he overstayed his welcome againgot caught up in his physical fantasy  amniotic floating   turning and twisting  obscene buoyance   flying underwater

                                            he was forever overcome by its liquid beauty and freedom  Freedumb his lungs cautioned  they rapped him on his shoulder and signaled UP with their thumb  UP or drown idiot

he tried pushing up off the bottom it was hapless he couldnt purchase terra firma  the soft sandybottom shifted and slipped underfoot he glanced two quick strokes  a clump of dead coral  one foots worth  crouch purchase push rocket rise

       lucky     

he broke surface as his eyes sparkled blacknesshis ears were dumb filled with seawater  even they gasped for air

on the beach  he saw Jenny

she was calling to her son who was inside of where he was  closer to the shore

something towsomething toe  something  something   nothing  he wasnt processing anything except trying to fill his lungs sputtering seawater blowing spray  sucking at the air like it was a tit  coughingchoking  air saltwater  air  saltwa  air sal   air   air    Air aahfuck  When we burn pay attention to us his lungs cried

                                                                                                      You asshole

he cleared his throat hawked phlegm

he could feel the sea pulled at his legs  Come  Lets play some more

Ha

she was built she was difficult to ignore  Come play with me

Maybe later he yelled or at least thats what he thought he cried his hearing was still muffledstill filled with her  she spoke directly to his brain  she curled like a happy snail in the wraps and coils the living coral of his brain she moved in when he was only a boy she should have been ashamed of herself having her way with him but it was so wonderful someone had to be stupid to deny themselves pleasure a childs pleasure  why adults adoltswhatever thought pleasure was theirs alone confounded him

                                                               aahpleasure

Jenny

somethingtow toe somethingtoe tow 

Wha

     wha       he was still rockedstill reeling

he liked toes he liked Jennys toes feet he hadnt paid much attention to them before she had long toes long feet  elegant arches    Zion would be jealous

                                                      toe  toes

he had recovered enough to swim in

Jenny was with her boy

she was roughly toweling him dry

he was unhappy with his mother

she was unhappy with him

she pulled the towel down around his shoulders and let loose of it

it hung like a cape

wearing it he stomped over to another beach towel he laid on the sand near a driftwood log and squatted like an Indian

he looked out at the sea

swimming up to the beach he found his legshis footing and walked out of the water off the wet sand onto the dry hot sand hot he was grateful for its burning it reminded him of his lungs and he thought maybe it might reinforced their heattheir desperation  maybe the next time hed pay attention to them   

that was a mighty big bet 

Jenny

Not now, please. You didn’t see him swimming out after you.

he wasnt going to play volley with her  question  statement  statement  question  toe or tow  tow toe

he wasnt dumb tow  undertow   she cried to her son about undertow

No I wasnt aware he followed me As I told you I was going for a swim

He followed you.

Had I known I would have come back  Hes not big enough yet lowering his voice so the boy wouldnt hear him  Im going to have a word with him

she could twist  a statement a question

he walked over to the boy  Bryan

Yes.

This is a fine beach fine water

Yes.

I apologise I didnt know that you followed me out Had I known I wouldntve let you The sea can be treacherous Do you understand what treacherous means

I do.

Good It can be life threatening  If you keep up your swimming then next year we can swim together in the deep water

Id like to  then quietly The sea is really so very, very beautiful.

Yes She is very beautiful   A distinct pleasure

2315,  Friday,  12  10. 18

1206,  Twosday,  23  10. 18

Mama   

Dada    
         Whaddup widdat

she nearly glared nearlyglared  but her baby took her off her game You kidding me?

Im not kiddin Yawanna tell me why chillen particularly baby grrls no matter how much time you spend with them inevitably say Dada first  An dont tell me you arent working her over MA MA  MA MA  MAMA I get it  youre putting in the hard timethe hard time it takes to communicate with an infant whos only ability to communicate their discomfort displeasure is with their mews sounds and cries body language It takes time to develop an ear an eye learn their language And sometimes patience aint easy particularly when theyre frustrating you  But you frustrate them  Get used to that

How would you know that?

Im the oldest of nine have sixtysix cousins most of whom are younger than me I changed diapers when I was five  you might not remember when diapers were made of cloth and babypinned My youngest was at the tailend of that The last few months of her toiletry we used throwaway diapers Although I had misgivings I felt guiltyfelt like I was cheating

So you know.

I do

My husband isn’t as enlightened as you.

Enlightened How very kindvery diplomatic of you However youre preachin to the choir  Id say lazy Enlightened hasnt a damn thing to do with it Babies aint womens work Babies are a partnership twentyfour seven until they leave home  Youre obliged You cant meet that obligation dont have a baby Having babies dont make a boy a man or a girl a woman Babies dont cement crumbling relationships

Huh, really knocking it out of the park, aren’t you?

No I think you agree But given the look you gave me earlier Im still be interested in your take on Mama and Dada

You are?

I am

It’s really quite simple. When I tell you’ll probably be surprised that you know, just hadn’t thought it through. It makes all the sense in the world.

Im excited Lay it on me

Dada is a simple sound. It’s all tongue. No talent. Mama requires lip movement, which, if you think about it, the mechanisms for speaking and language is harder, a more refined deliberation, a difficult manipulation for a child to mouth.

he silently mouthed dada and mama checking out her premise  Damn Ill be a sonofabitch  Bingo  Youre right

I don’t blow hot air.

I think Ill leave that alone We just met

she had a sense of humour  she laughed

he watched her leave the room with her daughter
                                                     but he couldnt shakecouldnt stop imagining mouth manipulations

2252,  Friday,  12  10. 18

1244,  Monday,  22  10. 18

Curtis Mayfield  Think  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2nbQ-wWQ6o

“Murakami’s fourteen novel (Killing Commendatore) feels almost like a debut – it is loquacious and digressive, making itself up as it goes along.”

                           commendatore: a member of an Italian honorary order of chivalry – tell me the last time you read chivalry in a sentence 

he wasnt impressed with the review  life is a matter of “making itself as it goes along”

put a pen to a page and scribble an soon youll discover where you thought you were going is enigmatic a poke in a pigs eye an a pigs eye is hard to hit  its notoriously small  so your aim must be implausibly keen anif you end up where you thought you were going then youre one tightass sonofabitch  who likes sonsofbitches or would like where they might lead you  taking you their entire route without exploring along the waylooking neither left or rightblinders strapped tight an not impossible to imagine strapped tight with a chastity belt no woman would be fond or man either equality baby! speaking for men he would absolutely deplore one  although hed be curious  hed like to see a masculine chastity belt see its lockworks see its elaborate metalworked key hanging from a gold chain between its holders breasts (now if you think I got here because I planned it – youd be out of your muthafucking mind)

but I DIGRESS

1132,  Sunday,  21  10. 18

1046,  Monday,  22  10. 18

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/oct/17/killing-commendatore-by-haruki-murakami-review?utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Bookmarks+-+Collections+2017&utm_term=288143&subid=23491685&CMP=bookmarks_collection

hes an experienced manmade child

                                   hmm   he didnt know if that was a compliment or not  particularly on the heels of him learning about a sentient android a gynoid co-teaching a liberal arts course at West Point liberal arts at a war college like stuffing a square peg in a round holeisnt it a photograph accompanied the article  BINA48 a dark-complexed sweptback blondehaired female a gynoid why were androids made to look female  STOPstop BINA had to bejust had to be an acronym  it was  he checked  Breakthrough Intelligence via Neural Architecture 48 he couldnt find an explanation what Neural Architecture 48 was probably a fancy name for the algorithm designed by engineers who hadnt the time to explore or investigate or halt their program when IT did something it wasnt programmed to do Oh! That’s interesting. Just a bug in the system, a glitch, the result of cosmic rays, or perhaps the environment it run in. OH like a cancer cell which could metastiSIZE  No. That kind of thinking wouldn’t be constructive. As a forensic study to determine why your algorithm didnt do what you engineered it to do wouldnt be constructive  Who has that kind of time? I think if your algorithm killed someone you shouldnt have plausible deniability  Yet its seems these days things are tortured to create plausible deniability for the precise endproduct to elude responsibility LOOK OVER THERE!

                                                                                                 the engineers quit talking

busy he could suppose

though he was taught actions speak louder than words       

to his confrontational mind silence acquiesced to the proposition set forth

if he disagreed with someone unfortunately he rudely interrupted them  he had to let them know immediately he disagreed with them

and if that offended them

then too fucking bad

Deal with it

an experienced manmade child versus a manmade programmed-experienced robot

flesh and blood versus latex and carbon-based circuitry                 

texted to self  :  0349,  Friday,  19  10. 18

1616,  Sunday,  21  10. 18

https://www.axios.com/robot-ai-teaching-college-course-at-west-point-98ce5888-873b-4b72-8de5-0f7c592d66b0.html

https://towardsdatascience.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-automl-and-neural-architecture-search-8db1863682bf

https://www.quora.com/Can-a-computer-do-something-it-is-not-programmed-to-do

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0167577X1831406X

The Saudis admit Jamal Khashoggi died in their consulate in Turkey when a brawl broke out between him and apparently some of the fifteen men sent to meet him

then they tried to conceal what happened  with a bone saw 

so it must have been a premeditated brawl

he thought it is harder to disappear someone than it sounds  and perhaps that the Saudis werent familiar with John Donne: No man is an Iland, intire of itselfe; every man / is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine . .

https://www.spa.gov.sa/viewfullstory.php?lang=en&newsid=1830331#1830331

                                                                          published 18 days later

if he wasnt mistaken  fifteen Saudis were also involved in September 11

1124,  Saturday,  20  10. 18

When I ruled the world . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf8dy_Z_efU

thats been awhile

                        nine ten weeks  definitely not the last sevennot the last seven weeks

but whos counting

why count

why couldnt it just be like today when he took a sip of water from the drinking fountain at the gym and walked home reading Saenzs Dark and Perfect Angels and as he walked up the drive he surprised himself when he swallowed the water  that he hadnt earlier that he didnt pay any attention to his mouth full of water

                                                                                           and swallowing it it might as well have been a bucket of water thrown in his face to revive him  he thought its seven weeks  seven weeks to the day

his two angels were dead now  he knew they were his angels when they first met in a hospital room over him  

since then whenever they were together they were usually to either side of him

when his wife died he went lopsided his sister said I can help, but I can’t carry you but for a little while. You’ll have to stand on your own.

he told her he needed her arm needed it for a little bit so he could be stable  not fall or shuffle

Thank you so much he said 

You’re welcome. You know I’m here.

If I were blind Id know you were with me

and now shes dead  shes dead exactly seven weeks but whos counting

right now he needed to count

                             seven weeks fortynine days almost 1200 hours he knew that was 1176 hours then adding the hours from 0244 almost eleven hours  almost 1187 hours  right now

he needed to count

                    and he knew hed be counting for many weeks to comeprobably months to come

he was coping

everyone had their way of coping 

he counted

its hard to negotiate life when it gave you two angels and now has taken them away

                 

he supposed he never ruled the world alone

2307,  Friday,  12  10. 18

1532,  Friday,  19  10. 18

Coldplay

No.

Youre so cut an dry . .

. . No

Jeez babe

I know you know when a girl say no she means no. No. I won't.

Im tellin yagiven the limitations youve explained to me and that you need to ingest protein it is a plausible option

It is not.

But it is

Because you do itcan do it, doesn’t mean that I can.  Besides, it’s like you to be contrary . .

. . Im not

You are, sweetheart, you always have been; you’re contrary and you’re contrary to provoke and contrast and confrontYES it is your personality, but you have to admit if you aren’t contrary it is a kind or a strain of contrary that you are.

You make it sound like a disease

Ah, but what a beautiful dis-ease you are.

Youre sweetso kind  But youre mistaken

Mistaken?  Am I?

You are

How?

I believe the mistake is in your pronunciation

My pronunciation.

Yes

Yawanna clue me in?

I thought youd never ask

So?

I believe what you mean to say is that I am au contraire  A bit more nasally But you got the nose and if anyone can pull off nasal its you

Man, you’re a pistol.

I am au contraire Im drawn to the con- part I close my eyes and flashcards spring before them au contraire conquest cunt condemn conceive concept cannon condiment cum ceci bon cheatin a little there  con-  convict  I certainly dont lack conviction

OhferChristssake, open your eyes. I’m your sister . .

. . And youve heard all this before

I have, but not in such stark terms. But that’s who you are. And why I love you so much.

Then you know I love you and I wouldnt suggest anything unless I thought there might be a benefit  Anya need protein  Wont you please consider it

I can’t, I just can’t. I don’t know how you do it. Although, I can remember in Rocky, you remember you took me to the movies to see it with you?

Yes  I wasnt seeing anyone and I certainly wanted to share it with someone I cared for It was so much nicer I could share it with someone I love

Oh, you’re so charming.

Ya pickin your panties up off the floor

MyGod, I’m your sister!

Youre still a woman

You’re unbelievable! Unbelievable.   Anyway, back to my story.

Rocky

Yes. I’ll never forget the scene and more so I’ll never forget the incredulity on your face, your utter amazement, you looking around the theatre, even unseating yourself so you could look onehundredaneighty degrees behind you to confirm that everyone but you was aghast. Me included. The wonderment on your face was choice. I’ll never forget it. Never. I have to admit it is one of my most precious memories about you, and you’ve given me so many memories. I’ve forgotten some, but some are indelibly imprinted on my brain. I adore you.

Youre sweet but this is where you say But

Yes. I will.  I can’t forget how shocked you were; you were probably the only person in the movie who didn’t groan, or wretch, you were confused, because what you saw on screen was nothing you'd groan about, nothing you weren’t enjoying. You were confounded . .

. . Another con- baby  confounding . .

. . You’re welcome . .

. . Thank you

You were confounded to learn that you were one of hundreds, maybe one of thousands, maybe one in a million who wasn’t disturbed by Rocky guzzling a dozen raw eggs. But, as you said was coming, but I’m not going to. I won’t. I know you know. I complain bitterly about your loose eggs when we’ve had breakfast together – Make em shake while you walk, you tell waitresses – and you complain about my dry, well-done eggs, my omelets, my once-over eggs.

Nope. Not in this life. I’m not eating eggs raw.

she was good to her word

her third bout of cancer second ovarian cancer three over ten years was finally a bridge too far

but MyGawd she was a warrior

1552,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  17  10. 18

he didnt think for a moment that it was impossible that spiders or insects butterflies birds fish or animals couldnt ghost

the line stuck with him through the day that he wrote it and into the next day  and the day after                                                                           

he didnt think he was obsessing

                                               and if he was

so what

after lifting he treated himself to a dry sauna 

it was like a cold red cherry on top a sundae 

to take a sauna incentivised him to lift he used to use a whirlpool as an incentive but the astringent chlorine smell overcame and wearied him  the hot cedar smell was appealingit reminded him of the contiguous Forest Preserves near his boyhood home the hot summers the smell of the hot trees the sound of the wind through their crowns the branches stickling the strong musk of the cool fallen leaves layered year after year  the smell of time past the quivering ribbons of sunlight and shadows bird calls anointing the present  the curious wonderingthe future teasing

when he went to leave on his bike his mother came to the back door and through the screen said  Don’t you go into the woods. It’s not safe there.

Yes  is all he said he could agree it might not be safe

                                                       then nimbly he stepped on the raised pedal rolling the bike forward threw his leg over the seat went up the cobbled pathveered onto the driveway and sped away

and free

           he never bothered with the crushed leaves in the cuffs of his pants the crumbled leaves clinging to his thighs to the back of his shirt he didnt bother because he wore the smell of the forest in his hair and on his skin

if his mother asked he wouldnt lie she did the laundry he couldnt fool her he wouldnt try

so it was their little ritual  she cared   he cared that she cared   

however he had little sisters and brothers

they were also her responsibility 

once his paper route was done and he brought the laundry down from the upstairs bathroom to the laundry tub and wringer in the basement and he made sure his siblings had breakfast and he did the dishes and he made sure they were dressed and that they had something before them to keep themselves occupied or they were playing together nicely 

          he was free

once inside the sauna he closed his eyes let the heat envelope him and beginning to sweat he let go of his mind  

there he entertained his notion of animals ghosting in the back of his mind he played the times he heard his roommates banging the kitchen cupboard doors he saw himself get up out of bed go up the hall and enter the empty kitchen  FerChristssake he barked yawanna keep it down people are trying to sleep

people ghost he couldntwouldnt deny that any animal butterfly bug bird fish also had the ability to ghost and their sheer numberswhich made him smile sardonically wryly  their sheer astronomical numbers improved their odds and that they had been alive on the planet long before the first hominid staggered to her feet and stood upright

                                                                                                                what a trip

sweat dripped off him

he guessed he had another fifteen minutes

he step down off the bench and went to the plexiglass vertical panel and looked at the clock outside seventeen minutes  he was close
             he could smell time on him 

he returned to the high bench and sat down sighed 

he closed his eyes again

a snort echoed dull inside the cedared saunahis eyes popped opento his right on the lower bench sat an animal a creature a minotaur a buffalo head  asif a buffalo were made human

snort No. snort Don’t be startled. You've imagined as much said the buffalo. I have come to tell you we agree with you.

Agree  he was perplexed what did the buffalo agree with him about

Your mind, your agitation is obvious. We feel it, we can read it.

                                                                 just moments before the buffalo appeared he was wondering with disgust how the United States Secretary of the Interiorwho was anything but a steward or guardian of public lands hed say sacred lands was that day assembling corporate heads and other government officials to meet at an undisclosed location in Yellowstone to discuss financing and how to best enable energy companies access to the land

he pressed his back against the hot wall to avoid his horns as the ghost buffalo shook his shaggy head

when he recognised his protective posturehis arms crossed before his chest the buffalo said I’m sorry, excuse me, I am as upset as you are.

Yes  but it seems apparent to me that more Americans than not disagree with the Secretarys judgment  Yet somehow that is excluded from the argument  It seems despite our demonstrations that they will do as they believe they canthat they were duly confirmed to perform these tasks The President is behind this noxious idea So damn future generations Everything changes Why shouldnt our natural resources be mined despite them being our American Wonders

and Right

the buffalo snorted againthough more violently he turned his shaggy head and looked him directly in the eyes Do you believe I’m sitting here with you?

I do

Good.  Believe your eyes.  I must assembly the herd.

then as they looked deeply into the others eyes the buffalo began to fadebecome indistinct vaporous a soft mist then he sifted into nothingness

the evening newspapers reported that the assembly the Interior Secretary had convened in Yellowstone were all dead 

the horses they rode into the park on had returned alone late afternoon to their stables arousing suspicion

a party was sent out to locate the men

it appears they were trampled to death 

trampled to death beneath cloven hooves

it was reported that for hundreds of yards to the West of where the men were found the field was gouged and broken ripped into clods the bodies were gruesomely devastated  dismembered  

yet  beyond where the ghastly remains were found the field surrounding it in all other directions were unscathed  

they died figuratively as a period a punctuation mark at the end of a long-winded run-on sentence

1440, Monday,  15  10. 18

1314,  Twosday,  16  10. 18

Gaye Su Akyol  Çok Mutlusu  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KmfRyrOX50 

Ruhun Ölmüş Senin  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SNoGld-P5M