What   did   you   do   ?

nineteen years hes been running that line through his head 

odd times  to be sure   out of the Blue times  
out of Black and Blue times
 

the nineteen years hes struggled with its

                                                                    inflection

when he said it

he run its manipulation over and over time and time again

four words
                  four gawddamn syllables
 

when he confronted her he said whadjado

smashed  disfigured them   

                                            into one  irritated  abrupt   accusing snarl

he was brushing his teeth and over the running water he heard something from the livingroom  down the hall

 

not anything he could identify  nothing explicit 

he knew she was out there by herself

it was a rain day and thered be no work  no pay  but sometimes no work out of nowhere is a fine respite

that irritated her

the prospect of a day with him

irritated her

 

he tried to keep moving  low profile  not to irritate her

but sometimes you just want to rest

he was making all the bills

 

if he wanted to put his feet up

the fuck

on occasion   he was entitled

he had a hot shower

he intended to have a bowl of oatmeal

make coffee  have a bowl of oatmeal

read something

just fuckin relax

but something came down the hall

out of the livingroom 

something she did

they were the only people there

What   did   you   do   ?

maybe it would have played out differently if he had said that  exactly that

enunciated it

but he didnt think so

he retained guilty feelings for when HE did something     wrong

which he rarely did

the wrong he did    he usually pondered

he understood its ramifications and accountability before he did it     Wrong

 

Wrong is a matter of perspective

and when he couldnt tolerate something

Then he got Wrong

he preferred his wrong to culminate in a fist fight

but nobody wanted a one-on-one

they wanted assurances

they wanted others

and if not others to their side then knives or clubs 
 

some motherfuckers wanted guns

Hed  . . come a long way baby

nobody wanted to knock anybody out anymore

they wanted dead

     

they didnt want to have to look over their shoulders

fuck that  head on a swivel was a way of life

not safe

but everybody wanted to be safe 

and anybody who told them they could were Something in their book

and that Anybody  he knew  was a fuckin liar

Safe is risk

no risk is bullshit

he was getting afield of where he wanted to be

he was just a fuckin guy beating nails in with a thirty-two ounce framing hammer 

tact   was a waste of Time

 

working with mooks and eidgets didnt inspire tact

fuckin guys

how they remembered to zip their flies was beyond him

and he was supposed to get a job done with Hands     who couldnt find their cocks unless they got a hard-on

Christ
          he had his hand field-stitched to close a wound at a remote site

he had no use of tact

he had only necessity

and necessity transferred into his home life

What   did   you   do   ?

she said she didnt do anything

he took her at her word

he thought she was lying to him

its anybodys right to lie

               

anybodys right to their life

he wouldnt deny that

he recognised   then   the disparity between them

disparity

                stuck together by Love

she lied

and

        nineteen years later

her lie still bothered him

bothered him to his fuckin bones

it wasnt his lie

only his inflection

and out of the Black and Blue

his inflection haunted him

                                                                           

1424,  Monday,  20  4. 15