17.5.18


seemingly all his life he worked with characters 
(I gotta be me I gotta be me  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH-pk2vZG2M)

Man were they ever
                     the newspaper overseer of the delivery boys he worked for was convicted of statutory rape he confessed to be a paedophile he was also convicted of other chargesanything the law could pile on him that would somehow make his newspaper superiors themselves the cops men in particular feel better about his twenty-plus years of employmenthis unfettered movement throughout the community  and the diddling  just when he thought the Church had cornered the market

he was a teenager when he hit him up for beer and liquor because he could but he was always able to dance outside his arms length and took off before things got warm Comon, stay awhile longer. No Gotta go it taught him that thats what its like to be a woman all the fucking time curioushuh that the overseers crime was his education  it taught him more than his parents triedhis teachers tried to teach him  Life could be a fucking sensational educator if your head didnt get turned too far around

he had a boss as a teenager who he roofed six years for that was an adamant John Bircher  Bill  a wiry spindly guy with rheumy pale blue eyes  he taught him about leverage  he learned you could randomly shoot a man in the facekill him  and unless you were eyeballed in the act likely youd get away with it because there was nothing to tie you to the dead mannot what the cops called reasonable suspicionor was it probable cause  no matter   cause and effect

Bill asked  Who randomly shoots people in the face?

Sounds like maybe you have

Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do to get to tomorrow. Ya’ve never had to make ends meet, it wasn’t easy in those days, ya did what ya had to do. Dog eat dog. Dem or ya. Was no brainer.

when Bill heard the house he lived during the Twenties and Thirties was being razed they hotfooted it over early one evening ignored the No Trespassing signs slipped the flimsy warning tapes strung around it like garland aside and went in  it was off North Halsted  A dago neighborhood then, he said, me and mine, we stuck out like a sore thumbs, however we was known as trustworthy people. That's how the mob underlings heard of us. They asked if we could use work. Ah, what the hell. At its heart the mob’s a business, savvy sons of bitches, not stupid. I wasn’t stupid. And I was loyal.

inside the dilapidated house Bill triggered a hidden wire that opened a secreted panel under the front stairs revealing a small room  This is where my mother and me made gin. I ran it up to Wisconsin, beat ass back, and turned over the proceeds, like that, proceeds, lot of lettuce, to the muscle that fronted us. They gave us a respectable return, not a lot, not for the risk, but a helluva lot more than most in the neighborhood were making. Crime pays, boy. Don’t believe any bastard who'll tell you otherwise.

Leverage, Bill said, it’s all about leverage.

he cut the lawn edged the sidewalks raked the leaves shoveled the snow for an eccentric world-renown artist painter who spent days in a studio he built for himself at the back of the lot he owned beside his house

his wife prepared him meals and left them outside the door rapped once on it and left  like room service

getting on his knees so that he was looking him straight in the eyes he told him Never respect anyone who doesn’t respect you, respecting your elders is a load of crap, it’s a two-way street. Remembered that.

he did

in Miami he tied up with a gal who worked for a dealer and helped her move grass and hashishGawddamn he loved hashish she was sweet on him she thought sharing the inside track with him would get him into the sack he didnt want any commitments  So if you won’t fuck me, can I go down on you? momma didnt raise no fool

when the cops started sniffing aroundevery good thing comes to an end know that he got the cut-rate buy on hash that hed been setting up for nearly a year and left the profitable business with a quarterpound thatd be 113.398 grams a whole lotta hash he made damn sure it was exactbusted it out on the scale he used at the university borrowed it from the chemistry lab

Moroccan hash he tweaked the buyerspecifically through the grapevine wha the fuck was that she couldnt help herself she told him the cat dug Burroughs he laid word on him from afar that Bill also toked Moroccan in TangierDuh though frankly it also made him feel closer to the freak who wrote Junky Naked Lunch an on an on something he knew emphatically that he shared with the cat he never saw but the cat never saw him either mutually anonymous

so like Junky Naked Lunch an on an on characters woven their way through his life BING! BING! BING! BING! latest catch was Alexis a real free-spirit pincushion for a face tatted sleeves  elsewhere he was confident nipple barbells on display through her selection of thin tshirts wha the fuck was that

Alexis was having an offday he was told or she was stoned which didnt bother him they were coworkers at a liquorstore that provided for functioning alcoholics she broke a bottle of Maraschino cherries her third that day he was told so he motioned her off the floorRun the cash register hed clean up the mess not that eight ounces of cherries was a mess

later when she approached himthanking him for cleaning up after her he laughed  You shouldnt thank me

I shouldn’t thank you?

No Im afraid I hung you out to dry

Hung me out to dry?

I did

How did you hang me out to dry? doesn’t make sense.

I told them in back when they asked what I was doing with the bucket and mop that I was helping you

You did help me.

I told them that you broke a cherry on the floor in the middle of the store Youre my new hero
NO!

Yes Now try an live that down Alexis Yous now a.k.a. Bustacherry


Thursday evening,  10  5. 18
1303,  Thursday,  17  5. 18

16.5.18



Aw comon  my futures behind me


he hustled his demise alongfueling it with high-octane booze  quaffing
swilling
sucking
         choosing the particular verb pejorative to offend                                                                     
much of his offense was dependent upon his mood at the moment  against the misfit who noted discerned his alcoholism and felt it was their place to say something

he thanked them for their exceptional powers of observationtheir keen abilities to state the obvious 

then hed say they were fat or perhaps they ought to have that mole removed refresh their haircolour recinch their old facelift  pick their tits up 


he had been known to let a fish slipthough not frequently  only when as he explained it a warm spasm of compassion oozed in from wherever compassion leaked
damn if he knew                                       

he forgave more insects than human beings They ought to know better and keep their ugly pieholes shut 

whenever he forgave someone he felt tainted  unclean
hed finger his fathers revolver and wonder if that day wasnt the day when hed taste the hard oiled muzzle pressed to the roof of his mouth  slaver   and never hear the gunshot 

his father a soldier who fought in Korea attested to that silence 

his father told him when he was wounded by a machine gun during an attack it sounded burrr - - - rrp  one –  smashed his knee the other two flensed his thigh and turned it into a voluptuous flowerpetal of unfurled meat 

his old man had a way with words

crippled his father returned to the United States and worked as a desk jockey  a far cry the high freedom he enjoyed as a steelworker  

as a boy and a teenager he vowed hed nevernever be stuck like his old man

turned out his suicide was the only thing that made them different        



Man the tedium is overbearing  Nothing bigs gonna happen to me My big is when I die  I find it curiousthis wait an see to see how it will eventually play out 

I may or may not have a hand in it

If I do  thats my rightyah

My lifemy right


he knew him since they were boys since they met in Cub Scouts  

he followed him into bad fights outnumbered  but he followed him too into bad fightsthough fewer  they had one anothers back
               and having his back was also letting him have his way and own mind respecting him  respecting him despite the booze and the drugs  

he only hurt himself

the other hurtshis hurt was peripheral 


he married once 

it went bad inside of three years but hung on life support nearly twenty
they had love

their love didnt provide kids
it wasnt that kind of love

they believed their lovetheir bond that cobbled them together would holdit would eventually rear its head and correct what was wrong between them

but it was all wrong


when it didnt heal and they split he didnt inflict himself on another marriage
unlike his ex

her failures cemented in his mind that he wasnt the majority holder of their failed marriage

he said after his divorce that he was a born-again bachelor
it was funny

he was funny

and desperate

a drunk
         druggie




when the gun went off they didnt hear it 

he said if it did he wanted him to understand that it was a starting pistol  not a suicide
An theyre off!
 
                  
 
1919,  Monday,  14 5. 18
1029,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  5. 18

15.5.18

I need you



If we have nothing to talk about   why are we still talking



he could suppose any number of questions might have surfaced while he was on a long car ride without a working entertainment console radio or cassettethe technology when the car was brand spanking new she had fourhundredthousand miles on her now a rebuilt engine she had everything he wanted in a vehicle that was to say none of the horrendous technology she was never ever going to drive herself or be tracked by GPS


any number of questions did presentWells Fargo begging for forgiveness on billboards re-committing to their customers FUCK YOU try this hat on for size your partner cheats on you with every Tom Dick or Harry Sue Jane or Sally  an you  without a stick of dignity or selfworth stay in the relationship hed be Adios Mumuchachu  his partner did not care for his Spanish The word doesn’t exist. It does John One One  In the Beginning was the Word I made it up  Finish it. You can finnish it I slavicked it I wiped its alternate memory cleanerased the tabula rasa at least that miserable little corner  You don’t think I know it? I know you know it You were infected by your mother  Your father never would haveeven if you werent taken from him
                      
                                           You gonna finish it
I really don’t think I have to.

Aw comon we gotta have something to talk about

she sighed

You sound wearydo I weary . .
. . You exasperate me.

You dont like being exasperated by me anymore  

I don't know if exasperated cuts it. You’re unlike, as I've told you before, anyone I’ve ever known or I’m likely to know.

I think  again you underestimate yourselfchronically underestimate underrate yourselfyour possibilities

I should see me through your eyes?

You should though you never willWell always see ourselves as we see ourselves Your selfworth has been maliciously selfishly attacked since you were a little girl Mould a cigar it cant change its shape A human being can 


then he remembers why

                          when he thinks If we have nothing to talk about why are we still talking he remembers he irrevocably put the reins in her hands and avowed that he would support herhe would love her without conditions




Youre gonna finish out John for mecorrect

she smiled Yes. Of course I am. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Goddamn Nailed it

You’re . .
. . Irredeemable
that made her laugh open mouthed Irredeemable, yes. Irascible. Irritating. Passionate. Crazy. Invigorating. Encouraging. Right. Rightrightrightright. I need you. I just don’t want youI need you.


You love me

I do.


I love you

I suppose were stuck

We are. We’re stuck. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with anyone but you.


An that answers why If we have nothing to talk about  why are we still talking



early Thursday evening,  10  5. 18
1023,  Monday,  14  5. 18

14.5.18


a massacre of Palestinians by Israelis went hand-in-hand with the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem today  heathen blood sanctifying it and its hard not to love easily-spilt blood so unrelated to our Christian mainstay mainsail ur-masculine backbone 

Drumpfs handpicked Texas evangelist offered a prayer at its Opening  he cuddles with Christian Zionists whose prophesy needs a multitude of dead Jews in Jerusalem to salt their Armageddon

1715,  Monday,  14 5. 18
982 days remaining or less





it bothered him years agoraised hackles 

it bothers him now


it was yet another critical item sluffed off to American corporations for-profit which destabilise the country  the governmentits politiciansever more selfserving ever more corrupt handing over their Constitutional authority and responsibility to safeguard the countrys communal health and welfare       
then
     as they were first becoming prevalent or vogue when people glommed onto a particular water  acquiesced to its absurd advertising sheep then worse the attendantalways attendant their ohso human unfortunately spiraling attitudes unstatedof course demonstrated in their carriage the queer glint in their eye I am better than you a rising haughtiness asinine  which for him was like negotiating an infected sliver before he could remove it irritating  galling

No Really  I am better than you

                                 their betterment bestowed by a plastic bottle of water
then
     came the markets that attended to the necessity of individualised containers becauseof course no two were alike ahHORSESHIT  

Yeh  particular water stored in particular bottles hydroflasks manyif not all  branded


water 

segregation   
            couldnt sip it from a public water fountain he still did  he still drank tap water once upon a time it was racial crap insisted by Whitey now its the inordinate concern not only what someone might HAVE who sipped from the fountain before you but also that public water is suspect
Can you say FLINT MICHIGAN

Can you say Governor Rick Synder SAY his handpicked Emergency Managers usurped seized legal authority from locally elected officials City Counsels  violated  and in some cases poisoned them



that America continues to seek to privatise itself for the extreme monetary benefit of the very few makes him sick

Free Market could take it up the ass its about timethe American People have been taking it for the better part of his adult life

Isnt it about time
                     

it seems however that anyone who has a genuine notion to ride roughshod on them somehow later has a price


1907,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  9  5. 18
1023,  Thursday,  10  5. 18
Tea for the Tillerman  Cat Stevens  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8raDiB1DPQ

13.5.18



Jill  the blonde healthclub bombshell 60sJoeyHeathertonesque Bardotlips matureMonroecool admitted blithely somewhat embarrassed to his query that she did not sip tequila for Cinco de Mayo or nosh Mexican fare

Wha

I’m terrible, aren’t I?

you never let a fish off the hook  You are

You’re not going to give me any slack, are you?

she must not ever have fished No I gotcha Id like to hear why not After all it is a quintessential California celebration if not wholly an American one

Yes. You have a point.

Point and shoot baby    And

And . . . If I drink tequila I go crazy, like some people on whisky, not violent, just a little out of my head.

Sounds terribly appealing to me  a lost opportunity   opportunities


You’re sweet.

Mebbe

she laughed soft music flowing from her throat

You celebrated
I did.

And    Quit make me pulling teeth  I can be adept at it

I did! I did.  I um sipped X-Rated.  You know X-Rated?



I know X-Rated  Its pink

It is.

I work at a liquorstore  We keep it behind glass

Yes, why do you do that? It’s, what, twentyfive twentysix dollars. It’s not expensive.

Thats not the point

It isn’t?

No  The point is that youll have to ask to have the case opened to get to it We like exposing X-Raters Hang you out to dry For what you are


No.  

You’re teasing me.

Im teasing youyou brought up x-rated How is it youre not the tease

What?


Yes


If I was going to tease you . .
. . This is better than I could ever have hoped for  Imagine  It all began to step up my workmans comp  Suddenly Im up to my eyeballs in x-rated  with a beautiful woman   I should be so lucky

she blushed
The colour looks good on you  rosehue against your blondeness   an I rarely notice blondes


Thank you.

Thank you  Evidently talk of x-rated is good for the circulationIm definitely circulating

Ohmygoodness.

No  My goodness
Though Id share
Im not greedy



her wide eyes and expression made up nicely for her silence

could be the beginning of a beautiful thing



1055,  Monday,  7  5. 18
1012,  Twosday,  8  5. 18

11.5.18


makingabreak   now you see me
                                               awh now you dont
it wasnt me
nope
       it wasnt me   sssh  I hired a doppelganger

0014,  Reggae Friday,  11  5. 18

10.5.18


he showered lathered slipped off his gym workout  TIME for work
TIME to put on his game face

he went out the front door confirmed the lamp beside it was lit its halo would light his way when he returned that night

he sat down inside his threehundredthousand mile 4Runnercaught his eyes in its rearview mirror  

scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz looked back at him Good

when he went out he played the part he played him to confirm Scarecrow was still alive and well in Oz his brain and reasoning always innate he just needed to be convinced and encouraged that his considerations mattered

regarding himself he had always known  Scarecrow won his rare compassion   

if that sounds nuts

that he shouldnt have been allowed to believe in the Scarecrow

he had his twocents for the matter
                                    if religious people could be believe in Heavenin Life After Death in the Hereafter then he could damn well believe that the Scarecrow was still singing and dancing thinking obtuse thoughts swinging his whiskdick in Ozthat Peter Pan was still darting madly about Neverland accompanied by Tinkthe Lost Boys No  not the vampires goading Jasper HookCaptain Hooks real name who doesnt want to be known by their real name who by remaining alive goads the crocodile(gator would have rhymed better)       

out as scarecrow he played his part  satirically 

within reach of three rural wine country towns satire played welltickled him pink

customers enjoyed his banter which wasnt as ambivalent as they may have thoughtif they thoughthe liked to think they thought So what’s with your t-shirt? he exaggeratedhe pulled his tshirt out of his pants acted as if he was trying to turn his head upside down to read the writingsee the artwork CURE IGNORANCE he read outloud  hands holding an opened book were beneath the words READ A BOOK he didnt say I donknow Whacha make of it 

nothing killed his interaction at the cash register with a customer quicker than asking them  So what are you reading these days

the Scarecrowhed bet  would talk his ear off
he could


amid the three communities consensus was there were better things to do with their time  Who has time for that?

mebbe the bettermore honest answer was  rather than answering a question with a question that drove him nutsthe not-saying Who wants to make time for that? but then these communities helped the eidget parlay his defamations into a presidency     



he thought Better a scarecrow than a straw man


1313,  Friday,  4  5. 18
1234,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  9  5. 18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frAEmhqdLFs  We Will All Go Together When We Go (certain to piss off the Religious wholl bitch all the whole way) (THEN there were only 3 billion – nearing 7 ½ billion now: https://www.census.gov/popclock/world )

9.5.18


every once in a while  to remember when
                                                 in the shower he lathers his face with soap then opens his eyes wide letting the soap in to burn them

theyll never burn as they did when he was a boy


Keep your eyes shut his grandmother told him in her broken EnglishPolish lilt I should not have to tell youyou’re a big boy, you’re not dense, you know better. Keepkeep your eyes shut so the soap does not get in them. Your eyes burning is your fault. 

they burned

he sobbed

she didnt comfort him

she knew his tears would wash the soap out of his eyes  then the burning would stop



going to bed after bathing his father just returned home from workeating in the kitchen at the table with his mother at his elbow said Whats wrong with your eyes
Your boy can’t keep his eyes shut when I wash his hair and face.

Joe.

Yes Papa

Why don’t you keep your eyes closed?

Because

Because is not an answer, Joe.

You answer me because Papa

That’s different.

I do not see that it is different

Enough. Answer me. Why don’t you keep your eyes closed?


Because 

I know one day when I open them the burn will be a sting and it will not make me cry


the adults looked around at each other  their eyes then returning to him

You know his grandmother said it is okay to cry if something hurts.

Not everything that hurts is worth crying about


they looked back and forth again between themselves 


No his mother said not everything that hurts is worth crying about.

Thats what I think

Why do you think that? his father asked

I dont know  I just think that  

I think that when I hurt and dont crybecause it is not worth crying about  Ill be happier about myself




few things made him cry

if he cried he knew what made him cry was very worthwhile 

he cried unashamedly
                                    

no one could provoke him to shame



1301,  Friday,  4  5. 18
1350,  Twosday,  8  5. 18