She said she was worried because she couldnt help herself

she worried that what she conceived inside her head might become

as insane as it sounded

and outside of her  properly birthed  breathing and thriving

the Hell itd cause

and the Hell itd take to put it down

put it  out of her misery

I didnt imagine anyone could do what she said she feared

 

I didnt provide her any credence

then  she came to me sometime after I told her what she worried about was impossible

that if she didnt stop or couldnt stop tormenting herself  someone else might find out about her about her fears and believe she was troubled or deranged and believe she may be a danger to herself or possibly others and they might seek to have her arrested committed and then beyond either his or her ability to keep them longer at bay  keep them from institutionalizing her

stripping her of her rights her liberties

  

then  an institution would dictate her necessities

she heard me out

 

this day   she looked me sympathetically in the face

and dabbed tears that wouldnt stop from the corners of her eyes with the knuckles of her hands

I gave her my handkerchief

--   Its clean  I swear

she giggled taking it from me

but before she could use it her giggle erupted into sobs  and the sobs wracked her shook her
very frame and melted her countenance

                                                                       then  with an enormous effort  momentarily

she quit

and blurted

--   ITS OUT

her tears and torment swallowed her whole as a mad sea  an angry surf  

I clutched her free hand as she was consumed  and she wailed ITS OUT! ITS OUT!

--   What

her spine went slack

--   Its out

as I feared  Its out Its out  she mumbled  her nose ran  spittle strung between her anguished mouth and the handkerchief

Its out

you didnt believe me

Its out

I couldnt stop It  I tried  I couldnt

It wasnt going to let me

I couldnt

couldnt     stop It

I let go of her hand and took her in my arms I wrapped her body her shoulders I hugged her hard and hoped that she could feel the strength in me feel it and let it ebb into her  I held her hard to make her feel she was whole and she could take from me whatever it was she needed and become stronger by it  a fire to a copper pot  warming    warming

warming

soon 

   

the wracking   the crying

ceased

                                                                                                                          

she mewed a small childs mew 

a punished child

 

when she was possessed  my shirt wet against my chest from her anguish  I rocked her

and sshhed her                                                                                                                                

and when she breathed again rhythmically

when I could feel her heart beat  beat  beat  against my chest

--   sshh

 

sshh 

sshh

I spoke

I want you to listen to me  can you listen  just listen to me

she silently rocked her face against my breast

good

good

you understand youre safe now  with me

she rocked her face in my breast

good

youre safe youre safe  thats the first of it  the very first

sshh

safe  and sound

it sounds trite

until you recognise you are  safe  and  sound

she nuzzled my breast

very good  well sit here  just like this just like this  until youre ready until youre very good

and ready

understand

she nuzzled

good  very good

I have no idea how long we sat still  me holding her  her face in my chest  my fingers clutching

her shoulders

I listened  I listened to her breathe

I had no idea what she was listening to

she was deep  deeply inside herself

I thought of green caterpillars and pale cocoons 

she broke the silence with a sigh  and then a cough

a cough like a shadow appearing ahead of who cast it

I didnt say anything  I had nothing to say   She had come to me 

I listened

--   you didnt believe me

you didnt believe me when I said I feared It would get out of me  get away from me   

It spoiled to do whatever It was It wanted

without me

outside me

I had no force or restraint over It

you didnt believe me

and now   now

Its out

It feels evil

dark

you have no idea how it feels to unleash something  maybe evil   on unsuspecting people

innocent people

do you

--   I do not

--   what shall I do

--   Perhaps  if I may  what shall we do

I suppose you coming to me suggests you understand that I am culpable in this

that I am responsible too                                                                                                                                     

That you are not alone

Or helpless

--   what can we do

--   That well have to discover                                                                                                               But bearing It you have the strength It fed from  the strength that nurtured It  the strength still

to compel It

--   do you believe that

--   I believe that now

Now  and terribly as much as I didnt earlier

It seemed quite  impossible

You possess a depth I do not

And the depth  you have  you can absorb It  You can render It  If you believe you can

As you believed your depth could summons It

--   you believe that

--   I do  Can you believe that

 

--   yes   she sighed 

                                                                                                                                       

                                    

it seemed probable to us that where It was birthed was where we could either begin to track or commune with It

as we walked she had flashes in her eyes of places where It had been  she cried and spat them out and by her details I could recognise some of them

It hadnt gone far

it seemed also It hadnt attacked or injured anyone

 

the spiked sun denied It 

as did the bright blue skies the yellow sheen the green canopies the brilliant flowers and the slag of black hot tarmac 

 

intransigent Nature restricted its unnatural path

earlier this morning  too restless to sleep  too fearful

she slipped a jacket over her gown and walked and decided to walk to a park near her home where she might gain a respite

the park was filled with eveningbirds roosting who rose to greet the stitches of darkness coming undone out of the sky 

  

she sat down on a bench
it overlooked a small stone-carved fountain of spouting dolphins writhing seadragons and healthy mermaids blowing streams of water through conchshells                                                                  

                                                                                                         beyond the fountain

lay a silver reed-edged lagoon where thin tremors of small fish ran just below its surface near

and among the grass and young lime-coloured stalks of cattail

she said her fear eased

she curled her legs beneath herself and crossed her wrists on her lap  she could feel her pulse mete and warm the wrist below the other

and quieted

she closed her eyes and listened to the birds calling  their rustling and twisting out of close branches

she listened to their murmurs whistles and wonderings

she said she thought she catnapped

                                                             and she thought   when she imagined It was out

that It had slipped her  It roused her roughly from her napping

and then completely awakened  staring at the worked stone the silver spray and pulsating

strings of the fountain

It stood before her

staring at her   inquisitively

It choked  briefly snorted  snarled  and then went past her eyeing her  seeming to niggle her inertness  chortle at her ineptitude

It disappeared into the near close-tree line

a gamboling shadow

they returned to the bench she had walked to that morning

she seemed drawn to it  iron filings to a magnet  stickled  affixed

--   here  she said

I can draw It here  I can bring It back

she grasped my hand and knotted her fingers around mine

I can bring It back

I can take It back

I can take It back

she crushed my hand  my fingers grew pale and gray

I can do this

what little slouch she had in her spine  from exhaustion  from worry   spun out

and she quietly sat perfectly erect 

an antenna

 

a honing beacon

she let go of my hand

--   please  please stand back  away

I walked to the curled lip of the fountain  to the verdigris of moss and happy mould  and knelt beside it    Watching

I watched her seem to swell very slightly

she cooed

I watched her lips move

she was talking

but I couldnt hear a word of it

I wondered if she prayed   a piety nestled in her face     she appeared beatific

she sat impossibly erect

she seemed to elongate  growing taller  thinner   then she held her arms and hands before herself expectantly

her mouth moved  strangely  if it moved to a language it moved to a language that distorted her face and was guttural   without distinction

then she went rigid

and something marbled her colouring  like twisting amber smoke off a tallow candle

then she cried

--   HOME

BACK   HOME

and at once she seemed to go asunder  like a broken balloon suspended exactly when it

ruptured

and at the same once  she imploded

and like a vapour or the scent of a fragile flower

steam

she was gone

I rubbed my eyes

I got up off my knees

I walked to the bench where she sat

And standing there   solemnly

I was sure I heard something 

 

I heard something

 

I heard

the mews of a punished child

                                                                              

                          0014,  Friday,  7  11. 14