I've got my eyes on you

he didnt often feel lost  cast adrift     rudderless

not often

          more often he overheard others admit they were lost  even some remarking of a dire sense of hopelessness

which were shocks to his senses

for even during his brittle fragile moments 

he did not share his despair 

his anguish

they were terribly private moments

they would abate

there wasnt anything wrong in feeling them

however he wouldnt allow them to stake an enduring claim to his psyche

he took them at face value

he let them be

                     then he let them loose

he was purged  until the next random assault

that evening he struggledhe was beset

                                                                  

he had good reason

his daughter had gotten up from sitting with him on the livingroom couch to greet her husband home from work

he loved witnessing their joytheir love and affection

it reminded him of he and his wife

                                     his wife was now dead approaching eighteen years he moved out of his parents home at eighteen the comparative reality was shocking

they embraced warmly

upstairs he heard the commotion DAD! then their two daughters converged in the hall over their heads and racedWALK! raced down the stairsWALK! into the foyer to greet their father and get their kissestheir bearhugs

                                                                              the women in his life hanging on him and he bearing upholding their love tighttightly  asif at once they were supple and fragile  

they were the loves of his life

he knew his son-in-laws feelings

he also had a wife and two daughters

watching them in their clinch was like watching from without a replay of his life when his girls were young

it was delicious

the girls untwined from the fathers kisses and embrace and went to race back upstairs to play againWALK! Yes, Daddy.  

        they walked hurriedly up the stairs and when they were out of sight they racedfeet pounding above their heads to their shared bedroom

he shared smileschuckles between his daughter and son-in-law

they entered the kitchen their arms around each other and disappeared from his view through the pass-through

he could hear the murmur of the voicestheir catching up on the day her news his news it was yet summer and the girls were home all day the following week theyd return to school fresh fourth and first graders 

                                                                                                  and they were excited  perhaps only as exceptional students are excited

he was never excited about school 

school had been a challenge

he earned the Ds he got in high school  Geometry  Physics   he was at a loss in them

a different kind of lost than he felt now

                                              almost drowsy

he drifted off in a hazy lackluster mesmerisation

he didnt realise he had

he was overwhelmed

whelming is trying  is exhausting seemingly to cellular level his blood tumbled in his veins his heart thumped he could feel the sharp white sparks at his neuron synapses but their whitelight threw only shadows they illuminated nothing

HEY!

that roused himthat terminated his blind stare  not that he knew he was his daughters HEY! revived him

he turned his head to the cut-outthe pass-through Yes his eyes regained focus

I’ve got my eyes on you. emphasising ither fingers forked up to her eyes  then rotating them as a serpent would turn its head pointing them at his eyes I got my eyes on you, Dad.

                                                            she smiled beautifully her dimples dotting her cheeks  her light lighting the room letting him see everything clearly

Thank you love Likewise  I got my eyes on you

twentyhours-ish,  Twosday,  20  8. 19

1151,  Friday,  23  8. 19

The Police  Every Breath You Take  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orGKsBYObtw

“We have great mental illness . . “ said Drumpf  

                                                      he assumed he had a mouse in his pocket otherwise it was all the fracturedfaceted personalities Drumpf entertains

https://www.msnbc.com/deadline-white-house/watch/digesting-the-president-s-absurdities-as-allies-privately-worry-67088453716

2253,  Thursday,  22  8. 19

Pere Ubu  Real World  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IViXvcmdKB4

he was sitting with his daughter at her kitchen table

she had painted the walls a warm yellow 

the nook was sunlit  bright   inviting

she had work and was at on her laptop

he sat across from her sipping black coffee and writing with a red BIC pen on the backside of advertisement pages his employment trashed

                      the backsides were writeable

why waste them

so he didnt

he gathered them upstraightened them out and utilised them

Waste Not Want Not

                      if he had a tattoo that might be it he wasnt big into images  pictures though he could see text tats like graffiti  though entirely more memorable and moveable he imagined Rivera might have liked his murals on foot traipsing about rather than static stastick   staystuck

her daughter ran into the kitchen For you, Grampa! she stuck a luminous butterfly sticker on the page under his hand

not to be impolite she wouldnt know he didnt care for stickernever had Thank you baby

It’s pretty.

It is

I wanted you to have it.

Well stuck to the page Ill always have it

                                           he maintained files of his initial rough drafts in the corner opposite the wee butterfly he wrote 0950 beneath it  Twosday 20  8. 19

just like on a headstone

I was decorating my pencil box for school tomorrow. And when I saw the butterfly I wanted you to have it.

Didnt you decorate it earlier today

Yes, but then I didn’t like it.

You didnt like it  It was quite elaborate covered with stickers and decorative tape

No. I didn’t like it.

What did you do with the stickers he knew the tape was trashed

I threw them away.

So of all the stickers you used this butterfly is the sole survivor

What?

Did you throw the other stickers awaythrow them away with the decorative tape

You diddidnt you

Yes.

That wasnt so hard to admit was it

No.

     she sought to wander off  I’m gonna play with Sis

Play nice

I will. and she ran off into the house

across the top of the page between the sticker and the date he wrote  conspicuous consumption 

beneath it  STICKERS

as he wrote he had a couple more cups of black coffee wishing he had the mercurial oil of shots of Irish whiskey beside it  heated water to top off his daughters tea

she finished her work Ah. Thank you for your patience, dad, that was good to get out of the way. I’m sorry it cut into our time.

No  Its wonderful to sit across from yoube in your presence  Just being with you is a luxury  No need to apologise  Ill take our time however I can get it

You’re sweet.

You know better Im not sweet

You’re sweet to me.

I wont protest  As I sayjust say thank you  Thank you love

she smiled large 

the room glowed

her smile was precious

You’re welcome.

So what did you write? I saw you completed a couple drafts, excuse me . . springboards.

You know me so well

I like to think I do.

Im pretty simple

You are, but maybe you keep it simple to keep me informed; you’re all about need, not want.

HA You do know me so well

What did you write?

he smiled he slipped her the page with the butterfly sticker on it and a second

Oh?! he surprised her  usually he told her what he wrote Thank you. she was one of the few people who could read his handwriting

as she read it he leaned back into the kitchen chair sipped coffee watched her expressions 

whether she knew it or not she had an expressive face

she was no poker player

conspicuous consumption

stickers

he could never wrap his head around stickers

they were expensivehe could only imagine how expensive they were since his girls were little 

expensive  --  only  --  in their dispensabilityhow easily they were used  squandered  usually with nothing to show that they even existed  expendable

though to be fair

to be circular

gone

there were more where they came from

like bullets

endlessly purchased and squandered

automatic weapons burping them out 

asif they were extraneous

soldiers hid behind walls

                           hefted their weapons up and sprayed bullets indiscriminately in the general direction of the enemy or in the direction of misfortunate collateral damage thats what they named children noncombatants in foreign lands

in country in the United States that action was assumed by the police Force

if they feel frightened deadly Force is acceptable

why not force soldiers to fight on a strict budget

fight with so many bullets

not lavished

only so many

and spent

then

      hand-to-hand combat

combat oldfashioned combat eye-to-eye with their opponent

swords knives cudgels bats maces broken ends of bottles ballpeen hammers axes  spears

gore

then maybe todays sanitised wars the buffer of technology that allow sides to kill from hundreds thousands of miles away might stop

he felt if you were going to kill someone

                                          it ought to be personal

Christ, dad.

I want to ask how you think, but, how, I don’t think how you think is something you even question.

I dontI dont Most of the time its like taking dictation

Thats how I writemy creative process

I start to write

               and writing I step out of its way 

Theres no ego in it

As you saidbaby Im just using springboards  and I expect theres water in the pool

0950,  Twosday,  20 8. 19

1321,  Thursday,  22  8. 19

https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/world-news/us-forced-to-import-bullets-from-israel-as-troops-use-250000-for-every-rebel-killed-28580666.html 

http://www.ecomass.com/wp-content/uploads/How-Much-Does-a-Bullet-Cost.pdf

The Youngbloods  Get Together  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xGxQXmu7Os

U.S. concentration camps

Drumpf wants to bring Guantanamo home  https://www.msnbc.com/deadline-white-house/watch/new-trump-admin-rule-to-detain-migrant-families-indefinitely-66903621803

indefinite internment of families OR lets call it what it is  concentration camps

2314,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  21  8. 19

https://www.msnbc.com/the-beat-with-ari/watch/trump-seizing-unilateral-powers-to-detain-people-indefinitely-66915909768 

Oh by the way  nationalise Americas private for-profit prisons

The Real Me

“You don’t talk to the U.S. that way,” Trump said https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-cites-nasty-remark-by-danish-leader-after-canceling-trip/ar-AAG7IRW?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

he wants to buy Greenland

hes off his fucking rockermisguided if he thinks hes the U.S. 

HE AINT

         Christ once an idiot always an idiot  once a cunt always a cunt

1436,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  21  8. 19

HA! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-IiZFEm9W0

“lawn croquet and lemonade”

on-line he was reading newspapers and magazine artickles written outside the of USA  

he didnt read American papersnot their crude Angles and Slants and Subjectivity OhMy! Run for the hills Dorothy objectivity was as rare as a kid today shooting marbles  

kids didnt have demonstrable dexterity unless they were punching keysmanipulating joysticks  he referred to his cock as a joystick  he surprised more than his fair share of perhaps  gullible female millennials

he put their gaping jaws wideopen mouths to good use 

Shame on him

                or rather Shame on him if he didnt

lawn croquet

he remembered fondly all the strip games of croquet all the assured young women he played who felt their game would better his

he didnt think a naked man could possibly exceed the beauty of a naked woman

he played to enforce that ideal

                                 he played for the glorious joy of naked women

he remembered too well running around his bed over the top of itrunning around his bed over the top of it from his mother who was in hot pursuit when she found him sprawled casually on his bed reading a Playboy

Maw Im reading an article!

                            who really read Playboy artickles

he did  frankly he did

his mother was outraged by naked women  by Playmates  by Bunnies (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H77fRz1rybs)

he assumed they turned a decent buckassumed that they turned their distinct attributes smartly to their benefit

    

Playboys corporate willowing must have been intense sloucheseven attractive slouches wouldnt pass muster 

nonetheless  with his mother chasing behind himhim yelling over his shoulder Woudja stop already The female form is beauty  Its artistry

incredibly it wasnt until the fifth or sixth pass around the bend over his bed that it occurred to him to go out through the open door and down the stairs leaving his mother in his dust if you werent an adolescent boy youd have no idea the difficulty of procuring a Playboy  harder than buying booze

No of course you wouldnt

his interest in Playboy waned in the early 70shis late teens when the Playboy models began to physically augmented themselves  plastic surgery 

in his abject assessment Whodafuck wanted a handful mouthful of a silicone or a saline tit  he wanted the Real McCoy he wanted the lopsidedthe differentsized breasts daisywide aureoles stretchmarks longer nipples whichcuriously he found more abundant with slight Asian women

no lemonade never

                      but he loved croquet

he loved strip croquet

he may have loved that more than rolling into neighbourhoods that had backyard swimming pools and skinnydipping from one to the next to the next 

only a few girls he knew were willing or athletic enough to hang with him

Christ

       what a great fuckin youth he enjoyed all before college
all before his parents dropped him in it when he preferred a road trip across country telling them if the Draft Board tried to contact him they should let them know when he returnedif he returned hed get back to them

a friend had warned him a letter from the brig that if he wanted to fight the military  fight from outside it 

besides

GIs

Government-Issued

whod wanna belong lock stock and barrel to any organisation throw aside their civil rights

not him

no way



When Life gives you lemons . .   no way he was making fucking lemonade   

1545,  Sunday,  18  8. 19

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2019/aug/16/whatever-happened-to-author-dorothy-west?utm_term=RWRpdG9yaWFsX0Jvb2ttYXJrcy0xOTA4MTg%3D&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Bookmarks&CMP=bookmarks_email

Fuck he forgot 

               not good that he forgot but forgetting teaches one an exceptional lesson holds them blatantly accountable

why had he forgottenwha took him off pointwha distracted him fair question but then he was easily amused aroused taken off point

the whiskey had been on his mind 

he teased Its oil for my gears when he was accused of drinking too much although he really liked looking into it catching the reflection of his eyes he liked its bite liked its stimulation  its liberation

he remembered the trio of incidents that evening that took him off pointdistracted him

the redhead he wasnt typically drawn to redhead Katie apparently turned that around this one was tall carried herself erect her breasts preceding her through the automatic sliding glass door he knew they did because he was to one side when she entered if it was a horse race they touched her out by more than a nose

had to be the bra  they appeared too hightoo firm not that he would bitch

Evening he called to her as she entered he smiled

Good evening. she returned his smile

OhGawdNo freckles 

she was packing and freckled  

her complexion was dark for a redhead black Irish

she turned to himstrode up to him You could save me some time.

How can I save you

she smiled quickly Im looking for Agavero.

Easy for you to say

another smilequick like a jab

Follow me as he walked into the store he sidestepped I wish you knew where it was Id prefer following you

at the shelves tucked to the corner of a unit he took a bottle down Voila Agavero  Not French

Oh my, I never would have found it tucked away in the corner as it is.

Yes It should be down a shelf to be more visible Anything else your little heart might desire

jab No. That’s it.

Great Now Ill get to follow you to the counter

                

big jab You’re quite the tease.

My maw calls me charming

And charmingly, you can get away with it.

Charmingly one can Otherwise its lewd  And lewd isnt funit doesnt smile Doesnt jest

Follow me. she said

Happily

the second was an enormous man who entered the store ducked a bit turned his shoulders somewhat sideway but assuredly obviously since he grew to his size hed been negotiating halls and doorways

Good evening Happy Saturday Can I get you some grease to help you in

YUCK. YUCK. YUCK. You a funny man?

Lets say you bring it out of me Anything I can help you with

Actually, yes; my wife likes it.he cleared his throat  telegraphed his line X-Rated.

he smiled Whos the funny man nowMy wife likes it Yadon have to lie to me Yaknow how many guys come in here an say My wife likes itmy girlfriend likes it Wish to hell yad just come out of the closet and admit it

BIG FUCKIN GRIN I’ll admit we share.

Two consenting adults are welcome to share X-Rated in privacy Just keep it in the roomhuh

I like you.

I like that ya like mewouldnt want you not to

trio

petite Latina 

he was at the back of the store didnt see her enter 

as was his habit he glanced up the aisles to say Happy Saturday Need any help Have any questions

he glanced herdid a doubletake not that she saw how was it all those curves formed on such small body

he had to ask 

               Happy Saturday

she turned to him as he approached Oh. Yes. Thank you. Happy Saturday to you, too. I don’t know if I’ve ever been greeted with a Happy Saturday before.

If it was Friday Id have said Happy Reggae Friday

Reggae Friday? Are Fridays Reggae Friday?

They are for me Youre welcome to cop it if you like

I might. 

Good Itd look good on you

Thank you.

Youre welcome

You could help me.

Anything you like

I’m looking for Agavero.

You never would have found it

Excuse me?

Nope You wouldnt have seen it Its on the topshelf By all appearancesthough I dont doubt if you jumped you wouldnt have excellent hangtime  Though Id wanna be around while you jumped

she was in the correct aisle though had walked well past it Lets go up the aisle she turned he nearly fainted as good looking going as coming  Annnd stop

she stopped

he excused himself as he stepped forward to reach for the Agavero 

she stepped into himbounced off of him

he quickly bentthrew his left arm around her back to catch her from reeling she fit nicely Are you alright Excuse me he got her upright  Im so embarrassed.

Please donbe Happy ending

Thank you.

Youre welcome youre welcome    

Yaknow since were intimate  Ive got a question from when I first saw you

the flush on her tawny cheeks still held

I couldnt help but note your stature and physique Is that your moms genes your dads genes or are they remarkable coupling of pair

I take after my mom.

Lucky dad

a peal of laughter rolled from her mouth a generous waterfall a very nice musical laugh

when she composed herselfwiped a bright happy tear from her right eye with her right little finger wha a beautifully shaped small finger Well, thank you, thank you very much. she blushed Thank you for noticing. her voice didnt catch she could take a compliment

Youre welcome However All the thanks go to you Youve upped my evening

Now stay where you are

Ill get the Agavero for you

as he reached for the bottle Youre the second woman this evening who asked for it Frankly marvelous bookends for my night So I thank you

when he set the squat greenglass bottle in her hands it looked enormous he couldnt help but think what might look big in her small elegant hands

You’re very kind.

I tend more to honesty than kind  though thank you for thinking kindly of me he bowed his head slightly

Lucky dad

her blushher laughter flowed again

he didnt chastise himself too badly for forgetting the whiskey

1112,  Sunday,  18  8. 19

Len Barry,  1, 2, 3  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56AGcoifCYk