he often stood outdoors outside his houseoutside despite all its room
windows flung open because he had it somewhere in his head(it didnt matter how or when the ideation occurred) he had it that men belonged
outside men indoors werent men at all men indoors were the bane of his existencetoo
full of themselves too full of
things he considered luxurious and luxuries were things that werent needed which
bred hard and bad feelings those who
luxuries appealed to were never satisfied they felt their luxuries were absolute
necessities
necessities are necessities
luxuries werent necessities
hence he deduced indoor men werent
necessary
when he found himself inside too long
he
made a break
it
was wise not to be in his way when he broke out
hed
go through someone
unfortunately(for them) he went through a lot of people
because those people werent
observantdidnt have their heads on a swivelsomehow thinking believing they
could be complacent and others would look out for them(his father nearly beat
into him the need for being a defensive driver A car can be a weapon boy
Eyeballs out for the others on the roadThey can kill ya And we
wont be burying a pretty corpse)
when he was afoot breaking out his father might have been correct in
assuming him a weapon too if people couldnt
read his face or feel aHA disturbance in the force as he moved suddenly wellthen
hed bring them into realityinto the Here
and Now
the only fortune in all of his breaking
out was that he purposefully kept himself in small or rural communitiesaway
from urban centersaway from having to curb his predilectionshaving to curb
his head in the horrible sense of gang curbingsChicago curbings broken jaws and
shattered teeththats what you got when you lost a fightgot coldcockedgot
knocked unconscious (maybe getting shot to death was a better
outcome he didnt know he was never dead to be able to say)
a l o n g aside
while standing in the fresh air unencumbered
belonging there outintheopen the sunshine felt like a womans
hands on his body he sipped water to keep his
tongue wet
sipping he thought of the desert
he just returned from a trip to
Arizona
he was passionate about roadtrips
they made up for the one(he was
trying to convince himself) the one he
was denied
and despite himselfhis
mindfuck he was certain those he took
now would never add-up-to or brush up against his trip denied
Denied his life was radically altered
but he figured he wasnt different
from anyone elseeveryone had been denied something that radically changed their
livesIF they truly considered them although
not those lives which turned on answers from The Magick 8-Ball(its an oracle dont doubt it)
standing outside he was easily
and every time reminded when he looked into a treehe loved trees he loved them intuitively every tree reminded him of lifeof his
life of the myriad of possibilities his
life could have been his life was
he admired their trunks then their forks they were his life Either
Or an on an on and then that critical branchthat radical
change and then the branches that
followedthe limbs the shoots the leaves the fruits(if you were a fruit tree)
a tree greenshimmering in a
slight breeze under the tickling fingers of womanly sunlight
their uncounted leaves
each could have been the place where his life ended he was in every tree somewhere
the water wasnt but it tasted bitter
then he was too youngtoo pliable
outside his ken not able to resist the radical change put on him his roadtrip denied
his regret
missing that roadtrip made it a hot
point to assure and encourage his daughters to follow their heads
if they were idiots he wouldnt
have let them
he wanted them to come down in
their lives as near as possible to where they wanted to bewhere they saw themselves
when they imagined their lives unfolding
unfurling like soft green leaves
the treeless desert starkly
reminded him
the desert is a severe beautyan
austere beauty
and quietly disturbed then recognising he missed trees he remembered he was averted he let the aversion happen and it happened because then he was too
set-upon to resist then too
pragmatic really too young to consent(a
reason? an excuse?)
he wasnt unhappy with his life
the alteration didnt kill him
the denied roadtrip gave him
unexpected experiences it gave him people he cherished and those he loved
but thered always be that
impossible itch to scratch
1338, Saturday,
15 4. 17
1026, Day-between-Two-Ts, 19 4.
17
1371 days(4/20 – wasted on Drumpf) remaining or fewer
