he was smug wasnt a good look on hisanyones puss You’re cynical.

                                                                     Why not admit it.

Im not  Thas not true

So you’re not mistrustful . .

. . Distrustful  Distrustful

                             By my experience

You interrupted.

   You’re distrustful . . . I don’t see a diff . .

. . You should  Yaoughta know the words you use

                                                      Words ya casually carelessly break

under his grimace he ground his teeth

                                          he cleared his throat You distrust your fellow man’s sincerityquestion . his integrity.                                                      

I have no fellow man

                          Authenticity wanes

shook his head dismally Just semantics.

Whimper Susurrate  Semantics  Suck a limp dick

                                                         Authenticity is unshakable A toggled harpoon

Whas past is prologue Shakespeare  Tempest

I see whawas helps me see up the road ahead A far piece  Obviously beyond you

                                                                                         Youre not a student of history 

Ya hang on my words  Shame on you  Ya don look or learn Ya don know for yourself

   I am not cynical

                     Im aware

Thaya don want to conflatecombine the two thas on youyour decision

                                                                           Out of my hands

I aint gonna break a sweat over whaya think

I  Believe

            I do not think

   So you believe. Not think.  Mistrust.   Distrust.

Yes

      The weight is behind me Years goneby now   You have no idea

                                                                            You havent invested

I’ve no skin in the game?

None An astute recognition

                              Bravissimo

1500,  Saturday,  13  1. 24

1936,  Monday – Martin Luther King, Jr Day,  15  1. 24

The Band  The Weight  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLFAQuWFcTo

https://genius.com/The-band-the-weight-lyrics

Tiikk  You Weren’t  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fndhEBrEv9Y

he caught her abrupthalts  had he blinked he would have missed themhad he missed them he would still have had his suspicions

she was a synesthete counted in colour saw time like pictures in her head smelled in colours

but she was a witch

                      a good oldfashioned witch without the cackle without the wart with a depth of soul that was bottomless

             she had a fantastic bottom

   was the first time a fanny swayed him

no  small  feat

approx1400,  Sunday,  14  1. 24

1551,  Monday – Martin Luther King Jr Day,  15  1. 24

    sex alleviated soothed his angst

the blue lacy agate his daughter selected for him helped  but wasnt the trick it was heavy hard in his hand in his palm

she told him it would help calm him  Yareally think I need to be calm calmed

                                                                                 You?    Yes.

   he needed something softer  more pliable delicate

He knew

           the deeperHim knew

He mustered a salve a dreamed salve at once a voicenot his wordsnot in his hand he listened to the voice followedread with it like a subtitle

                                     she glistened  and looked  and felt  and smelled  and tasted like split stonefruit

he could feel his spine relax become a snakespine able to curlcoil a catspine elastic agile 

                                                                                                an atop it his skull warming

soothed  bathed 

angst away

glistening

looked

smelled

tasted

split stonefruit

   He saw the day comingstress coming and wanted him warmedup stretchedout to face it

AMish,  Monday – Martin Luther King, Jr Day,  15  1. 24

https://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/blue-lace-agate/

Kings  I HAVE A DREAM  https://www.npr.org/2010/01/18/122701268/i-have-a-dream-speech-in-its-entirety

American Greed second to none ticks him off egregiously

                                                            anyet what had been distant in the rear mirror is up on his ass on a crappy one lane road

White  Republican  Texan  Inhumanity

                                          cost a woman and two children their lives

THEIR LIVES

              which would be more significant if one viewed those deaths through a magnified len of THEIR LIFE

Yahear the one about Abbott screamingbloodymurder clutching his wheelchair dumped in the middle of the Rio Grande

“National Guard soldiers” – those are some names we need to know the bootlicks the enablers henchmen – “deployed by Abbott did not allow Border Patrol agents to attempt to rescue the migrants.”

                                                                                fuckedup

White House spokesman Angelo Frenandez Hernandez “While we continue to gather facts about the circumstances of these tragic deaths,” – murders – “one thing is clear: Abbott’s political stunts are cruel, inhumane, and dangerous.”

   which is exactlyexactly the point

1135,  Monday – Martin Luther King, Jr. Day,  15  1. 24

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/3-migrants-drown-near-shelby-park-eagle-pass-texas-soldiers-denied-entry-federal-border-agents/

Ohno  No no no

                  next time he was leaned on for being severe or intolerant hed straighten their ass prontoOhyah

he was all ears

evidently yet another problem he had he loved hearin people tell him wha his problem was

Ears

Yeah. You’re hearing goes beyond the telling.

Its called active listening

                           Which then allows me to parse the others argument

Argument. You see?  It can’t ever be a discussion with you, deteriorates into an interrogation.

When I ask clarifying questions

Death of a thousand cuts.

Horseshit

           I know a gal who broke with her boyfriend because while he enjoyed provoked her made clarifying questions when she turned them on himtook him to the mat he was none too happy  Hed get mean Believed they were his prerogative his providence  Not hers

So either be groundedknow wha yare talking about Or keep your mouth shut

                                                                                   Simple

   Simple. End of conversation.

Did I say tha

Simple sounded mighty declarative.

There you have it Your time to pose a clarifying questionNo

                                                                Im deducing

   Nothing Nada   Just keepin your mouth shut

It’s hard to talk to you, man.

Not ifya know wha youre talking about

                                           Case in point Dealbreaker

What of it?

Im referencing my singular to yours my brothers an others who can tolerate threefour dealbreakers  Abide them

    Comon  True or false

Like I said, you're hard to talk to.

Ifya think Im tough I got a humdinger for ya

                                               Ran into a guy at a bar Pretty raw Conversed  I didnt care for his choice of a shot an beer he didnt care for mine  Ya know wha he calls it

Calls what?

irritated he shrugged his shoulders You know Youre hard to talk to

                                                                      Whawerewe talking about 

   Dealbreakers.

Nice Still a worm turns inside your apple

                                               Know wha tha guy called it

No.

Dealkiller

             I gottasay Best thing tha came out of his mouth Im running with tha here on out

approx1300,  Sunday,  14  1. 24

1738,  Sunday

. . . No   no I woudnt call it an obsession

Then what?

Genetic

Just like thatfrom the hip?

                            You’re gonna finger your parents for your rude . .

. . Holdon  holdon Don get ahead of yourself an start slinging aspersions atop obsessions

                                                                                                Got a real hungry bug up your ass this afternoon

You know.  You say things to rile . .

. . Don take much to roil water in a shallow puddle dude

Now who’s insulting? he bristled

he thought bristled was a good look on him Oh Was calling motels an obsession meant to be an insult  Aint

Wha obsesses you

Nothing.

           Nothing obsesses me.

Ill give you a second to actually think about wha yare sayin

                                                                Cuz I got a sharpened wooden stake to drive through your heart

   You do?

Indubitably IN DO BIT TALLY split your sternum  Fuckin uncomfortable tillya croak

You always have to be so graphic.

Middle name

               I like to paint a picture in your skullwas once an original cavepainter  reincarnated  so there is no room for youanyone to misconstrue my intent or words

So

   So . . what?

Asshole

         Your believed nonexistent obsession

You’re mistaken.

Genetic

At that again?

I am

       Whadaya got  Cuz I got

Spew.  I’m calling it shit before it’s out of your mouth.

Simpleton  Dunce

                   I got a pointy hat to replace Giants cap

Nothing

Nothing to admit.

Then Ill extracttoss it on the ground like offal you wouldnt eat for your life  Delicious

You got nothing.

Big tits 

        An aint no matter what theyre protruding jutting from natural artificial as long as theyre big  You shallow puddle  Which is redundant

                                But ohso necessaryGraphic  one might say

Deny

I don’t obsess.

You take womens pictures off your big plasma screen an text them to me

                                                                             Last time I sent you a picture of a seedy motel

Yah  Nothing

              Yamiss as in cathedrals the mass of humanitytheir emotions tha theyve left invested in the enclosing walls steeping them

Obviously a cathedral is different than a motel room But not much really

All sorts of sordid libidos smeared on walls peppering their atmospheres

Strikes me at a nanolevel cellular

                                      Genetic

Frankly only person who gives me a run for my money is my daughter an her penchant for dive bars Grrls got a nose for themcant hideem from her

                             Genetic

1028,  Sunday,  14  1. 24

ELP  Karn Evil 9  1st Impression Part 2  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc6ymS4NGxg

he just cant help himselfcant  abide himself

not himhe didnt but he is not very unlike those people who HAD to watch ISIL beheadings on-line

therefore

           in his own manner hes also a sick puppy

Iowa caucuses

                 MAGAGAG Excuse me Trump loyalists braving frigid conditions perhaps like the numb frigidness in their brains remind him of dogs who havent the sense to come in out of the rain or cold

1040,  Sunday,  14  1. 24

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-s-campaign-banks-on-its-loyal-supporters-to-turn-out-and-caucus-in-iowa-despite-frigid-weather/ar-AA1mXrGY?ocid=mailsignout&pc=U591&cvid=21df5fcdc32a4e64883dc7cfebd4bfae&ei=21

Yad think having a conscience would be a nice thing

What makes you say that?

Listenin to you bellyache

What? What did I say that prompted that?

Your stove

             You dropped fivegrand on it an since youve had it youve been bitchin

It aint working.

Got your back brother

So . . what does it have to do with a conscience?

The thruline

Means nothing to me.

Of course it does

                    When you bought the beasthad it installed  Whahappened the first time they fired it up for you

It didn’t come up.

No

     It didnt then they fuckedround with it tried again   Whahappened

It didn’t come up.

Third times a charm it did

Yes.

Relieved they bugged

                       They left you with a lousy faulty stove Two years now  Has it functioned in the manner they said

You expected

No.

   No

No.

Youve bitched about it since it was installed

                                               They havent backed their product Theyll come out for a hunredfifty dollars FUCK THA

The conscience

                 Theyre knowingly fuckin youknow theyre fuckin ya motherfuckers   Ought to be running for president

But  But

            Youve not made notations of time date days you called What transpiredwas said during those conversations because Ill tell ya They havent either

                                        Had you  Youd be buttfuckin em blackanblue now

Youd have a new stove thad fireup first time

Idiot

Me?

You

      Fuckin candyass nice guy You should have crawled down their throatsgagged em madeem shit in their pants

   Yeahwell.  I’m not you.

Fuckno yare not

1428,  Reggaefriday,  12  1. 24

1823,  Saturday,  13  1. 24

Peter Tosh  Pick Myself Up  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_hZyzst6i0

You’re ridiculous. shook his head

Don shake your head Who do you think you are  My Maw

Alright, lemme ask you since you brought your mother up, you share that little pearl with her?

Duh

Whadaya mean . . duh?

I always run my materialhe laughedloud clutched his ribs it erupted

                                                                     Sorry  Material  Tickled me

Arya kiddin  I always run my material through my Maw If I tick her off I keep it in my act Now if she were smartnot tha she aint but if she were smart by now I thought shed know better not to react   Let sleeping dogs lie

Butbrother can she bark

                           You’re your father’s son, not mine.

Awstop Maw youre so full of shit I got all these cowlicks in my hair from youyour side of the family and and and you named me after your favourite movie star . .

. . That’s enough, young man.

She said that’s enough young man?

Yah Then I knew I really got under her skin

                                               Great fuckin material

But it’s not really . . material

    Is tha a question or a statement

I don’t know.

Want to makeup your mind

   I don’t know.

Need five

   No.  I don’t.

                 It’s not material. 

Im not being performative

But sometimes you say you are.

I have.

That I don’t get.

Because youre a bleeding extraextrovert need attention interaction companionship I do not I am an introvert  I can turn on socialise but its exhausting   Perfomative

I don’t get that.

You don have to Its not material

                                      However I feel bad for you

Bad for me?

Yah

       Thaya don find tha a real good sneeze is as good as an orgasm I can hear my Maw groan

 

1428,  Reggaefriday,  12  1. 24

1500,  Saturday,  13  1. 24

You’re anxious?

I am

Anxious one two or yours?

   threw him a curve must have appeared on his face

Most people rely on one, experiencing worry, unease, nervousness, then there’s two, wanting something badly, usually with a feeling of unease, then there’s yours, which is unmitigated excitement that you call anxious and throw everyone off because they do not understand anxious as excited.

                                                           Words.   They matter.

I agree however I don suffer either anxious one or two Not in my vocabulary

                                                                                 Individual vocabularies matter  Lexicons  Agree

Usually I would, however your lexicon is, odd, distinctly yours.  Unless someone knows you . .

. . Dominates my time

   threw him a curve appeared on his face

Dominate You know the definition commanding influence on be the most conspicuous person have a commanding position over  overlook

I do . however I don’t seerecognise . . anyone dominating you.

Not me my time Two separate things

                                             counting on his fingers Theres you my daughter buddy from Chicago my Dad  Virtually four

For dominate to be accurate you’d, obviously, have to submit.

For conversation yes

                       In regards to socialising youre it Timemy time is a valuable commodity words valuable commodity valuable currencies I donwanna get caughtup in a riptide of repartee  inanity

Dig

   Who says dig anymore?   

1428,  Reggaefriday,  12  1. 24

1240,  Saturday,  13  1. 24

The Trammps  Disco Inferno  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5lSeYd_riw

Kazukii  Without You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vG7F2BW8ZAY

it began as a quick chitchatcatchup over the phone and just before hangingup he asked Say quickly whawas amicable about Erica and Joshs breakup

Josh and Erica? 

                       You know something I don’t?

Whadayamean

They just began dating.

I jotted it down in October an been meaning to ask you since but in our catchingup tha sheets been buried beneath others was just flipping through them now saw the notation thought Id ask so I can lose it Everything else on the page the other ideas Ive exploredexploited written them

                                                      Josh seems the thread

There was Josh and . . Tierra? Not Erica.

   Maybe

           Wastha an amicable breakup

she laughedhuskily he could image her dimples firing Anything regarding Josh tends to be amicable. He’s that kind of guy.

Frankly, a pushover.

Wastha why your flirting with him hit a wall

Yeah.       The flirting was nice.

                                   However the pushover element exhibited early, an often, an I need spice in my relationships if they’re to exceed a friendshipbeing buddies. He is a great friend.

Youve know each other a long time Since college

No, we met a couple years after through mutual friends.

Mutual friends Theyre dangerous

Your mutual friends were.

They were  They had agendas

                                  Who knew

Isn’t this where you ask, is that a thing?

Agendas

laughed more husky dimples deeper  What a maroon.

Yah

        I should have known better

To be fair they were looking after youthey wanted you to be happy.

I was happy You don have to be in a relationship to be happy

                                                                   Far less complicated

Yes.  And you’re an uncomplicated guy.

I yam wha I yam

Attempting to top my maroon?

Nothing tops a maroon

                         If a coconut macaroon a cherrywho doesnt like a cherry Wha a peach

Sounds like fruit cocktail Papa.

On large curd cottage cheese

                               Large curd Hard to find

It’s on-line.

Aint buying on-line Ought to be in stores

It is, though apparent not in that Podunk town you rummage around in.

Rummage  Colourful

Thank you.

Youre welcome

                   Josh

Yes. 

       We almost misplaced him. Amicable.

Yes

     And

He brokeup with Tierra, and let her live rentfree with him for six months.

So   If I lookup amicable in the dictionary Ill find Joshs picture 

Yeah.

       Very likely.

Thank you I can close the book on tha

Yabetcha. I gotta go Papa I love ya.

I love you  I miss you

I miss you too.

Sunday,  15  10. 23

1838,  Thursday,  11  1. 24

1050,  Saturday,  13  1. 24

You recognisedon’t you? you print pretty large.

I do

Why so big?

Reason one my scribble evenif large is at times illegible I get emotional Many people have insisted I should have been a tagger . .

. . Or a doctor.

Yes Although my bedside manners woud have gotten me in trouble

Second youll remember grade school doing arithmetic at the chalkboard in front of everyoneright up there with having to make a speech to the class on a particular subject  Well I spent a lot of time at the chalkboard Beatles said it best “writing fifty time I will not be so”  Anyway  I believe theyve made me prone to printing large

   Writing fifty times on the chalkboard?

Wha

       You remember tha as punishmentyah

I’ve heard of it.

Heard of it he was incredulous Were you a fuckin saint No no you werent   Its who your parents wereyour Dad

You don’t know what you’re talking about.

An idea

         Certain people are easy to make examples of Others are hands off but theyre easily bridled by punishing someone else Basis of law I believe  Yah Fifty times on the chalkboard Then the teacher woud ask when I finished if Id written it fifty times Yah I say Then shed have me count them one at a time Anwhen inevitably I miscounted I always had long sentences I will not be so woud have been a breeze  shed have me erase the board and write it fifty times as I shoud have the first time

Once I had to write onehunred times

Well, if you think about it, it’s not really much of a punishment.

No increduloussquared

                       Out of the mouth of someone who never had to write on the board  You havent a clue whayare talking about

Which you do frequently   

Wittgenstein

without a flinch I’m just saying it wasn’t a physical punishment.

Ohno  Really   Ya have no idea ya didnt growup in Chicago The Chicago school system was easily on par as tough as Catholic catechism classesyou ever kneel on a broomstick for laughing at a Biblical tale Daniel in the lions den lions woud have eaten him any selfrespecting lion woud have munched  Nuns were brutal

                                                                                            They shoud have been allowed to get laid Priests for that matter too

The cherry on top the sundae

                               Writing on the chalkboard was afterschool

After school? he looked horrified

Yah

Come home

Mawd ask  Why are you late?

Like she didnt know

Id say

Cracked on the ass for screwing off

Anthen the proverbial Wait till your father gets home. Now go do your homework.

Which woud have me go up to my room that I shared with my two brotherslept in the same queen with my brother until he went in the service after graduation Something yanever didhad your own bed your own bedroom

I coud hear my Dad come up the steps undoing his belt

You have no fuckin idea

   Two reasons  likely of many if I wanted to think harder why I print large

1948,  2sday,  9  1. 24

1133,  Reggaefriday,  12  1. 24

Beatles  Maxwell’s Silver Hammer  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJag19WoAe0

Wittgenstein: Whereof onecannot speak, thereof one must be silent.