mens so-very-fragile masculinity

                                        kinda like  beauty is skin deep

masculinity is kinda shallow

aint kinda

             it is

it humoured him to hear men wrestle with theirs  allowing prescriptions advertisements others to define it

he had a very simple perception

he was a man

                therefore anything he did  anything he wore  was masculine

he didnt take his lead from other men

because that would make him a follower

if other men didnt like him

no skin off his ass

they didnt impressed him

 

one either makes their own way or they can get in line

1050,  Reggae Friday,  23  10. 20

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/22/us/masks-toxic-masculinity-covid-men-gender.html 

Muddy Waters  Mannish Boy  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSfqNEvykv0

it was queer

he didnt know which would be more appropriate

to assume or say that novel coronavirus played into his hands or he played into its

social commentary was that people forced to quarantine stay indoors stay separate of others not enjoy restaurants or bars or public gatherings exceeding ten wearing masks was somehow difficult and that they were becoming despondent angry and willing to disregard defy health protocols and medical science

for him it was a innate coin toss

wake in the morning and flip

heads extroverted

tails introverted

frankly didnt matter to him

he was a mild introvert who could tolerate when necessity demanded that he be extrovert

those casual causal roles he played reminded him of his mollusc pliant abilities

                                                                                   frankly he reminded himself of the slug who emerged in the moonlight and wound a crisscrossing trail  meandered on the freshly tarred drive and left this morning an artful fine etching in slickedsilver of how it spent its night and slipped away beneath the bushes before the sun rose

          a beautiful cursive somethingqueer it seemed to him that while a slug or snail practised a rudimentary writing children werent  they fingered keyboards if they were fortunate used crabbed hand which is to be their expression  their mark 

fuck it just make an X in blood 

                                  technology will ID their DNA and confirm who they are or perhaps their identity will be informed by implanted chips 

he was happy to associate himself with a fledgling mollusc 

                                                              elastic  adaptable

novel coronavirus placed no hardships on him

he could and had always entertained himself

what did that say about others who couldnt

he wouldnt say

though deficient tickled his tongue unimaginative turned on his tongue 

                                                                           maybe because for too long technology has informed and supplanted peoples perceptions  they chose to play programmers games played programmers imaginations  the muscles of their own imagination have grown weak  atrophied  it didnt seem to be worth the effort  and people are prone to take the easy way out

the school of hard knocks had become a criminal venture rather than the adventure of taking no ones wordtrusting no one and studying determining finding out for oneself

unearthing evidence to support the truth

 

it  was   queer 

                   seems the life he led was practise for novel coronavirus 

perhaps lonesome

but not alone

 

1851,  Sunday,  18  10. 20

1551,  Thursday,  22  10. 20

Cream  Tales of Brave Ulysses  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CCfxiQ5QY 

ON THE ROCKS

he scribbled it in black ink at the top of a pagecircling it the rest of the page was written in red ink 

                                                                                                        bits about javelins and boomerangs school of hard knocks thickcut pepperoni veggies and somebodys telephone number  he wrote the number but not their name

he wasnt curious either

                           weird shit always ended up on his pages

here  randomly  another page 

vascularity 

fistula

frank and beans 

                     he disregarded the franks because he found Bush’s Sweet Heat beans  

but he digressed

 

ON THE ROCKS

                   what was he talking about

where was Sherlock Holmes when you needed him 

wheres a cop when you really needed one

after his last couple run-ins with the police 

he wouldnt . . really need one

were cops getting dumber 

                            or maybe everyone was getting dumber

he struggled through grade school

he was convinced he didnt want to go to college

his folks werent having that

to shut their mouths he took a few classes and they all but confirmed in Aces that he didnt want anymore school

it and he had been a bad fit like a bad marriage held onto for the sake of the children

things that meant the most to him scholastically educationally he didnt learn in school and it seemed to him and he liberally shared it with anyone who asked school was like being pithed lobotomised blinkered 

                                                                                                     but when education and he  he realised  were in confluent  he smoked the instructor and then found himself dawdling in the principals or deans office accused of disrupting class

funny he always thought anyoneeven an educator continued to learn his education suggested not not given all the times he was reprimanded

he didnt shine often 

                      but when the game crossed into his field of play he played unrelentingly

he figured everyone had their playing fields playgrounds  grounded to the max and could be a bit of a prick about it

he listened to pricks if they knew what they were talking about

unfortunately most pricks didnt

fortunately he rarely met a prick who was a girl or woman

women had more going for them than being pricks so he naturally gravitated to their company 

                                                                                                     naturally

 

ON THE ROCKS 

                       too bad he couldnt recall what he meant  or what might be

 

apparently Monday,  19  10. 20

1234,  Thursday,  22  10. 20

 

he was twisting up a second joint 

                                     she was already blathering off the first                   

the grass was the shit and he rolled it fathitting his stride again like riding a bicycle

Youah youah really wanna hit a second

Fuck.  Yah.  in a thick Texas drawlthough she wasnt from Texas or had ever been

Awright I get it  Yawanna take the cow over the moon

The moon . . the moooo na

Hey Diddle Diddle

Cat. And the fiddle.  See? I ain’t too stoned.

Cant ever be too stoned  Aint like youll OD youll just drift with the tide an slide into sleep

I aint drifting anywhere . . .

You are

Whatcha talkin bout Willis?

Really Lets leave Diffrent Strokes to other folks

Maay be.

behind them played Electric Ladyland  theyd keep to Hendrix  he just changed out Are You Experienced 

he knew shed liked his records

 

Say we give it twentyminutes halfhour

Why?

Because were talkin  ya start in on something  anya go away from it   Then ya start something else

I’mm a . . thinking.

Bout which thought

Huh?

Yasaid you were thinking  I asked which  which were you thinking about  Thatthat ya started an fizzled out  or whatcha started new

 

That’s how I think when I'm high.

I follow I gotcha

Acc tually  I have two thoughtstwo kinds.

Im listening

Two.

Yasaid  An the little dog laughed

Huh?

To see such fun

Dog?

An the dish ran away with the spoon

Oooh. Yah.  I gotcha, the cat and the fiddle.

Hey Diddle Diddle 

                     Two thoughts  asya said 

Huh?

Yasaid two thoughtya have two thoughts

Ohyahright. Two.

Yasaid

Yes. I’ll elaborate . . this is some really good weed.

Thank you I save it for special occasions

Am I a special occasion?

You know you are

she wrinkled her nose she and her sister had the same kind of nosetheir mothers nose lucky girls to sidestep his beak

Thought I might be.

You are Fill me in on your thoughts

Yeesss ss. he didnt think it was a Texas snake

And

And . . two . thoughts. 

                         One's a javelin . . the other’s a boomerang.

Ah . . 

. . Yasee, doncha?

I do

The javelin’s gone, hurled it, it disappears into the sky. But, maybe, yah, no, yah, eventually, the boomerang comes back to me.

he tucked the second joint a real fattie into his shirt pocket

he stood up

sitting on the couch she weaved trying to stand up with him

Easy girl

Youah . . going somewhere?

Gimme a moment  I thought Id go look for one of your javelins while you wait here for a boomerang to return

Aww, Dad . . . you’re funny!

1241,  Monday,  19  10. 20

0012 or 1212, Thursday,  22  10. 20

The Dramatics  Whatcha See is Whatcha Get  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgG6SU8L-dI

 

 

she called  she was upset

 

when she was upset she called him 

                                       he wasnt inconvenienced despite not fond of talking on the telephone and he was . . honored frankly . that she reached out to him before she called anyone else

hed missed some of her callsthe message machine capturing her and when hereturned and recognised the catch in her voice he called her  they usually spoke over the recording before it ended

Hey sweetheart

Dad . . .

 

they went right at her upset

no punches pulled

no quarters given

their conversations were the most emotional and honest he ever had

                                                                        he felt bad for those parents whose children didnt or couldnt confide in them

he didnt think their relationship was extraordinary

                                                      though too often he was told it was

 

once the meat was gnawed off the boneno matter how long it took they rallied with goodnatured advents during the time since they last spoke

they usually began bittersweet then ran the gamut of humourous hysterical to the absurd  they shared a perverse sense of humour being her father he tainted what could have been a gentile demur  he tainted her sister too 

but he didnt like women who were reserved  he loved his daughters   so they were doomed

 

she worked in Human Resources

he teased Inhuman Resources when talking with people and they asked what his daughter did

she explained as she vetted individuals that consistently she had to pry particulars out of them that they failed to reveal them on their resumes  I’m telling you, Dad, spotty, terrible resumes.

For example babe

Yes. Thank you. For example, I was talking with a young man and I pointed out to him that on his resume he didnt address his education, he wrote nothing down regarding it.

Thats high unusual then he caught himself   It is highly unusual correct

Let me say this, Dad, I’ve received submissions that under education they've written School of Hard Knocks. 

They

Several resumes, Dad.

Thats unfortunate 

                          then he barkedhowled sputtering unfortunate    she joined him

1207,  Monday,  19  10. 20

1127,  Twosday,  20  10. 20

The Kinks  Who’ll Be the Next In Line  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7lhMDrxEZU

$222K -- Killed

 

(Coronavirus) is rounding turn.

hed heard asses bray more attributed truths than the president

They’re tired of the pandemic . . 

                                  “they’re” his cult-followers an how asinine to tire over a virus that . . well . a virus . . . without conscience . . oops! momentarily confused himself . he could have been referring to either the virus or the president . . though the virus would have an excuse . like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz who hadnt a brain

You turn on CNN. That’s all they cover: Covid, covid, pandemic. Covid, covid, covid. 

unlike the president hiding his head in the dirt like an ostrich (thats a saying – he knows ostrichs cant compete with Drumpf) . . the president prefers herd mentality (yes it is herd immunity but if Drumpf called it “mentality” then he was going to beat him with the switch put in his hand)

They’re trying to talk people out of voting. People aren’t buying it, CNN, you dumb bastards.

its so invigorating a stable CoVidiot is at Americas helm

then if that wasnt enough the president assaults Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer (saved by the FBI from being kidnapped tried and executed by white supremacists) over  her virus lockdowns . . then with spittle-sheen still wetting his lips he goes after his administrations top infectious-disease expert Anthony Fauci who was “absolutely not” surprised that the president contracted Covid-19 based on the way he was behaving        

Fats Waller  Ain’t Misbehavin’  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ8fWP6a3Q4

1528,  Twosday,  20  10. 20

https://outlook.live.com/mail/0/inbox/id/AQMkADAwATYwMAItOTA3MS04MGZhLTAwAi0wMAoARgAAA3WjpKc7cPZFny%2BrLdaubrMHAMepe1zO4DpMpnJXM8BCucMAAAIBDAAAAMepe1zO4DpMpnJXM8BCucMAA9ZldfMAAAA%3D  https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/newly-released-reports-show-white-house-saw-covid-crisis-worsening-as-trump-downplayed-94271557783

 

he stuck his fingers in his hair and shook the sides back at the naperan his fingers through his hair widowspeak back what he saw in the mirror looking back at him suggested he use a brush

itd been years since hed brushed his hair  his girlfriend preferred it short  compromise  concession  although she was worth every haircut he endured

endured was spot on

                       he preferred to wear it longhad worn it long for years before they met

when they met her he realised he was enduring Time had been bidding his time he hadnt seen her comingwouldnt have dared imagine her 

                         despite his copious imagination

 

opting for a brush his crew looking in the mirror with him ooohd and aaahd Oh, man, you're beginning to look like a caveman.

A caveman

You see what we see; ain't no doubt.

Guys gals look again That aint a caveman looking back at us its a mountain man dig  More intelligent than any knuckledragger Technically more capable 

                                             I can tolerate the technology he mastered Wheels come off the ride an Id be confident because there aint a damn thing brute about us any longer 

                                                                        Weve been feminised

several cohorts shouldered in beside him snarling they took exception to being called feminised

he saw it in their expressions

                               Seems Ive hurt some feelingshuh more thinskinned than I thought butt hurt Then do yourselves a favour an step out of the bathroom

jaws jutted

eyes narrowed

Hey rather than posing outraged   Go 

                                          Yare of me Im not of you It wouldnt be a fair fight no matter the odds

Go

thank gawd they were sensible  hed hate brawling in a confined space

Split the difference Caveman mountain man they werent far apart apex predators  Though my mountain man with a 50 caliber Hawkins could kill accurately at sixtyseventy yards

technology

a caveman didnt have that

 

hed have been happy if technology pulled up on the reins and stopped right there

 

2208,  Sunday,  18  10. 20

2027, Monday,  19  10. 20

The Coasters  Sh Boom  Life Could Be a Dream  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEP224Sa4Rw

 

 

wheneverwherever  its a good ideawise to beat your dreams to the punch 

refreshing a water can for his feral catspushing aside bushes that usually held sway before the spigotlooking down he saw what he saw it hung in his eyes innocuously for a moment then branded his sensibilitieshe was ahead of them  acting nonchalant he saw or heard or felt a percolating in his headhis dreams rabidly taking notes scribbling to remember to use it on him perhaps that evening  though more likely some future date 

if revenge is best served cold 

                             this bunch camped in his skull would fuck his dead body

he saw the reason in it 

no one could stop them

possibly a benefit of not having brakes conscience   or consciousness

lotsa luck to the next beast that they would infect and harrow when he was dead

 

pressing the forgiving bushes aside with the watering can he saw slender fine spiderwebs and gouts of frantic strands that would be like healing scabs on a persons flesh they were everywhereon the plantsin the dirtstrung between wood members holding up the porch  arrayed in the sun that likely they rarely ever saw they were silverwhite and he recognisedprobably as his dreams did  their tint wasnt unlike his long hair or that twining in his beard  

he could imagine where his dreams might go with those elements 

                                                                     webs spiders brittle exoskeletons evacuated dried tinny like aged beer cans hurled to the weeds along a road from passing cars  eggsac puffs like cotton candy  an invite to hundreds of scurrying offspring

he heard stonecold fingers snap like gunshots 

                                               heard Muthafuckerthat muthafucker                                               

aint nothing as gratifying as usurping ones dreams  

1255,  Sunnyday,  18  10. 20

1529,  Sunnyday,  18  10. 20

postscript 

           he read  . . revenge can be worth the cost DUH Revenge is only beneficial if you can improve yourself through it. WHA YAHOO WROTE THIS  BENEFIT ISNT REVENGES PURPOSE In most cases you won’t break even when you obsess over getting revenge. AINT ABOUT EVEN REVENGE IS EXCESSIVE In most cases, taking revenge is just going to make you feel worse OR ENTIRELY BETTER or it will come with consequences that make your life worse. YAD BE AN IDIOT IF YADIDNT SMELL THE SCENT OF POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES AND AMERLIORATE THEM     

 

What a mook. You kidding?you gotta be kidding . . you didn’t see that coming? How could you?you were asleepeyeballs shut tight.

 

a mook  wheres this clown picking up his insults   MOOK

Cat got your tongue?  Ha!  Cute, huh?

he was just waking up  the cats ran him over earlier that morning at the sweep and skirts of sleep he recognised the kittens tearing around the housechasing one another  they took turns at who was after who and who the third leg in the adventure was 

                 fuckin kittens are playful

ninjas to boot

did they have to do it before dawn

evidently

he knew however when they stopped chasing each otherplaying their game hed miss it he might miss it more than them itd mean they werent kittens any longer and they were probably going to be the last kittens he would ever have 

his cats lived nearly to twenty 

outliving them might mean a next kitten outliving him and left to someone elses care 

he wouldnt do that to either animal the kitten or the caretakerfuck no 

                                                                               he would definitely miss their chasing

You ain’t saying?

clown  he had a three-ring circus living inside his head but he was grateful the majority of them werent pricks

figured clowny was outanabout stretching his legs when he heard the kittens flying through the house they piqued his notorious short-lived interest 

Yaknow he said to clowny  Curiosity killed the cat

Clever. Real clever. But we all know you’re clever.

I didnt know you were a pain in the ass anthat me saying after the kittens crunched my nuts  Awgh didn’t see that coming  Ya recognised I didnt open my eyes either From sleep to sudden consciousness I think deserves some kind of pronouncement Didnt see that coming was at once witty and funny An I say so 

                                                                                     If you slept an I dont know if youse sleep I like to think you hang by your heels like bats if you do but I digress If you do sleep I dont think if your nuts were punched that youd wake with a pronouncement

                                                         But you can tell me if Im wrong As I said  I dont know

Cat got yer tongue

 

likely clownys short-term interest had expired 

a cop was writing a parking ticket

the space-meter was RED 

time expired

 

too bad 

early AM,  Sunday,  18  10. 20

1239,  Sunnyday,  18  10. 20

John Mayall  Ready to Ride  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWMKPDerZD4

 

he looked at the clock almost 9PM  felt like hed been awake foreverhe woke at 10 he didntcouldnt shut downgo to bed til nearly 3 

            WIRED though when he got that way he knew he had to feed the creep  feed it despite knowing it was insatiable

it craved his destitution annihilation it didnt want to acknowledge him  it wanted to ride the coattailsthe slipstream of something akin to the 60s fantasy Mission: Impossible disavow any knowledge of you or your team should you be captured or killed

                  which always twisted himmade him pause  disgusted him why the fuck would anyone wanna work for an organisation that wouldnt recognise his or his teams value to it wouldnt recognise they existed

though as he said  it was fantasy

 

but fantasy doesnt rap at your door

                                       Hiya. I'm Mariah. I have it on authority I’m your daughter.

Authority

           from where did that authority descend  hed been a sperm donor  inside a clinic and out 

a vial of sperm or an ejaculate didnt make anyone a father

Hiya! 

       an old girlfriend reaches out  an old roommate connects saying hes been looking him for years  Crazy, man, given these times that you've been able to fly under the radar for so long. 

                                                                              apparently not low enough

his old girlfriend was appreciated 

old roommate  could ID him as a party associated with three  yahthree   he remembered  three criminal adventures in Miami

maybe he should have shotgunned him in the Everglades but it was birdshot 20gauge  he still had a few pellets in his calf  three worked themselves out like deep slivers incurred working construction it was really nice when they expressed pushed themselves up out of his fleshnice to lose their irritation 

then another rap at the door a detective a dick digging into a cold case they were working a new angle

that body hadnt any angles left  call it mulch all these years later

novel coronavirus presented too many people with too much time on their hands  

they were defying the natural order of things 

                                                 and he wasnt having any part of it

he sent Babygirl packing he wasnt submitting to a DNA test You can blow me  he wouldnt have minded  she seemed mildly interested  that freakness could easily have been him

the old girlfriend a pleasant surprise

the college roommate 

                       he deflected and differed Nah  Cant say I remember   it worked for politicians

the fresh young dick hed have to make his name elsewhere 

                                                                I can tell ya he was a prick I can tell ya I wanted him to catch his I can tell ya I havent missed his sorry ass a bit I can tell ya if he met his end I hope it was administered cruelly 

        But thats all I can tell ya    

                                           

his past for whatever reasons presented itself in people he willingly let go of  left behind 

he didnt think he was particularly interesting

they seemed to think otherwise 

2057,  Saturday,  17  10. 20

Don McLean  American Pie  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX_TFkut1PM

NO.

            cold    bullet-pointed  NO.

Pretty fuckin adamant  Why

Tacky.

Tacky

They’re tacky; you have a disturbing sense of tacky.

Tacky

You have no tast . . 

. . An you do

 

I do. 

       Who dresses you for the office, for work?

You

Why?

Because frankly I dont give a fuck about dress shirt ties slacks belts an shoes

But you'll admit you have to follow a prescribed, an expected dress code, business attire, make an appearance.

Appears so  Business is appearance  smoke and mirror an so much horseshit

Helps pay our bills.

It do  No argument there  The argument appears your unrelenting adamancy to me having three plastic pink flamingos in the backyard 

                The fuckin backyard  I aint asking to post them up in the frontyard 

                                                                                        Not like Im striking a burning K K K cross yaknow

You're always so hyperbolic, Joe.

When something smacks of ridiculous hyperbole is fitting an appropriate Whats your hard-on about

My hard-on?

Aint being hyperbolic

My hard-on? My har . .

. . Spit it out quick girl looks like you got a mouth full of shit

To my mind, decorative pink flamingos are white trash.   There.  I said it.

Ansomehow  ya think white trash might hurt my feelings

I think people other than white trash enjoy the  the    how to say this  the frivolitythe playfulness of comic-looking avians 

        You like clowns  I think theyre beasts  I dont knock you or attack your taste in thingswe like what we like  You think of a time I ridiculed  anything  youve enjoyedyouve taken pleasure in

But maybe thats a womans prerogative

A woman’s prerogative?

Yes

To change her mind?

 

To be a bitch

 

 

he conceded

                  that year for his birthday she conceded  she bought him a flamboyance of glass pink flamingo swizzle sticks 

 

2320,  Friday,  16  10. 20

1512,  Saturday,  17  10. 20

Stones  Can’t You Hear Me Knocking  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWE6LPCs4ns