chugga chugga chugga choochoo

                                   the little engine that could

hed bet straight odds this little engine couldnt despite the fierce smoke it emitted  

the caboose it hauled

the freight fright it hauled

it couldnt haul its ass up and over the mountain and into the valley below if its life depended upon it 

                                                                                                         Yagotta remember he thought the Little Engine who uttered I think I can – I think I can – I think I can - I think I can – I think I can – I think I can – I think I can orgasmically ITHINKICAN 

                                              was a she-engine

this loosey-goosey one was a he-engine

black jeans barely hanging onto his hips

chuggachuggachuggin on his vape

the smoke trailinhangin in the air ten feet behind him

he made a bet with himself

despite it wasnt nine in the morning

the he-engine would careen across the street to the Taco Bell

had he-engine been on his side of the street he had to admit he would have been tempted to trip himtrip him like small children who irritated himknew they irritated him he told them Stop they were irritating him 

                                                                                                  who he tripped landed on their hands and knees scraped them good

                                            under his breath Kid fuck with a bull you get the horns Lesson learned I hope

but of course their Waaahwahwaaaaahs selfpity drowned out any sensiblecognizant words they might have spilled

no matter  he was up walking away reading his book 

wasnt his kid

if his kids acted like that hed have tripped them too  he wouldnt stand for that

spare the rod spoil the child spare the gritty concrete spoil the child

he won his bet

he should have bet himself more

he-engine entered pocketing its vape exited several minutes later with a huge bag of Taco Bell which couldnt possibly have been all for him 

it looked like it had some hefty to it

or he carried it as if it did 

                           and he huffed and he puffedhe huffed and he puffedhe chuggachuggachugged on his vape as he waltzed back in the direction from where he came  he went around the corner out of sight at the end of the block behind a Mexican restaurant that didnt open until Lunch trailing smoke

he saw one or two more puffs rise over the top of a restaurant watched the smoke dissipate 

he didnt think the he-engine ever thought I think I can -- I think I can -- I think I can

Jesus he couldnt help but wonder if maybe he wasnt one of those boys he trippedhe dropped who never did learn their lesson 

Bon appetite

0851,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  3  3. 21

1313,  Thursday,  4  3. 21

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2EhWYGbi5o

  

the power-lusting greedy racist GOP 

                                      they are not interested in governance in providing for the whole of America

Wisconsin senator Ron Johnson apparently had to get his 900 dead he had to have the $1.9 trillion Trump virus bill read out loud – his fat ass had better been sitting in chambers while it was suffered

the Republican Party is a death cult

1647,  Fryday,  5  3. 21

https://www.jsonline.com/story/news/politics/2021/03/04/ron-johnson-forces-reading-covid-relief-bill-senate-floor/4584834001/

 

it caught his eye

                 but things usually did

a huge white pickup truck -- theyre all huge these days – theyre not working trucks – personal vehicles – their drivers back them into parking spaces and make people wait on them while they seesaw back and forth parking the beast because theyre inept

                       anyet this truck this truck sailing past him on the main thoroughfarethe main street of a small burg made him smile smile despite himself despite his severe opinion of people who owned them those white  entitled  males

       Look at my big truck.

                            theres a term for that something regarding inadequate but it eluded him and he wasnt giving chase  no chase none

what caught his eye was the girl sitting beside the driver his arm was around her shoulders she was tucked up against him

             it shot him back to his youth benchseats  being chastised by his parents Soandso saw him driving in town and his girlfriend she she was sitting uptight right against him

Didn’t we tell you? both hands on the wheel? you’re not driving safely and that car isn’t your car, is it?  

                                                                                                             he loved rhetorical questionsloved em he answered anyways No It is not my old palegreen sedan but I pay you my share of insurancethe share you tell me I must I return it with a full tank of gas because I have to despite whenever I ask to borrow it and you allow it or suddenly revoke it its always nearly Empty And  and I understand it is a sore subject but I havent received a ticket have I Which suggests I am driving safely conducting the car safely 

                                                                                                   he didnt bring up the harrassment yup two Rs it ups the ante on being harassed the harrassment was by two particular cops who seemed to lay-in-wait for him because he was a long hair and they were sure when he rolled through the forest preserve that he was buying drugs 

they wanted him to unlock the glovebox

                                          Ya got a warrant I will

they wanted him to unlock the trunk

                                      Ya got a warrant I will 

You think you’re smart, punk? 

                                 he could elaborate he didnt   No sir 

so they spied what they could and always always  tore the backseat bench out and hurled it into the forests edge the weeds foxtails  usually standing water

Have a nice day, punk. 

                        and they drove off leaving him on the gravel on the side of the road the four doors wide open  the bench in the ditch 

two Rs

 

both hands on the wheel  

                          but then nothing was finer in the world than going down the road free his girl leaning into him smelling good her hair smelling good her hand on his thigh  really warm where she touched him free  in love   not a care in the world 

                         the care comes when you grow older 

                                                                 it comes earlier if youre disenfranchised which he knew then but he was born into different circumstances 

a bench frontseat 

a bench backseat 

                   If you he thought havent made love in the backseat  yaint lived

0849,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  3  3. 21

1139,  Thursday,  4  3. 21

thats rare but not really so rare as to be unexpected

he dreamed text  letters 

                          ALMOND

the lone word etched in white on black (did his unconsciousness have a subconsciousness) field

ALMOND was static 

                        it seemed he dreamed it for a long time

he waited patiently

waited for something to change

maybe become lowercase letters 

                                   something

his dreaming mind wanderedplayed thought of variations finally got sick and tired of waiting and imposed opaque ghostly letters over ALMOND

almond 

         he took advantage of his consideration  also should ALMOND change he could see it change behind the lowercase letters

all mond

all mon

monal

model

modal

monodalith jazzing up monolith

a mend

amend

he stopped nothing was becoming

maybe his waiting his inactivity for so long beggedinformed its inaction

his dreaming mind couldnt imaginefathom why ALMOND would have appeared in the first place and then languish unchanged  lethargic as maybe only a single word can  a single dominating word

then he thought its not a noun its an adjective almond eyes  almondshaped eyes

or maybe what he needed if it were the noun was not to think of the kernelthe nut but perhaps the almond in its shell or stepping furthur out the almond in its husk on a tree 

ALMOND  all mode  all made  fate  faith  they werent the same

ALMOND 

          what was he chasing while the letters remained static  why did he really care  what was his fascination

usually when he dreamed text it scrolled

ALMOND didnt even jitter

usually they scrolled like he was reading a long continuous page

sometimes in reverse 

                      which was entertaining as all hell  felt like he was going to injury his brain

ALMOND

in font not handwriting   certainly not his

and not a font he preferred which irritated him furthur then perhaps or therefore not his fabrication hed been hackedSTOP 

            NO  he hadnt been hacked  half the time if he didnt have to be there he wouldnt but he couldnt put this beast on auto-pilot and in good conscienceHA conscience consciousness  walk away 

it was necessarily he

he might wakeup with a headache

though hed bet he wouldnt

 

 

ALMOND  until he woke

1019,  Sunday,  17  11. 19

1204,  Twosday,  2  3. 21

four variants of Trump virus

rabid Abbott 

              https://www.kxan.com/news/texas/gov-abbott-to-share-exciting-news-at-130-p-m-press-conference-tuesday/ he fucks up the response to the recent Freeze  now hes teeing up death like no other except the Dear Leader – the man who was never president                                                

for a man confined to a wheelchair he shouldnt be teeing up a damn thing

1654, Twosday,  2  3. 21

Racism

Supreme Court justice Amy Coney Barrett  

                                            “What’s the interest of the Arizona RNC in keeping, say, the out-of-precinct ballot disqualification rules on the books?”

GOP lawyer Michael Carvin 

                             "Because it puts us at a competitive disadvantage relative to Democrats. Politics is a zero-sum game.”

in other words the Republican party is a white supremacy party and coloured votes have to be suppressed

Justice Barrett  the historically sacrificial black-desired white woman  Yah she can help keep America ruled by starched-white patriots whackos

its 2021 400 years of fucking over Negroes and now their coloured brethrenSTOP

                                                                                       white people who embrace this mentality are animals are pigs 

                                 Terribly sorry pigs dont mean to bring you downmisalign you  yare better than they are

1738,  Twosday,  2  3. 21

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXeacp23Dhg

 

Yawanna play

Whats that

Follow the leader

Mebbe  Who

Two cats I know youll dig

Im listening

Oh yare waitin for me to say

You said two cats Id dig Layem on me

Vincent an Henry

Okay You got my attention

Youll remember Vincent wrote Theo  I let myself go without thinking of any rules.

I think . . I . d . .

. . Yaknow yaknow do  Yaplayin hard to get

she gave him a stern look  still there was humour in it   Get on with it man 

they flirted whenever they ran into each other she was getting tired of running around trying to run into him

unbeknownst to her his place overlooked her brownstone

on occasion hed catch her going out the tiled foyer through that massive wood elaborate glass front door if he was dressed hed bug out of his place through the alley an see if he might run into her clandestinely in the neighbourhood

her step this morning wasnt deliberate casual   

if they ever clicked hed have to move shed mentioned her place before he hadnt

hes admired her since grade school

she didnt pay him any attention

but he was mighty shy  then 

Henry wrote about painting . . . the monster simply grows under my hand . . . what I am trying to point out is that these failures, or monstrosities, are a result of my faith in the virtue of letting things happen. 

                                                                                          he wrote later that when theyre framed and hung he realised they had qualities that he never dreamed of when he tossed them aside 

Having fun arent you fun at my expense

No not at all 

               Yaknow what Im saying is true true about youyour mindset  mindset if I have to call it something

Youre audacious you know

Im not Yave shared pieces of your writing with me In each and every one there are seminal images sentences that are hot and scorch the rest The rest is the fixturethe head holding the jewels

You tryin to get in my pants 

                             he continued asif he hadnt heard her Sometimes when looking at a painting I fixate on a portion of it enjoy its striations the shapes in the coloured oil seemingly minute aspects yet they inform embellish reorder reconflagrate my imagination my interest

Its also helped inform me excuse me as I say so yare not include . .

. . Im not

No not at all Its informed me of my regard of women who I admired for one single redeeming if yawill  quality  detail that so thoroughly attracted me I was ignorant to their ugliness  I let that singular aspect embody them   

as he spoke he looked her in the eyes

she thought to look away  but did not

And unfortunately on the other hand a single detriment might disgust me for the rest of what could be a very attractive person

Thats interesting she pursed her lips her lips were very attractive A kind of twisted one for all and one for all

Oh Clever  I didnt think of that thank you

Dont mention it 

                 she smiled A thoughtful gu . . 

. . Now excuse me for cutting you off  But not always

A learning curve

Nice of you to let me off the hook throw me back Really amazing when I think about it my abject blindness my inordinate narrowmindedness Blinkers for appeal and distaste

 

Hmm she purred she decided she liked him  Art is to waken the eye

2300,  Saturday,  25  1. 92

1020,  Twosday,  2  3. 21

he reminded her that his compassion was hard won

You keep saying so.

I do  because unconditionally you dole out your compass . . 

. . You think compassion has conditions?   it was nearly a snarl

It should  it should because the people who have secured your unblinkingyour unquestioning compassion arent worth it Theyre using you And not that I havent said this before to you about them 

                                                                                   Theyre  snakes 

That’s cruel.

To whom

To them, and to me . . 

. . Stop Yare like your mother You fall over yourself to help someone reflexively  without thought without questioning the circumstances yare so willing to aid

her eyes were wet   she glared

This conversation is not new You knew this about me when we dated You knew this when I asked you to marry me  Not new

 

Compassion We either have it or we dont I do  but at the price of knowing why I should be compassionate

Tryin to cultivate it I think thats appropriate cultivate it it is not an innate quality for me anwhile I may be improved exhibiting it an indignation hangs  a stain colours it

Donya think a shallow compassion is treacherous

Compassion Latin  To suffer with

 

Am I making any sense We havent gone into this this deep before

It is my compassion; and I will use it as I see fit.

Anyado Ive never tried to limit it you Yare upset is that Im not elbows an knees in it with you Thats not questioning you I accept you as you Im asking that you accept me who you knew me to be  as me

Why . . .

Please A shallow compassion I would eventually resent whoever because I didnt need to suffer their pains I chose to An choosing I can as easily choose to turn my eye away ignore them cease my discomfort 

Shallow compassion doesnt work 

When mine is earned Im all in 

Out of hand  out of hand   the only compassion Im willing to dispense without conditions though conditions are implied is for you and the children

Everyone else can bark up a tree without attesting first why they should deserve mine

 

the hastily constructed dam broke tears dribbled out of her eyes 

                                                                     she didnt sob 

I thought that you, you might see, one day, the error of your ways.

he didnt say 

            he thought  she was religious her parents were elders in the Presbyterian Church you worship a God who is Remote youve let Him snuff the godlike Nature which is inherently yours 

                                                                             unfortunately  not a discussion

 

1315,  Friday,  24  1. 92

1511,  Monday,  1  3. 21

Do as I say, not as I do (because I’m not telling you what I did).  says the orange Dear Leader to his loyal followers

https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-got-the-covid-19-vaccine-at-the-white-house-in-january-2021-3

Trump virus has killed 517,000 Americans

2001,  Monday,  1  3. 21

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/trump-kept-january-vaccination-a-secret-let-supporters-go-astray-on-covid-science-101813317650?cid=eml_mra_20210302

he found himself doing something he doubted few people did

if they were in cars they were screwed 

they werent competition

                          not with him

he owned it 

            anif someone tried to step inbetween him and it take it from him theyd find their hands full

 

he walked with hawks they accompanied him overhead 

somehow he knew they were therehe lookedup out of the book he was reading 

                                                                                  bold as brass

hed always been keen to their cries but today they were soundless somehowsomeway he was keen to their wings slicing the high silverblue currents they soared on 

                                                          Whasat 

then lookingup he found one   then another 

twos   once threes 

he was gratefultheyd never how much 

                                   but then he maybe thought they wouldthat they were cognizantthey were on a mission his daughter divined 

she admired them as much as he

                                  MORE

they were her totem

his were buffalo  though on rare occasions hawks might have outtouched them

his earthiness demanded buffalo 

                                    however  sometimessomething  ethereal   airy    a hawk 

she was tickled to know that about him

knowing at once his tendency to brusqueness

then that he could have a light lovelyeffervescent touch

 

he walked with hawks the entire time he was out

they looked over his shoulder as he read 

                                            laughed at him when he walked backwards through an intersection  drivers irritated  honking their car horns 

                                   Fuck em HUH

in California  a pedestrian  in broad daylight  knock him down hed be up and through the windshield eating their eyeballs he wasnt someone to underestimate trifle with he was a buffalo of abundant readied violence constantly sounding in his ears running in his veins  slippery   like a hawk slicing through the sky

                                                                                               1824,  Sunday,  28  2. 21 

                                                                                                1024,  Monday,  1  3. 21 

 

shed never be accused of handling material deftly

                                                      she juggled it like balls too big for her hands

at the getgo  going well 

                             the first bobble threw her timing off

then she was unable to keep the rhythm

 

           erring 

                      bobbling  all the balls falling down 

one would think that for as long as shed been trying 

                                                        shed stop give it up      Quit

Quit wasnt in her

she walked from ball to ball picking them up

ball by ball she inspected them

it had to be the balls

some imperfection she missedoverlooked 

certain a ding an imbalance 

                                        she couldnt find either

she shook the dustpicked the lint off the line Absence of evidence isnt evidence of absence

it brought a shortlived solace

any harbor during a storm

its Any port in a storm 

she liked harbors 

                     wasnt a sailor likely to have a woman in every port

its A girl in every port

she liked women

 

obfuscation 

              obscuring 

                           denying something doesnt make it any truer                               

maybe if the balls were different colours

she tried that

maybe if the balls were significantly smaller

she tried that

Maybe you ought to stop. If it was meant to be you’d have succeeded by now. 

Succeed

Success is in the trying

he really liked her

 

                     he had an aversion to perfection  

2240,  Saturday,  27  2. 21

Outkast  Liberation  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuHlbLzrjiI

    Hmmm   unmoored 

                                      

                                              she wouldnt approve

a mooring suggests the sea

she didnt mind standing on a beach looking out to sea

she didnt mind swimming out to sea

hundreds and hundreds of metres

he swam with her because she asked  Would you like to swim out with me?

it was Hawaii  Black Rock 

                              theyd leapt from the rocks  actually he leaptshe dove

The water's so clear, I can see the bottom.

Lets go

they breaststroked out jabbering the whole way 

out and out

                Are you getting tired

No, Dad, are you?

No  but Im bigger than you

No, I’m fine.

Okay  though eyeball back  every stroke out like walking is a step back  cept we donhave to worry about drowning on land

That's a good point, Dad.

I have them on occasions 

I can’t see the bottom.

he looked  he couldnt see it either  Yah me neither

Dad? 

     she looked at him with her huge beautiful brown eyes  her mothers eyes  their ridiculously expressive eyes  Do you think . . . . there are . . sharks . out here?

Love  sharks live in the ocean

They do.

They do 

she looked over her shoulder at the distant beach  stopped swimmingtread water   I . I think we can swim back now.

he tread water beside her  Think its time

she fixed him with her eyes trying hard not to betray any emotion  they were bigger than moments before

Yeah. I think so.

Okay   Quiet  steady strokes  Im right beside you love

We really swam out far.

We really did  Ill betcha well see the bottom real soo . .

. . Yeah, soon.

Soon  In a heartbeat

she was looking

In a heartbeat

Yes.  A heartbeat.

 

 

Anthere ya go baby theres the bottom  You see 

                                                  shed been looking steadily for it the whole time  Oh, yes, you’re right .. I can, I can see it.

There you go  the water is growing shallower and shallower with every strokeeach an every stroke  Nice and steady love

 

there was hell to pay when they got back

                                          Momma bear  What the hell were you thinking? at him Do you know how far out you swam?

No  Aniela  Do you know how far out we swam

Mom, we swam until we couldn’t see the bottom; I don’t know how far.

I do, I walked out to the end of the Rock, I could barely see your headsToo far!

And were back

And you’re back. 

                  Is that some kind of salve?

Were back  Id say so  Aniela wouldnt you say

Yes, I’d say so.  Mom, I’d say so.

That’s not for you to say, Aniela, I’m talking to your father.

Mom, I asked Dad to swim with me, he let me lead, we didn’t go out further than I couldn’t swim back.

she shook her head  A couple of idiots, a big one who should know better, a little one who doesn’t know any bette . .

. . I do.  I know how far I can swim, Mom.

 

 

but no one could put Aniela on a boat

                                       she wasnt having it   she had nightmares

unmoored

                   without her  thats exactly how he felt 

                                                           unmoored  untethered  she had been his fixture   rudderless

    a year later

                        he couldnt see the bottom

                                                                 1449,  Reggae Friday,  26  2. 21  tomorrow  the 27th