sometimes it waylaid him pressed himdepressed him caught him unawares  despite him knowing it was just outside the window

it was never going away

the Chapel of Roses

Chapel of Heartbreak

Crematorium                                                                                                                          

an austere white room

                            

a yawning shinysilver oven nearly centered in it
            

it didnt gag when her body contained within a coffin liner was slipped deep in its throat

a firm hand at his shoulder  May we begin

begin he thought  begin the end begin  erasing her mortal presence

he appreciated the director handhis calm attention

he cleared his throat of nothingnothing at all  Yes

he upset his family

they urged him not to attend her cremation  Its not your place   

no  it wasnt their place   their pale faces were pain-ted a despondent hue of gruesome

odd he thought  the same people who could stand close enough to a graves edge and earth crumbled into it fell onto the coffin fell on the ivory and coloured flower petals

they were pushed away apparently  by the clinicalness of the oven 

a graves natural isnt it  

it was outofdoors   

outofdoors is where you buried your beloved pets wasnt it 

cremation was ungodly

forgetting they werent godly

they were familiar only with wedding baptism and funereal passages

if he had his way he would have built a funeral pyre 

thousands and thousands of years of funeral pyres

outlawed

unsanitary

as if fire wasnt cleansing

death is monetised

the firm hand at his shoulder wasnt making what it could have  but at least was grateful to have what it could

the rollers were quiet

their squeal would have been distracting

the pneumatic door descended silently

a faint click as it locked in place

when the assistant began the gasflames the retort became animated   hummed

there were no windows to witness the conflagration  her consumption

he could take her no furthur

no dirt would crumble onto her

he cleared his throat again of nothing and briskly turned to the director

their eyes meet

hed cried all his tears

Thank you for your kindness your gentleness  My family and I are very pleased

Youre welcome

they shook hands

walking out of the sparse white room he could feel her subdued humming song on his head shoulders on his back 

sometimes while he lifted on the leg extension machine  

it was positioned before a window through which he could see the parking lot and a corner of the Chapel of Roses and Crematorium

he could hear and feel her humming  again

most of the time he could sublimate itpush it down 

sometimes it weighted on him too much   he couldnt

fifteen years later tears came

he only thought then that he cried all his tears

December,  2017

Cream  White Room  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkae0-TgrRU