You hold a very special place in my heart. 

he didnt doubt it 

it was truly wonderful to be reminded however 

                                                  she too held a place in his heart  his wife knewhis girlfriend knows  he told them that the only women outside his family he ever said I love you to were them

he didnt use love as some guys didthinking it the keythe access to womans body so they could satisfy their lustmake no mistake it was lust  it was manipulation 

                                             Yacant masturbate 

I don’t masturbate. I don’t touch myself. You some kind of freak?

Evidently Id pleasure myself before Id lie to a wo . . 

. . Lie? Tell ‘em you love them to get in their pants ain’t lying.

Hows that  in your mind

I’m making love to them.

That isnt making love

It is. 

Lemme ask  If they reject your advancethey say No

You know they don’t mean it. 

Whadaya mean when you say No

That’s different.

Anif a women resists your  charms   yathink they like it rough

Don’t know if they like it rough, but the struggle, the back and forth, convincing them, makes it more interesting, more fun, cuz you know in their heart that if they say No they’re saying it more so to, you know, protect, keep their honor, saying No doesn't necessarily mean No, it means they aren’t easy. A woman doesn’t want to be known as easy or loose. 

Ill bet yare easy

Excuse me?

If a woman comes on to you  I’m on it  An yadon touch yourself   ever You said she wanted it! I think you do but you think its unmanly to say soto admit it  I don’t. he grimaced at him like a dog pulling at its chain if the chain snaps does the dog come on he sized him up let him come

Man, the way you look at things is all screwed up; bet you don’t get laid enou . .

. . You do You get laid You make love enough I masturbate because I cant get enough of the woman I love

I tucker her out

What’s to tucker out?

Yare a lovely guy yaknow that

frankly he didnt know why he bothered to engage him  he turned his back on him and walked away 

 

a special place in ones heart becomes apparent

                                                   sooner or later

2ish,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

1229,  Sunday,  20  12. 20

 

he texted :  :  Hey, babe! Im engrossed in Netflix’s The Professor and the Madman -- Mel Gibson Sean Penn – the creation of The Oxford English Dictionary   

 :  :  Ooooh – that sounds completely up your alley!

 :  :  Ohshit  up and around and down and shotthrough my alley – a very beautiful story, though I am unsurprised . . words are paint, they are razors, bats, they are gentle caresses . .. they are our tongues, our fingers, our nerves

 :  :  Beautifully said, Dad…

 :  :  I am moved, it seems I’m easily moved these days, sensitive, walking on glass . . . however, I am aware of every step, love

 :  :  How are you? I love you and miss you…

 :  :  Goodness, I love you and miss you so very much

 :  :  Walking on glass – did you have that sensation before?

 :  :  I’ve been walking on glass since Aniela died . ..  this is my grief; I am aware of its steps . . .  I remember my steps when Mom died

 :  :  Oh – I see – that makes sense.

 :  :  I am sorry for your pain, though I think how very fortunate we are to have shared in Aniela’s life, and will celebrate it until we can no longer – we will tell her stories and keep her alive; not that her fire can ever be wetted, quelled . . . .  I am eternally grateful for Aniela and for you – without sounding prickish, I must say Mom and I knocked it out of the park when you two were born

 :  :  Again – beautifully said.

 :  :  Let’s just admit we’re beautiful, eh?

 :  :  I’m so very thankful that you guys gave her to me as my sister. She was quite the teacher.

 :  :  I believe Aniela too would thank Mom and I for gracing her with you, her “little” sisterHA

 :  :  Agreed.

 :  :  We could be accused of being Vain – emailing you an appropriate song, love

 :  :  Haha – Carly Simon?

 :  :  Hahaha  you know it!

 

2222,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

Carly Simon  You’re so Vain  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cleCtBP0o5Y

he buried a wee bird in his backyard today under a sun penetrating the grey mist of a lying sky

                                                                                                    thered be no rain

it was California

he found the little beast on his front porch last year

it had been batted aboutfeathers scatteredbirdshit smeared by two ferals who cornered it between the front wall of his house and a bushel basket 

                              the bushel basket he laid a blanket in for the comfort of one of the cats seven years ago

much can be made of wild instincts

Yes words came and stuck in his earsWalk away  This is hopeless  This is Natural    Walk away

he didnt heed his advisecouldnt help himselfhe interceded  he scooped the bird up

                                                                                       it collapsed in his hands without fret

it was small a nestling perhaps fallen out what struck him was how large its feet were

 

he carried it inside the house and placed it in a shoebox and set it atop of his refrigerator uncovered  he set inside it a small shallow pan filled with water then went back outside and walked the perimeter of his yard beneath the trees surrounding his house looking for a nest or for anxious birdsdistraught parents or a hen

it was fruitless

returning to the house he found three of his indoor cats prowling around an upholstered chair just inside and left of the front door

           he draped a Mexican blanket over it because it was a threadbare seventy years old a mustardcoloured swiveledrocking chair he held his girls in when they were babes

                                                                     he didnt let memories escape easily

beneath the chair he found the nestling

it leapt from on top the frig to the linoleum six feet below and either found its way beneath the chair or found it haven to escape his cats

the later he assumed 

                     there was a smattering of birdshit and feathers as evidence

it collapsed again in the hold of his hands as he scooped it up

he went outside directly 

                           handcuffed      responsible  

the nestling shook uncontrollably

he could relate

at least he had a jackknife to defend himself 

he slashed at hands and arms

had they come nearer he would have stabbed

they back away

they said theyd remember himremember his face 

                                                  asif hed forget theirs 

the nestling trembling the whole time suddenlyspasmed rolled fitfully onto its backarched threefour times 

                                                                                                                 and died

 

died

he wept at its hopelessness

wept 

        that it didnt have a knife to defend itself

2330,  Thursday,  17  12. 20

1123,  Saturday,  19  12. 20

 

                     regret

                                            turns out he was a stickler a tyrant on the subject

he didnt want to hear namby-pamby reasons for regret

regret wasnt regret unless it had been a pivotal moment  a fracturing

as he explained to a friend 

                              I was drunk I decided to drive I caused an accident I killed a person in the other car 

Pivotal   Seminal  Enough

he made it personal 

                     If your wife-to-be didnt like that you wanted a prenup had she been honest you wouldnt be divorcing her now 

                 Thats a regret   I dont believe there are degrees of regret as you suggest 

You had to use me, my situation, as an example?

Lived examples are powerful when arguing a point You apparently agree

Man, you’re harsh, you’re . . brutal.

The truth usually is if youre honest 

                                     Whats the point of being dishonest Youre just lying to yourself an thats an abominable lie If you can lie to yourself you can lie to anyone Thats my point

Regret is pivotal and seminal not a matter of degrees

I just think there ought to be some leeway.

An I dont I believe some people clutter their lives with phony regrets plague themselves when it was a mistake  not blownup into a maudlin regret a fit of selfpity  Pity its not a pretty word a fourletter word I pity no one I have examined my life for the past three days and I cannot say – in honesty – that I regret one fucking thing

Then  he grimaced like he had a mouth full of shit  you might want to consider yourself fortunate.

Fortunateyes that Im not into selfflagellation

JesusChrist! you can be a real prick.

 

Thank you A real stiff prickunrelenting

2212,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20

 

pot calls the kettle black 

                          House minority leader Rep Kevin McCarthy believes Congressman Swalwell has “long been disqualified” from serving on the House Intel committee because he is a “national security liability

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=abdicated&rlz=1C1ILPI_enUS778US778&oq=abdicated+&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i59i450l7.369j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

this is ripe coming from a man who eagerly stepped up and signed an amicus brief with 125 other House members to overthrown democracy  the right and the will of the people of Georgia Michigan Pennsylvania and Wisconsin 

      “a seditious abuse of judicial process” 

                                                 Mr McCarthy has abdicated his righthis Constitutional oath and therefore has nothing legitimate or worthwhile to say regarding Mr Swalwell

1555,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

https://www.mercurynews.com/2020/12/12/list-the-126-congress-members-19-states-and-2-imaginary-states-that-backed-texas-suit-over-trump-defeat/   https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-meet-state-attorneys-general-after-joining-supreme-court-election-n1250678

 

Christmas lists went way off the charts after his wife his love died

he had two daughters

his wife was a . . a stabilizing force . he knew it  she knew it better than he she was always cautioning him to stay off the wall stay the course others set

                                      whats the fun in that

fuckem if they cant take a joke

he was amazed how many people couldnt 

                                           or at least the people in his wifes circle

vividly he remembers his wife excusing herself to use the Ladies Room and telling him Please, please . . stay off the wall.

he did try for a nanosecond 

                          when he turned back to the other four couples he had to watch his wife walk away he loved watching her come but she was every bit as attractive when she left somehow they devolved into a conversation about lesbiansparticularly lesbians who performed in porn and how perversedisgusting they were

                                                                                              their husbands heads nodded

he interrupted Excuse me  Perverse   Disgusting 

the wives turned their eyes turned on him  YES. they chorused

Sorry girls hardly Girl on girl action is hot

You’re unfortunate! one of them said  Our husbands agree with us.

he looked into each mans face one at a time 

                                                then he said to the women as he leaned into their circle Huddle up ladies

they leaned in with him BONUS low cut dresses Youll excuse me Theres a difference between me and your husbands

Yes. snarled the one You’re a pig.

No Your husbands are liars

                            they popped upright like four teenage erectionsgrabbed their husbands arms and hustled off en masse just as his wife  came   walking    back     up

What did you do?

Spoke the truth

About what?

About girl on girl actionIts hot

You brought that up after I told you to stay off the wall?

After you left I turned around and was right in it Wasnt my subject matter

she glared

he shrugged nonchalant

                        Theyre hot

she laugheddidnt cover her mouth

                                    If the performance is well produced.

I wasnt talking raunchy

No. You are particul . .

. . Discerning

Discerning. she smiled he loved her dimples Yes. You are.

they didnt have many friends

 

his girls prior to their mothers death had always prepared elaborate Santa lists they presented them the day after Thanksgiving he often said when Black Fridays commenced that his girls were the actual harbingers of it 

                                                                                        her death took the wind out of their sails

the lists arrived later and later 

they were no longer on scrolls

then he had to begin asking them what theyd like

finally one year 

                 without direction

he asked several of his bisexual and lesbian friends their recommendations for top-drawer dildos and vibrators 

on Christmas morning after opening their stockings and going through them sipping spiked egg nog he handed them at the same time one of what were two of his Christmas gifts

Dad! they asked in concert Why is my present vibrating?

I suppose theyre excited to be in your hands 

                                               rustle  rustle   rustlerustle DAD!

now they list pressure cookers cutlery and socks

 

2319,  Twosday,  15  12. 20

2056,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20

Gene Autry  Here Comes Santa Claus  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysxlUmLOttQ

“ . . herd mentality . . .”  thats what the president said as he stumbled along  herd immunity  antiscience  antidemocratic  antichrist should someones lean towards Christ 

                                                                             https://www.msnbc.com/the-reidout/watch/-we-want-them-infected-trump-hhs-appointee-pushed-for-herd-immunity-97879622000

                                                                                           1950,  Wednesday,  16  12. 20

Don Lemon  Herd Immunity  https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/lemon-trump-angry-about-losing-job-he-isnt-even-doing/vi-BB1bZzYS?ocid=mailsignout

he wasnt one who spoke for others

he spoke for himself and if people were riled by his words he insisted they correct him if they could 

                                                                                                         he dug in on stories and if fivesix sources from around the world agreed to the truth of the matter 

                                                                                it was the truth

if someone could provide him evidence from a varied sources to dispute his research  hed listen

FACT   Russian dictator  yeshe liked to call himself president  Vladimir Putin referred to O’Biden as President-elect  https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2020-55318269  before Moscow Mitch McConnell

2155,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20 

 

for whom the bell tolls 

                        https://www.episcopalnewsservice.org/2020/12/15/national-cathedral-tolls-bell-300-times-as-united-states-passes-300000-covid-19-deaths/

                 . . heartbreaking

1256,  Wednesday,  16 12. 20

John Donne 

              No man is an Iland, intire of itselfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.   

 

he wanted to say Aint he a peach 

                                   which would have been appropriate if North Carolina state Senator Bob Steinburg REPUBLICANwhat else  had been from Georgia  he liked to think Georgia wouldnt have had Bob 

Bobby Aint he a sweet potato 

                               hes urged Drumpf to suspend civil liberties invoke the Insurrection Act to deploy military on U S soil and  Yup  and and to declare a National Emergency to keep power

how is Bobby a representative of American democracy

to be fair to Sweet Potato 

                          Virginia state Senator Amanda Chase alsoREPUBLICAN called on the president to declare martial law echoing a suggestion by felon Michael Flynn

with friends or cohorts like these who needs enemies 

                                                     a veritable Christmas stocking filled with crazy

1212,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20

https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/530420-republican-nc-state-senator-trump-should-invoke-the-insurrection-act 

https://www.pilotonline.com/government/elections/vp-nw-chase-martial-law-20201216-fun5nwdxq5ab3gxhkhyndxkn3q-story.html

 

https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/trump-coup-election/ 

                                                                      "This election witnessed new and (D)estructive attempts by the GOP to win . . .”

specifically  Overtly  hed highlight the 17 State Attorneys General – following the lead of Texas’ embattled and morally-corrupt AG Ken Paxton – and 126 House Republicans who also have revealed that their oath to the Constitution a was sham  they have no credibility  enjoy no merit  possibly lack humanity  

these zealots who reveal fascistic tendencies might think it is in their ability to revive the 3/5th Compromise overturned by the Fourteenth Amendment and make the votes of Black people people of Colour  worth 3/5ths a white persons 

Aw whadahell! Why not shoot the works!  rescind a womans right vote too

1608, Twosday,  15  12. 20

his hot bath was therapeutic and analgesic

                                              he used Epsomsalt and scented the water with lavender 

long ago visiting a lavender farm he recognised how calmed he was by the scent of the plant  he nearly floated off

his daughter sent him timely vials of lavender oil to mix into his bathwater 

                                                                              he didnt ask she seemed to know 

she was spooky that way  and when she knew she wouldnt be able to continue treating him with the oil she wrote a beautiful note declaring her undying love and enclosed with it a blue lace agate that First People believed imparted calm to whomever possessed it

he smirked  I need to be calm baby

Dad. You, if anyone, needs to be calm 

                                          she kissed him warmly 

she always seemed to know better than he  even as a child 

                                                                she was born an old soul  his wife said I know from our prenatal reading, as you read, that her eyes aren’t supposed to be able to focus, she can’t actually see, but I swear she sees you, when you enter a room her eyes come off of me and she looks around, coordinated, towards your sounds; I swear it’s the strangest thing.

Maybe the books were wrong

No. Written by pediatricians, I believe they’re right. However, the vibe between you and she is just something else.

 

a few years back when he struggled with his health she began mailing him a variety of herbs and vitamins to help him combat what she said she saw when she closed her eyes as they spoke and she imagined him 

You undressing me with your eyes agai . .

. . Dad, would you please be serious?

Seriocomic  is that close enoughits as close as I can get  I prefer seeing the humour in things

You see humour in your illness, your admitted discomfort, which most people would call pain?

Love  a lions share of my lifeas you know  Ive been very healthy and fit  Besides thisas you say is only pain  An you know its mind over matter  ifya donmind it donmatter

Dad. he was exasperating her Would you please take me seriously?

he caught her concern You Yes  Ill take you seriously

she laid out what she was sending him and why  but before she spoke she made him get a pen and paper to write it down in his own words  You’ll understand yourself better.

the regimen she prescribed eventually brought him out of his malady

he has maintained it since  respecting her determined vision

 

                                                                   unfortunately she couldnt make it work for herself

laying in the tub  a tea candle burningthrowing just enough light softunsure shadows  his cats came in to see

the eldest indie  eleven  had been through all of his baths dating back to when indie was a kitten as he prepped for and recovered from orthopaedic shoulder surgeries  it was old hat to indie  he was a rare exception

his other four cats passed in and out at indies shoulder amending their curiositybriefly paying their respect

their haughty manner tickled him 

                                    one by one he greeted them  Hiya october  Heya leftie  Hows it goin shy  and last but not least  his lughis huge orangemarmalade caramelcoloured tabby  bomber   Whassup big guy

he did say briefly   they literally stretched up forepaws on the tub sniffed  an Im outa here

what tickled him or as he surmised was that  october the queen  had just turned three  the othersher babies were just over a year  they werent accustom to his required fall - winter baths  and perhaps being unfamiliar and young they remained closer to the feline bloodmemory  live cats stuffed inside sacks and either drowned with witches or thrown into blazing fires at the feet of witches burning at a stake

its possible

               they bolt

they are also therapeutic and analgesic

1606,  Sunday,  13  12. 20

1247,  Twosday,  15  12. 20

this might either prove God is insane or the golden calf at the foot of Mount Sinai was legit 

https://frenchpress.thedispatch.com/p/the-dangerous-idolatry-of-christian

Texas GOP chairman Allen West “Perhaps the law-abiding states should bond together and form a Union of states that will abide by the (C)onstitution.”  

                                  and perhaps the “Constitution” was fronted by small “c” to escape the condemnation of any elected official who has disregarded and denied their oath if they werent going to honor their word they shouldnt have submitted it

West suggests secession

economically without New York State or California 

                                                       having defunded themselves and speaking only for himself he would be happy to let them secede and endure their accountability 

                                                                       let them run and see how far they get

after the financial economical collapse  the destitution  politically gerrymandered artful butchery   the Once fifty united states might be reduced to several or a few

1712,  Monday,  14  12. 20

 

he began spinning dreams before he chewed and chewed  an chewed   and swallowed the Datura seeds

one thing he was assured of was that he wouldnt wake midstream  that hed ride the mustang to the otherside be wha it may 

     unlike when he roused from sleep  hazy hypnopompic  not frettingNo   not fretting  either his mind disquietedworking on something left undone  seeking resolve  or preposterous   or to empty his bladder

that Call to action happening around three oclock 

                                                 It’s the bewitching hour, you know.  Ohno no leave it alone  It is.  Stop woudja  But it is.  More accurately its the Devils hour   What? Devil’s hour?  Yah    Yes? Yes. You want to leave it at yes? Yah   No. Please. Don’t leave it at that.  Id like to  Please, no.  Awrightawright for your edification satisfaction  Christ died at three PM  AntiChrist rises diametrically opposed  Hmm, so it’s not the witching hour?  Could be  Can it be both? How can it be both?  I donbelieve in a Christ or an Antichrist there you have it  I . .  Its up to you I just wanna go back to sleep  lets have this discussion in the morning  You’re up now.  Yadon need sleep I do  I don’t think you’ll fall back to sleep Not if yadon stop pesterin me  I’m not pestering. You are   I’m not.  CHRIST 

when he was tripping he didnt badger himself

1225,  Monday,  14  12. 20

Page & Plant  No Quarter  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4M-jf6rBc4&list=PL3uvz018q2dCMRX5ZAoxCQ9FU4o1CX7LY&index=3 

 

the Proud Boys shiver white supremacists thats his understanding however  he read an article on-line The Daily 202 that Proud Boys gathered in Washington DC near Black Lives Matter Plaza yelling uhuru  which is Swahili and means freedom

         he thought about that  white supremacists crying uhuru  Swahili language of the Bantu people of Africa

why would they cry freedom in a tongue that their president deems shithole countries

he kept flipping the lightswitch On an Off in the shed

                                                        but it wouldnt come On

they think theyre mighty clever

1359,  Monday,  14  12. 20

https://www.essence.com/news/maga-proud-boys-black-lives-matter-black-churches/

 

Datura.

        You crazy?

Crazy  Why

Datura, jimsonweed, right?

One in the same

Hallucinogen.

Uhhuh

Uhhuh. Pretty casual about it aren’t you?

Been down that road many a time

People end up in hospitals.

Cowards do  Those people shouldnt have taken it  They were idiots to go in

They had to . .

. . They didnt

They might have died if they ha . . 

. . Horseshit  Old adage  Dont do the crime if yacant do the time Fuckem  Whimps

You’d rather they die . . 

. . They werent gonna die they were outside their leaguegot exactly what they bargained for  I got no sympathy If yare stupidstupid is as stupid does  Fuckem

You’re rather mercenary.

Aint mercenary Donwade in dark waters if yacant swim

                                                            Drown 

I didn't know you were so bloodthirsty.

Bloodthirsty Nobody fed em Datura Its accountability When people get their asses pulled out of fires theyd dropped themselves in 

               Let em burn 

Let them burn? they may have died.

Anwhos that on

You’re cold. 

Its accountability Something this country would be better forhold people accountable for their fuckin actions

                                                                                                                 Hold their feet to the fire theyll admit their transgressions Five Holy Fathers Five Hail Marys fuck NO  Five years or die  they donave my sympathy

2233,  Saturday,  12  12. 20

1532,  Sunday,  13  12. 20