he didnt knowcouldnt say maybe it crept into her skull early one morning when she couldnt sleep and went out to sit lay down on the couch in the livingroom and turned on the bluelight of the television sound down she didnt care what the machine had to say the pictures interested her more the faces and she could makeup words that they said perhaps words she always wanted to say either she was too frightened despite being outspoken or no one cared anyway her eldest son had told her he quit listening to her advise when he was still a teenager living at home

in her blur of illness and tiredness maybe her hallucinationsher hypnagogic trances were more entertaining

maybe it did creep in and infect her brain she said as much maybe that prevented her from sharing with him  

I don’t have to share with youwho do you think you are?

Im your son I love you Im asking you because Im concerned Im asking the same question Ive asked during telephone calls and in my letters These are my only access to you However you avoid me

I don’t have to address themI don't know what you’re talking about.

You should understand Maw I wont stop asking

Ah, clever boy, a battle of attrition, like Nazis invading Poland, invading Warsaw. You had family die at the beginning of war, die in camps . . 

. . Youre being really dark Maw 

Is this how youre feeling insi . .

. . I don’t know how I’m feeling, what I’m feelingI’m unhappy, I’m unhappy with my health, how I am living, the husband I have . . 

. . Whos caring for youfeeding you  running errands for you

You don’t know.

What I know is what you have told me in prior telephone calls  Thats what you have said

I did not.

You have

I don’t remember. 

Okay

Would you prefer I call back later Maw

Yes. Later. Maybe I’ll feel better later.

Youre not hurtingcorrect

Life hurts. 

You know that.

Ill call in a couple of dayscheck up on you You should have a letter arrive this afternoon or tomorrow

Perhaps tomorrow. The mail arrived today and there wasn’t a letter from you; unless, of course, your father is keeping it from me.

You know he wouldnt

You don’t know that.

You received my last letter

Yes. I don’t remember what you wrote in itI don’t even remember what I had for breakfast.

Ha  I dont eat breakfast so I dont have to be concerned about remembering that I didnt

You’re foolish not to eat breakfast.

Ive been foolishwha almost twenty years now You always tell me to eateat breakfast  But it works for me

It’s not smart.

Ive never been accused of being smart

You’re not stupid.

Im not stupid I wouldnt suggest it to anyone but it works for me

You should eat more.

I eat what my body needs Gas to go from here to there until I need to refill

You are not a machine.

Are you recalling this conversation

his mother laughed This? Yes. I recall.

There you go You do remember things

I remember like Pavlov’s dogs.

Look at that You remember Pavlovs dogs Thats memory Well keep working on it 

And then maybe youll say  youll answer me on the telephone or in a letter 

I will keep asking you

You should save your breath.

I love ya Maw

I love you, Joe.

he was always Joe to his Maw

he was always Son to his Paw

he wished shed say what was ailing her 

                                           but they often discussed that their lives were the only thing in life they really had for only themselves

he shouldnt mind not knowing if she didnt want to say 

what he needed her to tell him was that it was none of his business not avoid answering the question again and again and again

two different things

Hell she taught himtold him never avoid things

was it some kind of do as I say not as I do

he was a parent

he said and did exactly what he said

they werent different things

he sighed Ah Maw

1239,  Twosday,  1  10. 19

1453,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  8  4. 20

James Gang  Tend My Garden/Garden Gate  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqeErugWXZ4