late Christmasnight after a troubledsleepless early Christmasmorning  

                                                                        running last Christmas over and over and over and over then braking it with an epiphany  preceding Christmases had been very happy and joyous

everything last Christmas wasnt

he was somewhat proud he was able summons himself and make today better   better 

he felt beatup emotionally physically 

                                     anto put the day behind him  ease himself   ease his tension and mind  he ran a hot bath with blueberryginger rosemary oil Epsomsalts which he treated himself for Christmas  a gift  trying to be kind to himself

           that was out of character 

last Christmas was the last Christmas his daughter and mother had 

                                                                      despite their precarious health he didnt see that cominghe bought in hook line and sinker to their amazing optimism resiliency their deft mindsets that had always served them unveeringly  

when his daughter succumb his mother threw in the towel and died thirteen days later

two of the most powerful women in his life had died  he had yet begun to mourn his mother because his daughters death had been so traumatic 

                             sometimes hanging on by his fingernails he wondered why he bothered

ah  or maybe to soak in a hot bath BE KIND TO HIMSELF 

leftie and bomber wandered in  mused  then jumped up onto the tubs edge  Whassup? in their eyes and tentative crouches

Hey kids Checkin in on the old man

they might have heard him saying out loud Merry Christmas Aniela Merry Christmas Maw I miss you both terribly I miss being able to call you talk with you wish you Merry Christmas ask about your mornings your gifts  tell you how much I love you

                 he chuckled despite himself his mother was always in a frenzy making Polish specialties for monster breakfast lunch and dinners year after year for decades decades  Call later this evening, Joe, or tomorrow so we can get caught up, I really don’t have the time right now. Thats why I called Maw to give you a breath  Thank you, I’m breathing, talk with someone else. and she handed him off to one of his eight brothers or sisters

years on end they played that game

not this Christmas

the dialtone when he went to call them didnt sound when he picked up the telephone  he imagined The party you have called is unavailable. Please check the number and call again. 

                                                                that would have been really nice 

out loud to Aniela he admitted he was feeling guilty guilty   I know thats the wrong word but thats the only word that occurs to me right now I know I didnt do anything wrong so theres nothing to be guilty about   but thats how I feel 

I suppose itll have to be a placeholder  a placeholder until I have a better word  or until I arrive  progress   to a better place  Guilty 

leftie and bomber in turn nudged his shoulder 

                                                Yah guysyah  I know I know  Im being maudlinpitying myself  Pitifulhuh Thanks for calling me out Lemme melt away a bit then reconstitute before getting up and going to bed Deal  Suchadeal! they purred and jumped down onto the linoleum and casually wandered away taking him at his word they knew he needed someone to take care of they knew that they were giving him a quiet purpose a gentle reason for tomorrow and tomorrow 

                          and for tomorrows and months and years

 

late Christmas,  25  12. 20

1438,  Saturday,  26  12. 20

Bee Gees  I've Gotta Get a Message to You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRV_7eEgobw