the torment of a long memory 

                                  is being unable to forget hard times times that turnedtorqued his brain that he felt it was going to SNAP 

                   remembering   how long it was torturedhow long the knot took to relax before he could get his fingers between its greasy coilsto tease and pinch and work apart loosen its hold over him

the anguish

bruising 

           the big tears that fell out of his eyes that he couldnt stopCOULDNT  COULDN’T  the pain went too deep   was like him 

         unforgiving

there was nothing to be forgiven 

the times were seared into his brain  branded   smelled like burning hair 

when they seep backtheir time again the soreness of the bruises return though duller  the smell returns less pungent 

no matter theyre back   like clockwork calendarwork    all he can do is suffer them

because before the suffering  there was joy 

                                               there is more joy than suffering

 

1050,  Sunday,  6  12. 20

Aniela  I love you

Childish Gambino  The Night Me and Your Mama Met  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT4MgAtBbJA

 

he wearied of the day

of its arguing chiding chaffing 

its dull incessant haranguing

where in its midst he had nothing to offer

for she deemed his words meaningless

so he walked away out the door  his legs odd and stilted

looking for refuge before wiltingbefore the weight of his head collapsed his bones

and it rode down his spine clack clackclack and lowed belligerently from the perch of his pelvis

 

he was better than that

 

 

he laid down in a field of tall grass and beneath the cleansing air on his face

he admired birds chase the clouds and sunrays and seek blue harbours unseen

he smiled immensely as they did

for his head grew wings 

mixed in with pages from 16 October 1993

1217,  Saturday,  5  12. 20

 

forgiveness

               forgive and forget

nah

    he held grudgeshe held them like hed hold a rattlesnake by the neckbehind the head so it couldnt bite him

he figured people who professed forgiving letting sleeping dogs lie never held a pissedoff rattler or pressed an issue  theylet a sleeping dog lie

                           he had a word for these people  cowards

it seemed those who professed forgive and forget were people who needed others to forgive and forget so they could cross them again

maybe people didnt have keen memories or felt that remembering was too exhaustive

he had a long memory

things didnt slip his mind

a grocery list 

              if he forgot something he chastised himself and bore accountability

events  people  he rarely forgot 

an abiding memory

                   he took pride he remembered

why the hell would he forgive and forget

It’ll make you sick.

Sick Yaknow whawould make me sick Whawould make me sick is someone getting away it That maybe left to those who can forgive and forget  forget where they set things down who choose to be mindless 

                                                                                                 Probably why there is profusion a thousand Mindful apps for cellfones they cant hold things in their heads 

Once upon a time we had gigabytes in our brains wetware  but weve given them away and they bitch when theyre hacked 

I dare someone to try and hack my brain 

No forgiveness here  if someone crosses me an thinks they can get away with it Ill enjoy my coolcold revenge 

                                                                                                                    a fuckin thing of beauty an ofcourse they wonder why  theyll wonder rather than ask that way theyre innocent  they play a Victim card that isnt in any deck

2138,  Thursday,  9  7. 20

1334,  Reggae Friday,  4  12. 20

$279K -- Killed

 

WE’RE NUMBER 1!  WE’RE NUMBER 1!  WE’RE NUMBER 1! so exciting 

                                                                         Ah Drumpf made America great again

https://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/u-s-reports-highest-single-day-virus-death-toll-97111109684

2037,  Reggae Friday,  4  12. 20

https://www.msnbc.com/all-in/watch/hayes-trump-gop-didn-t-care-what-happened-after-the-election-with-covid-economy-97155141844

 

OhChrist now what 

                    the dictionary was badgering him again  using that same seductive female voice that tickles his ballshe cant resist

Please Im tryin to work here

Maybe you ought to let me work . . first? 

                           Mebbe  Whatchagot for me girl

Your buddy, Vincent, an anchoret?

Using the archaic formhuh

I know you like it, it turns you on. 

                                 he felt a buzzing like bees around behind his balls  You like, yes?

Ohh yes his mind began swimming 

                              Whamade ya bring Vincent up

You’ve been reading him, when you read him and Miller you read them out loud, unlike others . . so you brought him to my attention. Also, I wanted to see if you knew what a anchoret was, you didn’t come to me.

Vincent a religious recluse The paintings during the last year of his life were ecstatic were mystical  He was a mystic

I heard you read from an unfinished letter to his brother Theo  I am risking my life for it and my reason has half floundered because of it – that’s all right.

Yes Very powerful His art consumed him

 

Hmmm

      her hmm continued to play with him but he was distracted  he hadnt read it out loud he wrote it down

Wouldya like to hear something curious

Hmm . . 

. . Yare killin me

You like it.

I do 

Hmmm  what’s interesting?

Curious Nothing is interesting interesting is ambivalent  it admits nothing

You are correct. What is curious?

Vincent Willem van Gogh was born on March 30, 1852 and died the same day a stillborn Vincent Willem van Gogh was born on March 30, 1853

 

Hmmm

You are killing me

I’m here to titillate you, though I have to admit you turned the tables on me. That’s fascinating, I didn’t know that. 

Nah  Didnt think you did

                           he laughed pleased with himself  it came out in his tone Yare not an encyclopedia

1921,  Monday,  27  1. 92

1134,  Reggae Friday,  4  12. 20

the ways of seeing it is also a book by English art critic John Berger they should be recognised as the ways that perhaps most men see women 

                              he wasnt a woman so he couldnt possibly speak for them but intransigent in his thinking was that men and women were human beings and their sex didnt separate them terribly  therefore if he had a perception he was keen women would have that perception too 

                                                                he remembered a girl he knew as teenager who taught him how to slow down Slow down woudja? Slower. so she could cum with him  he thought only guys came  she was as every bit as randy and ribald as he

Berger wrote of the European nude

he had to pay attentionhed never been outside America  except for sailing

Berger wrote . . . the European nude . . . a series of conventions revolving around men and their fantasies and power . . . (they,) the principal protagonist(,) is never painted. He is the spectator in front of the picture . . . Everything is addressed to him. Everything must appear to be the result of his being there. It is for him that the figures assumed their nudity . . . This is the guiding principle in pornography. The female subject WOW allowed subject stature the object of desire, does not confront the viewer with a will of her own. She is, rather, a mirror enlarging CLEVER and reflecting the viewer back to himself.

that was certainly a way of seeing

he wondered what Berger would say about vaulted imaginations who with their eyes closed can see and perhaps see better than if they actually saw 

                               for that is a way of seeing too 

he used gimmicks and drugs to see differently  used mirrors and glass which threw hard and ethereal reflections  he used other people to tell him what they sawwhich was experimental  and frightening  because they rarely saw beyond what they saw  he imbibed  wore different cloth and fabric blindfolds to colour or obscure his vision  limiting it  forcing his other senses to reason and inform his eyes

as a kid he laid on the threadbare livingroom carpet feeling the coarse mat on his bare arms or legs with the sun through a window magnifiedwarming himturning him to soft butter or laid outdoors in the grass halving his vision with a cloudy sky and shimmering leaves in the crown of a black walnut or pear or plum tree 

                                                                                 What are you doing? his mother or father 

Im watchi . . 

. . You’re doing nothing. Why don’t you get up and do something constructive?

asif developing his perceptionshis seeing wasnt constructive 

Move, or I’ll move you.

he didnthe was too curious how they were going to force him to move  it accompaniedpunctuated by their accusation YOU’RE LAZY! 

 

1305,  Sunday,  26  1. 92

1144, Thursday,  3  12. 20

Who  See Me, Feel Me/Listening to You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzuNJod_o7g 

$275K -- Killed

                                because of the TRUMP VIRUS  “ . . . there are more American lives at stake.”   aah the White House doesnt talk of the Dead 

                                     he gets no credit for the vaccine 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/mcenany-refers-to-forthcoming-coronavirus-vaccine-as-the-trump-vaccine/2020/12/02/437592bd-5cba-4af2-b51c-0c26e86d470e_video.html?utm_campaign=wp_the_daily_202&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&wpisrc=nl_daily202

1444,  Thursday,  3  12. 20

https://www.msnbc.com/deadline-white-house/watch/eddie-glaude-on-the-white-house-covid-response-the-indecency-of-it-all-is-an-indictment-on-these-people-97081413853

$274K -- Killed

DRUMPF IN 2024

                    will he reinvent reimagine his MAGAggots though in four years a lot of his elderly white cultists will be dead   

he might not want to run on his record  https://www.msnbc.com/all-in/watch/chris-hayes-we-failed-to-protect-the-most-vulnerable-americans-from-covid-97023045996

bets

1918,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  12. 20

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/health-officials-encouraged-to-go-rogue-defy-bad-local-leadership-as-covid-crisis-worsens-97032773619

 

he liked entering a dictionary 

                             almost as much as entering a woman 

easier 

no beggingwhining

no wining and dining

                        NO

having made a frank appraisalfinding it worthwhile appealing beautiful he gently opened it fingered it he got his nose down deep down inside 

                          he never heard a complaint thoughto be fair his ears were cloakedheld by either pages or thighs 

sometimes he found entries which were unfortunate not his

for example

             Empyrean

the highest reaches of Heaven, believed by the ancients to be a realm of pure fire; by early Christians, the abode of God and angels

unfortunately Empyrean is directly under the entry empyema 

                                                                  pus in a body cavity, such as pleural cavity or gall bladder

Golly

in such close proximity violating social distancing he wondered if they might not affectinfect the other

                                                                                                     bad God and angels good pus

what he was following was something Vincent van Gogh wrote his brother Theo I let myself go without thinking of any rules.

       or Millers . . . the monster grows under my hand . . . what I am trying to point out is that these failures, or monstrosities, are the result of my faith in the virtue of letting things happen.

Golly 

       he Gollyed because he recognised he often enjoyed only a single portion of a paintingenjoyed its striations forms in thick coloured oil or sometimes one delicious sentence in a paragraph but a minute aspect then embellished reordered reconflagrated his interest and its appeal 

                                                       these reminded him of women he had been with a single redeeming quality so thoroughly attracted him that he didnt notice though not for long how ugly they weretheir person rather than their physicality  they had simply become the embodiment of that particular aspect that gathered his attention 

               or on the other hand a single detriment might offput him despite their overall attractiveness

seemed a bizarretwisted one for all and all for one

blinkered his appeals his distastes threw him for a loop 

                                                          he couldnt follow himself if he tried  he was elusive

 

2300,  Saturday,  25  1. 92

0001,  Sunday,  26  1. 92

1344,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  12. 20

 

she beat him up regularly about his lack of compassionhis hard line regarding who earned it

she believed it ought to be doled out without questions 

                                                         Yare foolish he countered Ill quote someone I respect regarding compassion We have it or we don’t. If we must cultivate it, it not being an innate quality, then although our person is improved we are yet indignant of it. A shallow compassion is treacherous. Henry Miller So I have compassion It will not be treacherous because I hold the reins to determine if someone has earned it I will not distribute it according to your insistenceyour blind faith

You’re a sonofabitch.

Ya ought know ya married me Ive been brutality honest about who I am You may have made up strawman and believed he was me  deluded yourself 

Oxford American Dictionary passion pati to suffer thus compassion from com- with and pati to suffer to suffer with

he had no want to resent compassion out of hand he would suffer with whom he might have compassion for but they had to qualify he would not assume their circumstances were beyond their control put simply he wouldnt suffer their pains with her if they werent worthwhile if they were suffering their accountability 

You’re a cold, cold bastard.

Hmm Yare welcome to as Ive always welcome your assessments However again shallow compassion is not viable If we choose easily to offer compassion to suffer with them as easily we can turn our eyes away ignore them and cease our discomfort

Shakespeare Hamlet Polonius to his son Laertes Ill take the bards advise To thine own self be true 

                                                                                                           Love I would recommend that to you

Love . .  she screwed up her face

it hurt him to see that however the hurt did not chasten himdid not alter what he told her many years ago she knew him out of his own mouth 

                           Ive never lied to you because Ill never lie to myself

1315,  Friday,  24  1. 92

2343,  Twosday,  1  12. 20

 

he dug science dug its blamelessness  it didnt prattle or point

                                                                  purportedly Jesus said Let he who is without sin cast the first stone something like that he said so in defense of a woman charged with adultery

                                                                                            it seemed to him that men werent accused of adultery or had he ever read of a man dragged before a crowd and threatened with stoning where was that womans partner in crime  what isnt said is every bit as important as what is

it wouldnt be fair to take him at his wordhe recalled very little of those attempts against him that he become religiously be indoctrinated hed concede the Bible was filled with great stories 

                                                                    but great stories arent gospel even if some call them Gospel we have a prattling president who criespresents his word as Gospel asif he were an unquestionable authority his words crumble and are closer to that of a braying ass

he remembered one wasnt to use the Lords name in vain it was sacred only to be exalted during the reading of text or when His Name was invoked during prayer or when pleaded to

he loved prayers 

                   Lord, let me hit the Big Lotto. Jesus, save me, I swear if you pull my ass out of this fix I’ll never forget you; I will submit to your Way.

he couldnt help but wonder if Gawd ran a collector who took a piece of the actiona modest piece of pie and shook down those who were conveniently religious the wannabe Saved for a price

the Mob aint offbase ya ask a favour granted a favour may be asked in return

 

1308,  Twosday,  21  1. 92

1334,  Twosday,  1  12. 20

Henry Miller Big Sur: People prefer to believe in and worship a God who is remote rather than live out the godlike nature which is their inherent being.           

 

the president has a ssh its a secret drawer full of pricks OhShucks dildos that he pulls out to pleasure himself

one is named Joe diGenova 

the man likes to take Joey deephe leans backhis head on a silkupholstered camelback White House sofa while Joey numblyincoherently mumbles and is jiggled about CISA head Chris Krebs Joey coos he ought to be taken out at dawn and shot OHOH OH OOOH hes a class A moron Oh OOOH He should be drawn and quartered OOOOH

                                                                                                                 aint a damn thing worse than chemed up on Viagra or otherwise get a hard-on and orgasm but not ejaculate

to be fair Joey has his set of thick slick silicone dildos ones named Donny

                                                                               coincidence

1956,  Twosday,  1  12. 20

https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/30/trump-campaign-lawyer-cybersecurity-chief-shot-441577?utm_campaign=wp_the_daily_202&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&wpisrc=nl_daily202

motherFUCK

             things can go sideways if one doesnt pay strict attention to what it is theyre doing

hed been doing it for better than 8 years and in a moment of haste he erased a history he wished he could have back

the spider creeped her out

they were laying in bed after making love and she saw an itsybitsy spider crossing the wall at the foot of the bed on a long lazy diagonal towards the cleft between the wall and ceiling

Look.

he looked and saw he may even had hmmd in acknowledgment it wasnt worth words while he was still sucking air and still outofbody looking down on them making love asin video  asin voyeuristic   asin their near-perfect sexual complement  

Are you going to do something about it?

About the teenytiny spider

Yes, what else?

I thought meybe our sex was like Chinese food and you were hungry again I am But Im always hungry for you your body

No.

    although she did smile real large sported her great dimples he wanted to keep her dimples permanently in placemake her smile all the time they were together

Really No  Does it change things or count if Im hungry for you again

No. It’s creeping me out.

That smidgen of life is creeping you out

It is.

Sorry babe good chance if I tried to catch it Id crush it Im too full of life and being alive right now to risk death

she frowned it was insincere it was fraudulent  a fraudfrown  

If you stick your lower lip out any furthur Im dropping my cock on it Hear me

she stuck it out furthur

                       he rolled over to herstraddled her chest an stuck his cock in her mouth  Game on

 

     sometime later  they were exhaustedlaying side by side again they looked and the itsybitsy spider had only crossed the wallnearly at the ceiling almost parallel to the edge of his side of the bed

Fuckin guys taking his sweet time huh

You could facilitate him.

Naw Hes sweethes far from descending upon you and ripping your throat out

Your pillowtalk needs some work.

Donusually talk in bed 

                       My mouths full

You animal!

Im your animal

 

the spider had stopped

they fell asleepnapped

he woke her when he cuddled up behind herSUDDENLY hungry again

she turned and faced him 

                            and turning she looked up at the spider  Your friend hasn't moved.

Or she hasnt moved

turns out he or she died

he or she had been up on the wall this whole time

a deliciously odd reminder of their morning and afternoon together

they werent together now

taking a broom to bring down accumulated spiderwebs  because it was time again  he was brashnot mindful and itsybitsy teenytinys desiccated exoskeleton his or hers  got caught in the sweptwebs and bristles of the broom

in a haplesscareless moment he erased a delightful memorial and remembrance

he knew better than that 

                         wha an asshole  accountability is a bitch

1249,  Sunday,  29  11. 20

1456,  Monday,  30  11. 20

Erykah Badu  Danger  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0BtDhU97dc 

 

 

Everything about human is determined by DNA.

 

his buddy bought into it lock stock and barrel he may have dared call it gospel except religiosity would be impliedan they couldnt have that

                        neither were religious

You, according to DNA, as your DNA presupposes, prefigures what you believe, you therefore haven’t free will; it’s been induced.

Yafuckin crack me up Give yours away not mine

Yours? You only think you have free will.

No I dont think I do I do Might wanna shaddup so one of us  you  dont get hurt

There you have it, you think you’re exercising free will as you speak, though more than likely your ancestor were violent and their violence has come down to you . . through your DNA.

Are ya listenin to yourself asshole

Asshole? So now you’re using your genetic violence to belittle me, calling me names?

No Yare off base Your antics regarding DNA is horseshit You believe in a Republican brain versus a Democrats a religious brain versus an atheists youve made other comparisons but Im not wasting my time Yare offbase

Not really. Think about this, Weked – Smythe . .

. . Nah I dont hyphenate my name  I use Weked my fathers name

You dishonor your mother?

Yare one to speak You go by a nickname rather than your given first name  your fathers name

I apologise.

Apologeez accepted

                      Carry on with yourah proof

It’s simple, really, you’re a Weked. One of two of your parents, nee, father, is Weked. Agreed?

I agree

Their parents, of four parents, only one was Weked, correct?

Correct

Their parents, your great-grandparents, only one of eight was Weked, and on and on. Generations, hundreds, thousands of people, you’re related to, their DNA is distilled in you. There are lots of echoes and determinants that have preceded you in your enormous family tree. You have to admit it is plausible and reasonable their predilections, DNA-sourced, have silently become yours.

No Not regarding my mind

                              Lets run your argument around I am Weked from one of my two parents an Weked from one of my four grandparents  As you say correct

Yes.

The Hatfields and McCoys

his eyes flutteredhis head bobbed weaved almost imperceptibly 

                                                                 Hatfields and McCoys? I’m sorry, your point?

Im debunking your premise anhavin a little fun  he smiled dimples would have upped the ante but alas he hadnt dimples

Debunking it how?

As you said Im Weked because one of my two parents was Weked The siblings birthed to the Hatfields and McCoys their parents were Hatfields both and McCoys both as very possibly their grandparents were too 

Had to be slim pickings in those remote mountains and woods Id rather brother sister than father daughter mother son Incest doesnt tip me You can only play with yourself so long

 

Jesus Christ, man.

Kinda stands your DNA generations of people on its head

You don’t know that.

I dont but it wouldnt be reasonable to dismiss it because you dont know either

his jaw set

             he was angered

                                he was bitched No. I don’t know. However, if we admit your odd happenstance, that does not preclude a Hatfield or McCoy not being informed by their genetics. You have said as much.

I have

Yes. Your nephews. You’ve maligned your nephews, that they, having male children, are who would take your name, Weked, into the future.

I have

And you’ve maligned them . .

. . Because they are not Wekeds Not my kind of Weked

Not your kind?

No Never to beunfortunately my kind They are lacking

                                                           This is where your DNA horseshit ought to present They are unlike me Unlike my brothers Unlike my brother who is their father

They are a grim smile came across his face then brightened with broad luminescent hilarity They are WINOs Weked in name only

somber it wasnt a titch funny to him

 

he thought it was a riot

1725,  Saturday,  28  11. 20

2139,  Sunday,  29  11. 20

 

Rotten Peaches  Elton John https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKeFEO52ilM 

                                                                                    Oops  stepped on some toes he wouldnt apologise not for ROT  https://www.msnbc.com/all-in/watch/both-republican-candidates-in-georgia-runoffs-face-question-about-stock-trades-96901189754

Red ROT could suck his cock

1843,  Monday,  30  11. 20

$269K -- Killed

Atlas resigns at last https://www.politico.com/news/2020/11/30/scott-atlas-resigns-trump-adviser-441597 how many did his influence help kill h e l p  k i l l  thats not what doctors do Atlas violated his Hippocratic oath just for a moment in the bright light of infamy

seems pieces of shit are like mercury in their keen ability to attract and coalesce

1831,  Monday,  30 11. 20 

 

Never Never NEVER hire a man who cant find his cock without both hands longhung silk ties are a tip

                                                                                                         Yacan take that to the bank if four years didnt gave US anything it gave US that

Christ pinch yourself the nightmare is ending no matter what the white supremacists and Proud Boys say Cub Scouts on steroids

          he knew a few lifters who shot up  they were batshit

1727,  Monday,  30  11. 20

https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/2020/11/29/salem-police-response-black-lives-matter-proud-boys-protests-criticized/3766157001/