wasto say the least s h o c k e d  bruised by what the paired words communicated although he was immediately more prone to accept the notion than deny it to defend them why would he do that he acted nothing like they did  he acted exactly like his dead sister

he found an article  it began “Absence of the mother . . ” or mothering perhaps he inferredthe damn neighbor fired up his blower ostensibly to blow away leaves shaken down by the wind that whipped the neighbourhood and ran in tandem with a twenty hour rain that had fallenGawddammit The grounds wet the leaves are wet its gonna rain some more  over his muttering he heard his neighbor curse the machine it wasnt blowing the leaves off his drive the engine revved louder the leaves adhered to the blacktop NOhe wouldnt speak for others Use a fuckin broom an a shovel if you want the leaves up so badly People so damn lazy  And I got to listen to this shit . .

he set the article aside

                         he opened a new page a distraction art an article on art about a Rembrandt showing in London  he opened another page on Rembrandt Images which triggered Modigliani Images Picasso Rivera Tamayohe opened other pages Frida Images he couldnt say how long he took turns at magnifying certain drawings and canvaseshow long the space grew in his chestthat sensation that flowed in him like fresh blood asif he was transfusedthat sensation that always rushed himaccompanied him as he looked at artthe reason that possessed him and led him to museums and galleries hundreds of miles away . .

then atasudden he realised no outdoor noise  his hearing flipped on again after he turned it off the neighbor and the leafblower had desisted

rain was falling

it whispered

he blew kisses to the artwork closed their windows gently one at a time willowing the menu back to the single page that brought him to the computer in the first place 

a pot of coffee brewed toast Sorrento orange marmalade and two cups later "Absence of the mother . . mothering . . and growing up without significant personal contacts from the start of a child’s life, unaccompanied by the influence of an externalizing environment, favor the emergence of an apathetic and relationally incapacitated ego which “plays the role” of an ego without fulfilling its synthesizing role . . favor the emergence of a tendency to avoid relationship and introjection . . favor the emergence of ego-inflation characteristic of an aggressively egocentric psychopath . . ”

he didnt know the term introjection

introjection “Children are looking to their environments to define them. They look into the faces of their caregivers and they see mirrors. They do this, however, not simply to see themselves, but also because they fear abandonment. They feel that they must be whatever is in that mirror in order to maintain a relationship with their caregivers. What they receive from those upon whom they utterly depend is overwhelming. Their sense of self goes with the undercurrent, and they become whatever they see in the mirror. So, what is projected onto them—because the parents have not resolved the issue themselves—the children accept as identity. They have not yet developed the ability to reject the projection.”

AH  reject the projection

reject the mirror

he never cared much for mirrors he used them to shave he didnt want to cut his throat he really liked the straightedge razor handed down to him from his grandfather  the utility of it  the horsehide strop 

thats about all he took from family

his sister was five and a half years younger than him he jumped the brother and sister who followed him and spent a lot of time with her they palled aroundpalled around until he did what he said he was going to do the whole time he was young  he left home

left the state

his mother wasnt particular influential

his father wasnt either

perhaps the reason why his sister was like him was because he rubbed off on her

usually he rubbed people the wrong way

maybe he rubbed one right

relationally incapacitated a mouthful  and foul

1126,  Saturday,  1  12. 18