Now thats the one way to get inside ones head
read about a suicide attempt he
didnt think anyone who was serious about suicide would fail his wife didnt she knocked it out of the park
as
did his best friend
it hurt terribly
it still hurts
but it was their lives
their lives to do with as they
wished
our lives are the only things we truly
possess
he told them that he wanted what they
wanted that is his ideal of love
wanting for them unselfishly perhaps is what they needed
it still hurts
but he understoodhe understood
that suicide is not selfish
selfish are those who blame the dead
for the pain their suicide caused them
How dare they! was his thought
Think
think
of the decision to kill oneself self annihilation the couragetruly to die well die but to die by ones own hands
death-by-cop he believed that was cowardly provoking them to kill you
although in it he could see too it was just another
mechanism
however
if you want to die you
ought to assume entirely the responsibility suicide isnt something to be spread around delegated
the article he read of suicide informed him of the putamen inside his skull hed never heard the word before although in Miami Cuban he heard of word puta he heard it uttered at some of the blackhaired brownskinned beauties he dated by Cuban men who obviously didnt like that he was dating them
curiously they accosted the women rather than provoke him cheap machismo
Puta like the hiss of a snake
Whats that about Puta
Nothing, he’s a pig. I wouldn’t see
him.
putamen "meaning nutshell is a round structure located at the base of
the forebrain telencephalon
the putamen and caudate nucleus together form the dorsal striatum it is also one of the structures that comprise
the basal nuclei
the basal nucleibasal
ganglia are collections of subcortical
nuclei gray matter in each hemisphere that help regulate
voluntary movements that are selected planned and executed elsewhere in the brain"
he assumed voluntary meant those
actions he voluntarily made
it was his brainhis decision not the basal nuclei or basal ganglias
decision
seemed by such description that they
could be scapegoated he could be
minimised
damn if he was going to be minimised
though he saw the benefit perhaps
a familial benefit to accuse a collective
of neurons rather than the wife daughter husband son sister brother mother
father
rather than accept their decision their remarkably difficult brave decision
he never conceived of suicide
and not doing so
not of that mindset
he was ignorant
and he would be ignorant if he possessedassumed their process because he wouldnt
go there
his wife told him Imagine. I know you have a fertile imagination. Imagine my pain.
he told her that he couldnt he couldnt go there because Life was
everything to him Life was a drug Life was a gift given day by day he relished it
You’re a fool.
she was breathtaking
No Its my philosophymy headstrong belief
Belief? You don’t believe in God,
you don’t believe in religion. How can you talk of belief?
No Youve known that since we started dating Your belief and my belief have always been at
odds Are you saying now that were
incompatible that perhaps youre
realising that now
Ive never lied to you
Have you lied to me
I prefer to believe you have not
For if you have its to your detriment
Not mine
You’re very cruel.
No I have always been honest with you
Brutally honest.
Yes if you would brutally honest Ive been no guesswork
Ive always told you exactly what I
thought Always
I haven’t always liked what you
said.
But thats the point of communication
Were two different people two different people who love one another
Marriage doesnt change us
Did you think I was going to change
I hoped you’d change.
Baby I love you for who you are I never thought to remake you Im terribly
sorry if Ive disappointed you Im only
who I am
1148, Saturday,
17 8. 18
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