Gaaaad(he meant to expel God  but it got caught up in his throat nearly choking him to death)

Whadda fuckin day 

Sometimes I think my life is cut from a cartoon  just spit-polished to look real

Bad enough to dream in pastels  noncommittal

but then dream of cartoon characters yakking me up  shoving me around  provoking fistfights 

Muthafuckers can really take a punch  like banging on rubberbands                                          

And there aint no pleasure derived from electric balloons filled with inane speech

Ooof! Ow!  Ouch!

You dont say

Dafuck   I do

Idosay 

So what happened today thats shaking your coconut

Work

That aint work

When ya gonna get a real job

It is a real job

Insistin it aint  dont make it so 

Comon                                                                                                                                    

Takin care of crips and degenerates 

It aint a real job

Wow

Try to disguise the contempt in your voice will ya 

Its a real job

Why dont you turn the tables around  Youve got this mistaken impression the crips and degenerates  as you say

did it to themselves                                                                                                

Some  granted                                                                                                                             

Not every one of them though

Sometimes life hands you the shit end of the stick 

You must have some compassion in there 

Whether I did it or not

On this end

Id eat a bullet 

Well 

        thank goodness youre not everyone else

We all cant be psychopaths 

Quality baby

Not quanity 

But you know something different out the gate

and that colours your brusqueness

A lot of people I help havent had that

                                                            And they try

                                                                                 And their trying is far braver than dying

Save me the sermon

Heavens a round room surrounded by every door ever fashioned by anyone

We end up in the same place

Okay

Okay 

So lets talk about something we can talk about
Tell me about your cartoon day and well try and leave this behind us

You got yours

I got mine

And never the twain shall meet

Amen brother  Amen

Fuck

So  my charge today  I had to take her shopping  a short small grocery run

She ran in one of those electric cart  You know the kind right

Yes  Familiar  A real pain in the ass to try to get around in an aisle 

Psychopath to the core

Anyway

She rolled up to the refrigerated section  Dairy  Wanted some cottage cheese

Theres  like  a million tubs of cottage cheese

But she wants one particular tub

Of course she does

This will go quicker with commentary

Of course it will  boringly

And the particular tub she wants is opposite her  behind a glass door     and shes sitting up tight against the door  glaring at it 

I need to open the door to get it

And shes becoming more and more upset  while her cart is barring me from getting at it from either door beside the door shes facing 

I see it  I see it   I tell her   I know the one you want but I cant get to it until you move

--   Im trying  Cant you see the chair the cart wont move  I cant make it move  But that one  that one there  thats the one I want  that one  only that one

Quick

Grab it

Get it 

Shes actually beginning to lose her shit  her mind  over this one particular tub of cottage cheese  Among dozens and dozens of the same brand same weight same small curd lowfat

I cant tell you how agitated she was becoming 

Again  I tell her  Please  I need you to move or I cant get to it

Shes a fuckin blockade  I cant get to it  She can see I cant but it seems shes putting the brakes to it 

--   There  Thats the one  You see it  There  That one

Yes   Im trying to be cool  but shes really pushing the needle  I see it  I know the one   But  you have to move for me

in order for me  to get to it 

You dont move

I cant reach it 

It aint going anywhere

You need to relax

Take a breath

Take a deep breath                                              

Well get you moved

Okay  Try to move forward 

Or backward

One way 

Or the other

Until you do

I cannot get the cottage cheese for you 

--   That one  That one there  Thats the one I want  No other

 

I mean  really  her eyes are beginning to bug

The cart stutters jerks forward She nearly screams in terror  Forward again haltingly    A few inches  Stops 

She pulls on the toggle
It jerks backwards

A few more inches  Stops

Its heaving herky jerky a fuckin vibrator not that shes catching on  Almost hoped she would so shed come down a peg

Jesus  The picture you paint 

I wish it had gears to grind  at least Id feel better about it malfunctioning  have it grind above her ranting

--   That one You see That one there

Shes pointing 

I got behind her and pushed on the damn thing

And she pulls back on the stick

Forward  I say  Forward 

She pushes the throttle ahead  Bouncebounce    Bounce  Inches Like she got her foot on the brake I dont even know if those things have brakes

And all thats missing is grinding gears 

--   That one That one Thats the one I want See

Then all of a sudden it whines forward 

Electric glee

Humming slick 

Accelerating

She got a good twentyfive thirty feet before she slams into the coolers at the end of the aisle 

I got one tub of cottage cheese Ive got to get

Shes on her own 

As Im pulling at the door  eyes down on the prize  I can still hear its whirling  Weeeeeeee Like a quiet little pig  Weeeeeeeee

I reach down to grab the tub she HAD to have 

That one fuckin tub among all the tubs  fifty tubs  the hell   a hunred tubs  a hunred same old same old tubs

That ONE

Im reaching down   the lowest shelf  anditshutters

Shutters

Then slings itself to the left

hiding behind the other glass door   pushing aside tubs of other cottage cheese pushing em out of its way or down with it or they topple backwards being fronted and empty space behind them 

Im like  dafuck   it just moved by itself

Then it slams backwards

like trying to hide  still obvious  it pitches forward

almost slamming into the face of glass door 

Then it blasts past me and into the next bay

Im watching                                                        

Flabbergasted

I mean   Im still in a stoop  arm extended  my other hand holding the cooler door open 

In my head Im hearing her  That one See it there There That one Thats the one I want

And over her  me  I need you to move  Please move  It aint going anywhere

Now the fucking thing is three bays down knocking yogurt singles around 

I stand  Let the door swing shut

The cottage cheese stops  Almost like its glaring 

I step towards the bay its in  and only one off  it blitzes past me back to the cottage cheese selection where it began

 

I dont hear the cart whirling 

I dont hear the old lady

They might have gone through the wall for all I know 

You see that in cartoons

Shes in a stockroom behind the wall bouncing off rails and plywood or flying off the loading dock into a parking lot or catching blue air and clearing a chainlink fence divvying up the properties on comic rockets that suddenly fire when she goes airborne and crashing through a plate glass window of a Grand Opening business  landing safely in a massive punchbowl  spiked by competitors

Then   the tub starts pinballing around behind the glass doors up three shelves diagonally two bays to the right

product spinning the tub doing its best to elude me lose me

Not that it has too

I wasnt being eluded

I was too fucking dumbfounded 

Christ

The display was a mess 

I think I saw it pant  panting  a long red tongue extended  throwing off beads of sweat that glint like mirrorballs in the electric coolblue machines illumination

That tub there See That one Thats the one I want Thats the only one I want

They all look the same 

Shed never know the difference  --  not when I eventually found her

They all looked alike 

I snagged an unanimated one

It sighed

I held it out in my hand turned it just over the top of it I checked out the sweaty tubs demeanor 

The same brand Small curd Same colored packing Lowfat

The  same  tub 

What a fucking mess

Mine

Then I went looking for the old lady  my charge 

There were jetblack skidmarks on the green and cream checkered linoleum floor

Of course there were

They swung swerved hard right

There was the haze and smell of burnt rubber

Of course there was

By the appearance of the marred floor she must have turned a half dozen three-sixties

She was resting in the cart  angled inward to the store  watching me approach her over her right shoulder 

--   Its dead Did you get my tub of cottage cheese 

I walked up to her put the tub in the carts metal basket in front of its handlebars

Im gonna walk up front and get another cart let someone know this ones dead back here  Ill be back 

And walking away I wished I said it like Schwarzeneggers Terminator  It probably would have been wasted on her

 

Crazy day man  Wanna beer 

Sure

 

he took a pull of it  he didnt sit

                      

How the fuck was your day

1656,  Thursday,  11  6. 15

 2327,  Friday,  12  6. 15