Cotard delusion
he whiled onto it youtubing dropping music performances into his ears and then
going to Word under a wash of sounds always oblivious videos
are attached
wrioting hed only take in
sounds(foreign languages were sounds)
he had enough words in his head
and was wise not to accept competition
he followed Kilimanjaro Darkjazz
Ensembles music to Cotard delusion a selection from their From the Stairwell
album and taking a break between words coming
up for air aimlessly he wondered if the
compelling music wasnt written in reference to the modern French actress Marion
Cotard ahfou
he as thoughtlessly remembered her name is Cotillard
an –ill- between the Cot- an –ard nevertheless It wasnt a bad or ill shot in the dark he thought Every shot in the dark you dont take
you miss
Why not shoot
he was there this morning
remembering his anniversary
it was the fifteenth year he would
have to celebrate alone
he was remembering the small steps
between then and now remembering his enforced routines
his drunken steps the frustrating ones that everyone everyone made it their business
to tell him werent going anywhere not realising the empathy required to appreciate
that he had to take them and arrive at his nowhere for himself trips these well-intended would eventually make
without their spouse the salient hard fact that one was going to
precede the other in the unlike event they died at once in a horrible accident
or a suicide-pact
the vow is until
death do you part which he thought many years
ago ought to have been written out of marriage vows
though he could also acknowledge its dramatic flare but it was only a dramatic flare as flares are used to alert road traffic of
an impending obstruction ahead and to be wary but maybe thats why it remained or was avowed when (particle)particularly more than a coinsflip sever their relation seemingly as easy as dusting cakecrumbs off a tablecloth to happy ants
his skepticism was slippery
he worried of its endgame its cynicism
but as long as he knew there was a
difference he tried very hard to keep his Cynic at bay
in a closet
in a closet that he had to open
every day
kept everyday things in it and forced himself to confront it cut it off
as it tried to escape like any wily animal of teeth and claws would tried to confront it without being
too badly wounded still able to keep it
inside shutting the door successfully again
scratches and bites heal
its wounds and scars are eminent
reminders
sometimes he met people who
recognised them on his hands and arms
saw the occasional fresh wounds or
old scars on his face
they were sympathetic souls
but then he recognised their
marks too their stigma(which isnt too
strong a word not too strong if
its happened to you)
a Cotard
delusion was an odd and interesting place to end up
1140, Saturday,
24 9. 16
